Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rudolf Geyse, Oct 17, 2021.
Great stuff RG! Lots of good practical ideas, built off experience. Thank you for sharing
It's early days again on this steak but I'm feeling good about it again... I often get these little pangs of "Aw, I can't have FMO and all that goes with that" but immediately I remember all the programming through journalling, experience etc and the thought is followed up: "Good! FMO is crap!"
Gratitude is also such a powerful tool. The core of PMO and FMO is about the shallow things we don't have, but lately I am taking time to be grateful for all the deep, full, rich things I do have in my life. This definitely undermines the power of FMO.
Yeah, another reset.
Here's my thoughts.
It was another stray thought of an old source of P which I haven't checked out in years. I went along with the thought fairly easily without putting up much of a fight.
If I'm brutally honest with myself, I was entertaining the old thought which says, "Well you messed up a long streak. This is an opportunity to get in some more PMO action before you get another long streak off the ground." This is, of course, flawed logic which will lead me to go against everything I'm trying to build with the entirety of my life. It's crap. And I'm upset with myself for going along with it.
I'm upset that I wasn't upset at first. I was ok with my actions until I did some more introspection.
I'm upset that I'm fostering what I think is the most detrimental pattern for what we're trying to do here: the abstain-relapse cycle. This should be avoided with all urgency.
Tempted to not report it here so I could go on stretching out the binge. I'm really happy to say I now see that is crap. I will not be going down that road any further.
I can block that avenue now.
I regret so many times where I exhausted a fetish website's "offering". I now have an opportunity to say "no" before I get to the bottom of the barrel.
Building a streak from here:
Overall I have been strong building the new streak, but I see all it takes is a moment in which my guard is down. If I go by "time of day" triggers again, that was late at night. I think I need to be more intentional with some kind of personal "check-in" when I sit down to work in the morning and also soon after the family has gone to bed. I need to respond to the urge with some urgency.
Tonight I need to work ahead of the new week. I will be prepared.
I found that once I built a long streak I can think clearly, methodically, in advance about the consequences; about how it will feel maybe even before I get the O...as I am getting closer to it.
As I was saying, what is more of a struggle is with P alternatives. But I have enough clear thought to realize they will get me in the exact same place I were before. I don't even mention to myself that P alternatives can have the same effect on my brain too much; I just know where the old crocodile will drag me back. It is a dark place I've been to before.
Any egoistical man (not that I am one), but...even an egoistical man should have motivation enough to stay away from self-harm. Isn't this a paradox?
Anyway. Those "casual relapses" used to scare me (when it just feels like doing it, and you don't put up a fight). Still, the simple act of removing yourself from the context (room, phone etc.) that would facilitate it automatically, w/o "negotiating" anything, can help. I'm trying to establish this as my first response. I remove myself from the "area" of temptation.
Besides, it feels good to know you can do what others have failed to. You are one head above the others.
Of course, the primary motivator is my spiritual life. But, as you can see, I can't come up with one (it would be one at most...) reason to give in, vs tons of reasons not to. What if, during a "time of peace", you drill these down every day in your head, so that, when you're in the middle of that war, you can automatically mentally "switch" to all those truths? It works in my case.
I have opened this forum and posted some half-baked entries on my own journal as defensive moves lately. This forum is like a "materialization" of what I've achieved, I see the days, my own and others' struggles, so I go away refreshed.
Also, soon I will be joining the 40+ section. As I was saying, I want this decade to start the best I can.
I still think I won't be single forever, and it is, in a way, paying it forward to my future wife. I realize she exists somewhere. With the so widespread P culture, one thing I can do to honor her is to be a clean man. One day I will probably have kids and I want to have a clear conscience when looking my boy(s) in his (their) eyes and having "the discussion". I can't be a hypocrite.
Nothing else but God should control my life to such an extent P could.
Thanks for the thoughtful posts @CleanBootsBaby! . Yes, what has worked to get me this far is the careful "reprogramming" (or "renewing") of the mind to the extent that I go with the right decision in the moment... I just need to go further with that process.
Getting stuck in with some tasks now, staying clean. 2022, here we go.
Hey Rudolf... Sorry to hear you've had a relapse... Reading your post above, with the bullets, I could have typed that, it is so familiar...
I am on here right now, to avoid another reset, and your posts have helped me with that, I am grateful for that.
Ah @Tomato76 I'm so glad that something in there can be helpful. It's amazing that as we stumble through this together there is benefit for all of us. Community / accountability / support is such a powerful tool.
I've been down today. I think it's mostly because I'm coming to grips with my decision not to follow the P/P subs rabbit hole, and as I realise I'm no longer going to be able to enjoy that brief moment of pleasure, that is getting me down. Well, if that's true, this is good pain and once I get through it I'll be much, much stronger. If I can practise good decision-making patterns in the crucial moments!
Really bummed today that I could be taken in by the lies of PMO, FMO for all those years! The wasted time and energy. It was really juvenile and unacceptable, the total opposite of who I want to be...
All we can do is build from here, moving forward.
I've had a really strange couple of days. Wrestled with a lot of urges, battled to stay productive yesterday, all the old hurdles popping up all over again from this journey and struggle against P/MO. Opened some tabs I shouldn't have. I'm going to have to reset the counter again, which is just so heavy to have to report. It is what it is and I'm not giving up. Blocked what I could block again.
It got to the evening, and I finished a really great series on Prime. It's amazing how shows can broaden our horizons and teach us about ourselves when we see the human experience of others. Then I couldn't sleep. A storm came over in the night. My youngest son was trembling in the night, disturbed by the booming thunder. I went to him and he fell into sound sleep right away.
I'm so glad I can at the very least, be there for my kids, in a way my father wasn't for me. I loved my dad but he was absent. Saw him every second weekend after he and Mom split up. He was a better buddy than a father.
I paced through the house, grateful for my family, grateful for my wife, who is gorgeous, but not always in the way that is marketed at guys with our addictions. Praying, grappling with my own shortcomings, of which the P battle is just one, choking on emotion, tearing up, grateful for my life, so many experiences, random memories coming to mind.
Eventually got a few hours' sleep. Woke up and this feeling is still here, difficult to articulate: The odd nature of the reality of my life and where I'm at, with so many blessings, and I think a sense of longing. Longing to do right by my family, to show love to all, to make sure my wife knows I'm in her corner with her struggles and what she has going on, longing for the second half of my life to count, in whatever ways God has for me, big or small. And definitely to be done with sin.
This against the backdrop of all the usual stress and workload. I feel much calmer to face up to it now in the midst of this weird, I don't know what to call it: mid-life experience? So I'm getting stuck in.
Other than that mouthful, I'm not sure what else to say. May this be the last reset. And until I check in again, Let's Go.
It sounds like you are connecting with yourself and what is in you. That could be a healthy stepp to let all the false identity roles and pressure go, which made us do PMO to cope with the disconnect with our real self.
More power to you, man!
“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.” - C.S. Lewis
I feel different. I feel like I can see P and P subs for the sham they are. I have no interest in going there. I love and appreciate my wife more. I have a keen sense that we all have deep longings which we can fulfil in a limited sense on earth, and truly enjoy the legitimate fulfilment of those longings in healthy ways... but that our longings will finally and truly fulfilled in heaven. So I want to live for that.
Still early days on this streak though, so I'll see how it goes, take it one day at a time, and be aware of urges as they pop up so I can counter them properly.
Storms on the wasteland // Dark clouds on the plains again // We were born into the fight
But I'm not sentimental // This skin and bones is a rental // And no one makes it out alive
Until I die, I'll sing these songs // On the shores of Babylon // Still looking for a home // In a world where I belong
Where the weak are finally strong // Where the righteous right the wrongs // Still looking for a home // In a world where I belong
... I wanna see the earth start shaking // I wanna see a generation // Finally waking up inside
... This body is not my own // This world is not my own // But I still can hear the sound // Of my heart beating out // So let's go boys, play it loud!
On the final day I die // I want to hold my head up high // I want to tell You that I tried // To live it like a song
And when I reach the other side // I want to look you in the eye // And know that I've arrived // In a world where I belong
What an inspiring post!
Today I'm celebrating a mediocre day.
I wasn't as productive as I wanted to be, the day was just ok... but guess what. The one time an urge came up, I applied the principles of remembering why I hate PMO and FMO, and why there are better paths to enjoy, and that squashed the urge right away.
I was watching a movie where the main character goes through the 12-step programme for alcoholism. His sponsor mentioned how when he was drunk all the time, he had one pair of clean pants and one filthy pair, and he never cared which pair he wore. But now, today, he was celebrating mediocrity. Celebrating that he was wearing clean pants. Celebrating the delicious cup of coffee he drank in the morning.
We addicts need to embrace the "meh". To not crave highs all the time but also to be content that life isn't always a party. As long as we are not throwing our well-being down the toilet through our addictions, we can even celebrate the mundane. This makes every day a win.
This is just the mantra I needed today. Thank you Rudolf.
So true. Porn addiction is about desiring women that are not part of our lives. Materialism, also, is a focus on things we don't have.
Taking time to appreciate what we do have is the antidote.
Great point about celebrating the meh. I read something about porn numbing pain, but that it also numbs happiness, joy, serendipity, etc. It's wonderful to notice small joys and comforts when distanced from porn
Wow gents, thanks for all the likes and posts. @positivef @Libertad @realness @True Change @Mozenjo @Saville @Cali It would make my day if my ramblings helped someone on here.
Crushing it on day 5. Very clean streak. Loving life actually. And that doesn't mean life is easy or simple. Every day is a challenge. But it's still awesome.
At church today they spoke about "misplaced passions". I think the way to beat addiction is to be passionate about something greater. Let's realign our passions and our affections onto what's good. We can all agree P is not good.
A shadow tilts its head at me
Spirits in the dark are waiting
I will let the wind go quietly
I will let the wind go quietly
Be the one, be the one to take my soul and make it undone
Be the one, be the one to take me home and show me the sun
I know, I know you can bring the fire, I can bring the bones
I know, I know you'll make the fire, my bones will make it grow
...Put away, put away all the gods your father served today
Put away, put away your traditions, believe me when I say
We don't know, we don't know how to put back the power in our soul
We don't know, we don't know where to find what once was in our bones
Speaks to me of:
- Letting the urges go by without acting on them. We don't need to respond to urges.
- Looking t0 God for help in this. I've even interacted with agnostics on here who say we can't do this on our own, we need help from outside ourselves. "We don't know" within ourselves how to do this but we can call on God to show us.
- Putting away the gods, the habits, our fathers served. My parents definitely left a legacy in our lives of being ok with porn. My dad using, and my mom letting us watch whatever. We can put those patterns away for ourselves and for the next generation.
Day 6, here we go.
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