A New Perspective

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Shady, May 18, 2020.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    No matter they're length my streaks that felt the healthiest where the ones where I was more detached from counting. The ones where I got far but I was quite obsessed on the number I was on and also putting a lot of pressure on myself about not relapsing felt less healthy and ended in what I call "explosive relapses" (kind of like an elastic you pull really hard on one side and then you let it go). I'm not saying this is how it goes for everyone, but I think for me it's a valid point.

    Right now I'm considering allowing myself MO but to get on a streak of no P - but to not focus a lot on the day I'm on. But not to the extent that I'll use that as justification for going for a P session.

    If someone can stay stable without MO, then more power to him !

    This being said, you're doing great man keep going ! I'm happy you're finding a way that works for you. I hope you're growing as a person right now.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2020
  2. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @Bilbo Baggins thanks.
    Totally agree with everything you said.

    @positivef thanks.
    sorry to hear you're struggling

    @Thelongwayhome27 the thing with P-free MO is that it differs from one person to another.
    For me P-free MO is a recipe for disaster. It just means I'll end up relapsing few days after P-free MO. For me it's inescapable.
    That said, maybe you can keep it P-free and not eventually relapse. That's why all of this is a self discovery journey. Only you know what works for you. And you know what works for you by trying. So keep trying till you find what works.
    So give it a try and let us know how it goes.
     
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  3. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    So I've been tasked with leading a team.
    When I was asked to do this, I felt scared. How can an insecure paranoid socially anxious person who has borderline personality disorder?
    I never voiced my fears, but I asked "are you sure?" and the person who asked me to do this said "you can do this. You can never learn unless you try."
    I accepted. I tried for a while. The team was enthusiastic at the beginning, but now I feel like they're losing their faith in me.
    When I sensed this, I fell into another depression cycle.
    I thought about PMO. That I'm dying for some PMO right about now. Just do it and forget all about this.
    But this won't make me a better leader. I'm trying not to overthinkn this or let it overwhelm me. This all hurts.
     
  4. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @Shady

    Wish I could help you shoulder some of this burden, but unfortunately I can't. What I can do is wish you the best and hope for your success. It may not mean much, but hang in there.

    Take care
     
    Shady likes this.
  5. moose

    moose Member

    @Shady

    I've been a team lead many times. I've had this feeling as well. When you have this feeling you have to sort jump out of the anxious side of your brain and ask yourself,

    Why do I feel this way?
    Is there any real reason I feel this way?

    If yes, then you need to do some soft investigation. Ask of few team mates how things are going?

    Feel free to PM me if you wanna discuss.
     
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  6. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Porn urges lurk where we are at a low or feel overwhelmed. I guess that is being an addict, the urge is like a reflex. It is good you resisted.

    Also, I think @moose 's advice is good.
     
    Shady likes this.
  7. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @NewStart19 thanks. This means a lot.

    @moose that's a good way to do this.

    @positivef you're right.

    Update:
    Called the team members and heard them. I've dealt with all issues. Till next time.
    Since I did this, I've felt so much better.
    Here's the thing. I hate that my mood is easily swayed by a single incident.
     
  8. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    I'm not really here as much as I used to be.
    I prefer not to come here when I'm feeling down. I prefer not to give negative energy wherever I go.

    For years, I've been blind. I couldn't see all my problems because I was blinded by PMO. They turned out to be so many and I'm buried deep in them.

    My life lately has been all about managing these problems and I'm not really doing a very good job at that.

    I do see progress somehow though. These problems used to affect my mood. I've taught myself to keep finding solutions but still not letting them affect my mood and my life till I do. Life is all about learning and constant progress.

    Everyone is ghosting me lately. I don't know why, but I also stopped caring. If anyone wants to talk to me they're more than welcome and if anyone has a problem with me, they should come forward or it'll never be fixed because I stopped the habit of trying to rack my brain trying to please everyone but I still don't consciously hurt anyone.

    I'm beginning to get really pulled towards real life women. It's uncontrollable and I don't know how long I can wait. Problem is, I know them very we'll and I know for sure we'll never be happy if we are together because we're so different.
    Everyone in my life and at work is looking weird to me for being alone. This is stupid, but that's culture where I live. Anyone who stays single for long is faulty somehow.
    I guess I used to blame it on PMO addiction, but now it has nothing to do with that. I think I'm asking for a perfect compatability with a partner and a perfect marital life. Maybe that's what's sholding me back.

    Wish me luck everyone.
    And I wish you the same.

    We're all in this together.
     
  9. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Active Member

    You are doing good, Shady. Rebooting is also the occasion to change ourselves. But I would try to avoid having all-or-nothing views on people and on life. I know we are all different, and it’s good thing that we have different opinions in life. But I think for us guys with an addictive, anxious or depressive personality, it’s wiser to not always trust what we feel or perceive about life. I think we will see things more clearly as we gradually reach some sort of balance in our lives. In the meantime, we have to be patient. That’s how I see this for myself, anyway.
    Good luck, take care.
     
    Shady likes this.
  10. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Patient yeah that's right.

    All or nothing. That's me or maybe borderline me.

    And thanks
     
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  11. Joost

    Joost Member

    We both know these people pretending to be happy together aren't really happy at all. I applaud you for wanting a real compatibility with a partner. Its about being real. God knows thats hard. We all mess up on that. The only human who kept it real from start to finish was Jesus from Nazareth. You need to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit to succeed on that path.
     
    Shady likes this.
  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Shady keep going mate. You doing good.
     
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  13. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    Urges have been so strong lately. I'd kill for some orgasm now. This is killing me.

    When I used to be addicted to P, I liked the hardcore bondage P. It was the only thing that made me feel good. Now maybe I've learned to control myself when urges hit, but I hate that I still these hardcore thoughts no matter how hard I try not to. I get these thoughts while dreaming or even during the day.
    Maybe I'm not addicted to P anymore, but I still like those terrible things and I always get that pull when I see them in any movie or TV series I'm watching.
    How can I stop liking that stuff? How can I be a decent person who doesn't get these books ndahe thoughts about women I see all around?
    I really hate myself and I thought reboot could help me lose those bad thoughts,but clearly it hasn't.
     
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  14. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I wasn't into the same stuff as you, but I also used to watch fetish related stuff almost solely. When I started having regular sex ~120 days into my reboot, these pornified fantasies and thoughts started dissipating and were replaced by fantasies and thoughts that resembled my actual sex life. Your brain can only work with the stuff it is being fed or has been exposed to. The memories of the porn you watched are far stronger than any image of the way you think your healthy sex life should look like. In my experience, it is absolutely crucial for a holistic and lasting recovery to start having regular sex after the initial rebooting phase so that the fetish fantasies and thoughts can be replaced by images of actual sex you've had.

    Moreover, please don't talk down on yourself, that you watch "terrible" things. For many, it's a chicken and the egg question, but perhaps only you ended up liking that stuff because it gives you the biggest hit? I wouldn't start drawing any line to your character or nature of a man.

    Take care, and don't give up the ship yet ;)
     
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Couldn’t agree more! Talking down on yourself doesn’t help you at all. You’re a man who strives for greatness by saying no to those thoughts and that type of porn. Hang in there, you’re doing great!
     
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  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Shady your participation on this forum, honest upfront sincere and heartfelt, shows who you are.

    If you have fetishes that you disagree with what matters is that you're doing something about it. The fact that they are there is not your fault. If you keep on this path you will probably gain further clarity about them ... and about yourself.
     
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  17. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @Pete McVries @BoughtWithBlood @Thelongwayhome27 thanks guys. This means a lot to me. You being here is why I keep going.

    Update: yesterday I had a dream that I was watching that same kind of P. It felt good, but I still felt guilty. I didn't know it was a dream so I was holding myself back and it felt kinda like edging. It was all bitter sweet TBH.
    Then I woke up. There was relief that I didn't relapse for real but I still felt some longing to MO and I felt bad that tthat kind of P made me feel good even if it was just a dream.
     
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  18. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    120 days... Four months... Meh.
    I know some of you would kill me for that precious sentence, but I thought that by now I'd be over my dopamine addiction. That I'd be over MO addiction, but I'm not.
    I'm still turning and tossing in bed every night.
    Urges are very strong and they usually hit me in those depressive days. Staying strong but not happy for having no O for a very long time.
    Still, I've never thought I'd get anywhere close to here so I'm feeling more confident about my willpower and myself.
    Onward and upward.
    We're all in this together.
     
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    That's impressive man. Congrats. I hope you keep going.
     
  20. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 Thanks! Hope you keep going too.

    Update
    I feel liberated now. I feel free. Hope y'all get there.
     

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