Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rudolf Geyse, Oct 17, 2021.
I love this!
Thanks @Saville and @Mozenjo . Emotionally all over the place, lots of strain at work. I'll look for a gap where I can explore some of this in posts
On the neg, have had some minor burnout again. I had it before in 2020. I have work to do, but my system just said, uh uh, I'm breaking up with you, I'm not interested. So not a good place to be, in that slump. That was pretty much all day yesterday.
On the pos, I mentioned the above to my employers and found them only supportive. They know it's been rough with lack of sleep at home, small children etc. Also what's positive is, man, I feel so blessed where I am, my home and life is beautiful, there is a measure of success in everything I have done, just lots of smaller tasks falling through the cracks which is hard to come to terms with. It's also positive that the experience is quite humbling. I'd love to be able to "be all things to all men" - but I'm not - so I have to humbly own my mistakes and shortcomings, learn from them, and apply good measures and discipline into the future.
Came this close to a relapse though. The flag is up and two strikes are down. I don't want to report a full-blown relapse but if I dabble now then I'll have to. In this moment, I'm saying, I won't let it come to that now.
That's what cracks are for. When you build a deck you space the boards a little so the rain will fall through and thus give the boards longer life.
I know exactly what site I would fire up, what image I would go for. But then I'd have to get around the blockers, which is time consuming. While I consider that, I start saying to myself "I don't want to do that." And it's true. Hanging in there.
Good for you, man. Keep hanging in there. I'm fighting urges too, but I know that a peek will start it up again. Let's NOT go there.
Really tired, taking next week off so looking forward to that. I feel like I've rounded a corner past all the urges, they are getting more distant. But I know they will pop up again and I need to be prepared... maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow... but someday, and I hope not for the rest of my life! Will keep making wiser decisions.
It's also been helpful to me to realise I'm not here to save the world. For a long time my goal was to get clean so I could help others. I'm not the Saviour (Jesus is), and I need to be saved as much as anyone else. We're getting there.
Alright. Relapse. For the last 3 nights it's been right back to that old behaviour of using PMO to fall asleep nightly, same as when I started on the forum.
This puts my streak at 31 days, which isn't bad I suppose. Let's go again. I want a clean streak without allowances for dodgy thought patterns or peeking.
1) I need to block an avenue which I found, a loophole in my blockers. This is most urgent. I can think of at least two ways to try set up hurdles there so I think we'll be good.
2) Journal, journal, journal. While I was out of town I did no journalling or posting and it shows, the proof is in the pudding, went straight back to relapse. Proper journalling works. With CONSISTENCY.
Urges hit pretty strong (of course, because I reinforced a previously ingrained neural pathway). I have decided to change up my whole evening routine. There are so many positive things to do. After work today I got in some family time and time training the pup. Worked out - my physical exercise has been nonexistent for months. Already the urge is distant.
I also have planned my week into a better routine. Mondays are mainly for staff meeting and planning. Tuesday is to get gig "A" up to date, Wednesday is for gig "B". Thursday and Friday I can do whatever is left over after that and also personal admin etc. I will only work nights if I don't finish what is planned for those days. Makes sense on paper. If it works out I will have more margin and so less stress.
Didn't get through all my planning and emails so will tackle that now. Let's give it a bash, let's go
Not a bad start to the streak. Had a bit of an altercation with my wife last night though, and I was just shaking my head at how difficult it sometimes is to do it the right way. So many things can come up to prevent sex from taking place, even in a marriage - sickness, emotional lows, tiredness... the lie is that P is there as an easy way for release. I thought about going there last night but I'm so glad I didn't. It doesn't help. It muddies the waters more. The truth is, P is not a solution, but actually another hurdle to good sex. I need as few hurdles as possible, to go back to P would be placing yet another hurdle in the path to good sex.
In the morning there was some gentle cuddling, and I thought, THIS is awesome - a real live woman, amazing to the touch, who will stick with me through those little altercations and through all those difficulties like sickness and tiredness. We got up this morning and had some good communication. So thankful to God for my sexuality and manhood - I want to use it the right way with the time I have left.
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