A New Decade - Let's Go

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rudolf Geyse, Oct 17, 2021.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Still sorely tempted to indulge in a particular F, so here's a responsive entry:

    Yes, I know exactly what F I would rehash for some momentary gratification. But I won't go there, and here's why:

    Lie: The fantasy is a lot more innocent than some of the smut I could be looking at. This is a good one one to go with. Truth: Sure, it starts that way, but I know it doesn't end that way. It ends with degrading and offensive thoughts. Do I want to be a pervert? How would I feel to be publicly known as a pervert? This F is a one-way ticket to a thought life which is totally on that level. There's NOTHING good about living subject to fantasy thoughts. It poisons my relationship and performance with my wife as well.

    Lie: It's been ages, a quick indulgence wouldn't be so bad. This fantasy is powerful and will be effective quickly. Truth: Yes! Ages! AWESOME! That has been the goal the whole time! Let this be just the beginning of living free of those thoughts. Also, it's not a quick indulgence. From experience, It would take the better part of an hour if I go there. Then the chaser, further temptation to wallow in it because "Oh well, I've blown it anyway..." Further time spent exploring that and other F, then it would escalate to looking at old sources of smut. The rest of the week would be a write-off. I'd feel lousy and have to rebuild everything after the weekend. Not quick and not worth it! It WOULD be "so bad". This fantasy IS powerful - to keep me enslaved to patterns which are destructive and which I'm working hard to overthrow! It IS effective - to pull hours out of productivity. Look at the ground I've taken this week - much better than wasting my life on F.

    Lie: You're missing out if you don't. This is treasure that you're disregarding. Truth: I'm missing out if I DO go along with the F. I can see that with my own eyes physically. But also spiritually. I understand that God doesn't ever ask me to sacrifice something unless it's for the sake of something GREATER. Who knows what I will be sacrificing spiritually if I go along with the F? And imagine the spiritual reward greater than the "best" sexual session? What could that be like? I'm going to find out. F is not treasure, it's poison which I'm disregarding. So be it!
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  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Inspiring! :)
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  3. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

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  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you approve of the previous posts gents, but I ran into some trouble after that. Some fairly innocuous stimulus -> stray thoughts -> urge -> F -> acting out, installing a whole way around my blockers -> full relapse, wasting valuable hours of my life, perpetuating the cycle. Gah! Terrible, man.

    I didn't want to come on and post about another relapse, it hurts doing this. But it's good pain. I need to feel acutely the discomfort of coming on here to report this now. This will help me to never want to do this again in the moment of the urge.

    What got me doing this is posting on another thread, that I don't believe my acceptance as a human being before God is based on my performance, it's based on His. So let me do it the better way and face up to the fact of another total relapse. 4 days before my current target! Damn. The way I see it: My identity isn't now destroyed because of this behaviour - the problem is I keep acting out of sync with my identity! It is encouraging both in terms of assurance even though I've blown it, and to get up and go again. I only wish I didn't fall down again in the first place!

    Damn! It's about 3 years since I started here. It's true what I said previously, one relapse every 2-3 weeks is certainly progress. But it's still too much. It's a recipe to keep me on this hook for the rest of my life.

    Why I want to stop outright:
    • I don't have the time or energy for it, I urgently need to put that time and energy into other things.
    • There are better ways to de-stress, P actually increases my stress over the long haul.
    • It goes against what I want to be.
    • It's unnecessary.
    • It's destructive.
    • It's shameful.
    • It's needless.
    • It doesn't give me anything helpful.
    What I will do differently this time around:
    • Of course I've removed my loophole in the blockers and disabled that option of getting around the blockers again.
    • I know the exact moment the idea popped into my head. I need to respond quicker when that first thought arises, before it gives place for urging.
    • I can't relax my systems in that first extended period, like I have been saying. It's no wonder that the car crashes when I take my hands off the steering wheel at speed. Specifically, I fail to do proper metascript journalling in the danger zone of 2-3 weeks. I can avoid peeking and F for 2 weeks, I've done it couple of times now (Couldn't say that when I started in '19). But I need to push through this ceiling. It's now or never as far as I'm concerned.
    • I may have to up my investment into this. It might be time to take it up a notch in terms of talking to a trained professional, or signing up for a paid forum, or getting an accountability partner/group, and/or even accountability software. I will be investigating that. If I could stick to the previous point I don't think I'd need to do this. But I can't trust myself in that danger zone of 2-3 weeks in the streak.
    • It might be helpful to up good intake - I stopped reading on P addiction because it was taking up too much time - I tend to give obsessive amounts of time to this sort of thing. But if I'm wasting a whole afternoon/evening on a relapse every two-three weeks, I'd rather invest the time into avoiding that... hopefully for good!
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2022
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I am going to stop holding as a primary motivation, that I want to escape addiction so that I can help others to do the same. I am so glad when a post here helps someone else to make better decisions in the moment. But I suspect there is a prideful motivation that I want to be able to coach others through escaping addiction so that it can reflect well on me and my wisdom. I need to get better for me, and for the positive effects on my immediate relationships etc. Wanting to overcome so that I can coach others is a poor motivation, especially if it's a primary motivation. It also makes me more down when I blow it. If I can help someone else that's great. But let me instead focus on building the life I want to have, without trying to look like "the man" to others.

    So these posts might take a more personal turn. Today I am encouraged to embrace discomfort as the path to improvement. Our situation will not improve without discomfort. Romans 5 tells us that if we have received the grace of God, by faith in Christ, suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces a hope that does not disappoint. Elsewhere the New Testament says that he who has suffered in the flesh is done with sin. I need to be less afraid of a little discomfort. This will help me to work through my tasks and not turn to crutches or vices which are just destructive. We are capable of overcoming more discomfort than we think we are. Pain only lasts until the flow state hits. Let's go.
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  6. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I would like to through in an additional idea. Outcome independence.

    What I mean by that is, that we heard and saw what PMO does and what concequences it has on ourselfes, on others, on everything by reading other journals and by looking at out own lifes.
    The only logical conclusion is to stop with it. But we stop for a while, things don´t get better or get even far worse, because we don´t use PMO and the discomfort at first can be far worse in high stress situations without an escape. In additon to the daily life we think we have to fight an addiction which adds more presure and stress to out lifes. We feel the discomfort, compare it with the level we are accostumed to before we escaped with PMO during the years while using PMO and we relapse again.
    Outcome independence in this constelation could mean to continue the selfcare, no matter the amount of relapses or discomfort.
    Not sure if these are valid points or thoughts that make sense in this phase. Just wanted to mention it.
    I heard of this idea of outcome independence in Mark Douglas Book: Trading in the Zone.
    All the best for your Journey, Rudolf.
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  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the addition @Libertad , a nice thought to add to the mix. I can get behind the thinking 'cos I can see that abstinence from smut is valuable by itself, even if it doesn't bring positive change immediately to the broader situation. Thumbs up
    Libertad likes this.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Feeling' fine. Got a proposal out that had been stressing me out. Still plenty to get through. One thing at a time I suppose. Check messages - prioritise tasks - get as many done as I can - enjoy the weekend. Can do. Let's go. NO Psubs or F. These have been unfulfilling in my last relapses - I know this.
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  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Today I felt like I was right back to square one. Like, this is my lot in life, let me just go along with this. The solo O will not be fulfilling, I know it won't. It will take me hours and hours to fantasise, or to again go back to try get around the blockers, or to find some subs, "a dog returning to its vomit", "a fool returning to his folly", Proverbs 26:11. But maybe I can explore that for ANOTHER 20 or 25 years and maybe I will find some kind of fulfilment there.

    The thought passed. It is as easy as saying, "no, I'm not going to do that." I'm not going to live my life that way. I'm going to let go of that hankering, even a yearning - actually mostly just a chemical cycle in my brain which I engrained through years of bad choices.

    Then I opened my Bible to Romans 6. I am dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. The old self has been crucified. I am set free from sin and destructive patterns. There is no need whatsoever for me to go back there. I can walk in newness of life, not because of my performance or lack thereof, but because of His death and resurrection, uniting me to Him.

    Guys, I want this to be the big one. I want 80 days 100% clean. I can't get there today. All I can do is put in a clean hour (that's a win), then a full work day (win), then an evening (win), totally clean, productive, giving my time, energy and attention to what is truly worthwhile, truly fulfilling.

    Let's go
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  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hey guys thanks so much for the likes on the posts. It is crazy how helpful it is that I'm not just thinking out loud to myself. Just your hitting that like button shows that there is some kind of support for trying to get this right. thanks @StarWarsFan @path-forward @Saville @Libertad . I always try to pay forward and like or comment on someone else's every time I come here.

    I've set a goal of staying clean in November. This is going to take some real focus and attention. Effort, sure, but I think when the focus and attention are working, the effort is less. I need to be attentive in trigger times: Before nap/bed, and when the stress is high. Like after I do my planning today, probably, haha. Will check in again as necessary


    Update: Immediately feeling the urge. My brain is reaching for possible outlets to escape rather than engage. There are many reasons not to open up some P subs or spend time on smut now. A major one is that I have plans to take Friday off and I have a lot of work, so it will be much more stressful to escape the workload, than just to jump in. I can do this. Pomodoro timer on, let's go.
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2022
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  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I agree that the likes are important. :) It let's us know that we are not shouting into the wind.

    You are grinding it out, my friend. Everything I read on your pages is laudable. Well done!
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Rudolf, let's make it a no-nut November, man. Today is the first day, and yes, I'm also fighting urges, but that 30 day clean streak (which must include subs) is as elusive as ever. Let's go.
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  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    HEAVILY tempted. This image from the last time I acted out is sticking with me, making me want to go there again to pursue that or something similar. I am battling to keep it out of my head for even an hour at a time. Other very innocuous images I might see during the day are pushing my brain in that direction.

    It makes me regret all the more, the last time I acted out. If anything this is motivation not to do it again!

    What helped yesterday: Frequency of posts, organising an impromptu lunch date with my wife, working on constructive stuff til very late.

    Need fresh motivation and thinking for today.

    Reminder of my primary goal: My goal is to serve Jesus in the body. Worshipful blocks of service to the only worthy King.

    We all pour out our lives towards something. I find other objects of our attention, energy and time, take and take and take and leave us with no lasting benefit. Only Jesus gives, and gives, and gives lasting benefit.

    Responsive entry: I love big boobs. I looove them. I would like nothing better right now than to conure up some from somewhere - P subs, fantasy, creative ways of acting out, it doesn't matter where from. I could find some perfect physical proportions to dwell on, that sounds really satisfying. I am slammed with work. Much more than I can get to in the next day and a half. Since I can't complete it anyway, why don't I do something that will bring me some joy and release? I can't stop thinking about it anyway, so maybe this will get it off my mind? My wife's situation is improving but sexy exciting times might still be a ways off. So let me short circuit the thing.

    Ok, that about says how I'm feeling. Now let's analyse. "I love big boobs." So why don't I focus on actually getting my hands on some - my wife's? This is far more satisfying then going on a time-consuming hunt. From experience, putting time and energy into being who I am MADE to be puts me in a better standing with my wife and in my own mental health. Engaging with life in this way actually improves sex! It makes it worth the wait, whatever the duration. Then I will enjoy sex as it is intended, with emotional connection that is real dynamite. I could go for my wife's body right now. It is worth waiting for, no question, no doubt. THAT is what I want, not some crummy image pulled out of some trashy corner of my mind or the web.

    "I could find some perfect proportions..." It always takes longer than I think - time which could go into pursuits that actually have a hope of bringing some REAL satisfaction into my life. Add in the chaser and another trip round the mountain, resetting the counter etc. No thanks! It would go against the progress I have made so far. Plus, again, there is NOTHING wrong with my wife's proportions. When I ponder THAT, my heart is set racing and my mouth watering. Lemme focus there. Whatever gets me going in that direction is good. Whatever pulls me away from my wife and my life is unhelpful.

    "That sounds really satisfying." Until I think through the above, then no, it doesn't. P subs, F... It doesn't satisfy. It keeps me feeling low. It keeps me off my game. It's kryptonite, is what it is. It makes me weak and sick. It prevents me from reaching worthwhile goals. Without adding any joy whatsoever.

    "I am slammed with work..." So let me jump in! Great music, decent coffee, pomodoro timer, there's no reason I can't enjoy that instead. I would LOVE to cross some items off the list today! That will bring some real stress relief.

    "Maybe this will get it off my mind." Nope. It will keep it stuck in my mind for far longer. Don't want!

    I feel better about making the right decision... let's go.
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Also, we often get sidetracked as soon as we begin. We have this idea, before, that we will have the patience and discipline, so to speak, in order to reach some satisfaction, some perfect sensations, find those perfect images and videos. But often, we lose a lot of our patience as soon as we begin. The primal takes over and one jumps from one thing to the next, often not even looking for the kind of thing the person thought about before starting the session. Ends up being sidetracked in other things, not even appealing really, but the need for the dopamine is high and we're injecting it. Soon it is over with and it was pretty much a great disappointment when compared to the ''perfect proportions'' we had thought about before starting.
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  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 Yes! Insightful post, thanks. Not worth it! We trump P use up to some ideal which it can never live up to!

    STILL up against it. That post yesterday definitely helped, I'm jumping into my to-do list now but if I'm still battling will do another responsive entry.


    I feel like this morning is a total victory. I'm so behind with work, my expenses are exceeding my income, I'm stressed out, constant interruptions stopping me from getting ahead... but I don't want to escape to smut. Not perfect, still allowing too many stray thoughts, still lingered on a celebrity image I saw in my news feed, but nothing I would call a relapse. Feels like breakthrough, honestly, for me not to shut myself in a room somewhere right now and make a plan for wasting my day on smut. To not WANT to do that. Instead I'm making plans to get somewhere with my issues. Already seeing some light at the end of the tunnel! I hope it's enough (and not an oncoming train, haha).

    What's helping right now is the commitment to "no nut November" with some other brothers on the forum. There is no way I want to report a relapse so early in the month. Will have to watch it when I get to midway and endgame!


    Hotchie motchie, still duking it out. Fighting with myself to stay productive. If I can get out the Subs/F hole over the next weeks I would love to be able to put that same energy I spend fighting that, into productivity goals. I think we are getting there.
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2022
  16. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I went away overnight with the fam. Fortunately this has kept me busy most of the time. Now I'm on an unmonitored wifi connection. Still feeling "I want to act out but I don't want to act out." Staying the course.
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  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I find myself staying up late, gaming, reading, checking Twitter, to tire myself out, to fall asleep with no P. Pros: It's working to avoid P, and I enjoy it. Cons: I'm tired. Should probably go to sleep earlier.

    Was a beautiful weekend with the fam. Absolutely loved it. No P.

    My wife is trying to strategise to make sex happen. She is too dog tired at night, we have seen a specialist for her health and fatigue but it's slow going. Our kids are in our room super early. So it's tough to find a moment to make it happen. I can see she is pulling for it to happen which means a lot. I'm not pulling my hair out. I'm in that phase where I feel like I have the addiction on the run. From experience I need to be on my guard at this point. I normally have been relapsing at 2-3 weeks.
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2022
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  18. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Very much feeling an urge to go along with a particular fantasy. It's one that starts out "innocently". It doesn't excite me to have to run through one of these "responsive meta script journal entries" again here, but I believe it will help me:

    Lie: This fantasy is innocent, noble even.

    Truth: It might start out that way. But similar to what @Thelongwayhome27 said above, I'll soon be diverted into more and more repulsive stuff, stuff which I can't call "good", "innocent" or "noble", but rather arrogant/prideful, selfish, degrading, even gross. Things I would rail against "in the daylight". Imagine the fantasy was on display for everyone who knows me? I would be ashamed. No thank you. I don't want to go there. I don't want to have anything to do with it. And I don't have to.

    Lie: It would be great to get caught up in those fantasy sensations. It would give some release from real life.

    Truth: It would not be great to waste my afternoon on that. It would suck. I have plenty of work to crank out, and spending time in F will only make it worse. I want to engage with life and have a worthwhile week. I don't want to look back with shame and regret. I want to cross off the major tasks today instead.

    It would not release me from real life. It would put me in a worse situation. all the problems would be waiting for me afterwards, with my head in a much worse place, and even less time to do it in. Nope, not going there.

    Lie: But, you've done it before and things always work out.

    Truth: Yes, by God's mercy and grace. But what if that grace runs out? What if this is the time where I act out, waste time, and end up losing another client? Or my family discovers the all the gory details of this addiction? You think that won't happen? Then you're a fool. (Everyone who needs to know, knows I have battled with this, but not to what extent. If I stay on the current trajectory of fewer and fewer relapses I think it's best to keep it that way. But it doesn't help to be playing with fire all the time.) But besides that, I'm not ruled by what has gone before. I am building something here which is better for me and everyone I know. No question. Now is the time to keep building the right way. I never want to come and blow up these foundations, start over, ever again. I want to progress.

    I've also done a deep dive into Romans 6. If I have believed in Christ I am dead to sin. "How can a student who's been expelled from school, or whose school is closed down, still keep attending there? How can an employee remain in a firm that has folded? How can a wife continue living with her dead husband? In the same way, how can we, whose former relationship to sin has been broken, still continue in it as we did before?" - J.I. Packer

    I don't need this fantasy. The power of sin is broken. It has no hold over me. I'm done with that.

    Back to work. Let's go
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I pursued my wife as I ought. Sorted out supper for the fam, put them to bed, pursued sex, she agreed. She did most of the work and the chemicals were awesome. That afterglow was one of the best, if not the best ever. Far better than acting out on P or F. Stay the course, fellas, and pursue a long-term monogamous relationship, it's worth it
  20. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Recovery in action brother ! :D Way to go pursuing the right and good things (erm ... pathways) !
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