A New Decade - Let's Go

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Rudolf Geyse, Oct 17, 2021.

  1. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    This is so solid! I think it's been shared on the forum before but it's worth sharing again:

    Trying to make some quality decisions today to build better than I have been. To intentionally take some ground.
    Cali, Libertad, Mozenjo and 1 other person like this.
  2. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Battling today with a sense of being overwhelmed but not doing too badly. Urges will flare up to like a 9/10 briefly but then settle down to like a 2/10. The fight is more for productivity today... trust the system, list, prioritise, delay deadlines, execute tasks...
    Saville likes this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I've noticed that you use the buzz words of the office a lot. Perhaps a more organic take on your life will allow more light in?
  4. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Haha @Saville that's hilarious actually. I think I only watched season 1 and 2 of the show? So if I am then it's not intentional. Lol!

    I appreciate that, I don't have a problem with the organic take - I think I err on that side! My stress has come in I honestly believe, from free wheeling too much. When I have a plan I settle into it and enjoy life a whole lot more.
    Saville likes this.
  5. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Last week was the most productive week I've had in ages, and I'm still coming into this short week with a mountain of tasks to get though.

    I read a guy's autobiography who was rebuilding his life after an affair cost him everything. He was saying he didn't feel like doing anything. Didn't feel like working. didn't feel like reading his Bible. But he said, the great thing is, you don't have to feel like doing it, you just have to do it. I'm trying to implement this. Yes we need to take care of ourselves and listen to warning signs when we are crashing out, but when it comes to those mainline "must-do" tasks - I don't need to feel like doing it, I just need to do it. I find often if I put myself in the mindset - yes, I don't feel like doing this, but I'm getting it done because I value better outcomes - I find I can get the momentum I need to finish it.
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  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Ok. relapse again, 11 days.

    I think there is something to what I said yesterday. But, it didn't work for me into the evening: so, most likely I just didn't apply it at the crucial moment, or, applying it stoically didn't work. It's not just about resisting negative emotion and temptation, it's about framing a positive mindset and having good reasons for better behaviour in the front of my mind.

    My last streaks reported here were 20, 13 and 11 days.

    Pro's: That means in 44 days only 3 relapses which in my history is pretty good / above average.

    - Streaks are getting noticeably shorter which is not a good trend.
    - Do I want to live here, in a pattern of PsubsMO relapse about every two weeks? No, I don't. That might actually be ok for some guys - some would say I'm no longer addicted - but it's not something I want. The fact is when I report a relapse it has cost me AT LEAST 2 or 3 hours of my life. I'm not interested in keeping that pattern going.
    - Also the abstain-relapse-binge cycle is arguably the worst way to deal with a habit, it is incredibly powerful in terms of unhelpful neural pathways.

    What should I have done/will do differently?
    - Metascript journal every 3 days minimum.
    - Be aware of the slump and write multiple pre-emptive entries on how I will deal with it.
    - Apply good principles for productivity/coping CONSISTENTLY. (Pomodoro's, planning to alleviate stress, etc)
  7. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    "But he said, the great thing is, you don't have to feel like doing it, you just have to do it."
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  8. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    StarWarsFan and Saville like this.
  9. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Very shaky 9 days but I'm on a good footing at the moment.

    Breathing exercises helping for stress. Give it a try if you have anxiety.

    Also sticking to the pomodoro's and having fun break times. Now, I feel like I'm getting somewhere during the day (which is a positive feeling) and also like I have something to look forward to on breaks (so, all positive - which beats all the negativity that leads me to P all the time).
    Saville likes this.
  10. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    There is a particular fetish site I have been jonesing for but I have blocked access and it would be a mission to get to see it. Then I know for a fact that it would take about 3 hours of my life to extract any kind of gratification out of the site. Doesn't seem worth it to me, but my old patterns are making it a real distraction, dopamine pathways firing, whatever. Instead I'm trying to close out the week strong. Trying to make the tasks fun: a nice beverage or snack, good music, bite site tasks which I check off to get a little hit of a sense of accomplishment, etc etc. "If it's difficult you're doing it wrong" - I've been thinking about this and I think there's something to it.

    What I'm not getting back to enough of is journalling. If I don't pick that up soon I'm going to go for another relapse. Will plan it in.
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  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I've moved on from the last post to another yet another fetish that has come to mind a lot lately. It's constant. I think I need to spend a bit of time thinking through why these fetishes pop up in my mind. Apart from the ingrained patterns, what is it that these particular fetishes promote, which speak to legitimate desires I have that I am trying to fulfil in a twisted way? I'll let you know if I come up with anything.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    A fetish represents our desire to discover more about ourselves. If we feel chained in some area of our lives then our mind will use images (fetish) as a catalyst to break free of those chains. In other words, because we have repressed something natural in our lives, that naturalness wants to find freedom. Once we allow ourselves freedom to express our true nature, any fetish must drop away. The fetish is not bad, it's merely a club to knock us out of our psychic and intellectual complacency.

    Here's a for instance: If I fetishize someone peeing on me, is it my desire to have urine all over my body, or does that represent, in its skewed way, freedom to explore? Another way of looking at an obsession is it is the cracks in the armor that long ago we installed to protect ourselves. First we worried what our parents would think. As our associations increased that worry extended to our social circles, our wives, our children, even. Our spirit does not go quietly into that good night.
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  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    [Reading this post back it might have some triggers - if you are in a space where you trigger easily don't take a chance. Many will find it just fine I suppose and no issues whatsoever. I always rather put a disclaimer like this because I have been triggered by posts on the forum before and I'd rather not be responsible for that for anyone.]

    Yeah, well said @Saville . I think my deeper wants are for freedom from constraints, and simple universal ones like wanting to be respected and to receive and show adoration. Those are good wants and need not be pursued through P or P subs. When twisted it represents a longing to be envied I guess? Someone has said that pride is the mother sin that gives birth to other sins. I have other sources of validation, which I can consciously acknowledge are far superior than turning to fantasy, but the trick as always is to train my brain to think that way in the moment and therefore 24/7.

    Going deeper and a bit darker, there is something powerfully attractive to me in mixing blatant sexuality with innocence (reading that back I'm quick to add, never underaged). I'm trying to turn these thoughts towards my wife in a good way - she is gorgeous. I think, objectively so. Having 4 kids we are "older and tireder" and it shows - but even now there are moments when I just catch a sight of her gorgeous hair or figure and it is tremendous. I love our intimate times together - more seldom that I might like, I suppose, but in my research and experience, the frequency in our sex life is pretty normal - and this is an "innocent" or legitimate provision for sexual fulfilment. So I think that want for sexiness and innocence is met in the right way - if I focus there.

    I think everyone battling with this addiction should take time to think through these deeper roots behind our behaviour.
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think I get what you mean. It is an attempt to go back in time, to rediscover what we missed. I think we can go back, in a sense. If we allow ourselves we can live in the moment and thus empower our senses to be carried away, as though on the current of a river. We search for such innocence in P, because it feels safer. Being vulnerable with another human being can be terrifying, especially when you know them well.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Enjoying the conversation with you in the thread, @Saville my man. Absolutely - an appeal of P is that this person will never go against you while they are just pixels on a screen, it doesn't take a big emotional investment, in F there is no hard work in the relationship. But it's all crap. P is working against you while you are giving yourself to it. It tears down your emotional aptitude and resilience. F undermines meaningful relationships. Being vulnerable with another human being is hard but the payoff is amazing when it works - a real human being who is in your corner thick and thin - the actual sex/orgasms are icing on the cake, really.

    I gotta stay, my heart is still physically fluttering whenever this fetish comes to mind. Every good or noble aspect in that fetish which I can extract from it, I do see in my wife, so I'm trying to reassign my thinking that way and it's working. I'll keep at it.
    Saville likes this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Another way of looking at fetishes is they are just like thousands of myriad thoughts that float through our brain each day. I remember walking across a very high bridge once and had the thought "what if I jumped?" Of course, the last thing I would've done is jumped. We all have thoughts that are random and that we will never, not in a million years, act upon. A fetish, however, is a bit of an obsession. It is like OCD. We have a thought and then we worry that that thought is real. We see a person walking down the street, we feel the car go bump, and we wonder if we just ran over them. We think about driving back to make sure they're ok. In a case like that, we've interrupted the natural thought process with fear. So, perhaps our fear of intimacy leads us to fetishizing because that feels safer, even though it makes us also feel uncomfortable, than actually relating to the world in a natural way.

    A lot of our thoughts are just noise, just like our dreams. They come, they go, and we don't need to attach any meaning to them. I have no doubt that there are good things you can glean from your fetish and see those in your wife, but I would be careful not to rationalize that she represents some good aspect of them. See her as she is, not how you think she fits into your struggles. Btw, I'm not admonishing you, just writing out my thoughts as they occur to me.

    As men we must act according to our masculinity, our inherent maleness that includes music, poetry, consideration, sexual prowess, love, etc. This will then motivate us to be present in the moment, instead of chasing thoughts/noise that are as ephemeral as air.
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  17. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Great thread about fetishes. RG, you might be interested in Jay Stinger, he has a book out that that advocates for how fetishes and sexual acting out is directly related to unresolved trauma. It's from a Christian perspective.

    Anyways, I thought of your journal title when I saw today's verse of the day on my Bible app:

    So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.
    Hebrews 10:22‭-‬25 MSG
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  18. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Love the posts @Saville and @realness .

    REALLY up against it here at 21 days, trying to stay the course. If I'm not careful every hour over the next few hours/days I'll be reporting a relapse.
    Saville likes this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Post in your journal often. There's nothing like articulating one's thoughts through words to help gain perspective. You've got this!
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, Rudolph, Saville is right; keep posting. What has also worked for me lately is reminding myself that the urges will pass if we stop and think about what's going on in the moments we're feeling vulnerable. The habit will only die if we remember that the compulsions we feel are not actually compulsory. Your signature tells the story: you have moved past urges before (because they are not real things) and can move past them again!
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.

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