A Pilgrim's Progress

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Squire, Jan 8, 2018.

  1. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    You can do it and you will do it. I never had any doubt about that. Just wondered when you would get pissed and go bullshit.:D
    Squire likes this.
  2. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @Squire Nice to see you finally shout me down. It's about time. It makes me wonder if my job here is done. All I ever wanted you to do was tell me to fuck off in a healthy way. I think you're going to make it now.
    Squire and Bobo like this.
  3. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Karate Kid.....great movie! :rolleyes::rolleyes:
  4. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Ok will do Daniel-san ! Asshole on it ! :p:p
    Squire likes this.
  5. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Hey, man!

    Now THAT is a good idea. Good to see your spirits UP and no (not much???) chaser effect!

    Keep on, Mon!
    Squire likes this.
  6. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Played checkers with the ghost of Ronald Reagan?
    Excellent entry. It feels like you're finally getting, or finally are able to verbalize some healthy perspective on this whole thing. I think people do better in the long run when they take the PMO blinders off and see everything else that exists in the world.
    Squire likes this.
  7. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    This is outstanding. Wonder what you will do next paint you're toenails ? :DUh........Daniel-san.Ok :p
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  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm loving your energy, Squire.
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  9. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    So it's weird, so what? You seem to be happy and feel accomplished . That's real good.
    Squire likes this.
  10. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Having a slipped once every now and then does give us a boost and re-energize our growth in life away from artificial sexual stimulation and I'm not talking about days clean but the bigger picture about reclaiming what we have lost to porn.

    Turning a negative into a positive.:)
    Squire likes this.
  11. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Dont feel sorry, I find your honesty actually refreshing and encouraging. You are doing great! You awareness has grown a lot. Keep it going. All the best.
    Squire and Saville like this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There is always a perceived pay-off for relapsing. We always choose for a reason.

    I look older, uglier and have a smaller dick than you. :p

    I'm not sure if I would call what you did masochism. I think you are seeking to validate your deep-seated feeling of unworthiness. Masochism is getting actual pleasure from pain. There may be elements of masochism, but the driving element is not one of wanting to experience pain, but rather to keep yourself stuck. Anyway, let's not quibble over definitions. What you experienced, my friend, I know well. Both of my affairs did the same thing. The first few times I was with these women I was unable to maintain an erection, let alone cum. The women played their humiliation card, which placed me in the spot I wanted and needed, that being the person responsible for making them feel better; a job I was eminently skilled at. Basically, I was checking off my "nice guy" card. Deep down I knew (you know, that little voice?) what was going on, but I couldn't stop myself from being a balm to their injured psyches, a salve to their souls. I was responsible for all the bad stuff that had ever happened in their lives. Of course, I didn't realize this until I found this forum and started my journey of recovery. I felt humiliated too, but my concern was more that they feel should feel good and worthy. I wanted to feel unworthy, because this had been my narrative from the time I was young. That's why I now aim to conquer, because I don't allow that mother fucking addict to dictate how I'm going to live my life. Remember how I said it has to become your new religion?

    JS said this awhile back and it's something I agree with: "You have to blow it all up." We have to be willing to throw all our former ideas out the window and set them on fire. The mind that got us into trouble isn't going to get us out, it's only going to fool us into thinking we're doing something. I decided I was going to be all about me, glorious me. I don't try to make love to my wife anymore, I fuck her. Why? Because I have spent my life trying to please others. But wait, my wife is enjoying getting fucked, because it makes her hot when I'm in charge, even though all her programing says that she should be the one in charge. It is tempting to want to keep all those lovely parts of us that we think are good and nice, stuff like: I'm a good dad, I help out in the community, etc. These things are tools the addict uses to justify staying stuck. I found out through this journey that I wasn't a good dad and that shocked me. Shit, the one thing I thought I was amazing at! But, how could I be when I was jerking off to every kind of P imaginable and being a physical and emotional cheater? Unconsciously I was sending terrible messages. My kids think I'm a great dad, but that doesn't mean much to me, anymore; I don't need their validation. See what I mean?

    You have a deep desire to be faithful to God's word, the word you understand as a Christian man. Let me utter the words of the great German mystic and Christian, Meister Eckhardt "God is greater than God." It took me awhile to wrap my head around that. Blowing everything up doesn't mean we become a Buddhist, or Atheist, it just means that every single thing has been stained with the addict. It isn't enough to simply scrub a few sections clean, we have to immolate it all and start fresh. The good stuff will rise up, but this time it won't be cluttered or stained by the slime we waded through while being addicted to P.

    Today is the day. Action is what's called for.

    As always, I believe in you.
    Libertad, Squire and dig deep like this.
  13. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    when I used webcams that's when I felt my worst after any pmo session and with the humiliation stuff been there but it's not the real me it is a porn induced fetish I developed to get more dopamine, because I desensitize to normal porn and that happens after a person uses porn for so long.

    I have two filters on my computer the first one is from my broadband provider so I have all adult/sexual content blocked and about forty website addresses blocked as well, the second one is Qustodio which is pretty much the same as K9.
    Squire, Libertad and Saville like this.
  14. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    As I'm sure you read in my book, my solution to the webcams was just to become someone else. I won't let this be a how-to guide though. People can buy my book for that. I ran from the masochism. I think in some strange way, getting complete strangers to tell me I was awesome, whether it was for the magazine or because I was a City Councilor was a form of masochism. I think a lot of my masochism masqueraded as narcissism. They really are a fine line if you think about it. I hated myself. When people I knew said I was good, I thought they were just being ignorant and/or condescending. When strangers told me I was great, it helped me feel good about my manipulative skills because I knew I wasn't great, but it was a barometer for how well I was keeping up the ruse.

    I'm not going to go over the areas you asked us not to, but I would ask if you have given thought to seeing a therapist again. Some of these written breakthroughs you're making are fantastic and the right person could be almost like an administrative assistant for you, helping to flesh out these concepts and file them into folders and put everything in order. You're clearly doing the hardwork, relapses be damned. The PMO isn't the problem and you know it. It's all the other stuff you wrote about. To be able to have those revelations about masochism and the interpretation of the dream....it's not OK, but understandable that you needed to resort to a fall-back soothing technique. Some of the people with the longest streaks have actually made the least progress. You've made leaps and bounds.

    I believe in you, too. More than I believe in God. I can go bowling with you.
    Squire likes this.
  15. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    Not telling you how to do it, because that's how I did therapy through my 20s and part of my 30s. Now, I'm in a place where the nice men with the black robes and the men with the badges say I have to be in therapy until my probation is done. I would have left a year ago. But, recently, we got into some very deep shit that I never would have otherwise begun to deal with. It's been worthwhile, even if half of our sessions are just chitchat check-ins at this point. The other half make it worth it. Of course, I also work at home and have little-to-no human interaction in real life, so it's just nice to have someone to talk with. For the first time, I'm thinking about continuing after probation is done. The a-ha! moments are still worth it, even if they get fewer and further between.
    Squire likes this.
  16. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    I just saw the Mr. Rogers documentary that's out the other day.
    We should all try to be like Mr. Rogers.
    Squire likes this.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Because I like getting out of bed and I don't mind my small penis, anymore. :) I'm also fat and bald. :D I've been told by two people that I have a weird smile, as well. But, I smile a lot now. I like watching the children scatter. ha ha

    I would like to clarify something. When I say "blow it all up" that's just what it feels like. It isn't as though we walk out on our families, or sell our houses, etc. The work is always done inside our head. However, everything must always be on the table at all times. What's the point of being conscious if we can't ask ourselves simple, important, questions? So, it feels like we just had a big bonfire of all the things we held sacred, because our mind is open, wide open, to any and all things. We don't just want to become dry drunks, do we?

    Yes, I move slowly. Everything becomes a sort of meditation, if you will. I take cold showers to shock me out of the rut. Once you start taking them you'll know exactly what I mean. I take care of the stuff that needs looking after, because I was terrible doing it before. I wash the windows, paint bits that need attention, attend to the yard, etc. I'm not the first one, obviously, to discover that the real joy, the real meat in life, is in the minutiae. Brother Lawrence, who lived in Paris in the 17th century, wrote: "It is not necessary to have great things to do. I turn my little omelette in the pan for the love of God." Reverence for the mundane. Here is another quote from Brother Lawrence that I love: "the most holy and necessary practice in our spiritual life is the presence of God. That means finding constant pleasure in His divine company, speaking humbly and lovingly with Him in all seasons, at every moment, without limiting the conversation in any way." The last part is the most important, imo. We mustn't limit the convo, because that limits God, which limits us, which leaves us right where we started. We've made a habit of limiting ourselves our entire lives. This is why it is so important to feel no limits, to be a selfish cunt, to take what you want, when you want it. Trust me, you won't suddenly start streaking in church, even though you want to. ;) It takes time to flex our muscles, to learn who we actually are.

    Yes, also be simple. Be single-minded. Remember, always remember, that you don't know anything. Rebooting means when the door swings open to your prison you step over the threshold and look with awe at all the things you thought you knew before. Flowers, leaves, air, humans, everything will look and feel different. This is why many men experience what they term as super powers. It is heady stuff, my friend.

    Squire, you are a gay man. You don't watch gay porn to feel like a man, you watch it because that's what turns your crank. No, you will never desire your wife like I do mine. Even with my wife's saggy tits and out of shape belly I still find her attractive and want to fill her up. At some point, when you have put enough distance from yourself and P, you will know what to do about this seeming conundrum. It is probably something you and your wife are going to have to discuss in depth, because your attraction to men isn't going to ever go away. Your wife probably deserves to know that you will never want her for anything other than friendship. As an adult she should get a say in whether she wants to stay with you knowing that she is in no way sexy to you; more than any one thing this is probably your biggest barrier to getting healthy, at least that's what I think. But, there is time for that.

    Don't PMO/don't MO
    take cold showers
    move slowly
    don't over think anything, not even if you work at NASA
    the most powerful thing you can do is change your mind
    God is bigger than God.
    You are bigger than yourself...except your penis. ;)
    do the shit around your house that needs doing and smile a lot.

    That's all I've got.
    Joshua Shea, Libertad, Squire and 2 others like this.
  18. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Squire.... nobody said this would be easy. If some said that they are full of shit. An endeavor of this nature requires many hours and days of pain confusion and at times regret. I for one have experienced almost all the emotional trauma and alienation one could imagine. You will make it believe me. I want to continue and will but I can t do it now.
    Libertad, Squire and Saville like this.
  19. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I have some time now. I Was raised in the old way. Honor......the most important card of all. Honor.......you bow to it and no situation is more important..... Not even you. Can be very hard to understand but that's what the old folks believed and taught you. You have honor you are lucky not all do today. We were raised to sacrifice self. Learning that this is not the way takes time. Don't harass yourself it will come just trust the process.:)
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2018
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  20. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    • Honor respect love compassion. You have it all dammit USE IT!
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