A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 1 but refusing to quit!)

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rob4Hope, Mar 28, 2012.

  1. Existential

    Existential New Member

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 2 and moving toward Day 3)

    Its awesome that you found some hope with your wife. This is giving you some welcome motivation as I was able to tell from your post. Remember that no matter how dim the light is that you are trying to follow you can always find your way through the darkest of places. Keep strong.
  2. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 1 but refusing to quit)

    This is not going to be easy by any means. There are other forms of PORN. I had a slip with a phone-sex line. For me, it is the same--hits the same mental registers, same dopamine blast, and same after binge slump. As I gain hope, my addiction shifts around. After I had my "slip", I was able to have contact with my wife and through honest communication, was able to find a connection. It is really weird, but as I share my pain with this addiction with my wife, and as I am transparent with her, she is actually grateful. The idea of her not knowing where things are, especially in the marriage because this addiction is like acid on our connections--the more she is kept in the know and can see my struggle, the more grateful and helpful she is willing to be.

    I am really married to an interesting woman. She has told me over and over that she wants me back...but it has to be ME,...not a facade fantasy of a man who is so messed up with porn addiction that she is unable to know if she is what I am looking at, or if I see the latest porn model. She really just can't stand feeling dehumanized into a sex doll any more. She want to be loved as a woman, a person, a human, and also as a lover,...but all of those other things are just as essential to her as the lover part.

    Anyway, I am back on day 1. I'm not done yet,....I am going to NOT quit this site,...and I am not going to quit picking myself up and trying over and over. Too much to lose. If I refuse to stay down, then I am able to stave off defeat. If I can stave off defeat, then my chance of victory increases. So, I am getting back up.
  3. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 1 again but refusing to quit)

  4. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Rob, sorry to hear about your stumble.

    Personally, I'm not into the "relapse" attitude. If something happens and I stumble, I will not leave this path. It's the right path and even if I hit my toe on a root, I will stay on this path until it smooths out and I don't stumble anymore.

    I like your attitude of getting back up, and not quitting. You can do this man, just hang in there!!
  5. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Rob, you may have technically relapsed but you are NOT back at Day One in the sense of not having made progress.

    I've followed your journal. Although you've encountered great difficulty, you have persevered. Moreover, you are already starting to experience the extended benefits of recovery in your relationships.

    Do not let your slip discourage you. It's just another reminder of how powerful this poison is. While theoretically it might delay total recovery by a few days, it does not negate the progress you've made, either in rebooting your brain or in rebooting your relationships.

    In the words of the British WWII poster, "Keep Calm and Carry On."
  6. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Good stuff Rob - "8 times knocked down, 9 times get up" - with this spirit you're sure to succeed.
  7. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Day 2. Horrible relapse. I'm back up and working forward. There is nowhere else to go but up. I am usually a prolific writer, but the motivation is just not there. Feeling depression that is pretty profound,...not because of withdrawal, but more because I violate my own standards of decency when I act on my addiction.

    I once looked to see if there was a pill out there to turn OFF libido. Why?--because the relationship with wife wasn't working, and the only sex I felt I could get was PMO. If I could just turn it off....well, that--at least in my case and at the time--would solve some problems for me.

    I was BLOWN AWAY by the volume of blogs and other posts I saw out there from thousands of men looking for the same thing,...and for exactly the same reasons!

    Having a reboot certainly is a great move, but I also want to find ways to be happy without sex. It will take some time for my relationship to heal with my wife,...and there is no easy way I have found outside of SSRI drugs to curb the appetite, regardless of ED of DE,..or whatever other problems may manifest.

    Anyone out there know what I mean and have some suggestions?
  8. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    I think I know what you mean, but unfortunately I have no good suggestions.

    Maybe an SSRI isn't a bad idea--it might also help with your anxiety/depression.

    Hang in there, brother.
  9. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Without sounding like a dickhole Rob, but how hard are you honestly trying there man? Relapsing after 1 day? Come on son..

    In any case, have you considered staying far, far away from your PC seeing as simply being online is a possible trigger? Do you have any other hobbies to occupy your mind like sport, fishing, hunting etc that can occupy your mind?

    The fact that this reboot is agony is meant to serve a purpose to all addicts - its meant to show us how hard we have to fight in order to free ourselves from these stimuli, be it porn, booze, gambling etc. Only once you have been through the honest hell of recovery will you begin to appreciate what you have done, and that will then serve as a strong omen to never want to relapse or go back to your habit ever again.

    Keep us updated man.
  10. darkknight3313

    darkknight3313 New Member

    Make the decision..then go for it. Until you've fully committed in your mind you won't do it...until you crave the long-term benefits...you won't be able to follow through with it....give it a try man. You can do it.

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