thanks for that post on Make stressors. I hear you and applaud you. People throw out the phrase Im the Man but few act and do what a man does. You’re providing for your family. You’re puttin work in on yourself for others. You’re the Man! I hope you’re doing well on your August streak.
Not a perfect couple of days but some positive things happening. Spent too much time considering ways to get to assisted solo MO. Spent too much time trying to get caught up in fantasy concepts. On the positive side I have stayed fairly productive and reached out to some brothers. Not resetting the counter but need to get my head out of the gutter otherwise I'll be reporting a relapse here... don't want!
Hanging on by a thread. Don't want another reset. I am trying to implement good strategies. I want to commit to reaching the end of this month 100% clean.
Still right up against it. I have added a restriction to my App Store because I found a type of app that has not been helpful for keeping clean streaks. I have obviously removed the app but the temptation is to load it again. So now I've blocked the app store as well. I understand this is just a way to tie myself to the mast to ignore the call of the sirens. I understand blockers alone won't cut it. I need to write about why I keep wanting to escape there. I need to reach out to my support group today. It's taking everything I have but I have everything I need to overcome this. I'm going to take a few more minutes to do the right thing before I get to work. --- UPDATE: I hope this is a turning point... I was really at a low but I did all the right stuff and have been able to get some good work done instead of running away to the smut pit. That is about as intense as any urge as I've overcome before. And getting over it wasn't so bad in the end, it felt like it would be a lot harder to resist. Trust the process, keep doing the right stuff consistently, build one day without smut, those will turn into streaks. It's about re-training my brain that those escape routes offer no true solutions, help or even real lasting enjoyment, so they are no longer an option: Bye bye to smut, I won't miss you.
Unfortunately, I have to reset the counter. Everything was working, I feel like my strategy is better than ever, for those twenty days, but had a proper moment of weakness and caved in like an illegal mine operation. If I look back it's also too much room given to having my head in the gutter for the last week, even if it wasn't at the point of reporting a relapse. The first thing I get on the forum is messages like "don't beat yourself up". I'm not. I know those messages are well-meaning, so thank you! I am so amped to take a fresh run at beating this. Four years. Four years on the forum and haven't got past 80 days no P. Most vital lessons from when it has been working: - Journal properly about why I want to destroy this pattern - Journal properly about triggers and how to deal with them better - Lean into my support group which I am a part of. I find I can too easily "play the game" and say what I think the accountability wants to hear. This is TOTAL nonsense. I'm only hurting myself. - It's NEVER "just one peek" or "just one fantasy indulgence." That is what derailed me this time, again Also I think I'm going to take @DBA's advice and track PMO, peeking, F separately. The last time I looked at full-blown P was I don't know when. So there has actually been a vast improvement. I want to sort this out now. I want it rooted out 100%. I want it so bad. But until I want it more than O, I am going to keep up with the nonsense. And if I don't make the right moves now, it's going to take everything crashing down for me to want it enough. Now is the time. Thank you for the support all, please don't stop supporting me. I'll beat this thing yet. The big one now is to avoid the chaser, and the thought "well I've messed up already, so I may as well..." That line of thinking is total nonsense and will destroy me. Thanks for the support and the comment @LonelyCaz . Let's go AGAIN!
“The last time I looked at full-blown P was I don't know when.” I say that’s a win! We know that so many things in our world are actually P that most don’t recognize (and we didn’t either). Good move - track different things.
Rudolf, don't worry about being on the forum for a long time. I've been here much longer, and I'm still battling. It's hard sometimes to see this as a sign of strength, trust me I know, but giving up is not an option. I certainly know that about you by now. Your fortitude is super inspiring. Your honesty with your counter as well. It can be the great leveler. So be it. Bring it on. Much respect to you.
What are my "wins" today? First, getting to the end of this weekend with a couple of totally clean days behind me is a HUGE win. I felt like there was no way I would get out of the slump after the last relapse. At no point did I want to give up, but I was just thinking, am I going to be able to do this? How? Yet here we are. I am glad for all the time spent journalling and reaching out to my support team, for the blockers, and for a game plan to do other more helpful stuff until I was tired enough to sleep. Second, the messages above. Wow guys. From @mailboxsam 's simple encouragement, to @LonelyCaz 's insight and to @Mozenjo 's kind words. Not to mention the other likes @StarWarsFan @path-forward and @DBA who has also sent me some DM's. Wow, just wow. Thank you. This is meaningful to me (and probably a far better, quality dopamine hit as opposed to the trashy, destructive hit you can get from P). Let's keep encouraging one another.
Battling a lot lately. My difficulty is in those lingering urgent tasks I haven't been able to get to because of scheduling conflicts and my mental space. One thing I don't want to do is turn to smut! I don't want to do that anymore, it will only make everything suck! I'm following the hardline today, just doing what I need to do and then giving myself some space.
Hi Rudolf - in your advice to another fellow on this forum from some time back, you recommended the Metascript Method. It seems like a great idea, I think I should try it. Has it helped you?
@mailboxsam The Metasctript Method has been huge for me. If I made any progress in the last 18 months it's largely due to that. --- Sadly I went looking for Psubs again and FMO'd to it. I have deleted the app I was on, and added extra hurdles again in terms of blockers etc. I would love a 100% clean week again, to start with. I love a clean start. With support we can do it, we're going to beat this thing. Let's go.
Yes, let's go. If it's two steps forward and one step back, the net is one step forward. But we get "there" when the steps back are eliminated. Back on this horse.
Get back on the horse. Adding the additional blockers is good move. I also recently switched my phone to grayscale that’s been helping me.
I opened some tabs to look for a way to act out (maybe a bit of the chaser effect). Came to my senses and shut it down. Thoughts: Blockers help a heckuva lot, because they make the P rabbit hole that much more tedious to follow Again, blockers can't be the first or only line of defence. I need to make adjustments in my thinking to the extent I would still not go there if I were in a situation where there were no blockers, that is the end goal So every time that I do avoid P is a win, because I am re-training my brain on how to make good moves.
This has been a very hard couple of days. Really battled to get this streak off the ground. But today I'm feeling strong. Looking forward to a clean month in Sept? Why not? With consistency and coaching ourselves the right way this can be the turning point we have been waiting for!
Thanks for all the likes @path-forward @StarWarsFan @LonelyCaz @Mozenjo @Gil79 Every day I stay away from smut is a huge win. Again, I'm so glad I set up the blockers, I would be dead in the water if I hadn't. But I'm even gladder when I'm not trying to rattle 'em! Wife will be out of town for a couple of days and I really want to stay clean while she's out. Need all the motivation and support I can get.
Hang tough! Schedule yourself a dinner at a restaurant during this time when she's away, at least it will fill the time.
Well, here's where the work happens: when she's away. Just remember. That's all we have to do. Remember. Losing our memories of the pain we will inflict on ourselves is a really old gig. Don't let the delirium cloud your brain. Stay strong, my friend. You've got this!
