A New Perspective

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.

  1. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Bilbo Baggins I know this might be funny for some but it's not for me. It's becoming too frequent.

    And my concern is actually the complete opposite. It's based on what I've read about the flatline that it shrinks it for a while.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    If they look at your cross it’s probably because there’s something there to see or subconsciously notice. Not because of what they can’t see. You usually can’t see someone’s genitals when they’re properly dressed, so it probably has nothing to do with you flatlining or having a flaccid penis. Meaning, they’re probably intrigued by ‘something’.

    Remember you are doing something that over 90% of our nowadays society can’t. Abstaining from porn and masturbation. I believe there’s a certain energy involved that you can not see with your eyes. It’s not for no reason abstinence has been practiced in many religions and believes. The amount of discipline it takes and the sexual energy you’re not wasting is subconsciously noticed by others.

    My advice is to not worry about it. If anything, let it be a boost to your confidence! You’re a boss for reaching 5,5 months!

    In my longer streak I’ve noticed being noticed as well. Not necessarily people looking at my cross, but just this certain energy that people find intriguing. It often involved woman being sexually interested in me or flirting with me. When I was relapsing or binging I often felt invisible. Sometimes people wouldn’t even hear me speak. It’s a weird thing.
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2020
    NewStart19 likes this.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Besides that: I’ve also had my experiences with the flatline. The penis can shrink and there’s little interest in the lady’s. It’s great if you’re not in a hurry because this is the part where recovery happens. Your old pathways are being or have been broken apart and your brain is ready for making new pathways. There are usually far less cravings and flashbacks which is awesome for building a streak.

    Once with a woman you can rewire. Don’t rush it, just relax and enjoy. Focus on cuddling, kissing, building trust and being honest. It will be fine.

    I once thought I was in a huge flatline years ago, my penis was very small. Then my girlfriend of that time started touching me and I had a very strong erection that I hadn’t had in like.. ever. It’s important to stop worrying, relax and enjoy the buzz that this new energy of abstinence gives you.
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey @Shady
    I don’t think it’s funny either. I was not laughing to you, believe me, I would never do that, it’s just a little misunderstanding. Some guys have reported spontaneous erections during their reboot, sometimes while on the street, and it was not clear in your message if they were looking at your crotch because of that, that’s all.
    I hope this will pass soon, friend. Hang in there.
    NewStart19 and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  5. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @NewStart19 @Bilbo Baggins I never said either of you did anything that upset me. I wasn't referring to anything you said. There's no need for apologies.
    I was merely stating the fact that it could sound funny to anyone and most of all, I know I'll find it funny myself if someone said it to me. I'm also someone who likes to make jokes.
    So it's cool.

    @BoughtWithBlood well said.
    I'm waiting.
  6. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Whoa! What a year!
    This year had both good and bad. Ups and downs.
    That's life, I guess.
    My life did go downhill this year, but I was also strong enough to quit these year.
    Reaching rock bottom is difficult, but the thing is when you reach it you can only go up.
    I still get urges, but I can act like they're not there.
    I still get those dreams, but I'm even getting stronger and quitting inside the dreams now.
    Progress might be slow, crawling even, but it's there.
    Patience and strength. That's what we all need.
    The tunnel does have an end even if you don't see the light yet, but it's certainly getting less dark.
    Remember the darkest hour is right before dawn, but the sun's rise is gradual. It doesn't jump right to the middle of the sky.

    Always look at the bright side.
    Always look at the glass half full or even quarter full for the matter.

    Stay strong everyone. Thank you for being here.
    Happy New Year Everyone.
  7. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Six Months today!
    I woke up with a boner today. I guess that's my gift for six months. heh.

    I've realized when urges hit. They usually happen after any situation where I can't act right or when I freeze and then look back and wonder why I haven't reacted. Why I froze. I think about the right thing to say and hope that in the next time I'm in a similar situation I don't freeze. After these thoughts hit me, Urges always follow. I fight them, it passes.
    The next time in a similar situation, I freeze again and the cycle repeats. I'm always wondering when I will finally give in. Will I be able to stay strong every single time? Because I find myself freezing a lot.
    That means that PMO is my emotional support and it has been for most of my life. It feels stupid that I haven't realized this before having watched Gabe Deem and Noah church videos clearly stating this fact.
    Ever since I started my reboot, I've tried to distract myself whenever this happens and it does get the job done, but will it always?
    These other distractions, I guess now I can call them alternate emotional support methods, were never enough. None of them give the same satisfaction as PMO. Maybe one day I'll find something similar.

    That's why I'm trying to fix that freezing problem but it just keeps happening and it makes me feel inferior and I can see the people I'm talking to having that smirk on their faces.

    I've also been having dreams about relapsing and they're becoming more frequent now. I remember how excited I feel in these dreams at the fact that I'm about to see what I have been denying myself all those months. I feel like my heart wants to jump out of its place. But then I decide not to go through with it and then I feel like my heart drops. It's a terrible feeling. It is always a dream, but that doesn't change that fact that I do feel this.
    So why do I still feel attracted to P
    I've asked this question a lot and I guess the answer will just come in time.

    I've just realized I always come here and dump all that negativity in my journal. I guess that might be depressing for everyone here on this forum, but I guess that's life and this is my journal. Anyone is welcome here and I like having people reading about my journey if it helps them and I like having people around here, but if my entries depress any of you, then you don't have to go through this.

    Thank you all for being here.

    Onward and Upward.
  8. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I don't think, you are spreading negativity, Shady. Quite the contrary, it's a realistic point of view you are expressing and it goes to show how much your brain has been sensitized to porn. I don't know if you have or had any other vices but if I look at my own story, nothing has haunted me more in my dreams than porn. From my unprofessional point of view, rewiring will help you in this regard. My porn dreams completely diminshed after I started having regular sex and they haven't returned at all. Think of a field of snow where you've walked down a path over and over again until it has manifested (porn). You cannot get rid of that path but what you can do is to walk cross-country in order to form new paths (sex) which walk over and through the old path. After a while, from a birdseye view, the old porn path won't be that distinct or distinguishable anymore. And whenever you feel like walking down a path, you got many options to choose from. That's how my therapist once explained it to me and I found it to be a very striking example.
    Thelongwayhome27, Shady and warded like this.
  9. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Congratulations, Shady. I admire your resilience and wisdom. You always come out with positive and bright words. I feel you are in for a good recovery. Keep it up, friend. You can be proud of yourself.
  10. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

  11. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    This is so impressive Shady that you reached 6 months. I really hope you keep going because no matter how persuasive the temporary urges can get I'm sure, down where I am right now, that they are NEVER worth it. They will always lead us back to a SHIT place. (This is what I forget very soon).

    It seems like an essential part of recovery, or beating addiction, or beating compulsions - is simply learning how to handle these urges. Nothing too complex, just learning that they fuck us up if we follow them. You seem to have found a practical solution for it and started learning (showing your brain) that you do not die if you don't give in. Slowly, the roads to addiction are getting less travelled and that's how you beat the addiction I guess.

    I really wish I would also be able to handle my urges. I truly am not. But I'm thinking it's my commitment that is lacking. I still don't sufficiently understand how important it is for me to put an end to this thing. I am a victim for having the addiction, maybe some really difficult stuff happened in my childhood to explain it, but I cannot not take responsibility from here on and learn that I keep choosing the wrong path. I keep choosing the addiction over and over.

    Sorry that I started talking about myself.

    What I intended to ask, is - about your 6 months - have you completely avoided masturbation ? And have you had some nocturnal emissions (wet dreams) ? Are you worried at all about not orgasming at all or does it feel very natural by now ? I ask because I always have some kind of fears around the idea of not orgasming at all. I don't know if it's a way for my addiction to keep it's grips on me, or if simply I have bought too much into the notion that it's healthy to orgasm.

    Thanks for any response and again much congratulations and admirations !
  13. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 Yeah that's how bad urges can get. You fight them off, but then there are those days when you feel you just need a break. That's when you need PMO the most, but then imagine how you'll feel the next day when you know you were stronger than those urges. When you didn't give in.

    Are you sure we won't die if we fight those urges? It's not about the urges themselves. It's about dependency on dopamine.
    When life gets hard and the urges get strong and you don't get that emotional release, you're putting a strain on yourself.
    My heart actually hurts now from all those times I didn't get an emotional release in tough situations after being dependent on it for years.
    So of course you need an alternative or as you said, you need to pave a new road.
    But the question is, can the heart take all this strain till the new road is paved?
    Sorry for being blunt, but you have been doing this more than I have been.

    I believe you keep relapsing even though you know how PMO can hurt you because the stakes are still not high enough.
    You need to find another reason for you to stop.
    You don't need to believe PMO is not essential for survival. You need to believe that quitting is essential for survival.

    Talking about yourself here? You are welcome to discuss anything here.
    Afterall we are all here for the same goal.

    I have completely avoided PMO for the past six months.
    And I'm not worried about not orgasming at all during my reboot and I'll keep it that way at least until that new road is paved and till the old one disappears.
    Don't let any delusions derail your progress. Wake up!
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks a lot for your answers Shady.

    Indeed. I think that this is what I don't sufficiently grasp yet.

    Well, it's probably better to die that way then to go back to the life of bondage that is addiction.

    Most probably the heart/body can take fighting those urges and slowly the urges weaken. They will probably always be here. But they will not be as strong after 2 or 3 years then they are in the first year.

    The trick is probably to never return to the addiction once a certain distance is put from it.

    Probably that road back to the addiction, which takes a long time for it to weaken, gets reactivated really quickly for the former addict.
    Shady, Deleted User and Pete McVries like this.
  15. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Thelongwayhome27.

    Update: I have lots to discuss. I don't know where to start.
  16. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    We’re all ears, friend.
  17. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    OK where should I begin. I'm going to talk and hope it all makes sense. Heh. I hope it makes sense to me.

    I've been trying to remember how it all started. This dreadful addiction.
    The earliest memory I have which I guess was about 20 years ago was when I was in school among "friends" (yeah right) when suddenly they moved away and started pointing at me and laughing and smirking. For kids that's every day bullying I guess, but then it's not if it keeps happening up to this day and it's not even clear why it happens.
    That incident is horrible for a 10 year old. I remember that day going home and watching the movies which have always been my escape and then suddenly a sex scene came up and I rember how good I felt that day and how I forgot all about what happened that day.
    It was a discovery for me. Since then whenever I got those laughs, I went and searched the internet for anything that "helps". I remember having to do this with the old dial up internet.
    In time as I grew up, it progressed to PMO and I never tried to find out why I get these laughs. I noticed those laughs from strangers as well. People I pass by on the street.

    As years went by, i went into auto pilot mode. It happened, I ran to PMO and I move on. Then it progressed to a daily habit. I guess by then I didn't wait for the laughs to trigger me. I guess I stopped noticing the laughs at least consciously.

    Now it's been six months and I'm beginning to notice the laughs and smirking again. Sometimes you don't even need to see the laugh or smirk. You can sense it in the way they talk or even in chats.

    Up until this very day, I still don't know why this happens.
    And when I know someone, we become friends then after a while, they begin keeping their distance.
    Same goes for girlfriends.

    I tried asking the closest friends who never laughed at me and I never got that vibe from and they always say there's nothing wrong. Friends should help each other not deny whatever they see. Friends should help friends.

    If I never find the root of this, Ill eventually relapse which is my constant fear. You can only hold on for so long.

    I thought that maybe there's nothing and I'm imagining this, but if I am, then why are they laughing
    That vibe I get from those around me.

    TBH, Im starting to get that vibe here in the forum too. But I still come back.

    If I don't find the cause, should I even try to keep my streak I don't really see the point. I guess that by now my streak is going because I've gone into autopilot.

    Maybe death is the only way out.

    So on a different note, to discuss urges, I was managing it great but then I was not.
    Since I love Sci fi and fantasy, a friend suggested that I should see "Black Mirror", so I took their advice and my God. I was bombarded by many sex scenes. I fast forwarded the first then another happened and I turned it off, but then I did see those 1 second shots before I fast forwarded.
    Suddenly urges were off the charts and they stayed so for a full day.
    I did feel I miss PMO, but then I'm glad I didn't go through with it.

    I was happy with my ignorance when I was addicted to PMO. Why did I ever decide to quit. I'm killing myself.
  18. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    OMG! Every single time.
    I talk and blurt everything out.
    Looking back at what I just posted.
    My God! Do I always whine like that?
    I keep talking and talking and get those weird thoughts.
    Why did I even join this forum
    You guys have helped me a lot and I like to help. I really like to help, but I can't help anyone in that state.

    Good luck everyone. I hope everyone can find what they're looking for.
    Deleted User likes this.
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey Shady, it seems a lot is on your mind and while you’ve been able to take away the self medicating, you haven’t really taken hold of the underlying issue.

    You’ve made tremendous progress! You’re an example to many of us and it’s your succes that has been driving me to strive for that too. You quitting porn might sometimes seem like it was a bad decision because you miss the escapism, but you probably didn’t make a difference in peoples lives when you were still using... now you do! You’ve made a difference in my life and I thank you for that! This is not something I’m just saying, I mean it. Your journaling, replying on my journal, your likes. The effort you put in to stay pornfree, they have inspired and helped me!

    Never have I had the feeling you were someone I should make fun off or laugh at, on the contrary, I respect you. I have no answers as to why people smile or laugh at you, but it seems that the bullying when you were young as left it’s mark. You are no longer your past. You live now. Sometimes we need to forgive and let go, so that we can be free and live accordingly.

    I won’t pretend to know exactly what’s going on, but sometimes people just smile. It isn’t always negative per se. maybe sometimes it is.. but why care? There will always be haters, there will always be people that mock us or try to intimidate us, but I have a feeling you feel like people are more negative about yourself than they really are. Besides that, haters are mostly people who hate their own lives so they push others down to feel better about themselves. Surround yourself with people who want to see you grow and succeed.

    You have a lot of potential. You’re an incredibly strong individual. Don’t let depression take ahold of you man. Find some professional help if you can. I’ll be praying for you!

    Take care man
  20. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey Shady,

    Like @BoughtWithBlood I have a high opinion of you. You are doing extremely well in terms of staying away from porn, and you are always there for others when they are having a hard time.

    I think that @BoughtWithBlood was pretty spot-on with his post, so I won’t add much to it. Sometimes, we can’t trust ourselves, I mean, our thoughts and feelings are not always reliable. This applies to everybody, but even more to most of us on the forum. We are all a bit fucked up. Look at me, for instance. I am a depressed dude, beyond what’s reasonable. Others are very impulsive, or obsessed with details, or whatever. We’re all in the same boat, friend. You have your own challenges, just like all of us.

    I just want you to know that you are an appreciated member of this forum. Clearly, I am not the only one thinking that, there’s always a lot of feedback from others in your journal. Don’t forget that.

    I hope you will get better quickly. Remember that you have some friends here on the forum, and that you can talk about anything with us here. We’re all fucked up, wounded, or whatever you want to call it. But we’re trying to improve, and so do you. That’s what this forum is all about.

Share This Page