A New Decade - Let's Go

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rudolf Geyse, Oct 17, 2021.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I did this for years with my taxes. I chronically filed my taxes late. I once went 4 years without filing. I got audited and ended up paying the government thousands in back taxes. It was always so much easier to look for distractions. I found an accountant after that to help clean up the mess. I thought I had to do everything myself, but there are people out there who can help us.

    I'm a senior citizen and I'm still learning. I hope that will always be the case. :)

    This is a great way. Be active on your own journal and the journals of others. As we give, we receive.

    Great stuff!
     
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    A marked improvement. 19 days without reporting relapse seems much more doable than a few months ago. The battle continues. One strike and I reset.

    I listened to a helpful podcast where Carey Nieuhof was talking about avoiding burnout. He mentioned creating margin in 5 areas: Financial, relational (are you finding time to connect with people), emotional (are you snapping at your kids etc), physical, spiritual.

    I had financial margin for about 2 years and it was glorious. Since I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum now, and I'm trying to claw back some margin there, I think it will be helpful to look at the other areas.

    I think "spiritual" is banging on all cylinders - Bible reading and prayer is up. Physical was doing good in 2022, but has gone out the window, need to incorporate some workouts again. Relational is ok but will keep trying to find quality time with wife, kids, friends. This journey against P has got me reaching out more to brothers. Emotionally to recharge batteries I turn to entertainment, could be helpful to broaden that to getting outside etc - will dovetail with physical if I start road running again.
     
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  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Another clean day, which is another win.

    The cart is loaded. Too much to get to in one day. On top of the tasks I had, the re is other pressure - fielding some health issues slowing my wife down, our domestic worker is on leave etc. One thing at a time. Prioritise, execute.
     
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  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I relapsed. First reported relapse in 2023. Not cool.

    This is a good time to take stock: I'm now reporting relapses once every 2-3 weeks, occasionally getting up to 4. I know there are many out there who would say I don't have a P problem, based on those numbers. But I can't accept it. i) It means my mind is still in the gutter for several days before and/or after the relapses. ii) The relapses have unhelpful consequences, they can be lengthy and bingy, a terrible use of time. Example: I am tired today cos of lack of sleep, with too much to do. Don't want. iii) It goes against my beliefs and values of who I want to be. iv) It's secretive, ie. dishonest. v) It Each time I use, it strings along the unhelpful neural pathways and addictive behaviours, prolonging it, and it's already been enough years. vi) All for an escape and a momentary unfulfilling, unsatisfying "high". Costing me a lower "low" the resting of the time, taking a toll on my overall happiness and working against good productivity. Not worth it!

    So I'm going to stay the course and hopefully keep taking real ground. I relapsed when taking my foot off the gas with this stuff, as triggers hit, like thinking I deserve a release while my wife is unavailable to me (although I know she'll gladly help with at least an HJ anytime - I should lean into that rather)... so let's go. Write, block, read, reach out. Write - metascript journalling to help me deal with stress and triggers in a helpful way. Block - those same old avenues that tempt me each time, just give myself some extra hurdles, always helpful. Read - expose myself to helpful materials. Reach out - I have been intentionally trying to connect with others who can help on the road, bringing in my church community, brothers, and working on closeness with my wife.

    There's a reason my goal is no peeking and no fantasy. That is always where the door opens up to a full-blown relapse. I would love to nip each relapse in the bud. I have only been resetting the counter on relapses but maybe I should experiment with resetting on each time I get caught up in a session of peeking or fantasizing, even if it doesn't go to MO/relapse. But again, it's about consistently making wise choices in the day-to-day, more than it's about numbers on a counter.

    Let's go
     
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  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's one of the reason I never used a counter. I wanted my journey to unfold in a more organic way. A counter is neither good, nor bad. Whatever works, I say.
     
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  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Jonesing a little today, it keeps popping up. "The chaser." As predicted, it doesn't "get it out of your system" to act out, it greases the waterslide and makes you want to slide away down the smut pit over and over again. What's keeping me from doing that chiefly is mountains of tasks right now. I know it will be more painful to try to dodge work, than to start digging through it. Well, whatever works for now, let's get stuck in then.

    I'm going to be a bit more relaxed with other goals (productivity, trying to get other routines off the ground) for three weeks. I want to put a little more focus into getting this monkey off my back, even if other things slide a little at first. I feel like trying to cover too many bases is also bringing me back to P too often, causing me to take my foot off the gas there. One major thing at time. So my focus for the next three weeks will be no P or Psubs, no F and just the real "hardline" tasks which I can't afford to leave undone.

    Remember: It's never "just one peek".
     
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    That's a fact.
     
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  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    It's a real fight at the moment - but I'm doing the thing, fighting the fight instead of rolling over and caving. The irony is that this immediately makes me feel better than if I just caved! Lots of private journalling. I'll probably share some of it here moving forward. Staying the course for now.
     
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  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Having the same struggles myself, Rudolf. But you're so right; not caving is difficult in the moment, but the payoff is very satisfying. Way more satisfying than falling down.
     
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  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    More of the same. I'm resolving not to peek or fantasise today. That's all, that's the post.
     
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey gang. Been a little while. Got caught up with life. At first I was doing great, very productive and feeling great about the ground I've taken against PMO. But I see that the moment I take my foot off the gas here, a thought can creep back in, and if I don't take the time to deal with it properly, boom, that's all it takes. I relapsed again. Another really ugly, bingey session. The counter seems to not be displaying, but will reset it now anyway.

    This is what my life is going to look like for a while:
    • Daily check-ins. When I'm checking in, I've found it's overall been easy enough to stay the course and meet my initial targets for streaks. I don't feel like it's white-knuckling, just reminding myself of the better path all the time. I have learned so many lessons even in this short time again that I can post to keep reminding myself of these things. When I stop though, a relapse is inevitable.
    • I'm going to keep leaning into my support structures and looking for ways to build openly with brothers. This is a key ingredient.
    • Will I ever be able to let my guard down? Will I ever be able to rewire my default behaviour? Will I ever lose a taste for those fantasies? God, I hope so. But for the time being more of the above without letting up.
     
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    A lifestyle of repetitive solo MO is bullshit!

    This is bullshit! It's NOT satisfying!

    At no point in the most recent exercise did I feel like I was satisfied.

    It's death! Death to my cash! Death to my reputation. Death to my performance. Death to my productivity. Death to my testimony. Death to my witness. Death to my time. Death to my most valuable resources.

    I feel like a kid who has just smoked a whole pack of cigarettes and wants to vomit.

    Just ranting, feeling it strongly. Let me snap out of it and get busy with my giant To-Do list.
     
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  13. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to let you know that I read your post and that I can relate to what you are going through.
     
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  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    When the power of our disgust over letting this habit hang on is greater than the addiction's power, we are winning. It may not feel like it sometimes, Rudolf, but you are winning way more battles than not, and you will win the war!
     
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  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Fighting a bit of a battle here, boys, but making some better choices again. Also reaching out to several brothers around me here, mostly from church. It's helpful. stay the course everyone
     
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  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I've upped the journalling, multiple times a day, and am asking for prayer from brothers at church, which has all put my head in a much better space. Lately I'm moving from a flight response into a mindset which says, "Ok, today I'm going to do x and y and z, it's going to be great." It's a better outlook. I still have a mountain to climb but I'm slowly getting back into a proactive space.

    I really regret my most recent binge. It opened a door to all kinds of thoughts and fantasy ideas. It's taken too much energy and attention to come back from that really unhelpful headspace. Oh well. All I can do is do better from today; learn from it; use it as motivation not to waste my life on chasing after what doesn't satisfy.
     
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