A New Decade - Let's Go

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rudolf Geyse, Oct 17, 2021.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    So far so good.

    It's been an ongoing struggle to improve my habits since I started here in 2019. I've definitely taken ground in my work processes. I have a working system for how to tackle and triage the loads on work on my plate at any given time. Not perfect but much better, especially when I stick to it and apply it well. In addition to cutting back completely on P use (ugh!), I'm now trying to get a better sleep routine - simply going to bed the same time every night and rising the same time every morning. It's early days but it looks like this is going to be life changing. No-one told me this stuff growing up. I'll look forward to sharing it with my kids (but I'm sure they'll also have to figure some of it out the hard way).
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    One thing that helps the sleep routine is to go to bed at an early enough time (more or less the same time every night) and to wake up at the same time as well, even if there was insomnia that night. Next night, or the next, we'll sleep better if fatigue accumulates in this way. So basically to do our best to stick to the same bed and wake up times.

    I have often seen you mention the important amount of work you have. I wonder is there not a way to lower the quantity ? Sure it's important to get things done, to work, be responsible and so on - and I suppose to provide - but sometimes we just ask too much of ourselves and we don't even realize it. Changing our environments is an essential part of recovery and sometimes this may imply to adjust how much we have on our plate. Of course if we are an entrepreneur this may be a very difficult thing to do (without major changes). But yea, just something to think about. Sometimes the problem is not that we don't want to stop the P, we do, it's just that we keep staying in the same patterns which make the stress levels higher then what we can humanly handle, despite our very best intentions.
    Rudolf Geyse, realness and Saville like this.
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks for that @Thelongwayhome27 . You are absolutely right, we have limitations and it is unwise to believe or behave as if we don't. I don't know how I would begin to change the situation though. I chose my main occupation not for the money but because it is something I am passionate about, and took on other work to support that. Growing up, when I heard of dads working 2-3 jobs to make ends meet and to try to provide some quality of life for their families, I always thought that was really admirable. But the other side of that coin is, I have counselled guys to not work 18-hour days, it is more important to be with their families than to earn packets of disposable income. Again, on the other hand, we live very frugally and still are battling to always stay in the black. Also one of the things that my lifestyle affords me is that I do spend a lot of time with the family, possibly more than the average, because at least all my income streams allow me to be flexible in use of time.

    I also have thought that maybe why I'm not coping is 'cos I'm never getting ahead in my to-do lists, and why I'm never getting ahead is 'cos I'm spending so much time goofing off or using P. But lately when I have tracked my time I can't fault myself. So I don't know.

    I could try to change jobs, but this market is troubled. The best pay and security I can think of is in what I am doing now. Or I could look at moving to a smaller place. But we were battling in our previous smaller home, my wife was really struggling to cope and it wasn't conducive to what's on her plate... so to think of downsizing again... I don't know.

    This deserves some pondering over. (Which requires free time, energy and focus, which is what I don't have...) I guess it's a matter of, first of all, trying to work out what is a legitimate amount of workload with which I feel I can cope. That's the first step. Then, if I am within that amount, it would be trying to create some margin so I'm not working right up to that line. And if, on the other hand, I'm exceeding that amount, then it would be to ask the really hard questions of what it is that I need to change.

    It's also not all directly caused by work, it's just... life. Like, this week I got sick and that added pressure, and a geyser burst and we had crappy service delivery with insurance etc, and there has been relational tension between extended family members, etc...

    I'm reminded of what the guy said in Easy Peasy method... sometimes we confuse anxiety with responsibility. I think I have been stressed out by life, but that doesn't mean it's necessarily an abnormal workload or anything. It may be that the load is legitimate, but that P use has taught me to escape it rather than engage with it. Maybe my workload is fine. It is possible that it isn't, tho... evidence for this might be the tasks which I don't get to for days, weeks, months. I need to figure this out & try to put it to bed.
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2022
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yea it sometimes ressembles the chicken or egg question (what came first?) and I can really relate to that in my own life and struggles ; is it the P (or other maladaptive behaviours) that are main culprit in creating (1) the stress and (2) an inability to deal with that stress as well OR do we actually more or less unconsciously (without realizing it) keep placing ourselves in situations that are beyond our capacities which results in high levels of stress and P (or other maladaptive behaviours) are one - dumb but in the end understandable - way to relieve pressure. It's probably a combination, but it's hard to really determine which model would take center stage. And it changes the way we would address the issues (the solution), that's the problem.

    Regardless, clearly life is inherently stressful for every human, and that's one thing to understand and accept. Not only work that piles up but all the other things we have to do (bills, subscriptions to services, yearly income declarations, all the unplanned problems that come up, the endless to do list, etc.).

    Anyways, I only mentioned that point regarding the quantity of work as a suggestion to ponder upon. In no way do I know what's the answer and we all have our own values in life which I think is key in following. But I mentioned it since I saw it as a recurring theme in your journal that you have a lot of work to get done and at times I got the impression that not all of you is happy or content to do that work ; as in there is some kind of inner conflict there (part of you wants to and part of you wants to rebel). I thought mentioning it might be something for you just to think about and then decide it's worth.

    In any case, I admire your capacity and will to get things done and provide for you family, I mean the values and actions around that.
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thank you @Thelongwayhome27 , I think I got all that, but appreciate you taking the time to make sure there was clarity on what you were saying.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Doing good, all things considered. Had another upset on top of the stressful issues discussed above. In no way am I looking to P to cope. Had some urge but squashed 'em with the thought that it would not be worth it, P/F has nothing worthwhile to give me.

    Relooked at one "bottleneck" in my systems for coping with workload and streamlined it, so I think we can only go up from here. Basically my task list can have hundreds of items on it at any one time, ranging from "urgent for today" to "back burner". Anytime the list gets too crazy it just feels like way too much to dive into, and so I end up wanting to avoid work altogether. Reworked it so I can see what I need to get to next, at a glance. Now I can allocate hours to the tasks in my mind and I know where I stand at any given moment. This is helping me to avoid feeling stressed out about it, and also to say "no" to new tasks coming in which will not be helpful to take on, etc.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Not bad. Not 100% clean either. I need to define my terms a bit more clearly.

    At the moment I am doing well avoiding relapse. "Relapse" is any point where I avoid life and go for solo MO by any means in a repetitive or time consuming way. I haven't done that in 28 days.

    On this counter I really want to avoid peeking and F. "Peeking" is when I intentionally seek out P or P subs for the purpose of stimulating arousal. It can happen in just one minute, any time I'm scrolling my feeds alone. This needs to be avoided at all costs. Social media is an incredible tool for checking in on extended family and news, but even just someone with a racy profile pic can lead me down a rabbit hole if I'm not disciplined. Maybe I'll only check Twitter only when I'm in the room with my wife? Already I have a timer on Facebook that limits me to 5 min a day which I have found incredibly helpful, so let me put a similar limit on Twitter. I'll do that now.

    "Fantasy" is intentionally spending time revisiting past imagery in my mind, or dreaming up imagery in my mind, apart from imagery of my wife, with the intention of stimulating arousal. From experience, the more I avoid peeking, the easier it is to avoid F, so perhaps this will become easier when I tackle that first point.

    Sadly by these definitions, if I'm honest with myself I peeked a day ago, and not surprisingly, spent time fantasising afterward.

    Do I reset the counter? I want 3 weeks clean from these. Either I reset now or I will have to go for 4 weeks. Since it wasn't a relapse, and I encourage guys that anyone can have a slip and not to beat themselves up but keep building on what is working, I'm going to go with a "no more strikes" strategy, keep the counter running, aim for the three weeks and then immediately make it 4.
    path-forward and Saville like this.
  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    There is SO much that I need to give attention to. Just trying to plod through and keep priorities in line. Only so much a person can do in a day.

    Can anyone relate to this: I need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, for sustainability and progress in several weighty matters with regards to how my life is running... but, my cart is loaded so much with deadlines that I can't spare the time for the big picture stuff. Any suggestions? I'm sure that even if I can't take that time out in the next week or 2 I could maybe do it within this month, so let me keep at it until I get there.


    Guys! Don't use Phub. Look at these allegations: Can you support this site even if there's a chance all these claims are true? https://traffickinghub.com/
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Maybe one idea could be to try to set aside one hour during the weekend when you will allow yourself to think about that and write about it in your journal (private or on here). The more time you could allow yourself for this, the more you might figure things. You can just schedule some one hours (maybe just once a week) with yourself to give yourself the permission to think about these questions a little and write about it calmly.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Strong urges today, wow. I feel like if I can ride this one out I'll be in a much better space. Just hit 30 days without recording a relapse, no good reason to blow that now.
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the likes @path-forward @Saville @Thelongwayhome27

    Update: Staying the course. If I hadn't privately done a "responsive metascript journal entry" I would have relapsed by now. See the journalling method link in my signature.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, all the porn sites are trafficking in human misery. When we partake of P then we are complicit in whatever nefarious things are going on inside it. We all know that, of course, but it's good to be reminded that our low-brow addiction has collateral damage. Thanks for posting about it, @Rudolf Geyse !
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Really tempted to check out a certain site - the hook being I know that last time it somehow got through the blockers. So instead I tried a new blocker on my Android device, looks like a really good app with a free version that seems to be doing the job. Tested it and it has locked down that site that slipped through last time. Hopefully this extra hurdle will be another discouragement to go along with the urges. I also need to revisit the trigger time, maybe do some pre-emptive journalling for the #1 trigger time, which is at bedtime.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep working the program! :)
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Been away with the fam for a few days. Very clean few days. Couple of intimate times with my wife as well. Almost no urges. My addiction doesn't stem from boredom but definitely from stress, if I'm more relaxed it becomes almost a non-issue. Almost - I did have the occasional urge but between my blockers and being on someone else's wi-fi (who knows what monitoring software they might be running on the router - if I'm wrong about this don't correct me) I didn't go there.

    37 days no relapse! 16 days no peeking/no F!
  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Awesome man ! Great that you can see more clearly what's behind the urges for you. For me I think both stress and boredom create they're own kinds of cravings. The stress one is sometimes linked to also doing quite well and the combination of unreleased stress with feeling that I need a reward and coupled at times with some legitimate high libido because of abstinence can be a killer at times. The boredom one is more linked with depression and feeling hopeless and it can also provoke some triggers at times but I usually see this one coming more and can be at times easier to fight cause I can go for self-care soothing activities and that sometimes relaxes me enough. Yep, we are guys walking through a bit of a forest labyrinth lol.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  17. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    DAMMIT. Peeked some, went straight to a PMO. Should have listened to my own advice - "It's NEVER 'just one peek'". Obviously! Came on to report it and saw I had reached my first goal - 21 days without having to report peeking / F. Now, instead of just celebrating that, I have to start again. Gah!

    On the positive, I still wouldn't call this a relapse, not like the relapses I had been in a cycle of having previously. So, I would now number this current streak at 42 days without one of those time-consuming or repetitive relapses, which is a solid streak. Also, 21 days without peeking or F! That is quite a milestone for me. I used to go 21 days without solo MO, sure, but there would be plenty of time spent on fantasy or searching for P subs in those 21 days. Where I'm at now is good stuff and I am firmly on the right track.

    On the negative, even if it's not a relapse, it's a real slip-up. Also, if I'm now resetting the counter every 3 weeks or so, many would say I've already arrived, the behaviour is normal, nothing wrong with cleaning the pipes, blah blah blah - the fact is it isn't helpful. It really isn't. The abstain-binge-repeat cycle is exactly what keeps a person on the hook, and is the worst for breaking an addiction.

    So, here we go again. I just did 21 days so let's shoot for 28 days no peeking / no fantasy this time. Glad to start a new, 100% clean streak.
  18. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Got sick with a virus, had an awful week, fighting urges tooth and nail. I'm going to make it though. To follow through on the urges will not be satisfying.
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Not a good day yesterday. I both peeked, and had a full-on FMO. I'm going to go ahead and reset. I want a clean streak of 4 weeks, I can surely do it.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, you can!

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