You are doing good, Shady. Rebooting is also the occasion to change ourselves. But I would try to avoid having all-or-nothing views on people and on life. I know we are all different, and it’s good thing that we have different opinions in life. But I think for us guys with an addictive, anxious or depressive personality, it’s wiser to not always trust what we feel or perceive about life. I think we will see things more clearly as we gradually reach some sort of balance in our lives. In the meantime, we have to be patient. That’s how I see this for myself, anyway. Good luck, take care.
We both know these people pretending to be happy together aren't really happy at all. I applaud you for wanting a real compatibility with a partner. Its about being real. God knows thats hard. We all mess up on that. The only human who kept it real from start to finish was Jesus from Nazareth. You need to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit to succeed on that path.
Urges have been so strong lately. I'd kill for some orgasm now. This is killing me. When I used to be addicted to P, I liked the hardcore bondage P. It was the only thing that made me feel good. Now maybe I've learned to control myself when urges hit, but I hate that I still these hardcore thoughts no matter how hard I try not to. I get these thoughts while dreaming or even during the day. Maybe I'm not addicted to P anymore, but I still like those terrible things and I always get that pull when I see them in any movie or TV series I'm watching. How can I stop liking that stuff? How can I be a decent person who doesn't get these books ndahe thoughts about women I see all around? I really hate myself and I thought reboot could help me lose those bad thoughts,but clearly it hasn't.
I wasn't into the same stuff as you, but I also used to watch fetish related stuff almost solely. When I started having regular sex ~120 days into my reboot, these pornified fantasies and thoughts started dissipating and were replaced by fantasies and thoughts that resembled my actual sex life. Your brain can only work with the stuff it is being fed or has been exposed to. The memories of the porn you watched are far stronger than any image of the way you think your healthy sex life should look like. In my experience, it is absolutely crucial for a holistic and lasting recovery to start having regular sex after the initial rebooting phase so that the fetish fantasies and thoughts can be replaced by images of actual sex you've had. Moreover, please don't talk down on yourself, that you watch "terrible" things. For many, it's a chicken and the egg question, but perhaps only you ended up liking that stuff because it gives you the biggest hit? I wouldn't start drawing any line to your character or nature of a man. Take care, and don't give up the ship yet
Couldn’t agree more! Talking down on yourself doesn’t help you at all. You’re a man who strives for greatness by saying no to those thoughts and that type of porn. Hang in there, you’re doing great!
Shady your participation on this forum, honest upfront sincere and heartfelt, shows who you are. If you have fetishes that you disagree with what matters is that you're doing something about it. The fact that they are there is not your fault. If you keep on this path you will probably gain further clarity about them ... and about yourself.
@Pete McVries @BoughtWithBlood @Thelongwayhome27 thanks guys. This means a lot to me. You being here is why I keep going. Update: yesterday I had a dream that I was watching that same kind of P. It felt good, but I still felt guilty. I didn't know it was a dream so I was holding myself back and it felt kinda like edging. It was all bitter sweet TBH. Then I woke up. There was relief that I didn't relapse for real but I still felt some longing to MO and I felt bad that tthat kind of P made me feel good even if it was just a dream.
120 days... Four months... Meh. I know some of you would kill me for that precious sentence, but I thought that by now I'd be over my dopamine addiction. That I'd be over MO addiction, but I'm not. I'm still turning and tossing in bed every night. Urges are very strong and they usually hit me in those depressive days. Staying strong but not happy for having no O for a very long time. Still, I've never thought I'd get anywhere close to here so I'm feeling more confident about my willpower and myself. Onward and upward. We're all in this together.
@Thelongwayhome27 Thanks! Hope you keep going too. Update I feel liberated now. I feel free. Hope y'all get there.
@Bilbo Baggins @BoughtWithBlood thanks. Hope you get there too. Update: some more good news. I'm not into this bad P I used to see anymore. I'm attracted to real life women I see on the street now. Guys, there's hope. It can be fixed. Keep going, everyone. You can do this. We're all in this together. Onward and upward.
136 days I've reached that point where I'm wondering whether my problems where really caused by PMO or some other reason. I'm feeling really good at this point about myself and my progress and I knew this wasn't going to be easy, fixing my life and it's getting more difficult every day, but I'll get there. I know for sure. But I'm still figuring out my life. I'm still figuring out what the next step will be. I've always calculated every step on my way, but now my head feels clearer somehow. I know it'll all be clear someday, so let's wait for it. I'm beginning to think withdrawal symptoms are here to stay. It's new territory for me. I don't know how long PMO withdrawal is supposed to last or if it's there for life. I guess I have to figure that out by myself. Keep going, everyone. You can do this. We're all in this together. Onward and upward.
Nice to hear from you, Shady. You have made a huge step with this, congratulations. It’s good to find positive things on this forum. From what I read, withdrawals can last up to 2 years. Some drugs can cause permanent damage to the brain, but I don’t think porn can do that. So I would not worry about it. The emotional damage that porn and withdrawal caused to you should fade away gradually. Congratulations again, Shady. Take care.
@Bilbo Baggins thanks man I don't care if it takes 2 years as long as it ends eventually. Update: my social anxiety is fading gradually but it's still there. I still get those moments around people where I just freeze. Had some urge spikes the past few days where I get close to giving in to MO on fantasy then I push those thoughts away.
You’re doing so well Shady! Proud of you man! We started on this forum around the same time. Seeing what you’ve achieved inspires me to do better. Thanks for that and hang in there!
Thanks, @BoughtWithBlood. You can do this. What stopping you? Update: being away from that dopamine rush all that time has made me so angry all the time. What else can give me a dopamine rush? On a different note, I'm trying to cut back on caffeine.