A New Perspective

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    So sorry for your loss man. I can totally understand it’s really really hard not to go on a binge now, to forget about the pain. As said by @Thelongwayhome27 , it won’t help you. It will just numb you for a bit until it wears off. Then you’ll be faced with the same difficult emotions, accompanied by guild and shame. It’s best to embrace your emotions right now and go through them. I know this is easier said than done. Stay strong Shady!
     
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  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm sorry to hear that. P may seem comforting, and may be for the moment, but is it worth it? This will be a true test, but you can do it.
     
    Shady likes this.
  3. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 @-Luke- @BoughtWithBlood @Eternity Thanks guys.

    Well I went to run some errands, worked out, went for a run then came back home and had a cold shower.
    I also ate a lot and it did get me distracted a bit.
    I think I'm out of the woods for now.
     
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  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Amazing job Shady! Well done!
     
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  5. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    So I've been addicted to porn for the past twenty years.
    I started this journey three years ago.
    During these three years, I found myself mindlessly falling to the habit of PMO and abstaining from it. There was no pattern to this. I was not in control. I knew every feeling there is when it comes to falling to the habit or abstaining from it for up to 21 days.
    I hated that I was not in control. Even if I'm PMO free, I couldn'tcontrol myself or stay PMO free.

    Then I thought about drug addicts going to rehabs. They give them small doses every once in a while until they're completely free.

    So I came up with a road map or an action plan, call it what you will.
    What if I try to stay PMO free for more than 21 days then after I break that record, I'd relapse intentionally. Then I start over and break that new record, maybe double it, then relapse and keep breaking my records till I'm free for a year, then two then three and so on till I'm free for life.

    I've been trying to completely deny myself PMO for my whole life and just go with real sex, but it never worked, but maybe by setting small goals and expanding, I can do this.

    So I set the record for 28 days. I stayed PMO free for 33 days, so I even got past the record I set for myself and then last night I intentionally relapsed and let me tell you it felt amazing. It was the best PMO session I've had my whole life.

    This got me thinking, if staying free for a month can give me an amazing PMO session, then imagine how real sex could feel like when I'm completely porn free.
    So anyway, my previous record was 21 days, I planned on doing 28 days and I did 33.

    Now I'm setting a new record of staying PMO free for 60 days.

    Day 1:
    Its been a day since my relapse so I've had some time to look back.
    I'm feeling great. I don't even feel guilty. This was all part of the plan.
    The next five days will be difficult and I will have strong urges, but I've been through this zillions of times and I might feel depressed, but I'm used to all that.

    So 60 here we come.

    Onward and Upward.
     
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  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Hope this works for you! I’ve tried it in the past but it just lead to more relapses for me.
     
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  7. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    One thing you could try when you hit the big 60 is to say to yourself “Well, that was 60 days, let’s just one more....” and then the following repeat and see what happens. I think that idea of having a number to aim at, whether it’s 30, 60 , 90 days etc. Can be a bit intimidating because if we don’t hit it we can feel like a failure. I think that’s why some advocate for using a spreadsheet instead of a counter so that over time you can see progress as a gradual reduction of PMO rather than a number of days going without it.

    Having said that, I’m still using a counter myself.
     
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It wouldn't work for me either. If I allow it once, why not twice? I hope it works for you, though. We're on the same day now so I too will attempt to reach 60 days.
     
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  9. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @BoughtWithBlood it's all about trial and error

    @Clovis6 that's exactly what I did. I had a goal of 28 days and I pushed it to 33 days.

    @Eternity yeah we can do this. We're in this together.
     
  10. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    I completely overlooked that, even though It was clearly written. Anyway, on to the 60 days.
     
    Shady likes this.
  11. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    First of all: sorry for your loss, man. That's tough.

    About intentionally 'relapsing': I think it's perfectly fine to say to yourself that you need a bit of relief every now and then. It might not be ideal, but I question wether ideal is realistic. When you look at the average journal on this board there are the regular slips and what often happens is that the guys will feel really bad about it, blame themselves and feel even worse. It's far from rare that that's enough to headdive into another PMO-binge. Reality is that for the fast majority of us occasional slips will be part of the journey. Knowing that, perhaps it's best to accept the facts and deal with it in a more controlled way. That might safe us a whole lot of unnecessary dissappointment in ourselves.

    However, when I read your post from monday there are a couple of things that make me question wether this is really a controlled approach or rather a justifaction of your recent slip. You wouldn't be the first on here to try this:) One thing why I question that is the fact that the comparisson with controlled drug addiction is rather off. As far as I know (but I'm no expert) bringing down the dosis occurs with drugaddicts that use on a daily basis and also get the lower dose on a daily basis. This is especially helpful because these people feel like they need the drug. What you describe is something different. First of all: you have proven to yourself you don't need your 'drug' on a daily basis. And this is something that I consider very positive: 33 days is a great streak! So your situation is different than for example a heroin addict that uses a couple times per day.

    But more importantly, what you describe is not a stepped decrease in the amount of your drugs, but a stepped decrease in the time between your 'drugs'. As far as I know that is not what you see in these programs and I think there is a reason for that. Giving a full-blown amount of drugs just when you start to desentisize a bit doesn't sound like the best of ideas. And on top of that: it's not controlled. There is no one to make sure you get a lower amount and it's not like you control that anyway. Sure, you could watch porn that is more vanilla, but when you have that video open, what is stopping you from going a little step further? Especially when you think of this in terms of dopamine: this is something that you can not control. You can't say "Now I have had my daily amount of dopamine, so now it's time to close the video." If you are an addict, that's not how it works.

    Another thing is that you mentioned you intentionally relapsed, but is this really the case? I haven't seen anywhere in your journal this far that you had the intent to relapse after you broke your record. And that this happens when you are going through a rough period is a red flag too. So ask yourself: was this really an intentional plan or is it a justification of your relapse?

    And I don't ask this question because I think your just a guy that makes up stuff, but everybody on this forum (and that includes me) has been dishonest to himself in the past and being dishonest to yourself is just not helping you at all. Perhaps I'm wrong and this was the plan all along, then you can ofcourse ignore this post. Like I said, I think there are reasons for allowing a bit of release every now and then, but it's likely to be a slippery slope. In my experience it's best to be strict with yourself. Be clear and explicit to yourself what is allowed and what not. Also I would suggest skipping the porn and sticking to plain masturbation is probably a better plan if you actually want to 'lower the dose'.
     
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  12. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @Living reading your post it got me thinking, am I really an addict?
    I'm wondering because there has been situations when I watched a bit then closed the video because I feel like I've had the "required dopamine".
    So am I really an addict? I don't really know, but the only thing that matters is that when the journey is over, I'll be in control of my urges. That's my goal.

    And 33 days is just the beginning. Conditioning takes years. It took me twenty years to be addicted so I don't care how long it takes.

    About it being intentional, yes it was 100% intentional. I admit I wanted to push it to 35 days (a whole week past my original plan), but I only managed to get to 33. But it's OK 5 days extension is great. And if I can push it five more days, I can push it for another month. I just needed a push, but I waited five more days for that push.
    And I didn't mention it in my previous entries because I know at least one person on here would discourage me from doing an intentional relapse and this could have made me doubt my plan, but I know I can do this.

    Who knows, maybe when I get to sixty days, I can push my intentional relapse a whole month away which would take my streak to three months.

    Anyway, as I said in a previous post it's all trial and error.

    I know this approach will work.
    So sixty days till my next relapse. Hopefully more.
     
    Living likes this.
  13. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Day 3:
    Ive been busy the past few days which is good because urges are strong in the first few days after relapse.

    Going for a run in a few minutes.
     
  14. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Day 4:
    For as long as I can remember, I've always been aroused by porn and not real life women. Never felt anything towards my girlfriends.
    That must be the price of porn addiction.
    Despite my recent relapse, I had a new feeling today. I felt aroused by a woman in real life.
    I don't know what that means and I don't even know whether that's good or bad.
    All I know is that I'm truly in uncharted territory now. And it's confusing.
     
  15. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Day 5:
    Urges towards porn are beginning to subside. Urges towards real life women and real connection are increasing.
    My urges towards porn began to subside around 5-7 days during my last streak,
    so at least this is going as plan.

    Went for a run today...
    Always makes me feel better.
     
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  16. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Day 6:
    Got triggered today because of something I saw on TV and I had to struggle to keep FROM PMOing and I successfully avoided it.
    I'm thinking I should stay away from TV during my reboot, but I like TV.

    Been focusing on my eating habits. I strayed from the path when the quarantine began and I began gaining back the weight but I'm trying to fix this.
     
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  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I don't know, we can go full monk mode but would that actually be beneficial? TV may be a bad idea but sometimes my brain needs to relax. I think the better question is how to avoid the triggers.
     
  18. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Full monk? No that's not really living.

    Speaking of going avoiding triggers, the past couple of days I've been having extreme urges, so I've decided to stay away from the internet all together.

    Problem is, I felt like hell. I'm so depressed and have been for the past couple of days.

    I've been rethinking the direction my life and career are taking and I'm not really liking it. This is not helping. When you feel bad, you turn to porn. So I've tried staying away from internet, but I can't live like that. This is like taking painkillers instead of getting a real cure.
     
  19. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    For days I felt it coming. Yesterday it did.
    Yesterday I relapsed, but I didn't intend to this time. This was not the plan.

    Today I felt so bad. I hated myself for not being in control after being in control for so long.

    Anyway, what's done is done. Let's start over.
     
  20. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Day 2
    Went for a run and visited my family.

    Urges are non existent so far.

    On to sixty days...
     

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