A New Perspective

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.

  1. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    What are the odds? I went to the same 20.000 members and got to the exact same list:)

    And I do agree with your advise. People should have a realistic view of what this journey entails and so they should expect slips. I honestly don't know where I stand with planned PMO. In theory I don't think it's a bad idea at all, but to me the control would be an issue indeed. Also because if 'short term me' would try and get me back into a cycle of PMO planned PMO could very well be something he would come up with to justify getting back to porn:D The reason why I made that post is that for me when I look at how often most of us (and that includes me) PMO from time to time I believe they might as find well find a way where they are more lenient towards PMO and in the same time get a better grip on their behaviour.
    Shady likes this.
  2. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    You guys are right. It's not easy to quit cold turkey, but still not impossible.
    I was thinking, when I can't keep myself from PMO anymore after many many days without PMO, I might try MO. It's worth a try. The whole journey is trail and error. It doesn't have to be planned, but sometimes, it's just inevitable, so why not lessen it a bit.

    Few days clean now and my head is much clearer. From experience I know it'll get worse but I'm holding on.

    Thanks all.

    We're all in this together...
  3. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    I've lost track of the days. I know if I look back on my journal I can find out how many days I've been PMO free. Three? Four? Five?
    Point is, I don't care right know. Maybe I'll care later on, but I'm glad I don't have that distraction right now.

    Mood: terrible

    Anxiety: very high

    Paranoia: off the charts

    Hope: still exists

    Onward and upward.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great to see you’ve stepped out of the cycle and started a new streak. The withdrawal will lessen, hang in there!
    Shady likes this.
  5. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood All thanks to your idea.

    Today when things got tough, I thought about P free MO, but then I decided not to do it.
    From past experience, I know when I MO, I PMO maybe few hours later or the next day. So I need to go hardmode.
    All trial and error.
    Kurkuror and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  6. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Day... I don't know.

    I fear that if I start counting I'd get bored with the whole thing and relapse so I'm just letting it flow naturally.

    So the past few days, my "libido" has been crazy. I'm fighting it.
    The weird thing, what I'm grateful for, is that I don't feel the desire to check the websites I've blocked. It hasn't even crossed my mind.
    So it's amazing how the mind works.
    I'm not consciously thinking about the fact that if I visit them, I'll be stopped by the blocking app, but I must know subconsciously about it and that's why I'm not even thing about visiting those websites.
    WOW! The human mind... Amazing.
    Still I'm never going to remove the block. I'm not going to test my willpower. I'm not taking any chances.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  7. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Nothing new to report here. Same as my previous entry.
    Except maybe that I'm beginning to appreciate more things in my life and seeing the big picture.
    positivef and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  8. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Urges are "a lot" today...
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hang in there mate. Have you found something else to do so you can get your mind off the urges?
    Shady likes this.
  10. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    I'm always doing something else. I have been for years, but doubt still creeps in somehow and then relapse follows.

    What I've been doing the past few years:
    I've been meeting new friends, I've been trying new side jobs and I go running almost everyday.

    What I've been doing for a month:
    I'm doing some online courses developing myself in my field and expanding my knowledge and also learning new things outside my line of work.

    On a separate note, "Urges go away!"
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  11. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Today I had a "dream"
    As soon as I woke up, it all came back and suddenly I had a boner.
    I fought the urge to MO and managed to do so.
    Later in the day, I forgot about the dream, but the urge to MO stayed with me.
    It took everything I had to fight it and I did.
    Based on past experience, when that happens, I manage to fight it for a few days then eventually relapse does happen, so I'm really worried right now.

    Looking back on this streak, I noticed that I had lots of urges but they were all about MO, but I didn't feel any urge to check out P.
    So I don't even know what I am. A P addict? an MO addict? I don't really know anymore.
    Maybe MO is OK during reboot, but then maybe it's not.
    So I'm not taking any chances this time. I'm not going to MO at all during the first three months of my reboot.

    Onward and upward.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  12. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Your brain can use MO to trick you into P in the days after. The two are connected and will never stay separated for long. Neurons that fire together, wire together.
    Shady likes this.
  13. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood yeah past experience says you're right.

    So today was one of those days when I question my self worth.
    I deal with real people, I say something I wasn't supposed to say and they just go silent and I realize I shouldn't have said that and I burn on the inside. And then I think I'm never going to learn and I keep beating myself up.

    Based on my past experiences, this eventually leads to relapse.

    So today when that happened, I joked about it right in front of them and I diffused the tension.
    I still felt terrible inside but it felt much better. I decided not to think about it again. This will not teach me how to talk but practice will and I am much much better with dealing with people than I was two years ago.
    So when I decided not to think about it, the PMO thoughts became weaker like something I see in front of me, just so far away.

    I'm going to bed early to forget about this and sleep it off before I do something I regret. I'm keeping all my devices outside the room.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  14. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I was about to fall off the wagon. I thought for a second about PMO. I touched it for a second then I thought,what the hell! Why not just PMO.
    Then I realized how ridiculous that is and I just slept it off.

    Hey everyone, I have a question, I'm feeling an itch down there all the time. Is that normal in reboot?
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I guess it’s part of it. I often have that tingling feeling or a heaviness in the balls.
    Shady likes this.
  16. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Last night was terrible.
    After having trouble at work during the day, I spent the evening looking back at what happened and I was so angry and confused.
    I felt my hand going there but I just quickly distracted myself by watching TV.

    Now I'm thinking. I haven't really thought about porn for a while. Maybe I'm addicted to FMO and porn is just an escalation that comes after days of FMO.
    Fantasy could be a bad thing.
  17. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Today I saw something on TV which made me want to MO.
    I turned the TV off and went to have a nap.
    When I woke up, the thought was still there but it was much weaker. Like something I see at a distance.
    Does it ever get easy?
  18. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Woke up today feeling really depressed. I hate this.
    I can make myself happy but the depression is always there hidden in the background.
  19. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    This is getting so very difficult.
    Urges are back and very strong.
    It's getting impossible to fight. I hate this.
    I feel like relapse is so close but I'm trying not to think too much about it.
  20. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    It's not impossible, don't let the addicted mind fool you into thinking this way. I feel you on the depression, I feel that way too. But the porn will only make it worse and keep you locked in a cycle of depression. Maybe turn off your electronics and find something else to do.
    Shady likes this.

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