Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rudolf Geyse, Oct 17, 2021.
Congrats Rudolf. That is a wonderful achievement.
Rudolf I came across your most useful post about Incognito blockers late in the day thanks to Moz who mentioned it recently. Incognito has been a problem for me for years so to know there is a way to block it completely is really great. Thank you, Tom
I'm so glad @Old Tom Bombadil , I hope that works for you.
These lyrics really hit me hard! Press the crank button on this sucker and listen up! It's about mistakenly trying to use materialism and drugs as a solution to our insecurities and problems, but how that will never satisfy us. The same applies to PMO.
Lyrics from verse 2 onwards:
Shiny like a cash machine
Deep down, I'm trying to cover up this tragedy
I thought that getting the bag was all I need
But then it finally caught up to me
I'm not as happy as I seem
I just hit the lotto
Was over the moon like Apollo 11
No kidding, but it's a tough pill to swallow
When you realize
Everything you ever wanted is hollow
I don't care too much for money, it won't buy me love
The beautiful is ugly when you come down from the drugs
And you ask
When is it enough?
How bad do you need that stuff?
What's it all for?
Why's it seem like you still want more?
When is it enough?
Turns out you don't need that stuff
I want to scream these lyrics. If PMO is so satisfying, why does it always seem like we still want more? It's ugly when you come down from the natural high! Turns out we don't need that stuff, men!
Let's keep at it with tenacity! If something isn't working, try something else! Research, plan, implement! Let's go!
Good post... Can see how you make the connection with PMO, even the lyrics in relation to material stuff ring home for me...
Looking back my life, the more I recover from PMO and alcohol, the more I see that my acceptance of material world, drugs, and throwaway pop culture -alongside my worst habits- stunted my emotional development.
I would not want to blame the existence of these things for ending up the way I did, but I latched on to them as something positive and fun, for a long time giving them more than they deserved, with no sense of how detrimental they would be to me.
I'm right there with you Tomato. I don't blame media, pop culture, advertising, etc., for my porn addiction - all that stuff is part of the scenery today and we have to deal with it.
But for me, men's magazines, hip-hop music, 'success culture' and loads of other stuff, implanted values in my head about women, relationships, lust, pleasure, etc.
It's only through abstinence that I've been able to step back and see all the messaging we receive every day.
Quick check-in at 35 days. Still going for it.
On my no-MO counter, look, there was a strike there with FMO, but not a relapse. I have found this a helpful approach, building up the no-P counter and not resetting on every slip: this has helped me to get to 35 days without looking at ANY of my old sources of P. That's why I have kept 2 counters, one here and one on the Iron Will app. I think after I hit my milestone of 40 days I will need to ramp up the fight against MO even more 'cos I still don't think it's helpful. If I relapse there or have too many strikes I will of course reset that counter as well. As it stands under these conditions I am currently on 6 days on that counter (corporal rank).
Also, I do find that not looking at P means less fuel for F. So we will get there.
Great stuff, RG. Thanks for this. And 35 days without P is also great! I'm on Day 10, and even at this early stage, I'm seeing my plight from a different perspective. It's sobering (literally) when we can step back and see what we're doing when we've given ourselves the gift of abstinence.
Really tired today, physically, just drained. It's this time of year as well I suppose. PILES of work to get through. I'm going to aim to plow through some urgent tasks til my meeting in an hour and a half, then nap, then get up and keep cracking on.
P and any MO is not an option.
Nice time with the wife overnight for her birthday. We went away just here in the city to a B&B and left the kids with the grandparents. Was well worth it and I will look to do it regularly as time and finances allow. Very helpful for the struggle.
Hotchie motchie! Suddenly 40 days is around the corner! The hurdle I've been trying to beat since '19!
Yes I've MO'd more than I care to admit, but not visiting, not looking at, and not missing that handful of "personal poison" sites in 37 days... This is amazing. I thank God! And you guys.
Getting up today I feel myself drifting. Having had not a bad week for productivity but, yet again, still looking ahead to piles of urgent tasks makes me want to escape. Same old same old. Since I have distanced myself so far from P I find myself trying to escape in other ways. I'll think about checking into my mobile games, but then I remember I have already hit all my daily targets. Makes me hesitant to play any more. Scrolling down my feeds aimlessly... I think the best thing I can do is set a pomodoro timer, jump in and then enjoy some online poker or something in my long break.
Your use of language is interesting, you referred to your use of certain sites as “poison”.
Poison, toxin, venom are terms for any substance that injures the health or destroys life when absorbed into the system, especially of a higher animal.
The longer you stay away from those fetish-related “personal poison” sites you mentioned, the more your resolve will grow. You don’t need that shit. As the above dictionary definition says, “it destroys life”. Stay focused RG. Don’t allow excuses (e.g. an overwhelming workload) to creep in. What are you trying to escape from? (piles of urgent tasks, your existence, your past actions, something else?)
Thanks @forlorn . Having done the deep dives into the reasons why I have constantly turned back to P, that's the big one: work avoidance. Somehow I used to trick myself into thinking, "well I can't just sit here screwing around and playing solitaire all day, but if I look at these images then it's not me, it's my addiction that's the problem." This was in one sense a cry for help. Having four kids and being a homeowner I have felt trapped in three jobs/income streams, and it led me to a sense of being always on the hamster wheel. The solution has been to attack it on multiple fronts eg. re-looking at how I use and allocate downtime, outsourcing a good portion of my work etc. So we are getting there. Far from being a helpful crutch, the P cycle paralysed me for years - at last, having now removed that cycle, I am gradually getting through it, one day at a time. Even in this month I have taken huge strides and crossed off tasks which have been bugging me for months.
Still, November is usually a big push under the best circumstances - lots of tasks to close out the year, and everyone I know is battling with low energy levels. The 3rd Dec is a big "finish line" for me with tasks, and then my office (one of them) closes on the 15th, so, just have to keep managing it until there is more breathing space.
Doing good at 39 days. Iron Will app rank for no MO relapses: Master Sergeant. Bicep emoji!
40 days no P, friends. It's been a long time coming. A real battle just to see that figure right there. I think some kind of reward is in order - maybe a whiskey & a movie.
I'm also ramping it up from here. Had a trigger right on cue last night. An image appealing to my fetish came up in my FB feed and threw me for a loop, leading to FMO. I'm resetting the MO day counter on the Iron Will app.
The goal now is going to be to keep the counter going on the no-P counter, and build up the no-MO counter. Let's start with one week no MO as a goal.
If I can get to 80 days no P / 40 days no MO, I will be living the life I want to lead in this area. Together with all that entails.
41 Days no P, 1 Day no MO. Rank: Scout.
Looking forward to posting in "Success Stories" someday soon.
I know where you're coming from with the work avoidance stuff. For me, it was as if looking at images/videos was a little 'reward' after I'd done some work - or I'd use it to simply avoid having to deal with work tasks, especially those that seemed difficult. But whenever we distract ourselves in this way, it hurts us - in more ways than one. Even flicking between different tasks messes up our productivity, our brains aren't designed for multi-tasking. Good effort on the 41 days without P.
Jonesing a little tonight. Gotta get ahead on tasks, not avoid work thru P or other means. I also don't want MO... After Friday I'm pretty sure things will slow down some. Gotta make it to that finish line.
I'm using that hack again: Don't feel like jumping in on the to-do list, but if I break it down to very small tasks I don't feel resistance to the tasks. Example: I don't feel like submitting this whole budget for my department. But, I don't mind just turning on my computer. Then I don't mind opening some pricing catalogues and browsing for the best price for each item (actually I am quite interested in this step). Then it's simple to put those on the spreadsheet... by now I've got enough momentum to continue, etc, etc.
Doing good. The systems are working. 43 days no P, 3 days no MO, rank: Private.
Plodding thru my mountain of tasks. Always enjoyable to check in with my to do list in troll and see how many tasks I've completed today. Staying on track.
Urges popping up but I'm squashing them. I see an attractive woman, think about going back to my old FMO habits, and then remind myself I've got an awesome wife. This is powerful and works for both married and single men I believe: Work towards a flourishing real long-term, mutually uplifting relationship with a real-life woman. It's hard, it takes possibly more work than anything else in life but it's worth it if you are both committed.
While I'm rambling, it also helps if you are both committed to God first - this is immense security. I know my wife remains committed to me because she is committed to Christ first. I remain committed to my wife even when it doesn't feel worth it, because I committed to God first, that I would stay committed to her. Plus I believe He enables us for the task.
Love i1! By using starter steps you overcome initial resistance, and once you're moving and on the path, you just keep going.
Another day, another set of challenges. It's disheartening when I have been productive for several days and still I have clients "shouting". I feel like wasting the morning, resting, trying to find strength. But, I did rest over the weekend and I will rest again, just not now, now it's time to get to work. The system works and I have help from above, just gotta start.
Positive: I don't feel the need to look at P to escape, it feels like I've broken the back of that part of the addiction.
Separate names with a comma.