Thanks Moz! Some real pangs. Less consistently than last time, like every several hours, I get an urge, strength 7/10, that tries to say I'm really missing out by not engaging in F or looking for smut material. Which is of course a baldy-faced lie. The truth is I haven't felt so good in ages. After a scant 10 days of abstaining from all smut. I feel great. I am spending more time with the kids. I'm more focussed on sorting out the mountain of tasks. I have a game plan. I am connecting with my wife more. I touched my toes. Haha, it's a fitness goal I have had for ages, legs straight, and boom. Now why on God's green earth would I trade that to put my brains in the toilet for four hours until I jerk out an unsatisfying MO? Gah, I'm so sick of the lies! It's total crap. When I put it like that there is NOTHING appealing about the idea of going there. I wish we all, collectively had never bought into this trash and trained our brains on it. All we can do is build from right now and help the next generation.
I'm feeling down today. But not as down as I could be if I were heavily using P. I remember the morning after, having stayed up all night chasing down some fleeting temporary high, feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. Not interested. Acutely feeling like I need to keep my guard up. Already looking forward to setting the next goal after the 18 days. One day at a time.
I wasted some time on F and eventually it led to MO. I thought I felt down *before* acting out! Moped all morning and battled to get going. Once again (as if I needed to re-learn these lessons for the millionth time) I see that there's no such thing as "just one peek", I'm far happier when my mind is on better things, etc, etc, etc.... I didn't want to report it here because of all the good things I've been so vehemently reporting on here. Anyone would feel like a dumbass for saying all those things and then going the totally opposite way in his mind. And that's good. It's good that I feel like a banana for going there. I need to feel that sting again. But then I thought, everything I've said is still true, even if I had another moment of weakness. It's not that I am now unworthy to speak the truth about this addiction. In fact I will double down on the truth yet again. I'm still convinced I've got it on the run. If I look at my tracking, that's not theoretical, it's objective fact. I'm going in a better direction. Of course, I could sabotage that by returning to old ways now, but I'm not in any way planning on doing that. The system is working and I feel the happiest and most clear-headed I have felt in years (except of course, when I returned to the old ways just now). I have had to take an honest look again. Something in me wanted to go there, something in me probably still does. But I've proven to myself for the million-and-first time... say it with me... It's just not worth it! It is in no way satisfying, it's a wild goose chase for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. When you get to the spot, the rainbow has moved off into the horizon. It's chasing vapour, chasing tails. I already have my pot of gold. It's far superior in every way. It's my family, my faith, even my work. That is what I want to enjoy. I'm ok to reset the counter for this. When I started here I was only resetting on heavy P binges. I wouldn't even consider this a relapse on that level. I mean, I didn't even look at any smut, for goodness' sake. But, what I'm tracking is how many days I go without peeking and F. So, I reset. This is progress, even though it means starting from day 0 yet again. In fact I find it liberating to reset and call it a totally clean 11 days, and start again. When I started here in 2019 or whenever, I think 11 days without a single peek or any F at all was unheard of. Let's go again! Every day is crucial. Every day without peeking or F is a win!
I've been there many times. But kudos to you for taking a stand with yourself and resetting. It sure isn't! Indeed. Considering how well you're doing, this is a minor setback. Stay on the track you're on, and things will keep progressing. Have a great day, Rudolf.
I had the same thing last week: I wrote how well things were going again and later that night I acted out. If we would stick our heads in the sand and hide it away (for ourselves) then we give more room to the addiction: the addiction crosses our boundaries. But we both did good: we chose to acknowledge that we did that and wrote about it. We chose to try to understand what we did. With curiosity instead of condemning. In this way we get to know ourselves better and learn to set healthy boundaries in our own behaviour. Let's keep this up! You're journey is very inspirational Rudolf!
From what I see, temptations will come and go, even if the streak gets long. what we build during the process, however, is a positive habit and a strong mind that can say no to our darkside. Yesterday, for example, I had few urges. I think it was due to some chaser effect. In fact, during the weekend, I spent some time with my girl and I guess my mind was asking for more dopamine hits. however, I was able to say no. What we need to remind ourselves is that saying yes to the temptations will not bring anything good to us. Because once you open that door, it becomes much harder to go back into the positive routine. While if you keep that door always close, even if you might temporarily suffer due to urges, you will still feel better than if you said yes again to your darkside. We need to find our internal motivations and remain strong even if it is not easy.
Made good choices all day yesterday, then late at night, caved and went to "peek". Thank God I didn't find anything - really, nothing - and was too tired so I went to sleep. Too close man! This morning I'm facing up to that. I think it's important to come back, think it through and reinforce the decision I'm sticking with, to the point where it hurts. Reminding myself that I'm walking away from this fantasy world is like saying goodbye to something a part of me has enjoyed. I think if you're not feeling the sting of that you aren't making a quality decision to walk away from it. So I'm feeling that sting this morning. I'm walking away from trying to co-opt every attractive woman I see into a petty role-play in my head. But then to remind myself that it's not friends I'm saying goodbye to, it's enemies. This addicition, if I let it have its way, would take my livelihood away from me, and my wife, and my kids, and my joy, and it wouldn't stop until I was in the grave. Far from bringing me some kind of ultimate pleasure, this addiction quite literally wants to kill me. Even though I didn't find anything there, I took a moment to block that "avenue" of looking for smut, so that in a moment of weakness the muscle memory doesn't kick in and I go there again. There are other sites which I haven't visited for over a month and I'm wondering what's happening there from time to time. Good! That is a colossal victory! I have lost touch with sites that tripped me up over and over and over. Read 1 Peter. It says I was bought, not with gold which perishes, but with the blood of Christ. Wow. I mean, gold doesn't even rust - but even gold will pass away. But God saw fit to redeem my soul not with precious metals but with His blood - that substance unique in all the universe. You could traverse the far reaches of space and not find something as valuable as that, with the power to redeem souls. I mean, this stuff will boggle your mind if you let it. This is powerful motivation to capitalise on this one, God-given life while I live - not to peddle it away for utterly worthless pursuits.
Been quiet here for a few days 'cos my head is down, I'm in the trenches, working flat out. I can't say my head has been in the best space so that is why I'm also checking in here. Pretty shaky. I feel like I could go either way. Will schedule in some proper journalling, good reading, and also reach out to someone I know. I have already blocked those sites and apps I would look at, and I've trained myself to HATE going back on that, so I don't know how I would access it anyway. Whatever I spend time on would take ages and be disappointing. But still I feel the old restlessness. I'm trying, gents.
I wrote out the following pre-emptive journal entry, copying it here into YBR. But it still feels touch-and-go! I want to believe it, I do believe it, I just need to translate that belief into action. It's not too difficult. Let's go. You’re going to have a moment before working or sleeping where you will feel like a quick (Lie #1) fap is in order. You may feel like it will help you rest (Lie #2), or that it’s so good you can’t leave it alone (Lie #3). Truth #1 - Not quick. Takes years. Do you want to waste, waste, waste more years, reap more death, death, death? God help me, it’s not worth it. Truth #2 - To fall asleep listen to a lo-fi playlist. Read good theology - you love it. Anything else is better than P. Even watch a movie. Play a 3rd person shooter you haven't played in a while. Anything. Truth #3 - It’s not so good. I can remember maybe 2 “satisfying” experiences down the rabbit hole this year. Those “best” sessions ONLY serve to keep me in chains and make me feel low the rest of the time. The low is much lower, and longer, than the high you "get". Overall even with those experiences I would have been higher for real without them. And, that’s 2 quick experiences at the cost of easily dozens of unsatisfying hours chasing the white rabbit. Not worth it. Conclusion. Don’t be a total fool. ‘Cos you don’t have to be! You can have a great evening. The way to have a lousy evening is to go down the rabbit hole.
I did it. Exactly that. Was jonesing hard, but kept myself occupied until I was just too tired. Success. I'm hoping I will be more trained on this type of behaviour than the old ways I've gone back to for years and years. It took journalling in the afternoon and then revisiting it here in the evening. Still need to keep reaching out and all that good stuff.
Well done! I'm fighting the same battles, and you're right: we have to keep training ourselves to let urges pass and not let any chinks in the armor grow. They will repair themselves if we just let them.
Today I am not feeling like going down the rabbit hole much... it isn't all that appealing to me today. But I still feel like something is missing. Does that make sense? It's obviously that "low", fomo feeling which P itself creates. In all my research it's a withdrawal symptom that does actually go away to a large extent, IF you don't keep scratching the itch. My conclusion is that the worst thing I could do would be to go back on the ground I have taken. Really stressed out by the financial thing, it's a rollercoaster. Just got to keep plodding through and find ways to make some extra bank and live within our means. But it's not an easy one. I am thankful that I really feel like my partners & employers have me and my family's best interests at heart, & that I am adding value, but if it's not in the budget to pay fairly large employee increases... I remain in a pickle. There is talk of a salary adjustment so I need to see whether that puts me ahead after tax etc. And meanwhile to finish off some billable tasks in my side business & potentially do some marketing...! Everything takes time. And energy. And focus. All things considered I'm amazed I haven't crawled down the P crapper in the last couple of days. The big barrier is that the thought of uninstalling my blockers etc just seems like taking huge back steps and that is so unappealing right now. Then I'd have to trawl for an indeterminate length of time, always longer than I intend to, for an unsatisfying ending. Then the cycle repeats. No. Screw that, not buying it. Also what's rad is this forum makes me want to open my computer to do the right thing - to get to work. The support here, just knowing there are people checking in, relating with what I'm facing. It makes it feel like a win for me is a win for all of us, and vice versa when one of y'all have a good day. But it's been great to have checking in here, and journalling, in my routine to kick off a work session. Makes me actually look forward to getting to work.
Very true. Addiction is a good example of a Catch-22. This kind of reasoning has been helpful at times for me. I know that even if I get some ''strong gratification'', that comes with a cost. But even more so, very often the gratification is a pale version of what I expect or hope for. Sometimes it can even be terrible. Just not worth it. Yea I can relate to this as well. I'm kind of feeling something like this today. Just this feeling of a slight melancholia or something in the background.
