A New Decade - Let's Go

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rudolf Geyse, Oct 17, 2021.

  1. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Good job, pulling yourself away fro the siren song.

    Apply consistency, BOOM! the freedom we so much philosophize over achieved.
     
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  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Well, yeah - it's hard for me to bring any encouragement to you for that, but there is genuine encouragement you can find, I believe it and I'm rooting for you man. There is this idea that people have: they might say, "How can you subject yourself to a belief system that represses who you are and limits the enjoyment you get out of life?" Sam Alberry is brilliant on this stuff. He talks about how when he started doing it God's way as a celibate man with same sex attraction, he suddenly started to thrive in life with real peace, enjoyment and fulfilment like never before - even though it was hard.

    Doing it God's way is never repression. It's what makes us flourish as human beings.

    ---

    The stress is manifesting in my chest and back. It comes when I'm making real inroads to the work on my plate, and my brain is firing: "what about that task? And that task? and that one over there?"

    Best solutions for this are:

    1) Brain dumping - get it out of my head and on a page/list that I can refer to often so I know I won't overlook anything.
    2) Prioritise the list. I believe in one life, one list. Prioritise.
    3) If I see I'm not going to get to something - communicate to those affected, so I'm ahead of the curve, not playing catch up all the time to people's expectations.
    4) Tackle the list. Keep the foot on the gas. Full engagement during work time, full disengagement during rest/family time.

    This Dec I am hoping to take a step back and look at the bigger picture again. The word for 2022 is "outsourcing". Let me see what I can clear off the plate. Queppet was talking about leaving some margin, some "head room" to feel like we are living within our capacity - I'm not winning at this. But I will get there.

    53 days no P / 3 days no FMO. Rank: Private.
     
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  3. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    True, excellent points. Thank you.

    Honestly, most of the days it's so easy (I smack right away any bad thought as it arises - never let it go past that) that I sometimes wonder if I'm still a sexual being, LOL. But, as I very well know, I'm just one meter away from a sleeping monster that I'm not going to wake up.

    *

    I'm also glad to see you always coming up with a plan. I commend you for your your "no surrender" attitude, brother.
     
  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I regret to report another FMO. I don't know why I did it. The urge wasn't very strong at all, but I still just went along with it. I thought about ignoring it and leaving the counter but that's bull, better to be honest and face up to it.

    When I was initially trying to get over the hurdle of looking at P I did a lot of journalling and introspection, and that has fallen by the wayside for this part of the battle. I better start up the ol' metascript journal again to be better prepared to walk away from FMO. I've been letting my guard down.

    54 days no P / 0 days no FMO.
     
  5. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    These are the most baffling occurrences. I've been there, too.

    That is why you take the Bible's recommendation and flee any sexual immorality. You kill those baby monsters the very moment they hatch in your mind. Whack-a-mole style.

    It will get much easier. As long and THEN you don't become complacent and too sure of yourself, as long as you don't think you "deserve" to "do something" for yourself, you'll be golden. Coasting, with the occasional mole you need to whack and you do it instantly, with impunity, with some sort of satisfaction, really.

    Don't be just another case of wasted potential, mate.
     
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  6. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Honesty, especially to yourself. You would weaken your future position towards PMO otherwise.
    Keep going, man. 54 days no PMO is a good place to be and continue with it. All the best.
     
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  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks again for the encouragement @CleanBootsBaby! and @Libertad . Also @Mozenjo for the like.

    Reading that back, I thought, actually, I do know why I did it - years of ingrained behaviour, neural pathways etc. Some relapse when they are bored. I wasn't exactly bored at the time, so much as just idling. My days are filled with to-do lists and pressure, so when I have some downtime to myself, this is yet another trigger moment to be aware of, in which old patterns will try to assert themselves.

    It means my guard needs to be up in those times as well. I previously made a list of triggers here on YBR, I think in the journal I need to revisit the list and remind myself of what to expect over the next days.

    I also think that, like when I was building up the P counter, I need to set a more realistic target for no FMO than 40 days. At the moment I seem to want to go there every 7-10 days so let me aim for 10 days no FMO to start with and then keep it going from there.

    Currently 55 days no P / 1 day no FMO. Rank: Scout. 9 days til next target. Can do.
     
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  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I can relate to all of this. Yes, we absolutely need to be aware of triggers, and if one of them is just sitting down in the chair, then creating a new feeling when we do that is key. If we feel empowered to be clean no matter what, then piling up the days where we don't act out while sitting in front of the computer should make the long overdue changes to our brains.
    You're at a critical juncture, Rudolph. You're well over halfway to 90. I know you want to get there, and beyond. Keep posting, keep doing what you need to do, and you will get there. I'm rooting for you.
     
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  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    What stopped me from going with FMO since my last post:

    What hooks us in is the thought that PMO or FMO is the ultimate. In that moment when we are acting out we think there's nothing better so we go along with it. But in fact, there are many, many things that are better than PMO or FMO - far more satisfying and fulfilling.

    Now, in the Biblical worldview, our greatest reward is God Himself. To be with God (especially in the future when we see Him face-to-face) is what is ultimate. To know Him and enjoy Him forever.

    When that urge hit and my heart was racing, I thought, "God has something better than this." And I went on to more constructive pursuits.

    "God has something better." Better than P or FMO? Easily. Better even than sex with a real woman? Absolutely. C.S. Lewis spoke about how, if you were talking to a child, they wouldn't understand that anything could be better than chocolate, but as an adult you would understand that great sex is much better than chocolate. This is an analogy of the leap between the fleeting pleasures of this world and the eternal pleasures in God's presence.

    It's a free gift. It's not that my works make me acceptable to God. It's the work of Christ (the cross) that makes me acceptable and sets me on the path to this kind of reward. He transforms my tastes to want to choose the paths that He sets out for me in which I can thrive and flourish.

    The critics of this would say it's powerful wish fulfilment fantasy - I'd respond by explaining i) why I believe the resurrection is a factual historical event and ii) it worked for me many times to avoid addictive behaviour - I believe this isn't just religious theory but a working model for life. It doesn't make me bulletproof right away, you can see how hard I've had to work at it - but it does work.

    56 days no P / 3 days no FMO, rank: Private.
     
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Guys, the last 24 hours showed me I'm not out of the woods at all. I thought P was ancient history and it would be a minor deal to end FMO and then move to less frequent MO as well, piece of cake. In reality my thoughts have been plagued again with all kinds of fantasy ideas to run with. Trying not to act out. Also keeps me humble since the last post. As much as each and every tool for fighting the F battle is helpful, and I stand behind these as working solutions, the fact remains there is no one "silver bullet" that can take out this monster, but consistent practise and working out of the systems, trying different things when you're not succeeding. I definitely don't want to report another relapse now so trying to stay clean and productive.
     
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    When you think of all the years it took for us to get to the point where we want to rid ourselves of this nasty habit, for us to expect that it will just disappear after a few weeks or months is unrealistic. I have fallen prey to it snapping back and saying "not so fast!" so many times it's ridiculous. Keep posting. I commend you for coming here and letting us know what's going on. I'm with you, man.
     
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  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Mozenjo . Still right in the thick of it. If I don't make the right decisions in the next hours I will be coming on to report a relapse. That would suck piles.

    I'm trying to grind out the last couple of tasks for year end but I'm not feeling it. I feel physically heavy. My mind keeps reaching for fantasy.

    I can do this. Pomodoro. Constructive breaks. Metascript journal. Break it down more. I don't feel up to it, man. But then again, I don't need to feel it, I just need to do it. A soldier gets it one. My heroes got it done. Let's go...

    I want a clean 2022. The way to get there is not to load my mind with smut now.
     
  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Got past that hurdle and I feel like I'm on the upswing again. I must keep up my guard.

    A thought that helped was: "I will not set my heart on this. This is not a worthy target for my affection and my attention." So when I see a woman, or have a thought for a fantasy to develop I kept repeating - "I will not set my heart on that."

    Also it helped to get going with work. Seems insurmountable but when you get started... not so bad. I even found a quicker way to accomplish one task and saved at least an hour. So I can get ahead on some other tasks, which is great.
     
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  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Good man! You're putting in the work and making the right decisions in crunch time. Just the inspiration I need right now.
     
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  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Really shaky again. Slightest triggers seem exaggerated and pile up quickly, all pushing me towards the thought of acting out on a line of fantasy.

    Here's what's keeping me hanging in there at the moment:

    1) There's no screwing around: If I look at P now, I lose a 59-day streak. If I FMO, I lose a 5-day streak and it makes my goal of living FMO-free ever-more distant.
    2) I would hate to report that on this forum.
    3) I know from experience it won't be quick. If I act out it's going to be a time-consuming process which won't cancel the urges, it'll only make 'em worse.
     
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  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    No. FMO counter reset.

    I didn't want it enough. If I wanted to I would have formulated a plan which I know will work. I just wanted to slip up.

    That hits me hard.

    If I want to make the next step on this road I need to go the yards. I need to think about why I don't want the rest of my life to be characterised by frequent FMO. I need to write it down. I need to analyse triggers and plan for the next time they pop up.

    I feel pretty good about not looking at P. On the trajectory to the FMO I rattled my blockers and found there was nothing worth looking at. But I believe if I carry on allowing FMO in the quantities I used to indulge in, it will lead me to taking back steps in this area, owing to diminishing returns.

    How badly do you want to turn this around?
     
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  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    62 days no P / 1 day no FMO. Rank: Scout.

    I think to overcome any addiction it must sink in that you are gearing up to NEVER go back to using this crutch. I've had these moments where I'm considering just what it is that I'm trying to do here. In that understanding, there has been a sense of regret at the loss of something which has brought a great deal of comfort and reassurance when I was trying to cope. But this is mixed with a sense of resolve for moving forward, and anger and hatred for this thing which held me back far more than it has helped.

    I am convinced I don't want to be a slave to FMO anymore. I am convinced I want to be the master of my own appetites and actions, not the other way around. The man who has mastered these things is a hero to me - that's where I am going.
     
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  18. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi Rudolf Geyse, well done on reaching over two months sober from PMO.
    About your post, I was thinking about something similar today. Do I want pity, compassion, mercy, sympathy and charity from others, which can be very comforting and it can feel secure to have a life with low expectations from others and low responsibility or do I want to take full responsiblity for everything in my life and become respected and respect myself. The decission is made every second but especially in moments were there is the fork in the road one path leads to PMOing or other senseless short term pleasures, the other side is the path to responsibility and real values and personal growth.
     
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2021
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  19. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @Rudolf Geyse you are your own hero. 62 days, that's brilliant.
    And yes overtime you won't need it anymore.

    Best of luck.
     
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  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    First goal on this streak is no FMO until Christmas. And then immediately set the next goalpost.

    I'm upset with myself. I'm upset with myself because I trained myself for years on something unhelpful and now it's caused detrimental patterns which I never ought to have experienced. I lie in bed at night next to my sleeping wife, thinking, how could I get an FMO going? I consider options of what I could look at to get some momentum going and then remind myself how I've blocked all avenues... there's stuff I could do but it would potentially take hours to get there, so I think, forget it. Next I start trying to dream up a scenario apart from that, and then quickly give up that path, realising again that what I'm going to get from that line of thought is not going to be worth the energy I would have to put in. Also, I give up those thoughts out of disgust.

    So then, I start thinking, what to do instead until I fall asleep? We are living in a golden age of entertainment and I have encouraged guys on the forum to pursue anything but P - there are great shows, games, podcasts out there... I have a couple of shows I'm watching and some games I play but I have enough of that before I get tired. I'm sick of it actually. Sick of entertainment. Sick of being less than thrilled by other pursuits because MO has been more thrilling for so long. Podcasts are about the best alternate, or music... or maybe it's time to start something new. My side hustle business grew out of being a night owl and needing the cash... maybe there are new creative or business ventures I could explore in the night hours... I don't know. Maybe this awkward season will give way to a much better way of life... actually I'm sure it will.

    Anyway, just trying to verbalise the journey. The above made me remember this oldie-but-goodie:



    Fumbling his confidence
    And wondering why the world has passed him by
    Hoping that he's bent for more than arguments
    And failed attempts to fly
    Fly

    Chorus: We were meant to live for so much more
    Have we lost ourselves?
    Somewhere we live inside
    Somewhere we live inside
    We were meant to live for so much more
    Have we lost ourselves?
    Somewhere we live inside

    Dreaming about providence
    And whether mice or men have second tries
    Maybe we've been living with our eyes half open
    Maybe we're bent and broken
    Broken

    Chorus: We were meant to live for so much more...

    We want more than this world's got to offer
    We want more than this world's got to offer
    We want more than the wars of our fathers
    And everything inside screams for second life
    Yeah

    We were meant to live for so much more
    Have we lost ourselves?
    We were meant to live for so much more
    Have we lost ourselves?
    We were meant to live for so much more
    Have we lost ourselves?
    We were meant to live
    (We were meant to live)
    We were meant to live
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2021
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