A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 1 but refusing to quit!)

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rob4Hope, Mar 28, 2012.

  1. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Hello All,

    I'm at a crossroads: separated from wife because of POM use, and having several false starts to activate and hold onto the "reboot process". I have hesitated to start a journal or participate in a site like this, but the bottom line for me is I must--for my own sanity and hope. Been married 23 years, and through several unfortunate experiences, discovered porn about two years into marriage. I didn't actually discover it--just decided to take up a magazine and see what was in there. Since that time, it has been a steady and ever quickening downhill ride to destruction. I've crossed most boundaries I never thought I would in life, have broken the heart of my wife, and now suffer from ED, DE, and a profound fear that my wife will never welcome me back to the bedroom, even if I can curb the problems.

    I have several reasons why I want to gain freedom from this problem. But I can say at this point, the biggest is I want to know if I can live happily without having to constantly have some type of sexual release. When I go for any length of time without, I feel anxiety grow inside, depression starts to set in, and I become a very irritable asshole to just about everyone. I don't like myself much when I am like that. I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me; hell man, I can't stand to be around myself. Anyway, tomorrow is day one for me. I need to have a place where I can write, and this is just about as good as any other.

    All of you out there, please send me HONEST messages about this trip being worth it. I need to know, or at least believe, that this pathway will be worth it. I admit I am frightened about this,...but also more frightened that I am broken inside and can't recover. I'm terrified about loosing my marriage over an addiction like this. I have a lot to loose. So, I am going to venture.
  2. Joss is Boss

    Joss is Boss New Member

    Re: Hoping to start a new pathway and find some hope for a bright future.

    Welcome Rob. Firstly, I can say it is worth it. I’m just over three weeks free of it and whilst the struggle so far has been hard I feel so much better about myself already – saying no to pmo is one of the best decisions I have ever made. Secondly, starting a journal is a great idea. I found this site when I was really struggling after a couple of weeks and it has helped me tremendously.

    You don’t mention if you’ve seen the yourbrainonporn.com site. If not taking the time to read the information there is the best thing I can advise you to do – I’ve tried numerous times before, but without the knowledge on that site have always been defeated.

    Otherwise, along with keeping your own, read a few of the journals here – I find them immensely helpful - you’ll realise you’re not alone in this and that you can beat it!
  3. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Re: Hoping to start a new pathway and find some hope for a bright future.

    First, Joss is correct that you must go spend some time over on the "your brain on porn" website if you haven't already.

    Secondly, realize that the improvements to your life when you give up PMO aren't only sexual, but pertain to your mood and general feelings of well-being as well.

    It's not much fun doing this, but neither is it that hard. You've probably accomplished things in your life that are way more challenging.
  4. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Re: Hoping to start a new pathway and find some hope for a bright future.

    YES! DO IT! For yourself and your lady, you BOTH deserve it!

    Just think. Someday you will be free of porn's grasp and happy with your wife. What could be better???

    Good Luck and Stay Strong!! ;D
  5. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Re: Hoping to start a new pathway and find some hope for a bright future (Day 1)

    Day 1. I am SO grateful for the encouragement that has been given!!! WOW. There is someone out there who gives a damn! I really really appreciate that.

    It has been suggested that I chase down the yourbrainonporn.com site and read up. That site is really incredible. About 3 months ago, I was scared shitless when in bed with my wife (on one of the rare occasions when she wanted me to be), and not only were my erections close to worthless,...but I couldn't climax. I would have to withdraw, use my own hand (hers wouldn't even work), and fill my brain with images and videos of the latest "exciting" porn I had seen,...just to orgasm. I thought that my body had been paralyzed. VERY frightening. At this particular time I wondered if there was a connection between excessive porn use and some of the problems I was having. Searching for answers led me right off to the web-site you suggest. When I saw that, read like crazy (two 8 hour days worth) and discovered the success stories people were having with the re-boot....well, it gave me hope. Boy, that is what I need now really bad.

    My addictions have crossed lines. I've had sex with people other than my wife. I'm right on the edge of wanting to do that again. AT the moment I am struggling with wanting to act out in massage parlors. I haven't gone through with it,...but am right on the edge. My wife knows I am a user, and it offends her because she feels like I am bringing someone else to bed with us--which I am in my mind. It hurts her. She wants me to value and love her--and ONLY her, especially when in bed together. This type of shit has plagued my marriage for 23 years. Both of us are devastated in our own ways.

    But, I The bottom line for me....I just want my wife back. Plain and simple. I don't want porn, I don't want masturbation, I don't want hookers (which I've had),....I just want my wife. For the sake of my marriage, and for her ability to trust me,...I have to do this reboot.

    I don't know about many of the other people online here (and I will be reading more to get to know people better), but for me,...I just want a happy marriage. In my case, I can not have that when porn and masturbation is involved. I continue to ask for support in my quest. I have a LOT to loose if I am unsuccessful with this effort.

    Regards to all.

  6. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Re: Hoping to start a new pathway and find some hope for a bright future (Day 1)

    Hey Rob4hope, welcome to the forum. Your story's a bit like mine - I've been married for around the same length of time and porn has slowly eroded my sexual relationship with my wife. Her libdo has always been quite low and this has exacerbated my descent into PMO slavery; the difference is my porn use has been a secret.

    I'm now 4 weeks with no PMO and feeling really good - I have ups and downs, but the knowledge that I'm no longer stuffing my head with mental poison makes me feel grounded, in control and balanced. I'm mentally fitter, less depressed, more friendly and open, more loving towards my wife, physically stronger (it's true!) and just feeling way better than I have done for many, many years.

    I think one of the key themes for me has been to realise that we're not giving up anything good or valuable here. PMO destoys you and your relationships and the terrible truth is it's all an illusion: the only reason we kept jacking off to porn was because we kept jacking off to porn - it's the loop of addiction and the YBOP site really makes that crystal clear. All we've got to do is stop for long enough and the PMO neural pathways will fall into disuse and eventually close up altogether. It's worth revisiting YBOP - especially when you feel you might lapse.

    Stay strong and know that everyone here is rooting for you. Good luck!
  7. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 2)

    Day 2.

    A lot of my problems are masked by PMO, but not necessarily caused by it. I am in a failed marriage. Wife doesn't want me. I feel unloved,...except for the "platonic" type. One of the things that Porn offers (even as a lie, but at least it is still offered) is the fantasy that someone wants me. The women I look at--they give the illusion of liking sex, and they show themselves as being available and hungry. In my marriage, I don't know what that is like. I don't know what it is like to be wanted WHEN I NEED IT and not when it is convienent. So, in desparation, I did something stupid--I turned ot PMO.

    Part of the lie appears to be that regardless of how much I use, it never satisfied that inner longing I have. Now that I am pulling away from the PMO and not using (second attempt at re-boot, but there was some progress made on the first attempt), I am finding that the hole inside is still there and as big as ever.

    Might end up going the divorce pathway anyway. How can a guy like me with a normal and natural desire live in a marriage where sex is just "not that important". Fuck the whole thing!

    Fellow PMO addicts, it is interesting to "feel life" without the drug covering things. It hurts. I have poblems with ED, DE, but not with confidence or concern around women. At the moment--in my mind--they are all bitches! and very good at bait-and-switch games.

    I'm venting. It would sure be meaningful if any of you can relate to this. I sure need some encouragement today.
  8. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 2)

    Yep, its me again. Another post. (I wrote this on another site. Thought I would share it here. It isn't as germain as it should be, but it is totally honest and shed light on what is happening inside of me.)

    Today, this morning, I felt the same old feeling I have grown so accustomed to: a deap and unmet longing inside to be wanted.

    I had a waking dream, the kind that happens right as you open your eyes in the morning but arn’t quite awake yet. I have been reading Victor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning”. It is about his survival in a Nazi concentration camp, and is for me a VERY encouraging book. But in my mind, just before waking up, I saw myself as one of the emaciated prisoners. My wife came and served me a meal,..a nice and delicious meal. I ate,.. It was wonderful. The next day I was hungry again and needed to be fed. My wife told me,…”It’s too soon”. There was no meal and I went away hungry and empty.

    In this dream, I was missing over 100lbs on my bones. I was a walking skeleton. As I protested that I really needed to be fed, my wife’s response was….”The food I gave you yesterday should be enough for any normal person.”

    I awoke and felt a hole inside of my chest and stomach. It feels like something inside of me has died. It is always there. I drug it, I distract it, I ignore it, I wish it away, I am trying to pray it away,…but it is always there. As I felt it again, I wished with all of my heart that I could please,…just stay in bed today,….wrap the coverers around me tightly and somehow, any way possible,…please, just drift into dreamless sleep. Just let the world close off and cease to exist.
  9. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 2)


    48yo here and in a marriage hurt by PMO, too. Although I haven't gone as far as you in destructive behavior, I have been at risk of doing so.

    I hear your pain in your posts. Try not to dispair. This is the darkest time--things WILL get better. (If you can't see a way out, you should seek medical help--antidepressants/therapy can give you the critical perspective if all else fails.)

    Give the reboot a chance--it won't solve all your problems, but it will probably solve some of them (sexual dysfunction), AND, I am convinced, it will remove a huge millstone from around your neck -- as I think it will mine -- that has imperceptibly affected all aspects of our lives, including our outlook.

    Hang in there.
  10. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 2)

    It really sounds like you're in a very difficult place - you speak very eloquently of your internal pain and the void that can't be filled. I think that could be the key - that whilst you might never be able to fill it, you might be able to get to understand what it actually is. When you get to know what it is, it'll lose its power. I posted a Buddhist story about working with inner demons on my journal page a couple of days ago that might be of help.

    The inner work will probably take a lot of patience, strength and self-reflection. I would recommend therapy as a good method and something that could support you with your reboot/recovery. I'm in therapy at the moment and find it a real support. I think that posting on this forum is also really important to keep on track. You've done well so far - stick with it.
  11. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 3)

    Thanks for the kind words. Today is day 3. Don't feel many pulls. Flatline,...but I did make some progress the last time. Occasionally I do wake up morning wood. It is a wonderful feeling!

    I will write more later on as my day develops.
  12. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 3)

    Damn man Rob, i read your opening post there, and i really hope you pull through there man. Its tough, and it'll take every last ounce of strength to get there, but take it one step at a time.

    Stay strong man! :)
  13. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 3 back to Day 0)

    Mess up today. Feel like shit. Wondering what my future looks like. I have to remember to be gentle with myself. Bad bad day.
  14. Existential

    Existential New Member

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 3 back to Day 0)

    Read through the whole thread. I really feel for you Rob. I can't give you any advice on what to do with your relationship with your wife since I have little experience with women, but I will give you some encouragement to keep going and to quit PMO for good. I think you have read all the benefits, so that has to motivate you some what to keep going with this. I really hope you can patch things up with your wife and keep the marriage going.
  15. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 3 back to Day 0)

    Back to day 1. In trouble with work, religious faith, wife, and feels like the whole world. I have found it helpful to climb into bed, wrap the covers around myself and allow the world to slowly fade into nothingness.

    Anyone ever feel like me? Do you just wish that sometimes you could shut the world out for a long time,...just melt away and drift into dreamless sleep? When I think about this, it seems like such a wonderful place. A chance to disengage and find some quiet inside,...where the world just shuts down.

    I guess you could say I'm a bit depressed? Duh! I hear myself respond,..."Fuck dude,...you think?"

    I don't want to dwell on this because this site is suppose to be upbeat and supportive. But, I want to ask a question: Does anyone out there wish they could somehow just turn their feelings off somehow,..and just become automatic through the day,...and impervious to internal and externally triggered feelings?

    Don't anyone tell me to go see a fucking shrink! I've been to them and they fucked me up more than any other group I have ever seen. Just for your information,...I'm NOT suicidal. Just tired and battle weary. I have grown accustomed and familiar with the empty feelings I have inside. I hope no one ever goes where I'm at right now. It is a dark place.
  16. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 3 back to Day 0)

    I have been there. Antidepressants helped me, but we each have to take our own path.

    I feel for you. I don't know what to say other than when one is depressed, life is NEVER as bad as it FEELS. If you can, please remember, even in the darkest moment, that these are emotions, not reality.

    It WILL get better. The fact that you are aware of what's happening can be a GOOD sign.

    Every hero's journey goes through hell. Just keep on going. It's all you can do. It's what you must do. And, in the end, perseverance it is what will bring you OUT of hell.

    I'm sorry I can't say anything more helpful other than I feel bad for you, I've been in a similar place myself, and I know it can and will get better.

    Courage, brother.
  17. TheUnhappyFapper

    TheUnhappyFapper Active Member

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 1 again, but down)

    ^what spinergy said.

    Keep going, and take one day at a time. In all honesty, it seems like you are at rock bottom now Rob; the only place left to go is up, but don't expect 20 years worth of addiction to be undone over night - its going to require real grit and a lot of blood, sweat and a whole lot of tears.

    The depression is part and parcel of trying to break free of the bonds of this crap - it will dig its claws into you and try make you come running back because it is trying to exploit your weaknesses. You must fight it with all your heart man.

    We're always here to give you support man - just stay strong and take it one day at a time.
  18. Rob4Hope

    Rob4Hope Guest

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 2 and moving toward Day 3)

    I'm not dead yet. Had a most interesting thing happen. While I am separated, my wife decided to show up and help me clean (the place I am living has a room mate who is a damn slob--to the EXTREME!). It was nothing more than an act of kindness on her bahalf -- with no agenda. She could see my depression - which has been horrible lately -- and she came and stood behind my back and gently rubbed my shoulders. I couldn't help myself but turn toward her and take her in my arms. An interesting thing happened,...I kissed her, and for the first time in a long while, I felt her kiss back. It was a wonderful moment and very "hope" producing.

    I was asked by another member of the group: "What is the longest you have gone without PMO happening?" In my case, I have gone about 115 days once. The ED ad DE problems I am dealing with now are actually rather new to me: I've never had those problems. Remember, the reason I have used is primarily because I feel a sense of rejection from my wife. We are in therapy, and she has consistently (over a year) made it clear that sex is NOT the problem--she likes sex--but the problem is she is really hurt from the PMO, and the pressure I put on her to be sexual. IN her mind, I am bringing another woman to bed with her,...or in the worst situation I am just using her body to masturbate myself. The whole experience is dehumanizing and insulting to her, even abusive.

    Shit! I wish I knew what I know now back in the "olden days" when things got going between us. I can understand her feelings. I had a therapist give an example of what something similar would feel like to a man:

    "Imagine are on your honey-moon with your wife. You have been anticipating the experience for months and more than anything, you want to spend intimate sexual time with your new lover. While in bed, you lower your pants and expose yourself for the first time to your wife. She looks at you, gets a shocked expression and then laughs while saying: "Are you kidding? Is that really all you have between our legs? My GOD! How am I even going to feel that? How rediculous!' Then, after she sais this, she asks you to do your best, and whatever happens happens,....but she is rolling her eyes and completely discusted as she opens her legs for you to begin."

    The therapist explained that if my wife were to appologize to me, but then repeat this experience over and over,...well, things would change inside of my heart and body with how I responded to sex with her. I would begin to distance myself and not want to be with her.

    Now, my wife wonders why I am not enough for her? Why do I need to resort to images in my mind when having sex? Why do I treat her as though she isn't there as my mind drifts into fantasy, having affairs with other women while I use my wife's body as a tool to masturbate on?

    Yep, it all makes sense.

    In my case now, I need to leave the "false and unreal" cyber affairs behind and move forward. If I can do that, there is a chance my wife an I can repair our marriage, and our sex. That is something, after 23 years of hurt, heartache and sorrow, that is a hopeful thought!
  19. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 2 and moving toward Day 3)

    Great post Rob4Hope. The therapist's analogy is very powerful.

    I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this experience.

    However, there is HOPE just like in your username, and you saw it these ways:

    - Your wife offering herself to you in cleaning your place
    - Her returning your kiss
    - Her statement that she likes sex

    THIS CAN WORK! It's up to you!

    I don't know what the process will be like or how long, but you have got to succeed at this man! The prize awaits, now do whatever it takes to win her back!!!

    First step:

    DO - NOT - LOOK - AT - PORN!!
  20. spinergy

    spinergy New Member

    Re: A new pathway? Is there hope? (Day 2 and moving toward Day 3)


    1. Great post, Rob4Hope.
    2. This can work!

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