A Pilgrim's Progress

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Squire, Jan 8, 2018.

  1. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Or picture my face. That will stop you. :)
     
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  2. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    100 times this. Yes. Exactly. Post of the day.
     
    dig deep likes this.
  3. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Well, then no, you shouldn't be having sex with her. Gay men rarely find women attractive sexually. I think that's the point. But even if you are straight and you feel the way you do, you shouldn't be faking it. All you're doing is building more lies into the marriage.
    Porn is a physical thing. it's a magazine, a video, a computer screen. The thoughts in your head...those are OK. If you're trying to control the thoughts in your head to the point that you no longer subconsciously think of sex, you've got nothing but a 90-degree uphill battle, and should probably just go to the doctor and start the procedure for being a eunich.
    I feel like the guy who can't stop the bus from going off the cliff reading this.
     
  4. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    If dinner isn't on the table when you get home from work, you have my blessing. ;)
     
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  5. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Just remember, long-term successful denial still doesn't equal being cured of a medical condition.
     
  6. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Well well well look whose angry ! Wow sure takes a lot to get you there. First time I see you speak up, good for you now you can really work on pmo. Proud of you Squire.
     
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  7. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    You can do it and you will do it. I never had any doubt about that. Just wondered when you would get pissed and go bullshit.:D
     
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  8. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    @Squire Nice to see you finally shout me down. It's about time. It makes me wonder if my job here is done. All I ever wanted you to do was tell me to fuck off in a healthy way. I think you're going to make it now.
     
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  9. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Karate Kid.....great movie! :rolleyes::rolleyes:
     
  10. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Ok will do Daniel-san ! Asshole on it ! :p:p
     
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  11. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Hey, man!

    Now THAT is a good idea. Good to see your spirits UP and no (not much???) chaser effect!

    Keep on, Mon!
     
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  12. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Played checkers with the ghost of Ronald Reagan?
    Excellent entry. It feels like you're finally getting, or finally are able to verbalize some healthy perspective on this whole thing. I think people do better in the long run when they take the PMO blinders off and see everything else that exists in the world.
     
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  13. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    This is outstanding. Wonder what you will do next paint you're toenails ? :DUh........Daniel-san.Ok :p
     
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm loving your energy, Squire.
     
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  15. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    So it's weird, so what? You seem to be happy and feel accomplished . That's real good.
     
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  16. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Having a slipped once every now and then does give us a boost and re-energize our growth in life away from artificial sexual stimulation and I'm not talking about days clean but the bigger picture about reclaiming what we have lost to porn.

    Turning a negative into a positive.:)
     
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  17. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Dont feel sorry, I find your honesty actually refreshing and encouraging. You are doing great! You awareness has grown a lot. Keep it going. All the best.
     
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  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There is always a perceived pay-off for relapsing. We always choose for a reason.

    I look older, uglier and have a smaller dick than you. :p

    I'm not sure if I would call what you did masochism. I think you are seeking to validate your deep-seated feeling of unworthiness. Masochism is getting actual pleasure from pain. There may be elements of masochism, but the driving element is not one of wanting to experience pain, but rather to keep yourself stuck. Anyway, let's not quibble over definitions. What you experienced, my friend, I know well. Both of my affairs did the same thing. The first few times I was with these women I was unable to maintain an erection, let alone cum. The women played their humiliation card, which placed me in the spot I wanted and needed, that being the person responsible for making them feel better; a job I was eminently skilled at. Basically, I was checking off my "nice guy" card. Deep down I knew (you know, that little voice?) what was going on, but I couldn't stop myself from being a balm to their injured psyches, a salve to their souls. I was responsible for all the bad stuff that had ever happened in their lives. Of course, I didn't realize this until I found this forum and started my journey of recovery. I felt humiliated too, but my concern was more that they feel should feel good and worthy. I wanted to feel unworthy, because this had been my narrative from the time I was young. That's why I now aim to conquer, because I don't allow that mother fucking addict to dictate how I'm going to live my life. Remember how I said it has to become your new religion?

    JS said this awhile back and it's something I agree with: "You have to blow it all up." We have to be willing to throw all our former ideas out the window and set them on fire. The mind that got us into trouble isn't going to get us out, it's only going to fool us into thinking we're doing something. I decided I was going to be all about me, glorious me. I don't try to make love to my wife anymore, I fuck her. Why? Because I have spent my life trying to please others. But wait, my wife is enjoying getting fucked, because it makes her hot when I'm in charge, even though all her programing says that she should be the one in charge. It is tempting to want to keep all those lovely parts of us that we think are good and nice, stuff like: I'm a good dad, I help out in the community, etc. These things are tools the addict uses to justify staying stuck. I found out through this journey that I wasn't a good dad and that shocked me. Shit, the one thing I thought I was amazing at! But, how could I be when I was jerking off to every kind of P imaginable and being a physical and emotional cheater? Unconsciously I was sending terrible messages. My kids think I'm a great dad, but that doesn't mean much to me, anymore; I don't need their validation. See what I mean?

    You have a deep desire to be faithful to God's word, the word you understand as a Christian man. Let me utter the words of the great German mystic and Christian, Meister Eckhardt "God is greater than God." It took me awhile to wrap my head around that. Blowing everything up doesn't mean we become a Buddhist, or Atheist, it just means that every single thing has been stained with the addict. It isn't enough to simply scrub a few sections clean, we have to immolate it all and start fresh. The good stuff will rise up, but this time it won't be cluttered or stained by the slime we waded through while being addicted to P.

    Today is the day. Action is what's called for.

    As always, I believe in you.
     
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  19. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    when I used webcams that's when I felt my worst after any pmo session and with the humiliation stuff been there but it's not the real me it is a porn induced fetish I developed to get more dopamine, because I desensitize to normal porn and that happens after a person uses porn for so long.

    I have two filters on my computer the first one is from my broadband provider so I have all adult/sexual content blocked and about forty website addresses blocked as well, the second one is Qustodio which is pretty much the same as K9.
     
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  20. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    As I'm sure you read in my book, my solution to the webcams was just to become someone else. I won't let this be a how-to guide though. People can buy my book for that. I ran from the masochism. I think in some strange way, getting complete strangers to tell me I was awesome, whether it was for the magazine or because I was a City Councilor was a form of masochism. I think a lot of my masochism masqueraded as narcissism. They really are a fine line if you think about it. I hated myself. When people I knew said I was good, I thought they were just being ignorant and/or condescending. When strangers told me I was great, it helped me feel good about my manipulative skills because I knew I wasn't great, but it was a barometer for how well I was keeping up the ruse.

    I'm not going to go over the areas you asked us not to, but I would ask if you have given thought to seeing a therapist again. Some of these written breakthroughs you're making are fantastic and the right person could be almost like an administrative assistant for you, helping to flesh out these concepts and file them into folders and put everything in order. You're clearly doing the hardwork, relapses be damned. The PMO isn't the problem and you know it. It's all the other stuff you wrote about. To be able to have those revelations about masochism and the interpretation of the dream....it's not OK, but understandable that you needed to resort to a fall-back soothing technique. Some of the people with the longest streaks have actually made the least progress. You've made leaps and bounds.

    I believe in you, too. More than I believe in God. I can go bowling with you.
     
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