A New Decade - Let's Go

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rudolf Geyse, Oct 17, 2021.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Tragedy - counter reset, 19 days.
    [​IMG]

    I keep sabotaging myself on this road. I have a system that is working 100%, I have all the correct rationale in my head. But, I trained myself on my fetish for just too doggone long, and it is still default behaviour when I let my guard down. I do this by not following the steps (chiefly, metascript journalling and being aware of triggers).

    Or as @Bilbo Swaggins puts it, I'm not being consistent. Lack of consistency will mean I am putting that stick in my own spokes every. Time.

    On the plus, I would say I am now averaging a PMO every 2-3 weeks, which is so much better than throwing hours at it every 1-2 days of my life, as I had been doing at some stages before. But I can't accept it for 2 reasons (actually many more but here are just 2 from the top of the pile): 1) It's keeping me on the hook, which is just pathetic. 2) I don't want to be the type of dude who approves of what I am approving of when I fap. I disagree with the images I need to conjure, I know full well that there is nothing redeeming in that headspace. It's not who I want to be, even for a little while every three weeks.

    Up and at 'em again. I'll start by getting back up to 2 weeks with no peeking and no F. (This relapse started with peeking, of course. I need to be VERY careful what intake I allow and also be consistent with the journalling, right through the three week mark.)
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I love the vigor with which you are approaching this! :)

    Your system is a very good one and we all need a system. For me this is taking care of the small jobs that I would otherwise put off. It's also taking walks and working out four times a week, even if the work out is an easy going one. It means slowing down. When I make my breakfast I do it purposefully. I set my fork out in a measured way and place my coffee mug on the table in the same manner. I sit and enjoy my breakfast, never hurrying it along so that I might get onto something "more" productive. I came across this "slowing down" process when I was out raking leaves one day. I was raking the lawn like the grass was on fire and hating every minute of my having to do it. I just felt plain mad. Then, suddenly, a realization crept over me. I realized that by changing how I viewed raking I could change how I felt. I said out loud: "I'm getting exercise! :) Bending over to pick up the piles and put them in the bag is great for my waist (I was very fat at that point). I'm getting fresh air. I'm getting some me time." I never felt frustrated raking again.
     
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  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Keep going, Rudolf. I started here over 8 years ago (!), and was on a merry-go-round most of the time. I had some successes, and would fall down and get up again. And again and again. I'm still obviously not out of the woods, but have gotten the "hard-core" porn out of my life. Not frequenting the purveyors of that garbage is its own reward. You WILL get there, I'm sure of it! As Saville says, you have the vigor to do it. The right stuff.
     
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  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    This reminds me of "My Dinner With Andre", an odd little movie I saw when it came out in the early '80's. Andre and his dinner mate, Wallace Shawn, couldn't be different from one another, with Wallace being caught up in the hustle and bustle lifestyle of Americans (they're in New York), and Andre eschewing all that and living differently. It's worth a watch, but don't expect anything more than two guys talking over dinner. Anyway, Andre talks about people in the east (I forget exactly where; might have been monks in Tibet) who take the time to savor every morsel they ingest, taking a very long time to finish a meal. That really stuck with me.
     
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  6. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Hey love that meme with the bicycle spoke :)
     
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  7. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    @Rudolf Geyse Ditto the other brother's comments. Even with a relapse - you are making progress by acknowledging the pain it is causing and - most importantly - working even harder to develop a mental tool kit to prevent future ones. As @Saville mentioned - learning to find other alternative ways to channel your emotions during rough times - is the key.

    Keep fighting! You are making more progress than you realize!
     
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  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much for commenting @Mozenjo @mailboxsam @path-forward .

    Since I posted that last post, I heard that my uncle passed away. He was a connection to my dad who passed in a violent crime incident in 2010. I didn't expect this to hit me so hard, but that, on top of significant financial pressure looming around the corner, extended illness in my household, and a seeming inability to get certain deadlines off my plate for the last weeks - I've been a bit of a mess.

    Damn. When I write it all out like that, I can see I've been under more pressure than I realise.

    I cancelled my meetings this morning and just got in touch with clients to manage their expectations, and took a time out. Everyone has been quite friendly about it, mostly. Watched Scrubs S4E6 which I remembered, JD and his brother dealing with the death of their dad, wow man it resonated with me.

    Can't dodge work any further and I already took just about all my leave for the year, lol. So I'll have to start picking away at everything.

    Appreciate the support and stay clean all.
     
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Considering all your dealing with you are doing very well indeed! It's shocking how certain triggers can expose raw wounds of the past. Sending good vibes your way, my friend.
     
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Rudolf, sorry to hear about your uncle, and of course, your Dad. The ebb and flow of events in our lives can really wear us out. I certainly know what trying to climb out of the deadline morass can do to your energy level. I hope coming here and journaling helps keep the overwhelm in check. It works for me. One thing, and one day, at a time. It may not always feel like it, but you're doing great.
     
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thank you gents! So appreciated.
     
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Just checking in. Have been battling. Definitely spent some time on F so I have to reset the counter. I also went so far as to look for a loophole in my blockers, and I found one, so I'm plugging it now.

    The memorial service is tomorrow so I'll be driving down to meet the fam for that, will be out of town for a couple days.
     
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  13. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    My condolences on your Uncle’s passing. It’s tough to lose someone so meaningful to you.

    I find funerals trigger a lot of emotions for me - both for the present ofc - but also grief for people from earlier in my life.

    Stay strong and be ready for temptation - as we all seek “hard coded” ways to numb emotional pain. Reach into your “mental tool kit” to fight going down unhealthy paths.

    Try to embrace the time with your family, despite the reason for seeing them.

    be well my brother.
     
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  14. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the very kind words @path-forward . Yes I think I did all my acting out pre- the last post. I've been reflecting on that:

    I went back in my head to a fairly recent P session which I allowed to happen, during one of the relapses I recorded previously. I regret seeing it...

    We start out at a young age looking for fairly tame P images that are exciting. Eventually we look at worse and worse stuff, stuff that repulses us & that we don't enjoy - why? Because of some tenuous link to some element in the scene or image that is still exciting. New, disgusting avenues are opened. I saw so many images that I can tell you right now, I do not now or never will have interest in seeing them. Images which are just plain gross. No man should ever actively seek out such a degrading experience, no man in a sound frame of mind ever would! But still we have ourselves stuck in the cycle of going there, over and over again. This becomes the norm for years. What for? Is it worth it? Not a chance.

    Then one day, in the search, with all the catalogues of smut available to us, I happened on something that checks all my fetish boxes. My particular poison, with almost none of the degenerative, awful, fake, repulsive elements... yet... even in the most quality "poison" I could find... as close as I could get to a session which might possibly seem satisfying... well... there STILL were gross, degrading, awful elements in it. They were minimised, but it's STILL just poison. The finest, tastiest, most well-disguised poison is still just poison. "Perfect P", continuously satisfying, is the myth, the unicorn, the Moby Dick to our Captain Ahab that will drag us to our grave.

    (Forgive me if my literary metaphor is wrong, I never read it! Lol.)

    So I regret seeing that clip. I regret that it kept me right on that hook, as usual with all P - no exceptions. I regret that it is still on my mind, because that means I have allowed it to sit on my mind. I regret that like all P images, this will work against my relationship with my wife, to any extent. I regret that it reinforced those negative neural pathways. I've locked down that site where I found the clip, with multiple blockers, so it's unlikely I'll have any opportunity to see it again. This means that even the part of me that briefly enjoyed it has regrets, having had one chance to enjoy it but for all intents and purposes, absolutely no chance to ever revisit it. Which is good! But this means that even the "old me" regrets seeing it! So even this clip, possibly some of the "best" (worst?) P material I've ever looked at, has left me with zero benefit and only regret!

    The dopamine loop is the search for something ultimate, something that can satisfy in a lasting sense. Even if this ultimate existed, it STILL wouldn't be worth it. But the situation is even worse than that, because that kind of ultimate experience doesn't exist, it's not out there on some rotten web server somewhere in the world. (I believe the Ultimate DOES exist, but has NOTHING to do with P.) Let's snap out of it, fellas. Stay disciplined. Make better choices. Let's go together. This could be the streak that lasts a lifetime.
     
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  15. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Well said @Rudolf Geyse !!

    Stay strong and focused. Embrace living in the present.
     
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  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    This is great, Rudolf, and so true!
    I finally bought it, and maybe I'll read it before I leave this world :)
    Hear, hear! Thanks for this great post. I needed it!
     
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  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks @path-forward and @Mozenjo . Going great guns on my latest streak here. Also doing well with my other goal of creating the habit getting out of bed on time every day.
     

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