Worst day of the year. I realised my finances are in an ever tighter position than I thought. Too many extra unforeseen expenses. And then also too many delays on one client's project deliverables, they are getting very impatient. Just trying to field it, salvage what I can and make the best use of time. But it's hard. Also in the back of my head I am wrecked when I think of the time wasted on P, F, Psubs... whole days wasted this year on that. Where would I be if I hadn't? Nothing I can do about the past, just gotta make better choices in the moment and try to manage this thing. With lots of prayer. As bad as things are, I can always make it worse by relapsing. I'm committed to making the change, it would be total foolishness to proceed with the same behaviour.
At peak stress levels. Thoughts: It doesn't help to stress about it but to do what we can in a day. this helped me to overcome the flight response earlier and get busy with tasks. Productive morning so far but still the urge to run away. It manifests like exhaustion, and wanting to physically curl up. Can't do it. Will continue progressing with work. I need to get back to fighting the urge to peek and fantasize at trigger time, which is before naps and bedtime in the eve. But man, it's just a case of trying to get through what's directly in front of me at the moment, I don't feel like I have bandwidth for other battles.
Thanks @Saville . Some light at the end of the tunnel? Hopefully some bucks will come in in the next days. I also think I have salvaged that deal - still going be a drag out to the finish though. I was hoping to get some downtime before Christmas. Oh well. It will be worth it for the eventual cash injection. And I can take it at my pace over the next week, I hope. I have become quite good at ensuring I get enough rest in the week, anyway. Did some good journalling about why I am avoiding the enslavement of Psubs and F before sleeping. A soldier doesn't need civilian comfort in order to win the war. Let's go
Rudolf, I'm dealing with the flight response myself. There are several extremely difficult challenges at work that involve conflict with contractors and vendors we work with. There is a lot of money at stake, and I feel like all the weight of solving the problems is on my shoulders. So what do we do in these situations? Well, we know what NOT to do, which is to give in to the addiction. It will just make things worse. Much worse. We just tackle each task, deal with the conflicts, and find ways of relaxing we know are healthier for us. I know this is not a revelation, but if you just know that you are not alone in this struggle, and that the overwhelm will dissipate with time, hopefully there is some comfort there. I'm sure you are really busy because you are really good at what you do, and are respected for that. Hang in there!
@Mozenjo ! Thank you sir for the post. Last night I had the same old urge but had done some pre-emptive journalling which helped. Right at the critical moment I happened to be good-to-go, but instead of making the wrong decision and indulging, I rolled over to hold onto my wife instead. I think I was asleep in seconds. There is no need for fantasy/solo MO. Here is that pre-emptive entry: Pre-emptive entry for naps and bedtimes: I am likely to think it will be helpful to indulge in fantasy or worse, for a quick release to help me to fall asleep straight away. It doesn’t work. I) It is not helpful, it is harmful. It is a crutch which millions don’t need and neither should I. A soldier can’t rely on comforts to win the war. The more I use, the more is it is locking me into something which is hurting my relationship with God, my wife, my kids, my church, everybody. It is hurting my bank account, my use of time. II) It is not quick. It is eating up a portion of my rest time. It is dragging on for I think over 20 years now! It is not quick. It is prolonged enslavement. III) There are much better ways to fall asleep. Choose one you LOVE. As for today, I have a crapload of work to get through, already looks like an all-nighter. Too many interruptions already this morning. I can either respond with frustration and try to escape reality (not an option if I know what's good for me right now), or, I can start to pick away at it and hopefully, no, definitely cross at least some tasks off the list. Let's do it.
I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel was an oncoming train. Bank accounts look even worse than I was previously led to believe. This is immensely stressful. Escape (P) is not an option. Thank God, it could always be worse. I have some options and some time to hopefully sort it out, even if those options aren't attractive. Onward
You got this @Rudolf Geyse! As you said, P-use will only make things worse. I'd like to add that the longer you stay away from fantasy, porn and masturbation the better choices you make and the better solutions you will find
Thank you @Gil79 , I need the encouragement. One day at a time at the moment. I'm doing as well as can be expected I think. Glad I'm staying away from P. I wish I were as disciplined when things are going well. I guess sometimes a wake-up call is good, even if it's hard. Peace brothers
26 days without reporting a relapse. Some urges but overall at this moment it seems easy to have got this far. Last night I was about to rattle the blockers and I sad out loud, "I don't actually want to do that." So I shut down and went to bed. Long may this streak last. I have my sights set on 42 days and I can do it.
Came across some borderline materials innocently enough, started browsing and wanted to get through the whole stack, but I already didn't like where it was taking me in my mind and it was going to eat up more time than I wanted (as usual with P subs), so I got rid of it. Sounds like I need to do some proactive steps to take the curve back in the right direction - journalling, good reading, reach out to someone.
Yes, that curve can be more like a cliff! I am right there with you, Rudolf. Let's set the ship back on the right course.
Still not so happy with where my brain is at. I think work is wearing on me, really trying to function against holiday mode here. If I can get through the big ones by the weekend then I can take some proper time out. Lingering on unhelpful thoughts again. Gotta get the nose up! I have a system, if I don't want to report a relapse I need to double down on the system and stick to it. Well over halfway to my next goal, let's stay the course!
Ok, I FMO'd. It happened. I'm resetting the counter. The curve looks better, let me keep improving. I'm looking forward to starting the new year already on a good streak, no peeking, no F.
It's up to you, but I think you can keep your counter intact. You weren't perfect in your streak, but you didn't look at P. Cut yourself some slack on this one, imo.
Yeah, it's definitely up to you, Rudolf, but having just woken up with the "do I count my December as a failure?" question, I decided to forgive myself for not being as perfect as I wanted. Sure, cutting ourselves some slack can lead to slacking off some more, but what I found this morning is that part of my problem is being so unforgiving of myself. If you didn't look at pixels, I'd say you did better than I did. Maybe the mild subs I watched are better than P, M or O, but they are still pixels. So, let's stop punishing ourselves and move on.
