A positive restart

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by jankal, May 3, 2013.

  1. jankal

    jankal Member

    Hey there soldiers

    So.. after a few failed attempts flanking one successful 90+ day period, I've decided it's time to get on here and share my story and thoughts, and be publicly accountable..

    I'll try and be brief, but I know this won't be. I suppose this first part is all about letting it all out, stuff which I guess many of us have never said 'out loud' until post #1 of the giving up porn blog.

    I guess my problems start with my fetishes. I was sexually curious from a very young age. The topless Page 3 models in my Dad's Sunday paper that initially aroused my curiosity, soon got boring and too obvious, and I became fixated on stockings, tights and sexy outfits etc., this was as young as maybe 7/8 years old.. my fixes came from magazines and TV (and VHS recording!).. And my fantasies became more precise the older I got. porn and very hardcore stuff crept in, but the hunt was always initiated by the desire to see women in sexy outfits. Of course we all know it's much harder to find anything that isn't hardcore..

    I've been single and sexless for four years now. Before then was an epic 8 year relationship, which was both the best and worst relationship of my life. Best in that she was a loving, sweet, beautiful girl, happy to experiment sexually with whatever I was interested in; the worst in that being with her caused my depression to be more desperate and uncontrollable than ever before - see, just before me she went through a really bad spell, and unfortunately I got to know about all of it - sex with nameless strangers, sex with a couple of guys at the same time, a few cases including that one where she didn't know for sure whether it was consensual or not because she was so drunk and couldn't remember, a few where she was sure it wasn't consensual..

    ugh, that shit stayed with me for the duration of out relationship, I couldn't get those horrible things out of my head, and eventually this led her to leave me, a girl who loved me so much, who would do anything for me, left with a depression that I had shared with her for so long, she ultimately had it herself. It was only when she left me that I realised how stupid I was for letting these things come between us, that I should have been able to let these demons rest, that it wasn't 'really her'. But it was too late. And at the time, I couldn't see this. I've always been a love before sex kinda guy, so have had very few partners, and while I originally didn't want or expect my lovers to have the same view, casual sex became as demonised in my head as and confused with the less palatable stuff mentioned above.

    During that time with her, and this covered the dawning age of the internet, I guess I was indulging in darker and more perverted porn fantasies online in a way to equate what she had done. Stupid I know. And I'm sure that watching porn regularly then made it harder to forget what she had done, and all the easier to visualise it.

    And the upshot of the GREAT side of our relationship, ie, her fulfilling my fantasies and exploring my fetishes.. has left me with an even more acute fetish. Now that I am single, the 'normal' route to a sexual relationship with someone new seems more alien than ever.

    So here I am now. I started giving up porn about a year ago I suppose. The first month was relatively easy - I felt driven and exhilarated by this new found direction, and I was working on a busy project, away from home, which definitely helped.. but when I got back to the mainland, had a big drinking session and relapsed. Of note though, was that night I was hard as a rock. Then the next few months would normally involve me getting to a month.. or two.. and what would always let me down was being hungover.. that is my weakness, I get drunk, wake up hungover, I cave in, and crack one off to porn.. and feel rubbish afterwards. I managed to go the full 100 days which was completed a couple of months ago, but since, have been relapsing every couple of weeks, to a month, and I don't feel particularly improved in terms of my sexual potency.. I know I should lay off the booze, but it's an intrinsic part of my social life..and I guess I just need to will power up. I mean there have been many times when I have been hungover and not succumbed, so I guess I need to figure out that formula.

    I know I need to do this, but there are a few issues. As i've mentioned, i have a sexy outfits fetish, and in the UK, people often wear out what I'd have them dressing up for me as in the bedroom. if I see a hot girl wearing a short skirt, black tights (pantyhose) and boots.. well that's my porn, and kinda sets me off, so I am perpetually troubled.. And it's not just lust I feel when i see a hottie wearing hot clothes - it's worthlessness, inadequacy, gloom, sadness, loneliness, stupidness etc. I wish women understood what effect sexy has on us mortal men, but I know I can't change the world, just my view of it. Generally I'm getting much better (going so much more time without porn helps) not caring so much if there's a woman who fits my ultimate definition of sexy. Still, a question is, do I need to give up my fetish? Is it possible? It seems like such an integral part of me.

    And I guess I've been hoping that my next relationship will be in part like the last one, where I can fulfill my visual fantasies as part of my love life. I mean, me and my ex both enjoyed it so much.. her dressing up for me, making an evening of it.. but is it wrong? I'm not the most potent guy in the world, yes you can say pied.. with my ex, I had the benefits of her dressing up for me, and happy to go down on me, so it wasn't really an issue.. but moving forwards can I expect these things from my next lover? (whenever the ____ that is)

    And here's another issue. I'm an artist and what I've found in the last few months is by laying off the porn, my fantasies have actually accentuated even further, and my visual ideas of sexy have developed. I've recently started dabbling in sexy women art.. pin up stuff, I'd love to get into doing comic covers, etc. (nothing hardcore, just those things that we all naturally (?) like - glimpses of that which is hidden - manga-esque sexy poses, knicker and cleavage flashing, yup, that kind of thing) We all know that sex sells, and if you look on deviant art for example, it's the sexy renditions of known characters that get tens of thousands of views, and I know I do sexy very well. On the one hand it could be good for my career to get into comics, and get a whole load of commissions, but is this the way i want to go? On the other hand am I just feeding my fetishes?

    Last night's relapse was set off by doing some research into pin up art, and one accidental view of a hardcore-esque piece, had me searching for those old porn search terms again like a demon.. and I was hungover.. I know I could do this kind of artwork without relapsing to porn, and just to make beautiful sexy respectful (ish) paintings of women, but with all the above, is this right?

    oh I don't know, I am torn. I welcome your comments, and thanks for reading


  2. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. troubled artist relapses for the last time

    Hi there Truett

    Many thanks for the reply and your encouraging words..

    yup the very difficult thing is not indulging the fantasies, and all the harder with alcohol in one's system.. I find it nigh on impossible, but I guess the trick is to keep busy, get out and go for walks (not as easy as what I want to do on a hangover - lie in bed, eat trash food, watch cartoons)

    and yeah I suspect you're right about the erotic art.. maybe later when I'm further through this process. Actually I'd always hoped that I'd wait until i met the right girl before exploring sexy art.. a) to see if she was cool with it, and b) if she'd help me realise it.. and maybe it was just weakness, and a desire to fulfill my fetishes in any way I could, that has made me go ahead and explore it now.. if I do go down this route with my art practice, it would be much better with a girl I love supporting it..


    thanks again T
  3. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    blergh. slipped up again.. the usual patterns.. being hungover and horny as hell.. thought too much about my erotic art ideas.. and boom, there I was, old habits again. Started with a peek at 'acceptable' softcore stuff, but it went too far and then obviously went for the double dip, and session 2 that evening was all the very hardcore stuff. Felt totally disappointed immediately after, and gutted that my previous drive to do this has ebbed a bit.. I'm relapsing every week/ every other week. need a stronger urge to see this through

    the erotic art thing is a dilemma - I guess I know I need to stay away from it for the reboot - in part it's that part of my brain trying to find any excuse to indulge in sexual stuff.. but also I've had some really great ideas for paintings/photos, sexy and original and not pornographic, and the artist in me can't help but want to realise these.. but then these images are purely representing my fetishes, so yeah it's not good. Having had this stocking/pantyhose/sexy outfits obsession since pre-puberty - I find it hard to imagine getting rid of this, or ever really wanting to.. but then I know I should unless I want my future lovers to always dress up for me or to not be turned on by simple nakedness, the moment etc :/

    hungover again today, had a bit of a peek, but turned it off, so hopefully I'll see this through. Time for a walk I think x
  4. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    doing good.. got through the last hangover.. it came down to a firm decision not to even look, that crucial will power thing..

    and since then, I've had a week without booze and weed. I'd smoked weed every day since I was about 20, and pretty regularly since I was 15, but decided to lay off some time last year and managed to go a few days without, which was amazing after so long without so much as a day off (apart from when I couldn't get any, at which point I would be pretty cracky) and then followed by a three week stint without when I was abroad with family at the end of the last year.. definitely made easier by ybop and understanding the whole dopamine thing.

    So this week, I've resisted sexual fantasy, avoided thinking about all those things .. during my 'successful' 3 month reboot, there were many times when I would fantasise about my fetishes etc, and I would become very aroused, and I can see now that the reboot needs conscious abstinence from everything related to make real progress.. I know it's mentioned many times to resist fantasising, but I didn't really get that before. I think I get it now..

    I mentioned before that my stockings etc fetish was my porn.. well that's not strictly true, stockings etc was my sex, and porn my porn.. if ya get me. anyway, for the first time I can even imagine giving up my fetish if I go long enough without entertaining these fantasies. Sure, my senses may be aroused from the visuals of a hot woman in a short skirt, tights and boots for some time to come, and the next relationship I end up in (4 years of singledom/sexlessness and counting) I will probably still hope to have a girlfriend who enjoys indulging these fantasies, but it can't be the focus point, the be all and end all and yeah the longer I go without thinking about it, the less of a thing it will be. I've been out and about through town and up and down the country with work, and am slowly learning to just ignore those things that I find so attractive. Not always easy.. but yeah, consciously avoiding.. and hopefully will get to a point where this becomes the natural response.

    And come the next time alcohol comes into play, as it invariably will, I'm prepping myself to be ready to resist when temptation comes.. to just say no.

    Funny.. just thought.. during my previous reboot, I had a calendar picture of one of my favourite Transformers (I'm a massive fan), a proud and defiant female transformer, looking straight at me. Many times when I had the urge, I looked up at her to remind me of what I was doing, and why. Megatron's up now, and he's keeping me in line, but yeah might just pull out the older pic and put it up too.

    Just a thought people, it seemed to work for me - maybe try having a picture of an icon above your computer, maybe of a strong woman you respect and admire (non sexual of course), maybe one with a stern (but beautiful?) face, and look at it to remind yourself why you're doing this, use it as a trigger to just say no.

    all the best buddies x
  5. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hi there mate,

    Thanks for checking in I've just had a look at your journal, looks like we have lots in common. I'd recommend you stay away from all sorts of stuff that could trigger relapses.
    Stockings, skirts are certainly part of those triggers but our brain having been used to so much fetish it might take a while before getting rid of it.
    You're doing the right thing in refusing to look. You also need to avoid booze and weed. That's crap mate. It's only going to worsen things more than anything.
    Keep it up man.
  6. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hi Steffy

    aye there are triggers and temptation everywhere..

    Had a really good week, no weed, no booze, no fantasy, no looking.. during my 'successful' reboot, as mentioned I had been fantasising a lot.. this week none at all, and the benefits are noticable.. morning wood like when I was younger coming in to play..so yeah, very important to lay off the fantasy, just as important as not looking at porn for a successful reboot..

    So.. I went to a city the other side of the country for work.. man, it seemed like every other woman was wearing short skirts and black tights, but the resolve to 'not look' was so much stronger. Of course I was very aware of it, but did my best to pay it no mind. (But seriously do other men not find this so sexy?) (Gawd I sound like such a pervert)

    anyway, my meeting turned to a mash up - drink, weed, and unexpected recreational 'sweets' came into play (Steffy, I hear what you're saying re. booze and drugs, and yeah you're right, but it is the way I party, and it's good for me if I'm enjoying as part of a night out - it means a lot to me to not be addicted to it and just enjoy stuff recreationally). Anyway had a lot of fun, got high, danced, loads of beautiful women everywhere, etc. no, of course I didn't pull, but was good to be out. need to get back to going out more, lest I stay single forever..

    Anyway, that was all good, but of course left me with the weaker will today with the hangover/comedown, travelling back to my home city.. interesting to notice the difference in how I reacted to hot women dressed as my fetish likes them.. was much more aware of than yesterday, often couldn't resist that second look.. but still much better, mostly did my best not to..

    then .. what are the ****ing chances?? fate tested me and I guess I failed myself - finally got home to my local train station, and what would you know - a girl got out ahead of me yup wearing a very short pleated skirt and my favourite kind of black pantyhose.. there are a long series of stairs to get to the exit, and I couldn't not walk up the stairs behind her, and ended up having quite a bit of a look and oh my, quite an eyeful..

    damn, can't get the sight out of my head.. I know that the sober, stronger me from the day before would have resisted looking. Walk away from trouble. But still my resolve is still stronger... normally this would have been a trigger for a relapse, the weaker hungover me would just think **** it, find some hot porn, start with softcore tease-y stuff, move onto hardcore stuff, crack one off.. and man the pre reboot me.. if there was drugs and booze in the equation, well that's when I'd get home and spend hours upon hours on a binge..

    so yep, tested, kinda failed, but kinda didn't, still a world away from the old me, so much better, and I'm not going to give in today, not going to look, not going to fantasize, just need to get that damn perfect sight from today out of my head..

    of course this blog helps to hold myself accountable, vent it here, instead of caving in, so glad I'm doing it..

    hope you're all doing good
  7. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    gah, another difficult hungover day..

    I'm staying in hotels and rented apartments for the next few weeks, and since the reboot my mind has moved to escorts, especially at times like these - it's a roundabout way of fulfilling the things I'm missing from porn / my ex - with an escort I would get to dictate stuff I want and fulfil my fantasies and fetishes - I justify it in my head with "Well at least I'll be having sex, I haven't had sex for 4 years" "What if my next gf won't like what I like/ my ideas / being filmed (my last one did), I should do it now in case I never get to do it in again" + more experience so I'm not so insecure about my future girlfriend's sexual history..

    I've only had 4 proper sexual partners (always waiting til I'm in Love :/) and somehow end up in long term relationships with hot girls with many, many more sexual partners - I've always found their sexual pasts difficult because of this and other reasons, and kinda feel a casual sexual encounter, even if it's a paid one, might lessen this (a normal casual encounter wouldn't do it for me, as it wouldn't touch upon my fetishes) -

    it goes against what I really am though... like the porn..

    gah. must. resist. all. sexual. thought. channel it elsewhere..

  8. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    resisted.. phew

    my hungover weak mind is very convincing, but I'm doing my best to resist its ideas of looking at porn, perving at women, thinking about escorts to fulfil my fantasies..

    Also having got rid of my entire porn collection, during this recent bout of temptation, I managed to find one of my favourite, very rare, amateur videos as a torrent. Luckily I had the sense to delete it before it finished downloading, but I had a peek at what had downloaded. in a moment of (sober) clarity, hot as it was, I thought 'wtf am I doing!' and deleted it and got rid of the torrent..

    Ups and downs, but hanging tough

  9. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    oh man, I need a girlfriend.. I've spent too long now trying to figure all this out in my head, I would love for the next step to be working through stuff with a significant other, to stop me going mad with all the thoughts..

    deep down though, I guess I know I need to be free of porn thought, fantasy and fetish before I meet the right one

  10. xravenousx

    xravenousx New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    I can totally relate to these parts- I've been fighting such demons for quite some time now.
    Especially the "make it even" part sounds very familiar.
    We have so much in common.
    However, don't expect your next girlfriend to like and accept all the sex related stuff your ex did.
    It might happen, but might not.
    Take care!
  11. xravenousx

    xravenousx New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    And BTW,
    here is one of the most depressing pics I've ever seen.
    No words required.

  12. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    hey there xravenousx.. sorry for the slow reply, been away.. man I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing I did, it's tougher than anything I know.. still I should say, since my relationship fell apart, it was then and oh way too late, that I started to realise that all that shouldn't have mattered, that I shouldn't have let her past affect my view of her in the present, that I lost a truly amazing girl. However so much easier to say when out of it, it was torturous when I was with her.. so I don't know.. I've since had to learn to change my way of thinking, to come out of that depression, and am learning to think in positives only.. I don't know how I'll be with the next one, and the same issues.. I hope I'll be cooler, but I also know that deep down I'm hoping I won't have to face thee issues again..

    all good here, abstinence going well, doing my best to suppress the fantasies.. again though, I feel lonely and ready for a partner so I'm not trying to work all this out by myself.. everything in its own sweet time though I know

  13. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hi mate,

    It's been a long time! Just wanted to check in. Apparently you're coping well and that's great. If I were you I'd avoid focusing on chicks too much. Easier said than done before meeting my fiancee I was over obsessed by chicks and I reckon it's one of the reasons I'm porn addicted now. I was building up too many expectations and I just couldn't handle it and eventually cracked up.
    Looking back I wish I could have avoided that.
    Anyhow keep up your great work, it's paying dividends.
  14. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hey Steffy

    thanks for checking in, and sorry for the slow reply. hope you're doing well

    well I've been doing ...ok.. first two months, no probs, no porn, no peeking, no M or O.. but recently I've been going out a lot more, meaning alcohol in my system and weakened resolved the following day.. have peeked a few times and thoughts of escorts creeping back in.. no M or O, minimal P.. not resetting my counter but I know this has set me back a fair bit. interestingly at first when peeking, I was watching but really not that bothered or aroused.. however the more I peeked, the more the old processes came back into play. Going to do my best to resist again...

  15. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hey there,

    Looks like your old foes are coming back to haunt you. Refuse it stand up to that beast and you'll be fine. Peeking's a nasty little game that seems like a relapse. Just stay away from your computer and brush all that crap off your shoulders. Then start again with more resolve and you'll be fine.
    Don't be too harsh though it's not worth resetting your counter but it's just a warning.
    Take care man.
  16. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hey Steffy

    Thanks for the message and sorry for the slow reply.. I'm doing .. ok.. hope you're doing good amigo

    nearing my 100 days.. no PMO.. but I have been peeking, always after a drinking mash up session.. what's kind of interesting is my resolve has now been trained to know I'm not going to M, I guess I'm just getting a fix .. needing to look at .. women... but of course it always deteriorates into porn..

    nonetheless I know just looking at porn has slowed down my progress, the occasional mini porn session, the fantasising... So I guess my new plan is see the 100 days through and then I'd like to further this reboot by committing to a further month where my main goal is strictly no more peeking, minimise the fantasising

    it's so difficult with a hangover, so difficult when you're horny. I think I understand now why some religions have a no alcohol policy. It makes us weak, and pervy. But without it, I wouldn't have a decent social life :/


  17. ElephantEyelash

    ElephantEyelash New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hi Jankal,

    I can really relate to the issues you had with the girl from the 8-year relationship. My current girlfriend has been sexually active from a very young age and has had a crazy sex life, including multiple guys at once, bisexual experiences in the bedroom and club toilets, waking up and not remembering the night before, or if she'd said yes. I totally understand the way that creeps into your head and cultivates a weird erotic jealousy and self-destructive curiosity. I think I've managed to shake that stuff now, although there are many other issues instead.

    Really enjoyed reading your blog though, and well done for coming so far - you're doing a fantastic job.
  18. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hey ElephantEyelash

    man, thanks for your message.. sorry to hear you've been through the same stuff.. it can be so difficult, but I'm really happy to hear you're over the worst of it.. I hold some pretty deep regrets about losing that girl, in spite of all that s**t, she was an amazing person, and I feel a fool for letting all of that get between us.. aah well, no regrets no regrets no regrets..

    hope you're doing ok with giving up all these bad habits.. we'll get there!

    I'm hanging out with a lot of girls at the moment (just friendships) and I'm finding it really depressing how easily they go from guy to guy, not necessarily sex, but just casual snogging every other week with douchey slimey guys who are no way good enough for them.. I don't want to be like that, in fact I can't, it goes against my nature, but it makes me dread the next relationship all the more, as it just feels like this is more the norm for young women these days.. I mean one is one of my best friends, she's deep as Hell, but when it comes to boys, oh so shallow.. :/

    I know this isn't representative of everyone, and I'm holding out for someone special anyway, so I guess I just need to hold on to that..


    anyways, all the best amigos

  19. ElephantEyelash

    ElephantEyelash New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hey, no problem.

    I harbour the same massive regrets, and can't stop thinking that I've done something stupid. It's not healthy to keep dwelling on it, as there's nothing I can do - that bridge is well and truly burned, but I just can't shake it. The reboot is tough, especially right now, but I feel more determined than ever to see it through. I don't intend to ever PMO again, I feel mentally refreshed. And while I'm getting impatient to see more profound physical changes, that mental change is, quite literally, life-changing.

    As for girls and casual sex - yes, I think that is the norm today, but why not? I get that it's not for you, but if I were a girl and had men surrounding me, I'd behave in exactly the same way. I've approximated that behaviour from a male perspective, but girls will always have more options - and more power - when it comes to choosing multiple partners, and it's the realisation of that - at least, for me - that generates that debilitating sexual jealousy. The fact that my girlfriend is bisexual multiplied that feeling! :)

    But most of my female friends do it, too, and I've slept with several of them. The fact is that a sexually liberated girl is usually much better in bed, and they're not comparing you or thinking about past lovers half as much as you might think they are - girls are usually incredibly focused on their partner once it gets serious. Being promiscuous does not preclude being special ;-)

    Keep up the journal and the determination, man - I'll be reading :)
  20. muckypup44

    muckypup44 New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hey Jankal,

    Man I pretty much have the same PMO issue as you do and have had it since I was a young pup with fantasizing about women in pantyhose, tights, spandex and erotic outfits. Even though I got into more hardcore porn eventually I would still be able to stop looking at the hardcore stuff as long as my fetish was present and would focus more on fantasizing about a hot chick I saw at the gym etc. Drinking definitely makes the ED worse and influences the need to PMO multiple times when your hungover, thats always my biggest challenge. i also smoke alot of weed and i am thinking of quitting because it also allows me to sit on the internet all day which gets the juices flowing and triggers the temptation to PMO.

    You mentioned earlier about quitting the weed smoking, do you still smoke and if not has it helped you do you think? Sometimes I feel the weed is great for anxiety etc, but lately I feel like its triggering anxiety and doesnt seem to have the calm affect on me as it once did.

    I also know what you mean about trying to not focus on these women in these outfits but damn its freaking everywhere! Today I was walking down the street with my wife and noticed a few girls wearing tights across the street. I looked down to avoid eye contact with them and found myself turning my eyes but not my head twrd them. I got a quick peek and looked away. I get very guilty now when I look at a hot chick when out in public for more than a second but I can feel my brain rejecting the temptation to look more so I think Im on the right track.

    Ill be sure to continue to read your log as it seems you are on the right track and are taking the necessary steps to get to where you want to be, keep up the good work!

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