Jonesing a little today, got to thinking... I don't actually want a solo MO. It's not satisfying or even appealing to have a solo MO. And I definitely don't want P. There is no P source that is fulfilling or satisfying. No P source can churn out enough "good", novel smut, quickly enough to satisfy a constant string of P sessions. What I actually want is for the feeling of wanting a satisfying solo MO to go away. That is why I have kept doing this for years. A solo MO makes the feeling go away for a short while. Sometimes when the MO isn't satisfying, the feeling doesn't even go away for more than a couple of seconds! So the correct way to get rid of the feeling of wanting a solo MO, is not to indulge, but to leave it alone and do something else. And this has to be the routine for the next hours, days, weeks and years. All accounts point to more enjoyment from real life when we starve that feeling. Anything, any activity is better than going along with the urge to MO. Because, as stated above, the MO will not satisfy but will prolong the void, the low feeling, the withdrawal, whatever you want to call it. Even pondering this stuff is better than going along with the urge. Wasting a morning on video games and general laziness is not the greatest use of a Saturday - but it is a thousand times better than going along with the urge and trying to fap it out! I know these things, but it helps to articulate them. I honestly don't want to MO. So I won't. Til next time, let's go.
No relapse but a constant wrestle with some downs (lingering on thoughts I shouldn't) and ups (making better decisions in the moment, rattling the blockers and feeling great about not viewing when I confirm the blockers are intact). My serious triggers are going to be as usual (i) before bedtime after my wife is asleep, (ii) the upcoming 12 to 18 days part of the streak, and (iii) a busy stressful week which will either leave me too busy to act out, or will stress me in the direction of escapism. I want to do some pre-emptive journalling for the evenings: Lie: I deserve it, it's been a while. Truth: "It" is destructive and holding me in a low, distracted, sub-optimal level of living, focus and productivity. Do I deserve that? No thank you, I don't want it. No matter how long since I put myself in chains, I don't want to go back and put myself in chains again. Lie: This will help me sleep. Truth: Billions of people sleep just fine without an O to help them. I'd rather put some great relaxing music in my headphones, or soak in the tub, or read a paper book, or a thousand other things, even productive things if I'm up for it, than keep myself feeling low and missing out on life, for the sake of an O which is fleeting, unsatisfying and may or may not leave me feeling drowsy. Lie: Attainable fantasy, freely available, easy to source. Truth: It's trash, the search for it will 9 times out of ten leave me frustrated and looking for things I wasn't interested in at the start. If it's so great why do I feel the need to delete it immediately afterward? It's trash. I'd much rather hold onto my wife. She is immediate and attractive, irresistible even. We'll get to an intimate time soon enough. Let me rather put energy into that. I'm visualising getting to sleep by a set time, then jumping up at the first alarm tomorrow morning and grabbing coffee, starting the new day.
RG I think you know your next step, but instead of taking it you keep doing the same things (blockers, stating mantras, intellectualizing and white-knuckling). Those are some basic building blocks and tools but you're ready for some tools that are higher voltage. I strongly believe that honest relationships that address lust and pornography are integral to recovery and living a fulfilling life of integrity. They don't cost anything (Celebrate Recovery), or very little (a coffee or a meal with a safe person/ discipleship relationship). And I gotta call BS on the time investment negatively impacting your family. A healthy and reasonable investment in YOU will definitely benefit your wife and kids as they will be blessed by a healthy YOU. I don't mean any of of that to be harsh, just an outside perspective I wanted to offer.
Buckling under financial pressure at the moment. God knows. I've learned full well it doesn't help to waste time and energy stressing about it. Gotta knuckle down on some priority tasks. The no-brainer is that going down the P rabbit hole is a surefire way to make everything worse. @realness That is good for me to hear. I gotta do something. Looking forward to December so I can have some breathing room to plan that next move.
Have you heard about the Dave Ramsey approach to finances? He uses the principles of the bible. All the best.
@Libertad I've dipped into some of the Ramsey stuff, yes. Thanks for the share, always glad to get some recommendations. Feeling great at this moment in the streak. Bringing extra focus and intentionality to what I'm trying to do here. I'm only going to post on what is working.
It's been so helpful to hear from guys on the forum. I really appreciate it when my BS becomes noticeable or even annoying to others on the forum and they say something about it. It was helpful to hear from @Bilbo Swaggins about my inconsistency. It's been helpful, but hard, challenging, to hear from @realness (apt handle) about my need for a formal support structure. Really gets me wrestling with the truth. I think deep down we know when we are lying to ourselves. This stuff helps me to face up to it and grapple with what real-world changes must be made if we are going to cut the crap and start building and extended life without reverting back to the programmed default. === Pondering the above some more. We have the tendency so be so full of crap! Even the above could be me posturing to "intellectualise" the above without actually acting on it. God help us to wade through all of this personal, conscious and subconscious stuff to get to positive, real-world outcomes reflective of truth! Feeling great on this streak. Tomorrow it's halfway to my next goal.
Great post this. It is important to keep reminding ourselves on the risks and lies we are telling ourselves. those things often happen very subtle and writing about them or saying them out loud confronts us with it and can get us through the day without acting out. And that is all we need: one day without acting out. We take it one day at the time
Past halfway to my next goal. This time I'm going to make it. I need to keep checking in multiple times a day, writing, reading helpful things, and reaching out to others.
Entering the danger zone. All the past relapses have been in the next three days of the streak. I expect the danger to keep up for a while, possibly right through the three week mark. I must be prepared, and the best way I think is the plan above. The start of the new week is crucial and often sets the tone for how the rest of the week will go. There are 2 major tasks to get through tomorrow, then a nice staff breakfast on Tuesday, then another major task for Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday. I want to hit a good rhythm early on. It's been a beautiful weekend including some rest so I am good to go. Noticing some attractive females right on cue for the "danger zone". The upshot is I am noticing my wife as well, I've had something of a flatline since the last relapse. I'll try lean into that and see if my wife and I can't make it happen soon. Got plans, let's go
A few years ago I read a book on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). One of the tenets was that you can manifest failure or success by what you think. For instance, if I say I suck at math then I probably will suck at math because I've told myself I do. However, if I say "I'm not the best at math, but I know with work and guidance I can do it," then we turn a negative into a positive. It's called all or nothing thinking. There is absolutely no reason on God's green earth that the three mark should be any different than the second week or the sixth week. You've got this!
Not bad going! The stressors are still there but plodding through one task at a time. It doesn't help to worry about it, it helps to tackle what I need to do in helpful and even fun ways, and it DEFINITELY won't help to go down the P waterslide now, it will set me back and be my ruin. Late nights are the point at which the urge is the strongest. I think I need to continue to write (as I am), add in some good reading late at night, cut off opportunities to indulge, and to reach out to someone if I'm still battling tonight.
Hi Rudolf, I wonder if it helps for you to look at yourself from the outside; as if you are a scientist studying Rudolf and his withdrawal symptoms? Especially when urges kick in. Instead of thinking ‘here they are, hope I will resists’, while resisting watch yourself with curiosity from the outside: what happens to Rudolf, how stressful/painful is it for HIM? And consequently ask more scientific questions: how much worse can it get? What facial expressions is he making while suffering? How is his body language? Of course your aim as a scientist is to watch the full experiment: you will want to see all the different symptoms in order to carry out a complete study of the subject (YOU). As an example, below is a video of 2 young people trying to detox from heroin (little spoiler: they will eventually give in). Try and describe to yourself the symptoms you observe and imagine you would do the same with your urges. Of course if you were them you would struggle greatly but a possible trick is to imagine you are somewhat detached, just observing and taking note. if you don’t know, the scene is from a German movie called ‘Wir kinder vom bahnhof zoo’. The movie is about addiction and I personally found it very interesting in understanding my addiction. good luck with your battle!
Thanks @Mozenjo . Thanks @rabotaz . I agree that we need to analyse the urges as to what is driving us in that that moment of withdrawal. The outcome I think should be exposing the lie that we would buy into when we cave, and so instead we can speak truth to ourselves and live in the light of truth. P is always going in the opposite direction to truth. With that I see the value in observing the actual sensations - what does withdrawal physically feel like? In my gut, etc. I think I'll see it's not so bad and I can ride it out. Haven't done an exercise like that in a while. Here I am. 14 days. Let's keep going. Only 4 days to that total of 18 days which I have wanted for the course of 3 relapses. This goal is a good thing. Every clean day is a good day. I'm going for it. I'm seizing it.
Itching, itching for a fap. Why? Withdrawal. It actually feels like an ache in my penis - but super mild, not painful. I feel tension in my back - but that's probably from tasks which I have not been able to complete for another day, and another, and another, even though I've worked fairly well this week. "One for the road" thinking - which is dumb. It won't be just one, it will prolong it. Alright, instead, I'm posting here and getting into some helpful stuff. Here we go, til next check in.
19 Days! Not perfect but haven't reported a relapse, which is a win. Let me see if I can tune it up moving forward. NO peeking, no F! If I can get this right my problem will be largely behind me and my life will look better.
