A New Perspective

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.

  1. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Thanks, @positivef. Totally agree.

    I don't like this at all. I feel like relapse is just around the corner. It's taking more and more to resist this each day. I'm trying. But what if I'm weak one day and I just slip. I don't like these close calls. It's too much of a risk.

    I know I still have my last line of defense, the website blockers but I don't want to get there.

    Few days ago, I was about to check P and I had totally forgotten about the website blockers I have. I ended up not even trying or even picking up the phone in the first place. Next day, I thought about it and thought that I'd have hated it if I had done it, then I remembered all about the website blockers I had installed.
    I'm glad I'm not relying on them, but now I feel good knowing they're there.

    Onward and Upward.
  2. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    This has been a terrible week at work. People are so black inside. Everyone wants to hurt you. You have to keep looking back while also keeping that smile on your face in front of everyone there.

    This is so exhausting and it's weighing on me. But still I'm not quitting this job till I find a better one. I'm not going to stay at home without a job.

    I can keep doing this, but I can't tell you guys what I'd do now for the relief of just one session of PMO.


    Onward and upward.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  3. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Do they want to hurt you, or just doing anything to get ahead; either way fuck them.

    The best way is through personal growth, leaving PMO behind. PMO would hardly be a relief - just making things worse. Choose a less self-destructive method of stress relief.
    Bilbo Baggins and Shady like this.
  4. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Past two days have been weird for me.
    I've been feeling both "bubbly" and depressed. It's a weird confusing combination that makes me feel all messed up.
    I don't know what got me there but Ive had no cravings past two days so I must be doing something right.
    positivef likes this.
  5. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    The approach of not counting the days is really good.

    Today I realized it has been a month since my last PMO.

    How I feel? Still depressed. Still fighting to keep urges away. It's just as in day 1.
    My journey has just begun.
    positivef and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  6. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Ahh that's 33 days. That's my previous record.
    Last time when I hit the 33 day mark, I was feeling over the moon. It's different this time though.

    I'm feeling terrible. I don't have any libido. I get angry so easy. I caused all kinds of trouble at work. I feel like I hate everyone and everything. I feel paranoid all the time. I misinterpret many situations which causes a lot of tension. I feel like I don't want to see anyone and I lost interest in all my hobbies and favorite activities. Terribly depressed.
    I hate this. My head is a mess right now.

    The only upside here is that I don't even believe that PMO is going to fix this now.

    Why am I like this?

    Is this flatline? Withdrawal? How can I be "normal" again?
    I can't stay like this.

    Onward and Upward?
    BoughtWithBlood and -Luke- like this.
  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Nice man! You can be proud of yourself.

    Maybe PMO might even help in the short term, but afterwards you'll feel like shit even more.

    My guess is withdrawals. Sounds very familiar. Is there anything you can think of that would give you a sense of accomplishment? Like a good workout, learning something new,... Maybe you won't feel better afterwards, but I think it's important to do something positive in a situation like that. The feeling will pass at some point. Don't know when, it's different for everybody. But it will pass.
  8. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Yeah I'm not even considering PMO. I'm not even compelled to do it.

    Something that makes me feel better? Connecting with people.
    positivef likes this.
  9. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Things are beginning to brighten up, but I still feel that ache in my belly.
    Problem is, I don't even know what I'm worried about or what I'm feeling bad about.
    I just have this empty feeling inside.
  10. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    The void is here!
    For a few days I've been obsessing over trivial things. Everything upsets me. I'm angry with everyone and it's causing me trouble at work.
    I've limited my contact with my colleagues to avoid doing anything I might regret.
    I believe I've reached the point where dopamine is completely gone from my system.
    I'm not feeling well at all and I've lost interest in all my favorite things. That's why all my attempts to fill that void with something useful and productive have failed.
    I believe I need to look back and reflect on... Well... Everything.

    I've decided to disconnect myself from all distractions. I'm taking few days off of work starting Thursday and I'm not going to go on the internet at all.
    I need to clear my head from everything so I can be able to rebuild after the removal of the PMO escape.

    Onward and Upward.
    BoughtWithBlood and NewStart19 like this.
  11. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Staying off the internet has really helped.
    My head is clearer and I've achieved so much more in the few days I've been off the internet.

    I'm still feeling the lack of dopamine, but I'm getting used to it.

    Problems began to emerge and I began to see what has always been in front of me and I could never see it.

    The reason I wanted to clear my head was that a friend of mine (or so I thought) that I've told a it my porn addiction and he's also my coworker has decided to call me a porn addict in the workplace during a work related fight we were having.
    This has caused me a lot of trouble at work and still is.

    I've thought about PMOing the last few days but I felt like it's not really going to help. PMOing feels like a very distant memory now like something from a dream or another lifetime.

    I've tried Mindfulness and it's amazing. It's a hidden gem. Intruding thoughts always intruded in my everyday activities but now I can concentrate on the present. I can see now it's something you learn with time.

    It's shriveled now. So that's the flatline I guess.

    I can't believe I've been PMO free now for 42 days.
    I'm never going back to it again.
    BoughtWithBlood and NewStart19 like this.
  12. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Life without Dopamine is not easy after relying on it for twenty years.

    I'm touchy about everything. The tiniest things bother me. I don't want to see anyone.

    It does get a little bit slightly better every once in a while then it last for maybe an hour or so then it all goes to hell.

    I feel like I'm trapped inside my own head and I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore.

    I'm really tired of this and I don't see the end in sight.

    I'm not worried about relapsing anymore but I'm still not feeling any better. I know it's still early. It hasn't even been three months yet.

    I know I'm supposed to be filling this void so I'm filling it with work and courses to develop myself. This well help me reach higher positions at work. This will make me feel good about myself.

    I know it'll be over one day.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Hang in there buddy! You’re doing an amazing job!
    Shady likes this.
  14. Shady

    Shady Active Member

  15. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    I've reached my tipping point. I can't take this anymore.
    I took few days off of work and I'm going on vacation for a few days.
    I really need this. I just hope this fixes everything. I just hope this finally clears my head.
    It's all going to be alright, I'm sure.
    So 51 days PMO free.
    Waiting for the day this gets better.
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Wow man. 51 days! That’s an amazing achievement! Well done.

    I hope you find some much needed rest and clarity of mind.

    Hang in there!
  17. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Thanks @BoughtWithBlood

    Back from vacation...
    I feel much better but I'm still struggling with overthinkng and brain fog.
    During vacation, my head kept coming with the worst case scenarios about work. This is putting a lot of strain on me. I can't concentrate.

    I'm keeping myself busy with courses but whenever a bad thought hits, I lose all concentration and lose my train of thoughts and can't continue studying anymore.

    I guess that's because I've been living on fantasies my whole life. Sexual and otherwise.

    I don't feel any sexual urges anymore except for some spikes when I see a gal in tight or revealing clothes.

    Thought about PMO last few days. Glad I got over it.

    I can do this. We can all do this.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  18. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Getting close to two months.
    Life without dopamine is really difficult.
    I can clearly see my problems now and they are putting a strain on me. I try to fix them or forget about them but I can't seem to do either.
    A little more of this and I might have a stroke or a heart attack. I already have hypertension and I can't take anymore of this.
    I used to meet people which made me feel better but since I was stabbed in the back by a so called friend, I just can't be around people.
    I barely manage dealing with my work colleagues and they are backstabbers as well.
    I focus on work and in the evening, I take online courses which make me feel a little bit good about myself, but as long as the problem is there, I'm always going to feel the pull towards PMO.

    So I need to learn how to deal with people the right way or I'm either going to relapse to PMO or have a heart attack or stroke and it's my loss in either case.

    *speaks to heart* please bear with me!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  19. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Hang on, Shady, and congrats on nearly 2 months. That's a big deal.

    It sucks about all the backstabbing. Jeez. I hope you don't let that darken your outlet on, uh, all people. Because thinking all people are assholes can be a self-fulfilling prophecy...
  20. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Now that's two months.
    Hanging in there.
    Does the itchiness down there have to do anything with withdrawal, flatline, reboot?
    It's becoming more frequent.
    Been thinking about M lately. It's been a while since I've had these urges.

    As for life. My problems have been surfacing since I started reboot. Now I know for sure I need to change. Problem is, I don't know what needs to change.

    Today I feel like I have no desire for anything. Not work and not even my favorite hobbies. This feels terrible.

    @Apeman thanks man
    Maybe that's my problem. Maybe past backstabbing made me think like this in every situation. Maybe I'm causing this. I'll have a closer look next time this happens.

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