Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.
Amazing job Shady! Well done!
So I've been addicted to porn for the past twenty years.
I started this journey three years ago.
During these three years, I found myself mindlessly falling to the habit of PMO and abstaining from it. There was no pattern to this. I was not in control. I knew every feeling there is when it comes to falling to the habit or abstaining from it for up to 21 days.
I hated that I was not in control. Even if I'm PMO free, I couldn'tcontrol myself or stay PMO free.
Then I thought about drug addicts going to rehabs. They give them small doses every once in a while until they're completely free.
So I came up with a road map or an action plan, call it what you will.
What if I try to stay PMO free for more than 21 days then after I break that record, I'd relapse intentionally. Then I start over and break that new record, maybe double it, then relapse and keep breaking my records till I'm free for a year, then two then three and so on till I'm free for life.
I've been trying to completely deny myself PMO for my whole life and just go with real sex, but it never worked, but maybe by setting small goals and expanding, I can do this.
So I set the record for 28 days. I stayed PMO free for 33 days, so I even got past the record I set for myself and then last night I intentionally relapsed and let me tell you it felt amazing. It was the best PMO session I've had my whole life.
This got me thinking, if staying free for a month can give me an amazing PMO session, then imagine how real sex could feel like when I'm completely porn free.
So anyway, my previous record was 21 days, I planned on doing 28 days and I did 33.
Now I'm setting a new record of staying PMO free for 60 days.
Its been a day since my relapse so I've had some time to look back.
I'm feeling great. I don't even feel guilty. This was all part of the plan.
The next five days will be difficult and I will have strong urges, but I've been through this zillions of times and I might feel depressed, but I'm used to all that.
So 60 here we come.
Onward and Upward.
Hope this works for you! I’ve tried it in the past but it just lead to more relapses for me.
One thing you could try when you hit the big 60 is to say to yourself “Well, that was 60 days, let’s just one more....” and then the following repeat and see what happens. I think that idea of having a number to aim at, whether it’s 30, 60 , 90 days etc. Can be a bit intimidating because if we don’t hit it we can feel like a failure. I think that’s why some advocate for using a spreadsheet instead of a counter so that over time you can see progress as a gradual reduction of PMO rather than a number of days going without it.
Having said that, I’m still using a counter myself.
It wouldn't work for me either. If I allow it once, why not twice? I hope it works for you, though. We're on the same day now so I too will attempt to reach 60 days.
@BoughtWithBlood it's all about trial and error
@Clovis6 that's exactly what I did. I had a goal of 28 days and I pushed it to 33 days.
@Eternity yeah we can do this. We're in this together.
I completely overlooked that, even though It was clearly written. Anyway, on to the 60 days.
@Living reading your post it got me thinking, am I really an addict?
I'm wondering because there has been situations when I watched a bit then closed the video because I feel like I've had the "required dopamine".
So am I really an addict? I don't really know, but the only thing that matters is that when the journey is over, I'll be in control of my urges. That's my goal.
And 33 days is just the beginning. Conditioning takes years. It took me twenty years to be addicted so I don't care how long it takes.
About it being intentional, yes it was 100% intentional. I admit I wanted to push it to 35 days (a whole week past my original plan), but I only managed to get to 33. But it's OK 5 days extension is great. And if I can push it five more days, I can push it for another month. I just needed a push, but I waited five more days for that push.
And I didn't mention it in my previous entries because I know at least one person on here would discourage me from doing an intentional relapse and this could have made me doubt my plan, but I know I can do this.
Who knows, maybe when I get to sixty days, I can push my intentional relapse a whole month away which would take my streak to three months.
Anyway, as I said in a previous post it's all trial and error.
I know this approach will work.
So sixty days till my next relapse. Hopefully more.
Ive been busy the past few days which is good because urges are strong in the first few days after relapse.
Going for a run in a few minutes.
For as long as I can remember, I've always been aroused by porn and not real life women. Never felt anything towards my girlfriends.
That must be the price of porn addiction.
Despite my recent relapse, I had a new feeling today. I felt aroused by a woman in real life.
I don't know what that means and I don't even know whether that's good or bad.
All I know is that I'm truly in uncharted territory now. And it's confusing.
Urges towards porn are beginning to subside. Urges towards real life women and real connection are increasing.
My urges towards porn began to subside around 5-7 days during my last streak,
so at least this is going as plan.
Went for a run today...
Always makes me feel better.
Got triggered today because of something I saw on TV and I had to struggle to keep FROM PMOing and I successfully avoided it.
I'm thinking I should stay away from TV during my reboot, but I like TV.
Been focusing on my eating habits. I strayed from the path when the quarantine began and I began gaining back the weight but I'm trying to fix this.
I don't know, we can go full monk mode but would that actually be beneficial? TV may be a bad idea but sometimes my brain needs to relax. I think the better question is how to avoid the triggers.
Full monk? No that's not really living.
Speaking of going avoiding triggers, the past couple of days I've been having extreme urges, so I've decided to stay away from the internet all together.
Problem is, I felt like hell. I'm so depressed and have been for the past couple of days.
I've been rethinking the direction my life and career are taking and I'm not really liking it. This is not helping. When you feel bad, you turn to porn. So I've tried staying away from internet, but I can't live like that. This is like taking painkillers instead of getting a real cure.
For days I felt it coming. Yesterday it did.
Yesterday I relapsed, but I didn't intend to this time. This was not the plan.
Today I felt so bad. I hated myself for not being in control after being in control for so long.
Anyway, what's done is done. Let's start over.
Went for a run and visited my family.
Urges are non existent so far.
On to sixty days...
Now this has gone out of control.
I've been binging the past few days.
This is not working...
Hope you’ll find your way back to being in control soon. You’ve been there before and you can get there again. Getting back on the horse is very hard after a relapse. Especially when it wasn’t Just one quick pmo, but one or more binges. This, however, does not mean it’s impossible. You’re strong, you can get there again!
You're right. I've been there before.
Last night I did it again and as I sat there hating myself, I thought fatigue, exhaustion and anxiety have been creeping back since my first binge. I have to stop doing that to myself. It's difficult to stop but it's still not going to end until I end it. I have to step up.
So I thought, New month New beginning.
So the first of July...
Now I'm telling myself from the near future especially my future self from September the first... "you are 60 days free of PMO"
Onward and upward.
Keeping my devices outside my room at night really helped.
I've been clean for two days.
I can't rely on willpower alone right now. In a few days I can, but not right now.
I just need to get past the first week.
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