A New Perspective

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for opening up man. I know that feeling of pride after a long streak. But let me tell you, it’s possible to get back to almost daily porn if you’re not careful. I’ve been there. Multiple 60 to 100 day streaks under my belt but now I’m having a really hard time to get a week going.

    The pathways are still there in your brain. It doesn’t take that much porn and MO to dust them off and re-establish them.

    Be careful for the chaser effect and the lies and rationalizations. Don’t be like I was :D

    Stay free man! Best of luck.
     
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  2. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

     
  3. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i hang around a barbershop long enough, i'm going to get a haircut.
     
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  4. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

  5. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    OK so willpower is not my friend right now even though it has been for the past year.

    I've been doing PMO on and off during the past few days and I was enjoying it so much that I didn't even care about anything until I had satisfied that year long itch.

    That thirst was finally quenched three days ago, which is when I finally came back to my senses and realized I have been ruining everything for a week. I felt that it's all behind me, but then I did it again even though I didn't have any more urges. I was just used to it.

    For three days, I tried to rely on my willpower to end this, but to no effect. That's why I downloaded a website blocker yesterday even though I don't trust these things. I'm wary of hacking and such. Let's hope nothing bad happens and let's hope it gets me back on track.

    My life is so good right now because I've been working on fixing it for the past year. PMO might ruin all of this and I don't think I can take anymore falls. Another fall might kill me.

    Wish me luck. I wish you all the same.

    Onward and upward.
     
  6. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    I've been thinking.
    What's wrong with us?
    We're fully grown people. We are not kids or animals who can't control themselves.
    Why can't we fight some simple urge. Yes, simple. We are the ones that let it grow in our minds.
    We are the ones that let this happen.
    It's all about the mindset.
    My 1 year steak happened only because I changed my mindset. I decided that it's over. I'm not setting a goal for a 1 month 2 or 3 or even 6 months streak. I'm doing this for life.
    I only relapsed when that mindset changed. It's all in our heads and we're strong enough to fight this.

    Onward and Upward
     
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  7. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    My past self who wrote that previous post in this journal is looking at me and laughing now.

    The last 2 months were "chaotic". There was no clear pattern in my actions during that time. Sometimes I stayed off PMO. Sometimes it was just MO and some other times it was just P.
    It didn't revert back to the daily habits or the more than once daily habits, but it was still consistent in a way.
    I didn't really feel or care about stopping. Happened or not, I just went with the flow and mood.
    Life was going great, but then it gradually moved back to what it was before my streak.
    The common denominator here is me.
    I've noticed that I become weird around people after I MO or PMO. The thing is, they can see it and they keep dropping hints in their talk that they understand. I usually ignore there hints but then they still hit deep.

    So what I've discussed in this post and the previous one is great and is a very strong motivation for me to quit, but then it all escapes my mind as soon as I'm alone with my dark thought. These dark thoughts take over and I forget all of those good motivations.
    I feel like I have extreme darkness inside and it scares me. It becomes more prominent when I'm regularly PMOing.

    I've tried website blockers, but for some reason hey don't work for me.
    My willpower is not enough right now. Something has to stop me and I still don't know what that could be.

    Onward and Upward
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I hope you can find that breakthrough you're looking for @Shady . Keep searching and you'll find the way to overcome it. Don't give up. Keep checking in with what has worked for others and trying it until you find something that works for you.
     
    Shady likes this.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Which ones did you try and why didn't they work?
     
  10. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    you said it yourself, Shady. "there was no clear pattern in my actions" . as for me i need a map to know where i am going. i need structure in my life, a daily schedule when the urges hit hardest. i need to account for everyminute of my day with positive tasks. i don't leave room in there for PMO to sneak in. no such thing as sneaking in for me. when i pmo is because i want to. i am not talking about willpower. i am saying is if i want to PMO no matter what is on my agenda, i will stray. it just helps to be busy and not think of the filth. for me any excuse is as good as the next. hang in there. don't quit before the miracle.
     
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  11. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Rudolf Geyse wow thank you for the nice words.

    @-Luke- you've tried them all?

    @badger thank your for the wise comment.
    That's so true. The thing is, these words sound good on paper or in your head, but in reality it doesn't work 90% of the time.
    Busy used to help... Not anymore.
     
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  12. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Update:
    No PMO since my last post. It kind helps when I think of how it negatively affects me, but then we as humans are plagued with forgetfulness.
    Having been through this, I forget all about this maybe few days or months or years later.
    Also having been through PMO free streaks, I know it's easy at the beginning, but then it gets difficult with time.

    Onward and upward.
     
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  13. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    So I've spent more than a year away from PMO. During that year, I managed to become a healthier person. That was clear through my increased fitness, losing weight till I reached my ideal weight, my back didn't hurt anymore, I became more confident around people, I achieved so much in my work life and I gradually started to lose my headaches.

    After a more than a year long streak, I relapsed three months ago. Since then, I've been gaining back the weight I had lost, my headaches and back pain returned and I'm awkward around people all over again.

    Again that's all great, but all of these realizations fly out of the window whenever I'm alone with my phone...

    Onward and Upward.
     
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  14. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    Shady, my brother,
    you have gone clean for a year so you know what you have to do. it's not about the time you put in, it's what you put in, in that time. you are correct knowledge alone is useless. it's what you do with that knowledge. action. of course the first thing to do is to not get in the ring with the filth gorilla. i always get my ass kicked. sometimes i will say " i'll just get in the ring for a minute" then i find myself beaten again. although my counter says over 200 days, i have peeked at porn a couple of times in that interim. i have mo'd once maybe twice in that 7 mos period. but i am a long way from doing it everyday like i used to. and having all the negative consequences that come with it. the feelings of guilt, degenerate, remorse, less than, weak, dirty, etc. etc. i am far from perfect or where i want to be. but it's progress not perfection for me. i will reset my counter not because i feel guilty about the number, but because it's not about the time clean. do i get a degree when i reach x days? no. it's about today. just put one foot in front of another and do the next right thing. yes long streaks, days, build on each other but i don't knock myself for one setback. i try to learn from that fuck-up. what was i doing that day that caused me to fall? what was i feeling? did i do somebody wrong? usually when i go back to the filth monster, i am trying to avoid guilt or pain in my life. and usually i have gone against the decency of being a human being. enough of my old man ramblings. like you say onward and upward. i'm praying for you. keep up the good fight. don't quit before the miracle.
     
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  15. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    :( When I read about people who were able to abstain for one year I feel so motivated. You guys are my heros! I wish I could do the same.

    How come that you were successful for one year with a phone and suddenly it became a problem? Or did you use your IT stuff in that time?

    Shady, you can do it again. You wanna share why you have getting weak after one year? Could you identify your trigger?
     
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  16. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Did you relapse once or are you continually relapsing? The dopamine high is still alluring and so easy to access. Do you know what was the trigger other than being alone with a smart phone?

    I'm sure you can get back on the horse and become even stronger.
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2021
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  17. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @badger well said. That is correct. I'm not trying enough. Thank you so much for being there for me, badge.
    I wish you all the success with your journey as well.

    @birdsky it was actually a negative thing that helped me back then. It was a depressive bipolar episode.
    During that episode I was barely surviving. The episode started after it was public knowledge where I work that I'm an addicted wanker. Everyone was making fun of me and I was shunned and my manager stopped handing me any tasks. I was all alone.
    One of the symptoms of these bipolar episodes is paranoia and delusions. I was under the impression that my phone was hacked and if I ever watch P again, I'll be fired.
    My performance at work declined and I was tired all the time. I began forgetting things and I zoned out all the time.
    After the episode ended, I realized that I was not handed any assignments because I made lots of mistakes not because he found out.
    I was in a self fulfilling prophecy guided by my delusions.
    I was dying and nothing felt fun anymore, not even PMO.
    I have to find another way to quit PMO, because this was hell on earth. If I go through another one of those episodes, I might die because my heart is already physically sick because of what I went through back then.
    I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help. I still don't have the answer.

    @positivef started with three times a month then once a week then three times a week then every two days and now it's every day. I'm not even driven by the urges anymore. I just find myself doing it everyday before sleep.
     
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    There is no reason you won't get back up again Shady, I'm sure. You've learned a lot during your one year sober streak and there may be something to learn also from the relapse. Strength to you amigo !
     
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  19. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hey Shady, I am sorry to hear that you have been working with such as*****s together. How come that they have found about your addiction? Have you talked about it with someone at your workplace?

    Because of the bipolarity and paranoia: Do you see a Doctor / Psychologist because of that? Since my visit in the hospital I don't think any good about them anymore, but if you're suffering from such a decease maybe they can help you out?

    It's not that extreme for me, but I am sometimes get panicked too that someone could find out about my addition. Especially because I have told the psychologist who didn't see a problem with it. I don't know if I can thrust him. On the otherside, why should he tell someone? Who would care, nowadays almost everyone is wanking off. If you fear to be hacked, don't use your devises. GO OFFLINE. Try to find other ways to occupy yourself - what cool stuff have you accomplished while your 1 years streak? You could do that again, obviously it helped you. btw: I am sure that no one is interested in knowing what you do with your smartphone.

    Everything will be ok, just patience and refocusing thoughts in positive directions.
     
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  20. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    In that case it is probably a habit that was become associated with bedtime. Can you remove access to these devices after a certain time? I saw a video about how habits become associated with certain situations, but I couldn't find.

    However, I re-watched this video and it has inspired me again. Maybe you could set one day (and night) per week to cut usage to begin with?

    How I Tricked My Brain To Like Doing Hard Things (dopamine detox)
     
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