A New Perspective

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey Shady, how have you been doing man ?

    I too can often feel like an outsider in most groups that I've been in. It varies though. Sometimes the feeling can be stronger, sometimes when I feel okay it can go away.

    I think a lot of it is in our head, no matter how real it seems to us. Our perceptions color a lot of the ''reality'' we take in.

    And even if you're a little different and people really do notice it, what does it matter in the end ?

    We have to be ourselves.

    Sometimes we can also see a mean spirited laughter where it's not ill intentioned. When we're relax we mingle much easier with people.

    So yeah I relate to the feelings you described but I think a lot of it is the social anxiety programming in our minds (and many times it can be experiences from childhood, rejections early on).

    Staying clean will not absolutely eradicate a strong social anxiety, even though it will help a lot. So we need to keep going even if we sometimes feel socially anxious even when we are clean for a long time. Not to mention that when we truly stay clean for a long time, so many difficult emotions can come up. And it's about dealing with them. Which isn't easy, but I think that's the way out of this. And then slowly it starts getting better. But the key word is that it's very slow.

    Anyways, I hope you're doing all right.
     
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  2. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I thought about Shady today, he hasn’t been in here for a while. From his last post, I’m not sure we’ll see him again anytime soon. Hope he’s well.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah I hope he's all right and he'll come back. He was clearly going through some challenging emotions at that point.
     
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  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hope you’re alright Shady and that you’re just taking some time off.

    Remember we’re here to support and help you. looking forward to hearing from you again.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  5. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for those amazing, wise and kind words.

    I have been backstage following all your entries in your journals and rooting and praying for all of you.

    I don't log in because I have nothing to add. My previous posts said it all and there has been no change since then.

    Thank you all for being there.

    You can all do it. Rooting for y'all.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2021
  6. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Hello everyone

    Its been a while. I hope you're all doing fine.

    I took the advice you guys gave me and went to see a psychologist. I talked and talked and talked and it turns out I'm bipolar. It's bipolar II
    I feel a mix between shock and relief. The good news is that it's not my fault, everything that's been happening.
    She said I also have to take medication and that talk therapy is not enough. She said I misinterpret all situation and assume everyone wants to harm me or doesn't care.

    She said I should see a psychiatrist to prescribe me medicine for three weeks and after that she can begin to work with me.

    I don't want to take medication. I hear it has many bad side effects.
    Has anyone been on any such medication? Should I be wary?

    As for PMO, the past month was pure agony, it took every ounce of my strength to prevent myself from relapsing but I got through fine.

    Can I kill myself?
     
  7. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Damn. Heavy stuff, man.

    Don’t kill yourself, Shady. Personally, I’m not against suicide, but I believe it’s only legitimate when there is no hope, when you’re in a terrible situation that will never change. And even then... Anyway, I really don’t think your situation is hopeless, not at all.

    Sorry about the diagnosis. At the same, it’s gotta be relieving: now you know you’re not doing anything wrong, you’re just a little different. I know 3 people who are bipolar (I don’t know what type though), and even though it doesn’t look easy to suffer from that, they seem to have a decent life. I’m pretty sure you can lead a good life too, man. You gotta be very careful with addictions, because they might affect you very badly. From what I read, you have a grip on your porn addiction, that’s great. Keep going, and once it’s definitely a thing of the past, and once the withdrawals are over, you’ll be a much happier and healthier person than 99% of the people out there.

    As for medication, it’s a very delicate issue. Be careful with them, but don’t be too close-minded about them either. I don’t know much about medication for bipolar disorder, but someone who is very close to me has taken Risperidone for years and his sexual function was not affected (at least, he didn’t notice it). While it’s true those medications can have an impact on your libido, it doesn’t seem to be the case for everyone. As I said, it’s a delicate subject. Read about it, and think about it seriously. There’s no easy answer, you have to be open-minded and try to see both sides.

    Good luck, man. Keep us posted.
     
  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    No point doing that bro. You deserve to keep going. You really do. Always keep going !
     
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  9. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Bilbo Baggins @Thelongwayhome27 thanks guys. Your words mean a lot to me.
    @Bilbo Baggins it's a relief to know I'm not the only one who has it, you know?
    And I'll read about medications.
    I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Saturday. We'll see.

    My thoughts right now:
    All of this has got me wondering, was the bipolar one of the factors that pushed me towards PMO addiction? Did it increase my chances to get addicted? Would have been addicted if I didn't have it?

    I remember a storyline on last season of grey's anatomy that addressed this. One of the doctors had it. I remember feeling connection there, but I guess I just refused to believe it back then.

    I've been in similar situations.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2021
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @Shady I'll look forward to each of your posts. Keep going brother, self-harm is not the answer.
     
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  11. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Thanks, @Rudolf Geyse.

    So last Thursday I sat with a psychologist and she said that I should start with a psychiatrist to be set up with the right meds then come see her after the meds kick in.

    I booked an appointment with a psychiatrist which was supposed to be today. They just called and asked to reschedule to next Thursday. This got my thoughts racing all around my head.
    Maybe they don't want to work with me.
    I can't wait any longer.
    Maybe that's a sign that I should not go ahead with this and just cancel the appointment.
    Maybe I don't deserve to be cured.
    Maybe they're playing me.
    If I really have bipolar-disorder, then maybe PMO didn't cause my problems. Maybe I should just get back to it and release all that stress and fear.
    This threw me into a new depressive episode.
     
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  12. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Sorry to hear that. But Shady, regardless of what the diagnosis is for your mental health, porn will make everything worse for you. Porn is probably like cocaine: very harmful to almost everyone, especially to guys like us with addiction issues. And with all you’ve read about PIED and porn addiction, believe me, it’s not gonna help you release stress and fear. Most likely, you won’t even be able to enjoy it while you’re doing it, because you’ll know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing.

    And about the canceled appointment... Believe me, these things happen, it’s not that they don’t want to work with you. And it’s not a sign that you shouldn’t see a psychiatrist, or that you don’t deserve to be cured. Forget about that, and be patient until next Thursday, and everything will be just fine.

    Once again, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. It really sucks to feel like that, but it won’t last forever. It will pass, man.
     
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  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Strength, Shady. It's really hard to be in this space. I have had appointments shuffled around all the time. I'm sure it's nothing. Maybe keep next Thurs as a target or goal to get to?
     
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  14. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey Shady,

    I’m sorry to hear about the diagnosis. It’s okay to feel sadness about it. I hope it will also bring you relief though. Now you know what has been going on and you can find a way to deal with it.

    When you write about suicide it makes me really sad. You’re a great guy! It break my heart if you’d harm yourself. You’re a human being and you deserve love. From others and from yourself. So be kind to yourself okay?

    In regards to the appointment, I believe it’s an example of how you misinterpret the situation. Feeling like people don’t want to work with you. Ofcourse they want to work with you! It’s their job to work with you. Besides it being the way they bring food to the table, they’re probably in that job because they care for people and want to help them. You’re just as important as everybody else they help.

    Hang in there man! You’re doing great. You’re an example to all of us. I’m proud of you for reaching out for help, and you can be proud of yourself too! You took a difficult step but I believe it will truly help you get the life you desire.

    I’m praying for you. :D
     
  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I have to second what Bought with Blood mentions here Shady, I also got the same impression reading that.

    People like us, who have a lot of anxiety and a low self esteem or self worth, will very easily jump to conclusions about how others don't like us. Very often this is in our heads. As soon as we're in better moods we interpret reality in a different way. Or even better we don't care if they don't like us !

    It's good to be mindful of our tendency to fully trust our instinct that people dislike us. Kind of look at it with a bit of skepticism.
     
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  16. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys. Youre all so kind. You're also raising very important points there.

    @Bilbo Baggins I'm trying to stay strong and not relapse but I just don't see a point in adding fighting PMO to my struggles.

    @Rudolf Geyse yeah I guess you're right.

    @BoughtWithBlood @Thelongwayhome27 yeah. I don't really know what's right and what's paranoia anymore. But you two are right I guess.

    Here's a question for anyone who's ever been to therapy.
    Is it possible that I'm fine and theyre just telling me that I have bipolar-disorder so I'd keep coming and paying each time? Do therapists do that? That's my main concern right now. Maybe they're using my insecurities against me to convince me I have something that needs treatment so they'd keep the cash flow.
    What do you guys think?
     
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  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't think so. a) Your own experience clearly supports that you have some kind of real clinical imbalance. You have even gone so far as to relate to the video you shared above. Even what you've shared on the group, of your own volition, without any coercing, would support their diagnosis. b) You should be able to ask a professional how they arrived at their conclusions and they should be able to support this to you with the facts. Maybe you could go ahead and ask how you got here at the next appointment, up to you. Then you could weigh up what they say (try to stay objective). c) Try it for a good amount of sessions and judge the results, whether you objectively feel it's helpful to you. d) There is no shortage of paying customers for therapy in the world today, I don't think a professional would need to resort to underhanded means to get clients.

    I've never been to formalised therapy myself so I can't speak authoritatively, you weigh it up for yourself. Also, if I were you - again, I can't speak for you cos I've never been in your position - I'd be relieved on the one hand if it turned out some of my struggles were clinical. This means I could get some real help and not be stuck battling with myself on my own with no outside help.
     
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  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I agree with Rudolf.

    Just be open, try to relax, give it some time. If it helps you, great! If it doesn’t, you can always find another psychologist.
     
    Shady likes this.
  19. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys.

    You raise some good points @Rudolf Geyse

    I saw the psychiatrist today. His talk was more organized.
    He said my symptoms are mild but they're there.
    He said it's psychosis and cyclic mood change.

    I was wondering, could these symptoms be from PMO withdrawal?
    He said I should take a mood stabilizer.

    What if the symptoms were because of withdrawal? I'd be taking meds and struggling with side effects when I don't really need them.

    I couldn't tell him about my PMO addiction. I was so ashamed.

    I'm scared of meds. He said I could try them.
    But I thought, what if there are long term effects
     
  20. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    That’s not an easy question, man. Should you take medication or not? I think that most people will tell you that if you’re dealing with psychosis or borderline disorder, then you should take them. These people tend to avoid talking about the side effects the medication may have on you. On the other hand, many guys here (including me) wrongly think that libido is more important than anything else, and that you should stay away from them as much as possible. I can only recommend that you read on the subject and that you think about it as seriously as you can. My personal opinion is that when a condition is serious enough to make your life very complicated and painful, to the point where you often think of killing yourself, then it could be a good idea to give the medication a try. But man, don’t listen to me, that’s just my opinion. I’m in no position to give advice on such a delicate issue. It’s not easy, but you have to decide for yourself if you want to give it a try.

    One more thing: I think it’s very unlikely that these symptoms were caused by withdrawals. From your other posts, it seems that you have had some of these symptoms for a while, don’t you?

    Good luck, man. Keep us posted. You’re doing good, man, more than most of us.
     
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