A New Decade - Let's Go

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rudolf Geyse, Oct 17, 2021.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Great post, RG:)
    The truth of the matter is that you and I are highly creative beings. When we don't recognize ourselves as such, and aren't ready, willing, or able to tap into our enormous creative potential, we seek entertainment and pleasure to fill that void. PMO and FMO are perhaps the most sure-fire, easily accessible, and high-octane ways to take our creative nature sideways, when we haven't connected with it authentically.
    What are your most creative tendencies and desires?
    Mine are in playing guitar, writing, building relationships, and building my business (and other people's businesses).
    There's been many a night, when I've hit that brick wall, and instead of going the PMO/FMO route to drive through it, have got out my guitar or tapped on my keyboard, rather than tug on myself, to dissolve that brick wall. There's nothing like a late night jam, and being delighted by how well the fingers move and the peace of mind that comes after, rather than the emotional letdown that comes from spending too much time greasing the bone-a-fone.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Great post yourself @NCBob !

    I guess it's a catch-22 situation: I don't really want to get the juices going at night cos it's time to sleep. But I can't sleep so I start trying to get the wrong creative juices going. Simple enough to fix if I believe (as I do) that ANYTHING is better than FMO, really... Thanks for the encouragement. Some experimentation is in order, perhaps?
    NCBob likes this.
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    A former therapist gave me a copy of a book chapter many years ago - can't remember the book, and the chapter was titled "The Ideal - Reality Conflict". It was a book for couples, and the applications are universal. If my ideal is that my mind should be completely relaxed and ready to slip off to dreamville at bedtime, and the reality is quite the opposite, I'm in for quite the conflict if I argue my ideal against my reality. Internal arguments are not fun, and PMO/FMO are great ways to end them (temporarily). Good luck with your experimentation:D
    Rudolf Geyse and Libertad like this.
  4. realness

    realness Active Member

    RG your journey and progress is really exciting! So is your transparency. The late night thing has been an issue for me a few times as well. I've found success in getting up and going to the living room and picking a documentary on Netflix. It keeps you out in the open, engages you in something moderately so you can feel the need for sleep come on so hopefully you can go back to sleep. Anyways, this is an active thing that I've started to do when I wake up and can't fall back to sleep after 30 minutes. The fantasy fall-back that you described is EXACTLY the same habit that I have nurtured over the years as an unhealthy response/coping mechanism. Well, actually, I used to get up and PMO when I couldn't sleep so fantasy has been an improvement as I progress in recovery and slowly emerge from the basement of behavior. Onward!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks again fellas, @NCBob and @realness and everyone who gave some likes.

    I'm feeling a little depressed today. I'm sure it's mostly just tiredness, had a couple of nights of interrupted sleep with sick kids etc. I'm sure I'll get through it.

    I FMO'd again.

    Little tired of talking to myself and picking up again but hey, I didn't think it would be easy. Would be nice though.

    I've resolved not to come on here and moan about the journey but rather to use this space to put down in writing a plan that I'm actively implementing. It would be far better to come on here when the urge hits than to follow through on the urge, and also better than just coming on here randomly - I want to move on concrete suggestions rather than just ambling on aimlessly, hoping to achieve goals.

    In this case I'll probably be back here soon.
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Ok here I am. It's late, I have some limited work to do but thank God I have been able to rest a couple of days. The urges are right here with me. Not super strong, like a 5 or 6 out of ten. I'm split right down the middle: I could go with it or resist it. So here I am on YBR instead.

    There is so much I could write about. So many reasons to do the right thing. So many hacks for actually doing the right thing.

    All useless if we don't follow through and do the right thing.

    I'll keep posting if I keep urging.


    Ok. Got a game plan going for my tasks and going to bed. Great evening. Did the right thing. See you next time.
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2021
    Bill Bogie and Libertad like this.
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Here again, same trigger, first time alone at night. Might be triggered by an actress from a show I watched earlier or whatever. FMO Lie: "You can have that in your mind. It'll just be a one-off." FMO truth: You will continue to throw your life down the toilet. Your relationship with your wife, your God, and true reward will all suffer. What you already have without FMO is awesome. Going along with FMO is never a one-off but a black hole of time and potential.

    So I'm staying the course and wrapping some Christmas presents in front of some shows I'm enjoying and then off to bed. Whiskey in hand. Already got the chicken dinner in PUBG New State. Life is good. Without FMO.

    67 Days no P / 1,5 days no FMO.
    Shady, Bill Bogie and Mozenjo like this.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    There's lots I could post about. Tried intentionally to FMO several but couldn't work any fantasy in my head to get me going. Not even a twitch. Then eventually an unsatisfying FMO last night which took far too many hours worth of mental energy for a weak pathetic climax. Not. Worth. It.

    Here's what I have observed:
    • I'm not "nipping it in the bud". I need a way to deal with these thoughts as they arise. The more powerful the thought/urge/fantasy idea, the more attention I need to give it to take it captive immediately. I'm leaving it alone for too long.
    • Again, I'm not formulating/sticking to the game plan in the crucial moments. I need to put in the yards.
    • I still haven't looked at P and that's huge. But @CleanBootsBaby! posted about not allowing "technicalities" in the form of open browser tabs etc when tempted. Cleanboots, I'm committing with you to resetting my P counter if I am allowing any intentional browsing for P subs, or time given to developing "fantasy material".
    And I DON'T want to reset on that 73 days now. I'm retaliating against this thing with everything now. My average time to relapse into FMO has been 7 days. Let's start with beating that, and have a clean 2022.
    ruggerdoug likes this.
  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Good man, good man...these letdowns are the perfect motivators for guys like us. Honestly. What if I do that and...it lets me down ever more than usually? What if I don't even get that orgasm I am anticipating? Yeah...

    Good man, good man...

    As much as I am against "cheating", honestly, sometimes that's exactly what you have to do to go forward. BUT it is rare and it must be followed by an obvious, undeniable, significant period of success.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks CBB. To clarify, I'm not cheating - according to my previously set parameters, I would reset the P counter if I looked at P, which I haven't. Following your thread I have now updated the parameters - I'll be resetting if I look for P subs or give time to F.

    Urges got up to about 7/10 today but no acting out.

    Listening to David Murray speaking on New Years' Resolutions... lots of good points, he referenced Atomic Habits as well... what was mentioned was the need for managing not just time but also energy, and the importance of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual energy. Inputting into each sphere. Lots of good stuff to work on. It was suggested only to work on two habits at a time at most. So for 30-40 days it's going to be "no FMO" and spending 10 minutes a day training my Rottweiler. :D

    74 days no P / 0 days no FMO.
  11. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    All was clear from the get-go, but I appreciate it! We up the standard! It helps having someone (virtually) along this thorny trail!

    Same here; even if less insistent, brain still tries to go Brutus on me...not gonna happen!

    Really used to like Rotties back in the day. Never owned one; still like'em.

    As someone that used to be deep into dogs (I mean, hands-on, for me and for other people, not admiring from afar), I can appreciate those that know what kind of dog they are buying and actually put in the required work.
    Rudolf Geyse and positivef like this.
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    New decade, now a new year. Urges every day. The greater problem for me with F is that it's even less "limited" than P. With P and especially with my fetish, there were thousands of images which I looked at over the years, but such a "niche" fetish dries up eventually. But with F, and I'm not trying to trigger anyone here - remember it is NOT worth it - with the right (wrong) application of your imagination, you can waste your life in a limitless fashion. The sky, or should I say the gutter, is the limit.

    Well, I'm no longer interested. If F dangled the carrot of limitless stimulation - which it failed to deliver on - then by choosing to go against F I know I'm choosing something better. Even better than limitless stimulation? Yes. A lifestyle and experiences which I'm confident actually will begin to meet my deepest longings in meaningful ways in this life (and the next).

    I was watching a movie in which the lead character walked through the 12-step program for alcoholics. So many great pointers for us rebooters. One thing that stood out was a celebration of mediocrity. Even a mediocre day without caving in to your addiction is objectively better than binging and enslaving yourself further.

    So I will keep setting aside those thoughts as they pop up.

    I'm starting out in '22 with 76 days no P and 3 days no FMO. Cleanest 3 days I've had in weeks. Rank: Private.
  13. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    This was a solid post.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Relapse at 79 days no P, 5 days no FMO.

    I chose the wrong path. I could break down the details, the triggers etc, but in the final analysis, I wanted to make a mistake.

    • I feel like trash again, obviously
    • It is really tough to process: All the good stuff I've written here, the encouragement to others, it feels as if that all goes down the toilet in this moment.
    • Right out the gate I can't enjoy a completely PMO-free 2022.
    • I don't want to start having a cycle where I relapse every couple of weeks again!
    • All is not lost. I just had a 79-day streak, my record since I started here.
    • It's still early days this year. I will not start to think, "Oh well, I already blew it this year, forget it." That kind of thinking is nonsense. It's time to pick up and move.
    • It's time to move to a unified day counter. Til now I separated P and FMO on two different counters. I have avoided P for so long that the focus of my day counter can now be no solo M - and of course to continue with no P. I have an opportunity here to build a totally clean 2022 - minus four days. I have all the tools, I have everything, I just have to do it. Will start building in routines from here.
    • I don't want to start having a cycle where I relapse every couple of weeks again!
    Let's go again. Let's do it together
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2022
  15. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    Well done for jumping back on the horse quickly, absolutely you still have the chance to say on the 5th Jan 2023, I was clean for a year, or whatever progress you made.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Urges on day 0. Some triggers I'll never avoid. It's like, living in Beijing, for example - you're going to breathe foul air, you can't avoid it. Doesn't men you don't install air filters in your house. Same as this culture in which we find ourselves - we are going to see some smut, it's unavoidable - but we can take all the precautions we can.

    Anyways, so just watching good quality entertainment with my wife. Guess what: attractive ladies. The trick for this season directly ahead of me is to get out of this line of thinking, which says I can capitalise on that via FMO later.

    The problems with this line of thinking:
    • Everyone on here has established that PMO is absolutely detrimental to health and happiness. "Just one more time" is crap. Continuing the FMO cycle to try to experience something novel doesn't pay off.
    • FMO isn't experience. Times with another real human being are an experience. Long-term monogamous commitment provides the most fulfilment. Sex is not designed to be "on tap". Even if I'd like it more frequently with my wife, FMO will only cheapen and dilute the experience it further. I'm done with that.
    • Getting drawn out from the story of what I'm watching, to wrestle with these things, is even ruining the flavour of the good entertainment I'm watching.
    Here is the trick again: We know this stuff! I need to put it into practise otherwise it's all just talk.

    So, game plan. I'm easing into work from today. It's late, I have my tasks, I'm going to plod through those, maybe play some poker, and sleep.
    Mozenjo and positivef like this.
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey RG,
    Back on the horse. You really did great, and you should be proud of what you accomplished. I agree that the FMO has to go, too, but you know you don't need porn, and that's huge.
    The beginning of the year always brings a desire to start fresh on something. But as U2 said, "Nothing changes on New Year's Day". It's just another day. We have to make every day count.
    Carry on, man. You're doing great.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  18. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    if i have a plan to walk 500 miles. and i have been on the road for days and reach 438 miles, then i remember i dropped something a mile back and go to retrieve it. i have gone back one mile. does that mean i have not walked 437 miles?
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    How to have a crap day:
    1. Set up to work in the morning. Potter around without accomplishing much. (Edit: If you want to have a crap day, avoid prayer here.)
    2. Eventually look at smut, MO. Feel lousy.
    3. Perhaps repeat the above.
    4. The resulting negative headspace will make productivity even harder.
    5. Congratulations, you are now having a crap day.
    How to have a great day:
    1. Get set up to go early on.
    2. Take a moment to consider how today will play into what you are passionate about. Connect with your deeper motivation for life. (Edit: Prayer is good in this step.)
    3. Plan your tasks with a focus on what will add the most value / what will alleviate the most stress in your life. Hone in on top tasks that will accomplish this.
    4. Get going on the tasks. Just start.
    5. Take frequent productive breaks where you fill your mind with helpful stuff. Ponder the true beauty this world has to offer.
    6. As curve balls come in, deal with them in a positive way. Delegate what you can. Table and schedule what can be dealt with later. Enjoy the "unavoidable-but-enjoyable" distractions. Plod through the unavoidable "headaches" with intentionality and finality.
    7. Reward yourself for completing high priority tasks as you go.
    8. At the end of the day take stock. Relax about what you couldn't get to - table this for tomorrow - and celebrate what you did.
    9. Make time for family and good hobbies before you crash.
    10. Congratulations on a great day.
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2022
  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    How to have a crap evening:
    1. Start at some point after work by entertaining the idea that you will FMO (or PMO or whatever) later.
    2. Put your faith and all deeper motivation out of your mind.
    3. Wait til the family is in bed and then start acting out, behind their backs like a loser.
    4. Realise momentarily after FMO that it was not worth it. Feel like an ass.
    5. You have successfully squandered another evening and propagated a cycle that is killing your potential.
    How to have a great evening:
    1. Enjoy family time. (If you live alone, and want to change that, use this time to plan and work towards being someone who is together and viable for a relationship, then start to reach out to possible connections.)
    2. Build in routines for greater enjoyment of life, like you always wanted (At the moment I'm training my Rottweiler and gradually learning piano).
    3. This may be a good time to take a moment to be grateful for what you have, and to center yourself in your faith - just before sleeping is another good time.
    4. If you gotta work as I often do, schedule the most brainless work for the evenings which you can do in front of the tv or listening to great music. Plow through it at a steady pace (full steam ahead if you're up to it, or, with generous breaks if you're not - after all, this is after hours. Take it a your pace but keep at it) til it's done.
    5. Enjoy worthwhile entertainment and down time (Just discovered a really good series on Prime that I am looking forward to working through).
    6. If married, have a plan in place for intimate time with the wife which you have both communicated and agreed on in a way that puts the other person first. If not, see step one.
    7. When the time comes to sleep, have a plan in place to avoid FMO (Preemptive Metascript: https://universalman.com/free-guides/metascript-method/ . Tonight I'm also thinking about putting in headphones for some good listening as I drift off.)
    8. If the plan in (6) is for sex another night, then how about some aggressive cuddling as you settle down to sleep. (If not married see step one again! Work towards it fellas.)

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