A New Perspective

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.

  1. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood Taking some courses to develop myself for work. I want to grow.
    Also doing some volunteer work and trying new things.
    Another activity I'm doing all the time is feeling bad for myself.

    Hope you're doing... Well not like me.
     
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  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    This addiction has a function. It keeps you from feeling like this. However, it only temporarily ‘solves’ that problem and than makes you feel worse because of the shame and guilt. Stopping the behavior is great! But now the feeling bad is surfaced.

    It might be good to analyse your thoughts. When you feel bad, what kind of thoughts, events, happenings, etc led to you feeling this way? If you do this for a while you will probably discover a pattern. Once you recognize where it comes from, you can put something against it. For example it could be an irrational fear or a lie about your worth as a human being. If you set a truth against it and meditate on that truth, you can beat the feeling bad. When you beat the feeling bad, there will be no need for porn :)

    I know it’s easier said than done, make no mistake the above takes a lot of time and effort. But I believe it will be well worth it!
     
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  3. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood im working on it.

    Update:
    Urges urges urges.
    Stsying strong.
     
  4. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    I guess I see the road now.
    I can take the first step now.
    Now I know what to do with my life.
    Now I know how I can improve.
    Now I know how to manage those days when I'm down.
    Does this mean that all the coming days will be good? Not at all. I just feel more confident navigating them.
    I know I'll have days when I'll feel all hopeless, but I know I can always get through.
    At least I believe I can get through whenever I'm down.
    Now I can begin my journey.

    I don't feel any urges towards P anymore, but my libido is still so strong.
    I need some O.
    My hand starts going down there sometimes, but I pull back right away.
    I need to stay strong.
    Now it's time to find normal ways to get O with a human being. I will find her. I'm sure.

    Why am I saying all this? Because it's been 90 days. Three months since last PMO. It feels like ages ago. I've been on hardmode for so long.

    Also, I'm never feeling "bubbly" or extremely happy anymore. I'm more on the neutral and down sides now, but that's normal. That's life. I'm OK with that. Life is ups and downs.

    We're all in this together.
     
  5. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Congratulations on reaching 90 days. Keep it up.
     
  6. moose

    moose Member


    Congrats on the hard work over the last 90 days! You will find her and it will be amazing!
     
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Man I'm really happy to see that you made it 90 days without PMO. I like your observations and I hope you can keep building from here on. Personally I think we need to ask ourselves what's the healthy way to O. And yeah I think you can find that girl out there. Just keep your head up, stay disciplined but don't go "military OCD" on yourself, and try to see what fears hold you back from living the life you would like. Identify them and tackle them gradually. Control the mood swings (elation, expectations, despair, disappointment) when you tackle the fears. Most of all, keep going.

    Disclaimer : This advice comes from a guy presently on day 4 :eek:

    Keep it up friend !
     
  8. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Bilbo Baggins @moose thank you so much. Good luck with your journey.

    @Thelongwayhome27 thanks.
    Fears? It's all the expectations. Expectations ruin everything.
    4 days. Your words hold the wisdom of someone whose on day 400.
    When I first came here to this forum. I read all threads in this section. If I remember correctly, you used to be where I am now. Am I right? Do I remember correctly?
     
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  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot. Well even if I relapse a lot I think that overall efforts add up. Ideally we should totally break it off but if for some relapses happen, at least if they can dramatically decrease they're PMO usage/time, it's already something good. What I have some serious problems handling, looking back on my "journey", is the relapses off really good runs. I guess like most people. But it sucks to put a lot of effort and then go on a bender. But here too there is still hope because the relapses, even off long runs, are getting better to a certain extent. I think when you joined I was on my last solid run, my record hardmode streak and I made it to 63 days. I remember how tense I was before that lapse. And also the binges that followed. Lol ... It's funny or sad not sure. But I never made it to 90 days hardmode as you have now which is so great. Screw the numbers, just keep going. What matters is today. But yeah be proud though of that number I guess. You earned it. I did make it to 90 days as well twice but it was not hardmode. The first time was fall 2019 when I was not even counting (doing my best not to know what day I was on) and I had started that streak "easymode" (allowing "healthy MO") - but after about 1 month I became totally hardmode for the rest of it. I relapsed at like day 93 or so. Then I had that second 90 day without porn that occured in like Dec 2019 to Feb 2020. But this one wasn't as good as the one in the fall 2019. There were incidents along the way so to speak but no actual P.
     
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  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great job on reaching 90 days!
     
  11. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 you said you weren't counting during your first streak. You know I got three months PMO free because I stopped counting. Try that again.

    @BoughtWithBlood thanks. Good luck on your journey.

    Update:
    Lots of ups and downs during the last few days.
    Still trying to figure out who I am or why I am even living.
     
  12. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Good to see you are holding on. Regarding the quest for a meaning to your life, I’d say this: of course it’s not easy (because sometimes we feel like this when there is nothing enjoyable in our lives). But it’s a positive thing, it’s way better to look for answers than to live a meaningless life without being aware of it. Good habits (at least one or two), working on personal projects, and patience are things I think we need to feel better overall. It takes time, though. Be well, friend.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2020
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  13. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Congrats on 90 day. I hope the downs aren't too low, I'm struggling myself at mo.
     
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    No matter they're length my streaks that felt the healthiest where the ones where I was more detached from counting. The ones where I got far but I was quite obsessed on the number I was on and also putting a lot of pressure on myself about not relapsing felt less healthy and ended in what I call "explosive relapses" (kind of like an elastic you pull really hard on one side and then you let it go). I'm not saying this is how it goes for everyone, but I think for me it's a valid point.

    Right now I'm considering allowing myself MO but to get on a streak of no P - but to not focus a lot on the day I'm on. But not to the extent that I'll use that as justification for going for a P session.

    If someone can stay stable without MO, then more power to him !

    This being said, you're doing great man keep going ! I'm happy you're finding a way that works for you. I hope you're growing as a person right now.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2020
  15. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Bilbo Baggins thanks.
    Totally agree with everything you said.

    @positivef thanks.
    sorry to hear you're struggling

    @Thelongwayhome27 the thing with P-free MO is that it differs from one person to another.
    For me P-free MO is a recipe for disaster. It just means I'll end up relapsing few days after P-free MO. For me it's inescapable.
    That said, maybe you can keep it P-free and not eventually relapse. That's why all of this is a self discovery journey. Only you know what works for you. And you know what works for you by trying. So keep trying till you find what works.
    So give it a try and let us know how it goes.
     
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  16. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    So I've been tasked with leading a team.
    When I was asked to do this, I felt scared. How can an insecure paranoid socially anxious person who has borderline personality disorder?
    I never voiced my fears, but I asked "are you sure?" and the person who asked me to do this said "you can do this. You can never learn unless you try."
    I accepted. I tried for a while. The team was enthusiastic at the beginning, but now I feel like they're losing their faith in me.
    When I sensed this, I fell into another depression cycle.
    I thought about PMO. That I'm dying for some PMO right about now. Just do it and forget all about this.
    But this won't make me a better leader. I'm trying not to overthinkn this or let it overwhelm me. This all hurts.
     
  17. moose

    moose Member

    @Shady

    I've been a team lead many times. I've had this feeling as well. When you have this feeling you have to sort jump out of the anxious side of your brain and ask yourself,

    Why do I feel this way?
    Is there any real reason I feel this way?

    If yes, then you need to do some soft investigation. Ask of few team mates how things are going?

    Feel free to PM me if you wanna discuss.
     
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  18. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Porn urges lurk where we are at a low or feel overwhelmed. I guess that is being an addict, the urge is like a reflex. It is good you resisted.

    Also, I think @moose 's advice is good.
     
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  19. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @NewStart19 thanks. This means a lot.

    @moose that's a good way to do this.

    @positivef you're right.

    Update:
    Called the team members and heard them. I've dealt with all issues. Till next time.
    Since I did this, I've felt so much better.
    Here's the thing. I hate that my mood is easily swayed by a single incident.
     
  20. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    I'm not really here as much as I used to be.
    I prefer not to come here when I'm feeling down. I prefer not to give negative energy wherever I go.

    For years, I've been blind. I couldn't see all my problems because I was blinded by PMO. They turned out to be so many and I'm buried deep in them.

    My life lately has been all about managing these problems and I'm not really doing a very good job at that.

    I do see progress somehow though. These problems used to affect my mood. I've taught myself to keep finding solutions but still not letting them affect my mood and my life till I do. Life is all about learning and constant progress.

    Everyone is ghosting me lately. I don't know why, but I also stopped caring. If anyone wants to talk to me they're more than welcome and if anyone has a problem with me, they should come forward or it'll never be fixed because I stopped the habit of trying to rack my brain trying to please everyone but I still don't consciously hurt anyone.

    I'm beginning to get really pulled towards real life women. It's uncontrollable and I don't know how long I can wait. Problem is, I know them very we'll and I know for sure we'll never be happy if we are together because we're so different.
    Everyone in my life and at work is looking weird to me for being alone. This is stupid, but that's culture where I live. Anyone who stays single for long is faulty somehow.
    I guess I used to blame it on PMO addiction, but now it has nothing to do with that. I think I'm asking for a perfect compatability with a partner and a perfect marital life. Maybe that's what's sholding me back.

    Wish me luck everyone.
    And I wish you the same.

    We're all in this together.
     
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