A New Perspective

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.

  1. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Urges are "a lot" today...
     
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hang in there mate. Have you found something else to do so you can get your mind off the urges?
     
    Shady likes this.
  3. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    I'm always doing something else. I have been for years, but doubt still creeps in somehow and then relapse follows.

    What I've been doing the past few years:
    I've been meeting new friends, I've been trying new side jobs and I go running almost everyday.

    What I've been doing for a month:
    I'm doing some online courses developing myself in my field and expanding my knowledge and also learning new things outside my line of work.

    On a separate note, "Urges go away!"
     
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  4. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Today I had a "dream"
    As soon as I woke up, it all came back and suddenly I had a boner.
    I fought the urge to MO and managed to do so.
    Later in the day, I forgot about the dream, but the urge to MO stayed with me.
    It took everything I had to fight it and I did.
    Based on past experience, when that happens, I manage to fight it for a few days then eventually relapse does happen, so I'm really worried right now.

    Looking back on this streak, I noticed that I had lots of urges but they were all about MO, but I didn't feel any urge to check out P.
    So I don't even know what I am. A P addict? an MO addict? I don't really know anymore.
    Maybe MO is OK during reboot, but then maybe it's not.
    So I'm not taking any chances this time. I'm not going to MO at all during the first three months of my reboot.

    Onward and upward.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Your brain can use MO to trick you into P in the days after. The two are connected and will never stay separated for long. Neurons that fire together, wire together.
     
    Shady likes this.
  6. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood yeah past experience says you're right.

    So today was one of those days when I question my self worth.
    I deal with real people, I say something I wasn't supposed to say and they just go silent and I realize I shouldn't have said that and I burn on the inside. And then I think I'm never going to learn and I keep beating myself up.

    Based on my past experiences, this eventually leads to relapse.

    So today when that happened, I joked about it right in front of them and I diffused the tension.
    I still felt terrible inside but it felt much better. I decided not to think about it again. This will not teach me how to talk but practice will and I am much much better with dealing with people than I was two years ago.
    So when I decided not to think about it, the PMO thoughts became weaker like something I see in front of me, just so far away.

    I'm going to bed early to forget about this and sleep it off before I do something I regret. I'm keeping all my devices outside the room.
     
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  7. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I was about to fall off the wagon. I thought for a second about PMO. I touched it for a second then I thought,what the hell! Why not just PMO.
    Then I realized how ridiculous that is and I just slept it off.

    Hey everyone, I have a question, I'm feeling an itch down there all the time. Is that normal in reboot?
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I guess it’s part of it. I often have that tingling feeling or a heaviness in the balls.
     
    Shady likes this.
  9. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Last night was terrible.
    After having trouble at work during the day, I spent the evening looking back at what happened and I was so angry and confused.
    I felt my hand going there but I just quickly distracted myself by watching TV.

    Now I'm thinking. I haven't really thought about porn for a while. Maybe I'm addicted to FMO and porn is just an escalation that comes after days of FMO.
    Fantasy could be a bad thing.
     
  10. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Today I saw something on TV which made me want to MO.
    I turned the TV off and went to have a nap.
    When I woke up, the thought was still there but it was much weaker. Like something I see at a distance.
    Does it ever get easy?
     
  11. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Woke up today feeling really depressed. I hate this.
    I can make myself happy but the depression is always there hidden in the background.
     
  12. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    This is getting so very difficult.
    Urges are back and very strong.
    It's getting impossible to fight. I hate this.
    I feel like relapse is so close but I'm trying not to think too much about it.
     
  13. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    It's not impossible, don't let the addicted mind fool you into thinking this way. I feel you on the depression, I feel that way too. But the porn will only make it worse and keep you locked in a cycle of depression. Maybe turn off your electronics and find something else to do.
     
    Shady likes this.
  14. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Thanks, @positivef. Totally agree.

    Update:
    I don't like this at all. I feel like relapse is just around the corner. It's taking more and more to resist this each day. I'm trying. But what if I'm weak one day and I just slip. I don't like these close calls. It's too much of a risk.

    I know I still have my last line of defense, the website blockers but I don't want to get there.

    Few days ago, I was about to check P and I had totally forgotten about the website blockers I have. I ended up not even trying or even picking up the phone in the first place. Next day, I thought about it and thought that I'd have hated it if I had done it, then I remembered all about the website blockers I had installed.
    I'm glad I'm not relying on them, but now I feel good knowing they're there.

    Onward and Upward.
     
  15. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    This has been a terrible week at work. People are so black inside. Everyone wants to hurt you. You have to keep looking back while also keeping that smile on your face in front of everyone there.

    This is so exhausting and it's weighing on me. But still I'm not quitting this job till I find a better one. I'm not going to stay at home without a job.

    I can keep doing this, but I can't tell you guys what I'd do now for the relief of just one session of PMO.

    Sigh...

    Onward and upward.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  16. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Do they want to hurt you, or just doing anything to get ahead; either way fuck them.

    The best way is through personal growth, leaving PMO behind. PMO would hardly be a relief - just making things worse. Choose a less self-destructive method of stress relief.
     
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  17. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Past two days have been weird for me.
    I've been feeling both "bubbly" and depressed. It's a weird confusing combination that makes me feel all messed up.
    I don't know what got me there but Ive had no cravings past two days so I must be doing something right.
     
    positivef likes this.
  18. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    The approach of not counting the days is really good.

    Today I realized it has been a month since my last PMO.

    How I feel? Still depressed. Still fighting to keep urges away. It's just as in day 1.
    My journey has just begun.
     
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  19. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Ahh that's 33 days. That's my previous record.
    Last time when I hit the 33 day mark, I was feeling over the moon. It's different this time though.

    I'm feeling terrible. I don't have any libido. I get angry so easy. I caused all kinds of trouble at work. I feel like I hate everyone and everything. I feel paranoid all the time. I misinterpret many situations which causes a lot of tension. I feel like I don't want to see anyone and I lost interest in all my hobbies and favorite activities. Terribly depressed.
    I hate this. My head is a mess right now.

    The only upside here is that I don't even believe that PMO is going to fix this now.

    Why am I like this?

    Is this flatline? Withdrawal? How can I be "normal" again?
    I can't stay like this.

    Onward and Upward?
     
    BoughtWithBlood and -Luke- like this.
  20. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Nice man! You can be proud of yourself.

    Maybe PMO might even help in the short term, but afterwards you'll feel like shit even more.

    My guess is withdrawals. Sounds very familiar. Is there anything you can think of that would give you a sense of accomplishment? Like a good workout, learning something new,... Maybe you won't feel better afterwards, but I think it's important to do something positive in a situation like that. The feeling will pass at some point. Don't know when, it's different for everybody. But it will pass.
     

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