I did this for years with my taxes. I chronically filed my taxes late. I once went 4 years without filing. I got audited and ended up paying the government thousands in back taxes. It was always so much easier to look for distractions. I found an accountant after that to help clean up the mess. I thought I had to do everything myself, but there are people out there who can help us. I'm a senior citizen and I'm still learning. I hope that will always be the case. This is a great way. Be active on your own journal and the journals of others. As we give, we receive. Great stuff!
A marked improvement. 19 days without reporting relapse seems much more doable than a few months ago. The battle continues. One strike and I reset. I listened to a helpful podcast where Carey Nieuhof was talking about avoiding burnout. He mentioned creating margin in 5 areas: Financial, relational (are you finding time to connect with people), emotional (are you snapping at your kids etc), physical, spiritual. I had financial margin for about 2 years and it was glorious. Since I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum now, and I'm trying to claw back some margin there, I think it will be helpful to look at the other areas. I think "spiritual" is banging on all cylinders - Bible reading and prayer is up. Physical was doing good in 2022, but has gone out the window, need to incorporate some workouts again. Relational is ok but will keep trying to find quality time with wife, kids, friends. This journey against P has got me reaching out more to brothers. Emotionally to recharge batteries I turn to entertainment, could be helpful to broaden that to getting outside etc - will dovetail with physical if I start road running again.
Another clean day, which is another win. The cart is loaded. Too much to get to in one day. On top of the tasks I had, the re is other pressure - fielding some health issues slowing my wife down, our domestic worker is on leave etc. One thing at a time. Prioritise, execute.
I relapsed. First reported relapse in 2023. Not cool. This is a good time to take stock: I'm now reporting relapses once every 2-3 weeks, occasionally getting up to 4. I know there are many out there who would say I don't have a P problem, based on those numbers. But I can't accept it. i) It means my mind is still in the gutter for several days before and/or after the relapses. ii) The relapses have unhelpful consequences, they can be lengthy and bingy, a terrible use of time. Example: I am tired today cos of lack of sleep, with too much to do. Don't want. iii) It goes against my beliefs and values of who I want to be. iv) It's secretive, ie. dishonest. v) It Each time I use, it strings along the unhelpful neural pathways and addictive behaviours, prolonging it, and it's already been enough years. vi) All for an escape and a momentary unfulfilling, unsatisfying "high". Costing me a lower "low" the resting of the time, taking a toll on my overall happiness and working against good productivity. Not worth it! So I'm going to stay the course and hopefully keep taking real ground. I relapsed when taking my foot off the gas with this stuff, as triggers hit, like thinking I deserve a release while my wife is unavailable to me (although I know she'll gladly help with at least an HJ anytime - I should lean into that rather)... so let's go. Write, block, read, reach out. Write - metascript journalling to help me deal with stress and triggers in a helpful way. Block - those same old avenues that tempt me each time, just give myself some extra hurdles, always helpful. Read - expose myself to helpful materials. Reach out - I have been intentionally trying to connect with others who can help on the road, bringing in my church community, brothers, and working on closeness with my wife. There's a reason my goal is no peeking and no fantasy. That is always where the door opens up to a full-blown relapse. I would love to nip each relapse in the bud. I have only been resetting the counter on relapses but maybe I should experiment with resetting on each time I get caught up in a session of peeking or fantasizing, even if it doesn't go to MO/relapse. But again, it's about consistently making wise choices in the day-to-day, more than it's about numbers on a counter. Let's go
That's one of the reason I never used a counter. I wanted my journey to unfold in a more organic way. A counter is neither good, nor bad. Whatever works, I say.
Jonesing a little today, it keeps popping up. "The chaser." As predicted, it doesn't "get it out of your system" to act out, it greases the waterslide and makes you want to slide away down the smut pit over and over again. What's keeping me from doing that chiefly is mountains of tasks right now. I know it will be more painful to try to dodge work, than to start digging through it. Well, whatever works for now, let's get stuck in then. I'm going to be a bit more relaxed with other goals (productivity, trying to get other routines off the ground) for three weeks. I want to put a little more focus into getting this monkey off my back, even if other things slide a little at first. I feel like trying to cover too many bases is also bringing me back to P too often, causing me to take my foot off the gas there. One major thing at time. So my focus for the next three weeks will be no P or Psubs, no F and just the real "hardline" tasks which I can't afford to leave undone. Remember: It's never "just one peek".
It's a real fight at the moment - but I'm doing the thing, fighting the fight instead of rolling over and caving. The irony is that this immediately makes me feel better than if I just caved! Lots of private journalling. I'll probably share some of it here moving forward. Staying the course for now.
Having the same struggles myself, Rudolf. But you're so right; not caving is difficult in the moment, but the payoff is very satisfying. Way more satisfying than falling down.
Hey gang. Been a little while. Got caught up with life. At first I was doing great, very productive and feeling great about the ground I've taken against PMO. But I see that the moment I take my foot off the gas here, a thought can creep back in, and if I don't take the time to deal with it properly, boom, that's all it takes. I relapsed again. Another really ugly, bingey session. The counter seems to not be displaying, but will reset it now anyway. This is what my life is going to look like for a while: Daily check-ins. When I'm checking in, I've found it's overall been easy enough to stay the course and meet my initial targets for streaks. I don't feel like it's white-knuckling, just reminding myself of the better path all the time. I have learned so many lessons even in this short time again that I can post to keep reminding myself of these things. When I stop though, a relapse is inevitable. I'm going to keep leaning into my support structures and looking for ways to build openly with brothers. This is a key ingredient. Will I ever be able to let my guard down? Will I ever be able to rewire my default behaviour? Will I ever lose a taste for those fantasies? God, I hope so. But for the time being more of the above without letting up.
A lifestyle of repetitive solo MO is bullshit! This is bullshit! It's NOT satisfying! At no point in the most recent exercise did I feel like I was satisfied. It's death! Death to my cash! Death to my reputation. Death to my performance. Death to my productivity. Death to my testimony. Death to my witness. Death to my time. Death to my most valuable resources. I feel like a kid who has just smoked a whole pack of cigarettes and wants to vomit. Just ranting, feeling it strongly. Let me snap out of it and get busy with my giant To-Do list.
Just wanted to let you know that I read your post and that I can relate to what you are going through.
When the power of our disgust over letting this habit hang on is greater than the addiction's power, we are winning. It may not feel like it sometimes, Rudolf, but you are winning way more battles than not, and you will win the war!
Fighting a bit of a battle here, boys, but making some better choices again. Also reaching out to several brothers around me here, mostly from church. It's helpful. stay the course everyone
I've upped the journalling, multiple times a day, and am asking for prayer from brothers at church, which has all put my head in a much better space. Lately I'm moving from a flight response into a mindset which says, "Ok, today I'm going to do x and y and z, it's going to be great." It's a better outlook. I still have a mountain to climb but I'm slowly getting back into a proactive space. I really regret my most recent binge. It opened a door to all kinds of thoughts and fantasy ideas. It's taken too much energy and attention to come back from that really unhelpful headspace. Oh well. All I can do is do better from today; learn from it; use it as motivation not to waste my life on chasing after what doesn't satisfy.
Here at 7 days with no peeking, and no fantasy, I'm loving life. All the challenges are still there but just going one day, one task at a time, I feel more confident and more competent. I don't know what's going to happen, but between my confidence in God and just knowing I am able to face up to it without a deceitful, escapist mindset, bring it on. I enjoy my wife more when I am not filling my head with turd... I set my affections on her and she's really awesome.
It's going to happen. Somewhere between now and day 18 I'm going to get that hankering. An image from the last binge has stuck with me. I'm going to think, "why not explore that again?" The thought will be elating. So here's why I'm going to stay the course instead: I know that's going to take hours of my life. Either I will have an O that feels satisfying for just one moment, which will prolong the cycle and draw me back there yet again, or, more likely, I won't be satisfied, which will cause an even stronger pull to spend more time in smut, away from my responsibilities and true loves. It's not worth it. If I explore more smut, I will one again lose my confidence and enjoyment of my work days. I mean, I'm loving my work day today. The work may be daunting and/or tedious, but I can do it - without being overdramatic, I am a warrior, for goodness' sake - I fight and win wars which add value to my life and to everyone around me. Good music, good coffee, ticking tasks off my list, and enjoying the benefits thereof. I want to do this for the rest of my life. Time spent on smut is no escape, it will only increase my stress. I feel totally amped to lean into my relationship with my wife. We had a great spontaneous time together in the night this week. We both loved it. Time spent on P is always far better spent pursuing a real-world long-term connection with another human being. The alternatives are far more enjoyable. Watch a great show, read a great book, have a great workout, drink some great whiskey, spend time with my great kids, the possibilities for enjoyment are endless. If I compare the false "elation" of chasing down a fantasy binge, and the elation of the above - give me real-world enjoyment, man, far more fulfilling.
Yes, I knew it. On cue. The urges have popped up. Not very strong, like 2/10, but pretty consistent, like thoughts pop up at least every hour. I think fantasy is the most insidious temptation. It's always there, you don't even have to be behind a screen. And it can appropriate whatever else you might see or think of during the day, to try and twist that towards a session/binge. I'm not going to go along with it. I've already experienced what it is like to go down that rabbit hole and it has always left me unsatisfied. No matter how enticing the thought might be, that has always been the end result. What I haven't experienced for years is consistently breaking through the urge, mastering it, instead of being mastered by it. That's what I want to experience on this streak. I know the fulfilment is far, far better from a life free of that b.s. repetition of vomit-level fantasy. I'm going to keep reminding myself of these things. Nearly halfway to my current goal of a completely clean 18 days. Let's go!
Halfway to the current goal. NO peeking, NO fantasy. A totally clean week, and one of the best (not easiest, but best) I can remember. I don't want to celebrate too early but it feels as if the monster is dying. This is where I might open up some tabs and rattle the blockers because I'm "doing well" and "why not". But that would be resuscitating the monster. Will keep checking in instead.
