A New Decade - Let's Go

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rudolf Geyse, Oct 17, 2021.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I couldn't access YBR for a few days, was it just me?

    I see my counter 19 days. That doesn't seem right. I haven't looked at any P in those 19 days - awesome! But I have peeked at some images and feeds and I have definitely fantasised til the point of MO. And since I'm trying to track days free of peeking and MO...! Reset.

    I'm ready to begin again. Seeing progress but why am I still going back to those patterns...? The big one is a misguided attempt at escape... it doesn't bring anything like true escape 'cos it actually makes the problems worse. We know these things.

    "I'm ready to begin..."

    Seems odd to be saying "I'm ready to begin" at 41 with 10,001 failed attempts behind me. But I look back and see progress. I want to start putting the nails in this coffin now. It's never just one peek, and F is fuel on the fire of peeking, and vice versa. Let's be done with this. Let's go
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Some urging last night but worked until I was too tired to pursue it. Had some of the best sleep I can remember, actually got up feeling refreshed.
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Tragic FMO binge last night! $#!+. Clean the slate for March. Let's have a 100% clean month. I have in mind some things to do differently, will let you know what's working.
    Thelongwayhome27 and Saville like this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Any idea what triggered you?
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @Gil79 same old, same old! Stresses of life driving me toward avoidance. I can rationalise it but the lizard brain still takes over when I am not intentional about exposing all the bull.

    I am elated here going into day 2 of the streak. Really looking forward to this one. Pushing in to intimate times with my wife, feeling better about work. Also I blocked another site that used to trip me up, which felt like a huge win! For some reason it was slipping through the blockers. I managed to block it across all browsers through the terminal. (I'm very clear on blockers - there's almost always a way around them but having hurdles in place almost always gives me time to think about what I'm doing, what I'm throwing away, when I go to those same old sites, and massively increases the chances that I won't go there. I also HATE disabling the blockers to look at smut, it always feels like the biggest back steps in this long fight to better my life, so that also is a huge preventative. But, at the same time, I know blockers aren't the final solution and I need to put a lot of work into my thought life, motivation, purpose, joys, rest, planning, spirituality and community to overcome this thing.)
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I love this part of the streak. The early days make me realise how much better life is without fapping. I need to double down all the way from day 7 to day 21 though.
    Thelongwayhome27, -Luke- and Saville like this.
  7. New Frontiers

    New Frontiers Member

    "I know blockers aren't the final solution"

    Of course, but.... I don't know how technically savvy you are, but there are much more comprehensive ways to block and are much more of a hassle to UN-block in the case of urges. One such thing is to use OPENDNS as your DNS server in your ROUTER. You can even set up a free account at Cisco and configure the settings in detail. This means nothing in the WHOLE HOUSE (wired OR wifi) can get porn or sexy stuff all in one swoop. You would have to log into your router on purpose, change those settings, save it, reboot the router, then go back to your computer or phone... to be able to get at any smut.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks @New Frontiers , yes I use OpenDNS, very helpful. I found some sites slip through the cracks though? Possibly newer sites that haven't been added to their watch list yet, or tiny sites that relate to the particular fetishes I used to be stuck in. So I find it helps to have blockers at the browser level and OS level as well. I also have disabled incognito modes totally. All this helps to get out of the "muscle memory" of opening tabs to look for smut.
    New Frontiers likes this.
  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Such an odd sensation. Withdrawal. The last times I relapsed I was in this space, although the withdrawal was not even as intense as it is now. It feels so odd to NOT go along with it. If I can describe it it is literally an empty feeling in my stomach, and my mind nagging me to concoct some play land into which I can escape (work and life is not the most stressful it has ever been but there is plenty which I might prefer to avoid if left to my own petty devices). I feel like a dirty old man for confessing it, but some new young co-workers are serious eye candy, plus my mind is reaching for some concept all the time upon which to construct a fantasy. I tend to "divert" away from fantasising over real people 'cos the craving tries to sell itself to me as more "innocent" if it's based in the realm of pure fantasy. So historically I have tried to "invent" similar people in situations which I can fap to.

    However, this time around I've blocked all the avenues I used to turn to for "inspiration". I have zero interest in unblocking those avenues. So instead I'm just "stewing". All in all this is a weird and unusual space for me.

    Hopefully if I can stay the course until this initial wave of withdrawal is behind me, I'll start to train my brain on how NOT to fap, instead of the pattern I've stuck to for years and years.

    So this could be a really exciting space to be in actually, if it is a moment to start putting down new patterns toward real fulfilment and enjoyment of life, rather than going down the rabbit hole of smut and enslavement to practises which are strangling the life out of me.

    ENGAGE, don't escape. Let's go
    Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Exactly! Very well said, Rudolf.
    path-forward likes this.
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey my dudes

    Went away for a few days, took my foot off the gas with getting back into good routines like journalling and checking in here, so inevitably let one through... Had a bit of internal conflict about getting back on the horse, I had to sort myself out before posting here. I didn't want to write a post here if I was still going to toy with dragging out the relapse. At length basically I came back to the thought that there is no "making peace" with smut, if I dabble it's going to eat up large chunks of my life and I don't want that... so I'm once again nailing my colours to the mast.

    I'm going to reset the counter and go again.
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Good call. I had to do the same thing a few days ago. Well, didn't "have to", but kinda had to. Peeking leaves that feeling of unease that only really goes away when we come clean and stay clean.
    StarWarsFan, Saville and path-forward like this.
  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Shaky start to this streak, still had in my mind that I should go and peek on an unsecured device which I know is sitting in my house. At length I've gone and secured that device. I'm also still not comfortable with the idea that I'm relying so heavily on blockers. On the other hand, I thoroughly support an alcoholic getting rid of all alcohol in his house. It must be "both and". Anyways, staying the course for now.
    Thelongwayhome27 and Saville like this.
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    So. A real fight again. It's tiring, but it's good. If I keep the abstain-binge-repeat cycle going, I am never going to get past this. Having to do deep dives into why one particular fantasy is so appealing and how better to connect with my real emotions and longings in that area, rather than just suppressing those emotions. But man, I've wanted to go back there.

    What's helping me to make better choices:
    • In the moment of the urge, it usually occurs to me the urge is not so strong that I HAVE to go along with it. So it's a case of either going along with it, or making better decisions. Then I think, well, then let me make better decisions. Simple as that.
    • Reminding myself that as much as I want to go back to that one sense of release I had in that fantasy once upon a time... the fallout has wrecked me. It hasn't been worth it. I have chased down that same release multiple times and it's been disappointing. Plus it's cost me hours of time, energy and focus. It makes me wish I had never gone there in the first place. So why go there again now? No, thanks, I'm good. The truth again is: It's poison.
    • This reason is religious so skip it if that's not your bag, baby: The Psalms say over and over, "The fool says in his heart, 'there is no God.'" Now, the Psalms weren't written with atheists in mind, as those were few and far between in those days. No, it is written to those who know all about God but still choose wickedness. In that moment when you choose sin, you're foolishly (stubbornly, immorally) telling yourself God is not here, God is not seeing this, God is not the source of all my benefit. Now that's not who I am or who I want to be. God has made me His child at great expense to Himself on that cross. Even thinking about a bingy, childish, smutty, God-awful fantasy session in those terms is just so unappealing.
    Need to keep up the routines of checking in here and with my in-person support structures or I'm headed for trouble. Let's go - see you later.
    path-forward and Saville like this.
  16. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi Rudolf, I would concentrate on keeping away from P. The problem is that it is ever novel and so one starts looking for more and more stuff, and perhaps for more extreme stuff. As for M and O your religion surely does not forbid it. There may be texts that have been taken to suggest that but for most people with religious beliefs M to O is ok. But for all of us with either an addilcion to P or sex it pays to reboot for 60 or 90 days with no P, M, or O.

    Don't beat yourself up.
  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much for taking the time to post @DBA . Always a real treat when someone posts and offers encouragement. So thank you man.

    I have kept away from P (mostly) for ages. I can't remember the last P binge I had. I might have looked at P once this year? But I keep going back to Psubs ("harmless", fully-clothed social media feeds for example) and fantasy-MO. More FMO than Psubs even. So they fuel one another. Hence why my goal is no peeking and no FMO for three weeks to start with.

    Disclaimer, religious deep dive so skip the rest of the post as necessary: The Bible uses one blanket term for all types of sexual activity outside of marriage - so does this include all forms of solo MO? Maybe it's not a question of "is it forbidden?" but rather "is it helpful?". My answer is absolutely no, solo MO is not helpful. Especially solo FMO. When I am engaging in FMO it ends up clouding my mind, taking more and more of my attention, I find I fall behind with other legitimate forms of resting and unwinding, I fall behind in my tasks etc. I could go on but in practise I have found this ongoing pattern of FMO in my life totally unhelpful. Maybe someone out there is able to compartmentalise and still engage in a pattern of regular MO without P, but I'm not convinced this is helpful in any situation.

    It's interesting that I'm often told that I'm beating myself up the moment I mention religion. And I think that's a fair point when considering most religious worldviews. A lot of religious worldviews say "you should be doing better, then you will have God's acceptance!" Which is obviously nuts, who can perform at that level all the time? We don't even live up to our own standards of how we "ought to" live - how could we offer sinless perfection by God's standards? So one option is to chuck out all religious standards for behaviour and assume God is mostly just ok with how everyone behaves (which doesn't make sense - why then did Jesus have to die?).

    But my understanding of Biblical Christianity is that God says "Jesus did better on your behalf - therefore I accept you! Trust in His performance to save you, not your own." This LESSENS my feelings of guilt and shame, rather than adding to them. I know I'm totally validated as a person and can walk 100% free from guilt and shame, not based on my performance or lack thereof, but on Christ's. So now, naturally I want to use this God-given life, thankfully, joyfully, for what brings the most freedom and thriving. And brother, FMO ain't it!
  18. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi Rudolf, I do not in any way want to impose on your religious views. We all have different views and should be tolerant of the views of others. We are here to support each other. Clearly if FMO interferes with other
    aspects of your life, it is compulsive and so to be avoided. For all of us the problem is the compulsion, whether it is for viewing P, visiting escorts or whatever. It is difficult to overcome compulsions, and the
    hope is that by supporting each other we can help in some way. All the best.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks again @DBA for your top post! Thumbs up and I didn't feel any offence about anything you wrote whatsoever.

    Lots of deep diving, thinking through where I'm at in life and with regards to compulsive behaviour. So I have been quiet on the group but still working through it. Could be better with peeking but could be worse. Hoping to post more in future as I keep working through it.
  20. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi Rudolf, we are all here to support you. It is really difficult overcoming compulsions, but it is clear that they damage our life. They stop us engaging in other interests and interacting with others.

    All the best.

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