Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.
I'm glad I have something positive to report this time. Brainfog is clearing up.
When you're felling down, that's when you're most vulnerable. That's when relapse might happen if you let it.
That's where I'm at now.
I'm sorry the positive didn't stay for long.
Stay safe everyone...
Onward and upward. I guess...
You’re doing great Shady! Don’t give up
How was the weekend @Shady?
How’s it going @Shady ?
@Rudolf Geyse @BoughtWithBlood thank you for asking.
PMO wise, I'm still clean and I just found out that it has been 360 days since my last PMO.
I haven't found a healthy alternative yet or something to release the stress and make me feel happy. What I managed to do, though, is learn to fight it off. In other words, the urge is still there. I'm just ignoring it.
I feel like I haven't been cued of my addiction, but I'm still clean and that's a win.
Maybe in time, I'll stop having urges.
In that year, I've learned that your goals are achievable if you concentrate on them. The brain fog prevented me from seeing that. I still get the fog from time to time, but at least I don't have it all the time now.
I heard once that all problems surface when you quit PMO. That's 100% true and I hate it. It's ugly and you have to face all these cumulative problems all at once now. It's a huge load on your back, but it gets lighter as you begin fixing them one by one. The fixable ones at that.
As for the bipolar, I still hate myself. I don't get as many episodes as I used to and I'm OK most f the time, except for that constant gut feeling all the time that something bad is going to happen.
I'm glad I'm beginning to see some progress at work now that my thinking is clearer and I will never give up no matter how difficult it gets.
Overall, life is better now without PMO and that's what I'm grateful for.
Onward and Upward
Happy to hear you are still clean and abstaining. You’ll get there buddy! Keep doing what you’re doing cause you’re making great progress.
A lot of wisdom in your post. I wish you all the best!
Congratulations for 360 days, man. It wasn’t an easy year, but you still made it to 360 days, that’s awesome. You’ve inspired many guys on this forum, and you continue to do so.
It’s good that you have a long-term perspective on your journey (don’t change the name of your journal, I’m just saying ). You mentioned that even if the war is not over, your life is better now than a year ago. Somehow, I feel the same too, because I’m not cured from ED yet, but I’m healthier and happier than before my reboot. That’s why I’m saying we have to think long-term with this. Progress is so slow that it’s almost unnoticeable, and it’s good that you’re able to reflect on your journey like you did.
You’re the man, Shady!
@BoughtWithBlood thanks man. Same to you.
@Bilbo Swaggins on the contrary, I'm the one who has been inspired by everyone here.
You'll get there, buddy. I'm sure of it.
Exactly! Results are so slow. We are human beings and we are motivated by instant gratification. That's why we give up so fast in our PMO journey.
So it's all about patience and belief that we can get there one day.
My current thoughts:
I've lost faith in all of humanity. Few weeks into my reboot journey, my secret was out at work... that I am a PMO addict. I don't even know how this happened, but it did.
A year later, they are still using that against me even though I'm clean now. It's like lamb to the slaughter. Once they're down, no one is letting them back up.
It takes a lot to get out of bed everyday and to go to work and face them every day with all their smirks and hints. It hurts, but I'm not going to stop facing them everyday.
I'm never going to be able to erase what happened from my records. It's there for life. All I can do now is just to keep going. I hope I never lose the strength and I hope I never give up.
Facing people is so emotionally and physically demanding now because of this, but I'll do my best to keep going.
I hope you all can do the same.
Onward and upward.
Man, this sucks. Where do you work? At the kindergarten?
But all kidding aside. Keep going your way and ignore the others that aren't helpful. Stay strong man!
I’m sorry to hear that. People can be mean. Remember they’re just trying to push you down so they’re not confronted with their own flaws and failures. They’re trying to pull you down to the level you’ve risen above. Let them. You can keep your chin up. You’re a man.
Stay strong brother fight the bad with doing good. Set a good example, and lead by example. Respect will come.
All the best!
On a completely different note, I've recently learned to ignore silly jokesters.
@BoughtWithBlood thank you for those kind words.
Wow what a day.
That dreaded act, I thought it had happened, then I realized it didn't.
I thought I relapsed, but then it turned out, I didn't.
It was all a dream. One of the best I've ever had.
I've missed that euphoric feeling. For a moment, I was over the moon, then I fell crumbling down when I realized that this is relapse, then I adjusted myself and moved on when I realized it was all a dream.
TBH, I had missed that feeling. I'm kinda happy I got to experience that again without really relapsing.
Is this cheating? I don't know. I don't think so. I didn't ask for this dream, but I'm still grateful for it...
Oooh, the good old "is a relapse in a dream still relapse" meme!
I mean the answer has always been will always be "nope", but hey, if you wanna guilt trip about something that happened while you were literally unconscious... :3
Take care man
Yeah, I feel like it is our fault when we dream this stuff, because we have created unhelpful neurological patterns over years, and in REM our brains remove inhibitions in order to process concepts more freely and effectively. But, that doesn't mean we have to beat ourselves up about it. Hopefully we are moving in a direction in which, by adapting our behaviour in the waking hours, we reach a place where even in REM we will make wise decisions (lol!) and also, in real life, we will be thriving without the destructive crutch of PMO. That is the goal. I would even suggest we can appreciate these dreams as some kind of a release which helps us in our goal of pursuing helpful actions while awake, instead of spending waking hours chasing the release.
Getting weaker. Every once in a while I find myself opening a private tab then closing it again.
That's dangerous territory.
I was doing good the past year because I was busy all the time, now I'm not.
So I'm trying to find something to keep me busy all the time.
@dark red drifter vessel @Rudolf Geyse thanks, guys. I agree.
Great job on closing it down!
What are you looking for in terms of keeping yourself busy. Something computer related or rather something off the internet
Good job on resisting the urges, Shady. You’re doing good. You probably just have to make a few adjustments in your life, and things will smooth out.
Rooting for you, man.
@BoughtWithBlood @Bilbo Swaggins thanks guys.
And I keep myself busy taking online courses to develop my skills.
I've recently stumbled upon this amazing video and I thought I'd share it with you, guys.
This video has inspired me a lot.
I feel like he's describing my life... almost...
Privileged childhood that turned into a curse later on... check.
School bullying and backstabbing "friends"... check.
Forced to make life decisions I didn't want to make... check.
Finding my calling in acting... check.
Trauma... check more than once though not rape thankfully.
Addiction... check but it was PMO for me.
I've also felt like a stranger among my friends and they thought I was happy.
I've also played around with the idea of taking my own life.
I'm that sad pathetic guy who turned to fantasy to envision himself in control of his life when he really wasn't.
Over the past year, I have not only learned to avoid PMO, I've also grown as a person.
Only recently, I've decided to stand up for myself and I did and it felt great. I'm not that sad pathetic guy anymore.
But then my sin right now is pride. I've flown too close to the sun.
Two days ago, I thought to myself, hey I stand up for myself now, so I don't need PMO to make me feel good and add to that my year of hardmode and I've got myself a superman. I went and tested this. I watched 2 minutes of P. The great thing was that I felt nothing. I wasn't aroused at all. I thought to myself, P doesn't control me anymore. I felt great. I did it. I reversed years of sexual conditioning. I AM superman. I did feel euphoria though for my victory.
Today I decided to try it again. I also went with that 2 minutes rule and I didn't exceed it. This time I felt aroused. I was shocked. I didn't realize what was happening. The next thing I know, I had already MO'ed.
I turned it off and took a nap. I woke up feeling dizzy, my joints were making sounds again and the brain fog was bag.
Noah said it once and I didn't believe him at the time. Once a PMO addict, always a PMO addict. You are always going to be fighting this. You will have some periods of time where it's easy and others where it will need all your strength to fight it.
I made a mistake and Im not afraid to admit it, but i like the insight it gave me. Being away from PMO for a long time makes it easier to fight the urge and causes the sexual conditioning caused by it to be all dormant, but few days are more that enough to wake that monster up again even if you only test it for 4 minutes total during these few days.
I'm sharing this so that no one else goes through this. We are all here to learn from each other and not repeat each other's mistakes.
I still feel different, though. Like I know for sure it's different this time. I don't know how, but I do.
We'll see what happens the next few days.
I wish you all the best.
As Sam said it, embrace your pain, process and allow yourself to feel.
Onwards and Upwards
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