A New Perspective

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.

  1. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I agree with Rudolf.

    Just be open, try to relax, give it some time. If it helps you, great! If it doesn’t, you can always find another psychologist.
     
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  2. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys.

    You raise some good points @Rudolf Geyse

    I saw the psychiatrist today. His talk was more organized.
    He said my symptoms are mild but they're there.
    He said it's psychosis and cyclic mood change.

    I was wondering, could these symptoms be from PMO withdrawal?
    He said I should take a mood stabilizer.

    What if the symptoms were because of withdrawal? I'd be taking meds and struggling with side effects when I don't really need them.

    I couldn't tell him about my PMO addiction. I was so ashamed.

    I'm scared of meds. He said I could try them.
    But I thought, what if there are long term effects
     
  3. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    That’s not an easy question, man. Should you take medication or not? I think that most people will tell you that if you’re dealing with psychosis or borderline disorder, then you should take them. These people tend to avoid talking about the side effects the medication may have on you. On the other hand, many guys here (including me) wrongly think that libido is more important than anything else, and that you should stay away from them as much as possible. I can only recommend that you read on the subject and that you think about it as seriously as you can. My personal opinion is that when a condition is serious enough to make your life very complicated and painful, to the point where you often think of killing yourself, then it could be a good idea to give the medication a try. But man, don’t listen to me, that’s just my opinion. I’m in no position to give advice on such a delicate issue. It’s not easy, but you have to decide for yourself if you want to give it a try.

    One more thing: I think it’s very unlikely that these symptoms were caused by withdrawals. From your other posts, it seems that you have had some of these symptoms for a while, don’t you?

    Good luck, man. Keep us posted. You’re doing good, man, more than most of us.
     
    Shady likes this.
  4. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Bilbo Baggins Everything you said is right and that's exactly what has been going on in my head since he prescribed that med for me.

    And yes they've been going on for a while but I've been addicted to porn for the better(or worst 8f you know what I mean) part of my life. I've been going on and off for a while.


    My thoughts right now :
    I've been reading and researching that med since yesterday and I even slept on it, but I'm still confused. I've been cycling through both point of views for those few hours since I've been with the psychiatrist and I still am.
    Problem is, the med he prescribed hasn't been researched enough.
    I'm wondering if trying it for a few weeks could harm me in any way or have a long term effect.
    People say it doesn't hurt to try something, but I'm not so sure when it comes to this case. Maybe it has long term effects.

    I guess being on meds has side effects and not being on them can hurt because of those thoughts I get. I guess it's a case of the lesser evil here.
     
  5. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Do you have close friends or relatives whom you can discuss this matter with? If so, do they conceive you as psychotic? I think, this could be very helpful for you because if you are really psychotic, your perception could be skewed. And if you take a look at yourself, does the level of suffering you experience legitimise going on medication? Moreover, if you are able to take a glimpse at the near future, do you see yourself taking the meds for a limited period of time or would you have to take them for the rest of your life possibly? If the latter is the case, I would read in a little more into side-effects, both temporary and permanent. The side-effects should never outweigh the benefits. Ask your psychiatrist (and research on your own) if there will be problems if you decided to not taking them anymore. Ask your psychologist (and research on your own) if there are ways to improve your condition and your general life situation in more natural ways.

    Did the psychiatrist tell you if your psychosis is a permanent condition or is it an episode? What do you think? Is what you are experiencing something that has been there forever or did something in your perception and feelings change rather recently?

    It's good that you are sceptical because going on meds could change your life drastically. For the better or worse.

    If you don't feel comfortable with your therapist after a few sessions and don't feel like you are able to make a good connection, don't hesitate to look out for another one. If he or she is not fulfilling your needs, he or she won't be of good use. Everyone is different in that regard.

    I wish you all the best in going forward!
     
  6. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Pete McVries thank you for your reply and your concern.

    TBH, I don't have friends anymore. They all left for some reason but I did ask many of them before they did. All of them said they believe there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe they mean it and maybe they were just being nice.

    The psychiatrist said this is the time for meds. Other ways like talking for example should come later. He also said he believes in my case meds are temporary. I just don't believe him. Maybe he's saying this just to get me to start taking them then I would be all dependent on them.

    He said it's always going to be there but then it's episodic, like sometimes I'm perfectly well and some other times I'm not. I get episodes that last for few days or weeks then I revert back to normal.
    He also said it's all trial and error and I replied that I'm not ready for that.

    Thats the thing. They could have permanent effects. He said I should try for a while and see what happens, but if they have permanent then trying does hurt.

    They're both nice. I was just never a trusting person.

    Thank you, Pete. I wish you the same.

    On a side note :
    Just before I saw your post, I had just been at the pharmacy returning the medicine. I'm grateful I got a professional diagnosis, but now I can find my own ways to deal with this and besides I need to wait to be sure this is not withdrawal.
     
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    As far as I can see, that is virtually never the case. It would go against any work ethic therapists have. I've been to therapy some (in Germany, where you do not pay for therapy out of your own pocket, don't know how it's around parts.), and a whole boatload of friends and family too.

    So, while I don't think that fear is rooted in reality, and don't think you should follow it, I appreciate it makes everything a bit harder.

    Re meds, I used to be against all and any medication, then, years back I got suicidal/depressed, and then decided to take antidepressants. It was still hard, but it helped. Different thing tho, I don't have borderline. Friend of mine does, but his case is severe to the point of crippling. Not a real reference.

    Getting a diagnosis is helpful in one way, as it explains a bit why we might feel how we feel, and opens pathways for support. And as we all have learned on this forum, we are virtually never alone with our issues, there's always another person who has the same particular feature. And then there's a not so helpful side to a diagnosis, as it might feel like a judgement, and one might feel reduced to it.

    I'm very thankful both therapy and meds exist, because if they wouldn't, frankly, I might not be alive anymore. For that reason, I feel therapy and meds are a good idea. That is no universal truth, obviously, and I clearly am biased positively to therapy/meds. I appreciate others refrain from giving advice for or against therapy/meds. There's wisdom in that.

    But I would at least try out a new tool when it becomes available. If you feel the side effects have too much of an impact after a while (most meds have a build up period until they work during which side effects are extra funny) you can always discard it, after talking to your doc.

    Thats my two cents, take care!
     
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  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I fully agree with Pete mcVries’ entry and second that.

    I wanted to add: maybe it can help if you write your fears and doubts about medication in an e-mail and send it to your therapist? You can even write about your fight with pornography. I find it helps me a lot if there are things I find are hard to talk about. An email the day before a meeting and a question to talk about those things on the next visit.

    If you’re like me in this regard, it might help. If it doesn’t suit you though, don’t. This is about your needs.

    All the best!
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2021
    Shady likes this.
  9. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @dark red drifter vessel it really hurts just hearing about what you went through. I feel you man and I understand not all experiences are the same.
    And it's bipolar-disorder BTW.

    @BoughtWithBlood that's a good suggestion but I've already discussed it with him but I just can't trust him or anyone else for that matter.

    To everyone else, thank you all for helping me out with this. Even those who took it back. I really appreciate it.

    So on a different note, I think I have covid. The doctor asked for some blood tests but no verdict yet
     
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Thank you for the empathy. The good thing is, I actually am through with it. Apart from some visits back to that place. (Fuck the flashback episodes, they are tacky, they are filler, and I do not stand for them.)

    Oh sh...
    "In my defense they both start with b!"


    Sorry for the mistake. For what it's worth, I think bipolar is better to have than borderline, but I'm a biased boy bc I might qualify for bipolar as well (although Mania is very rare in me, I'm sure daddy Sheogorath is disappoint) and an ex has borderline and I hate her guts half of the time. :3

    Burn that bridge when you get there.

    Take care!
     
  11. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Is there such a thing as a better illness?
    I don't know what happened between you two, but maybe the actions that made you hate her were the condition's fault not hers.

    Burn the bridge? I'm the one burning up. Lol
     
  12. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Urges are back... With vengeance...
    I really can't take this anymore.
    When I'm awake, I get P flashbacks and I'm dying to see what's new on those websites.
    I'm dying for some MO.
    I see girls on the street and I remember different P movies.

    It's also haunting me while sleeping. I see myself watching P in my dreams but with no MO.
    I feel really happy when I get these dreams. It feels like away to cheat, but I know that if I chose to give on in my dreams, then it still counts as relapse, so I fight these urges even when sleeping.
    But at one point, you get tired of fighting.
    I've been through a lot and I'm not ruining that.
     
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Yo, you're in the middle of the storm now, aren't you? Like a tiny ship in a tumultuous ocean on one of them dramatic oil paintings, eh?

    Keep sailing. You've come far, endured much, like our dude Odysseus. Hold on. Go through it. Nothing clever to say, no ace to put up sleeves, man, it's just hard. But you can take it, there'll be a shore, no matter how many clouds block the view, there'll be a shore, dude.
     
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  14. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Nice simile. I like that. Thanks Man.

    Update:
    I haven't been feeling good lately at all. I had a close call today. I was dangerously close.

    Here's the thing, I've been trying to fill that void with something else for the past 9 months, but nothing is good enough. I tried many things with no luck.
    I've reached the fact that I'm miserable without PMO and even though I might never get back to it, Ive accepted the fact that I'll be miserable for the rest of my life.
    Maybe the real thing might be able to fill the void one day and make me feel as good as PMO once did, but that might never happen or it might take a long time and a lot of conditioning.

    I hope everyone is doing fine. I missed you all.
     
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  15. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Hi Shady,

    I don't think, your fundamental assumption that you will be miserable for the rest of your life without PMO is true. First of all, if you were to go back to regular PMO, wouldn't you even be more miserable in consequence apart from the short fleeting moments of ecstasy? Let me remind you of something you wrote:
    Secondly, and I don't know if I'm telling you stuff that you already know, in my mind you cannot compare PMO to healthy sex. Thus, the void you're feeling now will not be filled once you're dating (or whatever your ideal scenario looks like), it will rather disappear as it will have been replaced by something much more wholesome PMO could never be. For me, PMO always feels unfulfilling leaving you feeling irritated, confused and unsatisfied. Being in a relationship is so much more than fulfilling your sexual needs. And even the sex is so much more holistic than just climaxing with another human being as it has a conclusion. It's the joking, being intimate, sharing personal stuff, spending time together with activities both enjoy... It's like PMO and Sex are two completely different things, like football (or soccer for the those illiterate barbarians ;) ) and american football. Just because a ball is involved doesn't make them a similar thing.
     
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    How are you doing Shady?
     
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  17. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Pete McVries thanks. Well said.

    @BoughtWithBlood just getting by. Thanks for asking.

    Update:
    Ever since I started my journey, my urges were getting dampened over time except for some spikes along the way that I've mentioned here on my journal a lot before.
    I thought that by now, the urges would be gone.
    The truth is, starting about a month or two ago, they started to get stronger and more frequent.
    I'm so confused right now. I don't know what's happening. It should be getting easier now, but it's not.
    If I knew that nine and a half months into my PMO reboot journey, I'd still be struggling I might never have gone through with it in the first place, but it's too late for that now. I'm here now and I'm not ruining this even if it means hating myself and hatung everything and just surviving.
    Everybody is still moving away from me like they see something wrong in me. All friends gone and I'm barely holding it together with my coworkers.
    This is what a miserable life feels like.
    All I have now is my walks, jogging, running, TV and meditation.
    A lonely life.
    How miserable is that...
     
  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Oh man, you’re going through a lot. Sorry to hear that buddy.

    Know that I’m praying for you my man! And I proclaim that you will live a happy and fulfilling life. In the name of Jesus!
     

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