Thanks gents, I like to have 100% clean streaks. Knowing that I have been free from going there at all is more meaningful to me than high numbers on streaks in which I have been borderline multiple times. Was tempted here on day 2. Fortunately having restricted my access gave me time to think: Do I want to figure out creative ways to go back to smut which I know - I am hundred percent convinced - will not satisfy? Or, do I want to build a life free from P, and even develop healthy systems to overcome it which I can then share with my sons or anyone else I come into contact with who might be battling with this, helping them to live free from this cancer as well? The fact is, we are not losing anything if we avoid PMO! We are only gaining! That's what I want. I want this streak to skyrocket into triple digits. More than that, I want each P-free day to be full of creative life, full of better decisions, full of productive "bricks" in the building of a life that truly satisfies. No thanks P subs. We will not be peeking. We will not be wasting our synapses on smutty F. We will be surging forward into a full and awesome life, navigating the lows, loving the highs, going for it.
Very powerful. It is good to speak out (or write down) those thought patterns that almost unconciously pass our minds and counteract them with a powerful devotion
New year, pushing in to the new me. The old me loves short-term comfort and pleasure and would keep using even though using doesn't provide either - it prolongs discomfort and keeps me feeling low 24/7. The new me loves long-term, true, rich, meaningful comfort and pleasure and embraces short-term discomfort in pursuit of long-term gains. So I will keep pushing in to my strategy: write, block, read, reach out.
The goal here is to move from regret over a pattern of PMO after the deed in hindsight, which everyone here already has, to avoiding and dismantling the pattern of PMO before the deed in advance. Harness the feeling of regret after a solo MO session, call it up when you are considering doing it again.
When I really feeling like pulling the pud I try to call up previous joys. Regret can be motivating, but it can also be demotivating, imo.
Yes, @Saville - good. I could use both, why not? I think you are on to something. I could remember the regret I had after the last session and think, why go there again? And then immediately think of things far more joyous, intriguing, and exciting than the PMO pit.
Happy new year, brothers... may it be a good one and free of destructive patterns. Feeling twitchy today... I have been dodging work, and that is legitimate between Christmas and New Year's I think. But now I'll need to start putting my foot on the gas again. Everything feels demanding, work, family, marriage. The right response is not to escape through P which is destructive but to prioritise, begin tackling what I can, and find enjoyment in work, family, marriage, rather than trying to escape it. Any effort I put in will be well worth it.
First day back at my desk. Immediately a vague sense that I should have "one for the road" instead of working. Only it's never just "one", it will keep me there for the rest of my life if it gets its way. Instead I will keep reminding myself of the truth, and plug away at hopefully getting on top of my priorities this year like never before. Imagine a life where I'm ahead of the curve rather than behind it. Where I get through what I need to and enjoy relaxation from a position of strength. PMO will take me away from this ideal. I actually enjoy a good day's work. There is no reason to escape it. Engaging with it is the way! Don't escape, engage.
I realised once I have started working and hit something of a flow state, the urge disappears. This means that the urge is only lasting for maybe 15 minutes at a time. Good to remind ourselves of this when urging. There is temptation to think the urge will be ongoing and we won't be able to resist forever, so why not cave. But all it takes is 15 min of making right decisions and then the urge goes away again. --- Great article here: https://www.crossway.org/articles/5-myths-about-porn/
Good stuff. I've found that immersing myself in either work, music, chores, or anything other than porn, causes urges to dissipate or disappear. I have tried to subscribe to the "surf the urge" method, where I am aware of the urges when they appear, and just ride them out. That can be a double-edged sword though, especially if riding them out involves thinking of them. So, the flow you speak of, where just focusing on the task in front of us, is a more effective way of looking at it. Nice work, Rudolf!
Staying the course for the most part so far. Started down a path of P subs but stopped myself in time. I know the recovery process is hampered by these slips. Need to double down.
I'm really glad when I look at my signature. Streaks of 14, 15, 13, 29, plus my current 13 means I have reported 4 relapses in 3 months. That's a lot of relapse-free days. Still room for improvement though. Had a nice intimate time with my wife yesterday. This is big, because while we still are just scraping by financially, I feel like I am unworthy of approaching her to initiate sexy exciting times. This is of course, nonsense. So I was glad that we pushed through and enjoyed that time together. Here is a pre-emptive entry I wrote in my personal journal yesterday knowing to expect the chaser: "I am likely going to feel the urge stronger than usual. Remember - the old me loves escape, thinks I am deserving of anything, is ungrateful for what I have, and is happy to throw everything including myself under the bus to not have to deal with life. The new me loves Jesus, loves life, embraces discomfort to achieve the Mission, and invests into long-term pleasure rather than short-term pleasure. When it hits, I will stick to plan: Write / Block / Read / Reach Out. And get busy with my long list, leaving me in a far better state at the end of today / this week than when I started."
Super stressful couple of days. I had a payment bounce because of lack of funds. This is by far the most stressful season I can remember. I should be thankful that I still have a couple of options to buy some time for a couple of months. Even with huge financial pressure life doesn't look all that bad, could be worse. I still have my family, my faith. I'm not always responding well to the stress, but I am still committed to avoiding all peeking and fantasy of the "mind-consuming" kind, through 18 days, then 21, and I'll feel happier about it if I can get to a month... but maybe I shouldn't worry about those figures and just take it one day at a time, and aim to make good choices in the moment. Onward
At the moment I'm "checking in" about 3 times a day - here, in a private journal and also practically - blocking avenues I know I've exploited before, reaching out to some brothers in person to keep up contact, prayer, meditation on Scripture etc. Today is a big one - I need to tackle my financial situation head on and see what plans are to be made, also I have a big project I need to get out by Monday. So the strategy is around coping with the stress and keeping the mission moving forward.
You will find a way through your finances. You are an honest man and when we do the honest and right thing then good things happen. Be open with your wife about what's going on, if she asks, and know that you are a man of integrity who can through any ordeal, big or small.
Thanks for the kind words @Saville . My wife is on board with me which is great because I really feel like we are a team. However it means we both bear the stress of it. I think we are going to be ok. But, it is going to be a demanding season, for who knows how long. Generally feeling down, today is no exception. What's helping is taking time to check in, get my mind into a better space, pray etc. Last night I certainly would have slipped back into old habits. Strong urges. The extra work put into blocking old unhelpful go-to's did the trick. Once again it just gave me the time to think, "I don't want to go back to a life of smut." I am actually amazed at the result, staying clean another day, a real break from old unhelpful ways.
Another good day behind me. Been keeping fairly productive, getting some rest in, still have a mountain to climb this year, but as my wife reminded me: You eat an elephant one bite at a time. Let's go. There is a fantasy idea that has been lingering in my head for about a week that I have kept chasing away without acting on. After caving so much in my life I'm actually glad to still have unexplored avenues to resist, does that make sense? It means I still haven't given myself completely to each and every degrading thought that comes along. But it's sort of a new experience for me in that I'm very much used to caving to these and going down a long rabbit hole of exploring the fantasy. (I am more obsessive with this than I realised.) I could almost start to think that it would be better to just "get it out of my system", binge out the fantasy and then move on. But again, I know that is B.S. It's never "getting it out of your system". Going along with this type of time-consuming fantasy thinking is what keeps the addiction going - keeps it IN your system. Let me really keep trying other helpful strategies this time and ride it out until it loses its "pull".
Still up against that same urge. Trying to tackle it head on with good journalling etc. It is obvious that it has nothing good to give me, it's petty, it's false, it will lead me down a bad rabbit hole, no thank you. This year I've realised how much of my work avoidance is due to fear! I have been afraid of facing up to the budget, so I have dodged it. Some of my work has components outside of my control and curve balls pop up all the time, so I've been avoiding it. This is of course counter-intuitive - it's much better to tackle it head-on! Instead I would often turn to P or F as a means of dialling out. Amazing what I'm still learning about myself at 41. One remedy against fear is of course to journal it out, straighten out my thoughts on the page. Helps me to face up to it. Does anyone relate/have suggestions?
