A New Perspective

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.

  1. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Pete McVries thank you for your reply and your concern.

    TBH, I don't have friends anymore. They all left for some reason but I did ask many of them before they did. All of them said they believe there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe they mean it and maybe they were just being nice.

    The psychiatrist said this is the time for meds. Other ways like talking for example should come later. He also said he believes in my case meds are temporary. I just don't believe him. Maybe he's saying this just to get me to start taking them then I would be all dependent on them.

    He said it's always going to be there but then it's episodic, like sometimes I'm perfectly well and some other times I'm not. I get episodes that last for few days or weeks then I revert back to normal.
    He also said it's all trial and error and I replied that I'm not ready for that.

    Thats the thing. They could have permanent effects. He said I should try for a while and see what happens, but if they have permanent then trying does hurt.

    They're both nice. I was just never a trusting person.

    Thank you, Pete. I wish you the same.

    On a side note :
    Just before I saw your post, I had just been at the pharmacy returning the medicine. I'm grateful I got a professional diagnosis, but now I can find my own ways to deal with this and besides I need to wait to be sure this is not withdrawal.
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    As far as I can see, that is virtually never the case. It would go against any work ethic therapists have. I've been to therapy some (in Germany, where you do not pay for therapy out of your own pocket, don't know how it's around parts.), and a whole boatload of friends and family too.

    So, while I don't think that fear is rooted in reality, and don't think you should follow it, I appreciate it makes everything a bit harder.

    Re meds, I used to be against all and any medication, then, years back I got suicidal/depressed, and then decided to take antidepressants. It was still hard, but it helped. Different thing tho, I don't have borderline. Friend of mine does, but his case is severe to the point of crippling. Not a real reference.

    Getting a diagnosis is helpful in one way, as it explains a bit why we might feel how we feel, and opens pathways for support. And as we all have learned on this forum, we are virtually never alone with our issues, there's always another person who has the same particular feature. And then there's a not so helpful side to a diagnosis, as it might feel like a judgement, and one might feel reduced to it.

    I'm very thankful both therapy and meds exist, because if they wouldn't, frankly, I might not be alive anymore. For that reason, I feel therapy and meds are a good idea. That is no universal truth, obviously, and I clearly am biased positively to therapy/meds. I appreciate others refrain from giving advice for or against therapy/meds. There's wisdom in that.

    But I would at least try out a new tool when it becomes available. If you feel the side effects have too much of an impact after a while (most meds have a build up period until they work during which side effects are extra funny) you can always discard it, after talking to your doc.

    Thats my two cents, take care!
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  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I fully agree with Pete mcVries’ entry and second that.

    I wanted to add: maybe it can help if you write your fears and doubts about medication in an e-mail and send it to your therapist? You can even write about your fight with pornography. I find it helps me a lot if there are things I find are hard to talk about. An email the day before a meeting and a question to talk about those things on the next visit.

    If you’re like me in this regard, it might help. If it doesn’t suit you though, don’t. This is about your needs.

    All the best!
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2021
    Shady likes this.
  4. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @dark red drifter vessel it really hurts just hearing about what you went through. I feel you man and I understand not all experiences are the same.
    And it's bipolar-disorder BTW.

    @BoughtWithBlood that's a good suggestion but I've already discussed it with him but I just can't trust him or anyone else for that matter.

    To everyone else, thank you all for helping me out with this. Even those who took it back. I really appreciate it.

    So on a different note, I think I have covid. The doctor asked for some blood tests but no verdict yet
  5. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the empathy. The good thing is, I actually am through with it. Apart from some visits back to that place. (Fuck the flashback episodes, they are tacky, they are filler, and I do not stand for them.)

    Oh sh...
    "In my defense they both start with b!"

    Sorry for the mistake. For what it's worth, I think bipolar is better to have than borderline, but I'm a biased boy bc I might qualify for bipolar as well (although Mania is very rare in me, I'm sure daddy Sheogorath is disappoint) and an ex has borderline and I hate her guts half of the time. :3

    Burn that bridge when you get there.

    Take care!
  6. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Is there such a thing as a better illness?
    I don't know what happened between you two, but maybe the actions that made you hate her were the condition's fault not hers.

    Burn the bridge? I'm the one burning up. Lol
  7. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Urges are back... With vengeance...
    I really can't take this anymore.
    When I'm awake, I get P flashbacks and I'm dying to see what's new on those websites.
    I'm dying for some MO.
    I see girls on the street and I remember different P movies.

    It's also haunting me while sleeping. I see myself watching P in my dreams but with no MO.
    I feel really happy when I get these dreams. It feels like away to cheat, but I know that if I chose to give on in my dreams, then it still counts as relapse, so I fight these urges even when sleeping.
    But at one point, you get tired of fighting.
    I've been through a lot and I'm not ruining that.
  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Yo, you're in the middle of the storm now, aren't you? Like a tiny ship in a tumultuous ocean on one of them dramatic oil paintings, eh?

    Keep sailing. You've come far, endured much, like our dude Odysseus. Hold on. Go through it. Nothing clever to say, no ace to put up sleeves, man, it's just hard. But you can take it, there'll be a shore, no matter how many clouds block the view, there'll be a shore, dude.
    Shady and Pete McVries like this.
  9. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Nice simile. I like that. Thanks Man.

    I haven't been feeling good lately at all. I had a close call today. I was dangerously close.

    Here's the thing, I've been trying to fill that void with something else for the past 9 months, but nothing is good enough. I tried many things with no luck.
    I've reached the fact that I'm miserable without PMO and even though I might never get back to it, Ive accepted the fact that I'll be miserable for the rest of my life.
    Maybe the real thing might be able to fill the void one day and make me feel as good as PMO once did, but that might never happen or it might take a long time and a lot of conditioning.

    I hope everyone is doing fine. I missed you all.
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  10. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Hi Shady,

    I don't think, your fundamental assumption that you will be miserable for the rest of your life without PMO is true. First of all, if you were to go back to regular PMO, wouldn't you even be more miserable in consequence apart from the short fleeting moments of ecstasy? Let me remind you of something you wrote:
    Secondly, and I don't know if I'm telling you stuff that you already know, in my mind you cannot compare PMO to healthy sex. Thus, the void you're feeling now will not be filled once you're dating (or whatever your ideal scenario looks like), it will rather disappear as it will have been replaced by something much more wholesome PMO could never be. For me, PMO always feels unfulfilling leaving you feeling irritated, confused and unsatisfied. Being in a relationship is so much more than fulfilling your sexual needs. And even the sex is so much more holistic than just climaxing with another human being as it has a conclusion. It's the joking, being intimate, sharing personal stuff, spending time together with activities both enjoy... It's like PMO and Sex are two completely different things, like football (or soccer for the those illiterate barbarians ;) ) and american football. Just because a ball is involved doesn't make them a similar thing.
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    How are you doing Shady?
    Shady likes this.
  12. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Pete McVries thanks. Well said.

    @BoughtWithBlood just getting by. Thanks for asking.

    Ever since I started my journey, my urges were getting dampened over time except for some spikes along the way that I've mentioned here on my journal a lot before.
    I thought that by now, the urges would be gone.
    The truth is, starting about a month or two ago, they started to get stronger and more frequent.
    I'm so confused right now. I don't know what's happening. It should be getting easier now, but it's not.
    If I knew that nine and a half months into my PMO reboot journey, I'd still be struggling I might never have gone through with it in the first place, but it's too late for that now. I'm here now and I'm not ruining this even if it means hating myself and hatung everything and just surviving.
    Everybody is still moving away from me like they see something wrong in me. All friends gone and I'm barely holding it together with my coworkers.
    This is what a miserable life feels like.
    All I have now is my walks, jogging, running, TV and meditation.
    A lonely life.
    How miserable is that...
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  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Oh man, you’re going through a lot. Sorry to hear that buddy.

    Know that I’m praying for you my man! And I proclaim that you will live a happy and fulfilling life. In the name of Jesus!
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  14. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @BoughtWithBlood thanks man. I really appreciate it.

    Flashbacks have become so frequent now. So strong. So terrible. So frequent.
    I feel like I'm getting more and more tired by the day.
    My walks, jogging, running, TV and meditation don't do it for me anymore. I don't feel a thing when I do them. It's like I've become desensitized. I feel nothing. I can't feel happy or sad. That's difficult for someone who lived on euphoric feelings for 20 years.
    Today I couldn't even get out of bed. I slept most of the day and I feel so tired.
    To top that, the P flashbacks are killing me.

    I don't know where we go from here. Is there even something to do or is this the end of the road
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  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Oh man. That sounds so tough. I wish I had the answers for you, but I don’t..

    Is there anything I can help you with? Maybe just to have a chat or something?
    Shady likes this.
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yeah, I don't know if anyone has overcome such an experience. I'd say to weather the storm and hope that it passes, but who knows. Admittedly I haven't kept up with your journal, so I can only wish you well.
    Shady likes this.
  17. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Hm. Sounds like you are in that painless limbo where you almost don't feel like a real person. It will pass, like all things, but I have no fucking clue as to in what manner. I'm not sure, did you ever begin therapy? If yes, get in contact with them, please.

    Yup, many people have gone through that valley and come out on the other side. I have, I think. Do not ask me how, I don't know. But these phases can be overcome. And porn addiction too, we have enough people here who did it.

    Escape, getting better is possible.

    Not that I do not appreciate the predicament shady is in. Cause your thing seems to have driven people away from you or you from them. And that is the thing that I think is the most crucial, not being so bloody alone in these hard times. I do not want to be cruel and poke at the wound. But if you keep fighting just on your own, there is no one to give you feedback, criticise or applaud you. I mean, not that we aren't part of your life in a fashion but my dude, we're a bunch of ethereal internet honchos with a massive wanking problem - not to shit talk ourselves here, but we are not sufficient.

    I'd recommend speaking to a therapist. And stay away from porn, too. As shitty as you might feel (or as little as you might feel), you have come far, endured much.

    This is not the end. It might feel like that, and boy, can I relate. I've felt I was at my end, too, and often, only to later learn it was another illusion, dispelled in the mists of another morning. It's a questionable perk of sometimes being on the wrong side of the sanity thing. It will get better.

    Keep sailing, and find somebody to talk to.
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2021
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  18. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

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  19. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    I'm glad I have something positive to report this time. Brainfog is clearing up.
  20. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    When you're felling down, that's when you're most vulnerable. That's when relapse might happen if you let it.
    That's where I'm at now.
    I'm sorry the positive didn't stay for long.

    Stay safe everyone...
    Onward and upward. I guess...

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