Hanging in there. It's amazing how some streaks fly by, days rack up on autopilot before I know it. Then some streaks, I log on here and think, only 6 days??? Feels like I've been at it for ages. The lesson is, as always, don't blow it in the first place, Gene! More amped-up music for productivity:
I journal in about 4 places. Here, and 3 individual journals on penzu.com. One is a general journal. One is specifically focused on things related to productivity. One is specifically focused on things related to P - things I might not put here for now, 'cause they're too personal for a public forum, even with trustworthy guys who are going through similar things. I always start here tho. I think that's because of that little dopamine hit when someone likes or responds to posts. Shows how strong the force runs with these neurological impulses! Anyways, hit a lull in my work where all remaining tasks for this Friday are just so unattractive. So I thought I'd quickly jump on here instead of getting carried away with the usual escape by distraction... The thought above came to mind so I jotted it down... from here I'll probably do some Metascript journalling in the productivity page. And aim to get ahead by close of business later! Stand with me, pray with me, brothers. Let's get it done, let's go!
Thanks gents. Made it through another weekend with no P. I'm encouraged that this streak is "cleaner" than the last in terms of my thought life and what I'm allowing in my intake. Grateful for the blockers and the forum. Will keep at it.
That is the opportunity you need to find the roots of this shit. In case you haven´t given in already, sit a moment in silence with the urges and face them and see what comes up and why you want to escape the here and now. There is no escape, eather you do it today or in ten or twenty years, because it will continue to come up and cause pain and suffering unless you face it. All the best.
This is exactly right @Libertad . I know why I want to escape. The motive to escape is a workload which feels crushing at times, a to-do list which doesn't seem to get shorter because every time I cross off one item there are three more waiting behind it. It becomes difficult to even do small tasks under this pressure. I've tried looking at the bigger picture - delegation, saying "no" to tasks, trying to build a sustainable pace and pattern of life etc - I'm always looking at these things - but there's no easy way to provide equal or more income for fewer hours worked. So I feel a little trapped - adding to a negative mental state. Now I know the choice to escape doesn't work out in the long run, it actually worsens the pressure. All it takes is a stray thought to set me on the path of seeking out an O. My wife has actually talked about how she is open for more intimate times together but life is life, she has had a severe toothache for a several days, dental appointment is on Friday, it seems like it's always something. So an image or thought will stick with me and present itself as a viable avenue for release. Binging for me, lately, is never quick. It's going to suck in a chunk of my week like a black hole and then still take even more time after MO to get back on track with life. As hard as it is for me today to pick up and work, I don't want to have to come on here and report that happening. But it's hard to engage with work. I'm battling, man. Let's do it - good music, a beverage in hand, and have at thee. Let's go. I can't change the past, and I sure can't get through everything today, but I can absolutely make a start on the right path through this thing.
Just a few thoughts, maybe they don´t make much sense so don´t take them the wrong way. What do I know after all. I don´t have a family, so I sure have less stress when it comes to that. Life can be seen as an endless to do list which can create a lot of never ending pressure. Could there be a way, to give yourself a goal each morning for this day of lets say for the sake of it of three points from the to do list and if they are done, you take the pressure of and view the day as a successfull and productive day? If you want to do more, then you can do another point from the to do list and view it as if you have done more then was needed that day. From my experience, this way feels amazing. I give myself a small goal that I know I can finish that day, I feel good when I reached my goal and often got into a flow and motivation to do a few points more from the to do list with motivation because there is no more pressure, I already accomplished my goal for the day and this gives a great feeling of satisfaction at the end of the day. You start to see each day as successful because you reached your goal. Not sure if this is a way for your kind of work or job, but in my case it helped a lot.
@Libertad thank you for the suggestion and the respectful way you mention it. I have spent hours and hours trying different methods and hacks for productivity mindsets. I have tried similar goal-setting (my favourite is Chris Bailey's "rule of 3") and "gamifying". My best hack lately is to break it down into smaller chunks of work (sometimes as small as "Switch on your pc") so that I don't feel resistance to the work that way. But a day like yesterday I couldn't bring myself to do it. I think in addition to these hack-style solutions to a stressful lifestyle I need to give more time to a better mindset, bridging from the headspace which is saying "I can't cope, I can't do this" to "let's get it done". I know even for a cart that is loaded too high there are ways to improve that situation and it is more helpful to engage and get there, than to escape and try avoid it. It requires a mindset which says calmly "I can get this, I know what I am able to do today and I'm doing it." The best way I know how to bridge from the old mindset to the new is journalling through these things. (An open Bible helps me here as well.) Huge plus: Last night after fam was off to bed - this is my usual trigger moment. After watching a really good show I sat and thought about all the ways I could hunt for P or P subs. I ran through all the blockers I'd have to get around, and the hours it might take to go down all the old rabbit holes to get to an MO. I decided there was nothing worth it. So I watched another episode and went to sleep. This must be the norm - a firm mindset that realises how unworthy P is of my time. I still couldn't bring myself to do urgent work though. I got up this morning a little early to try make a start on it and I did alright with that. I'm hoping that this is just a slump, that I am getting through it and can manage any future slumps well.
(Again, don´t take the following points the wrong way, I am addresing myself at the same time when I write them here.) My previous post was a superficial fast way of an attempt to alleviate the pressure for the moment. Different methodes of motivation or viewing things on the surface. But that is no substitution for the need to sit a moment with the things that come up when the urges for PMO are strong. If the outside pressure is huge and the tendency and urge to use PMO to escape it starts growing, there are questions to be asked. Why do I want to escape? Why do I feel the need to escape when outside pressures are big instead of working through them? Do I feel incapable of doing what needs to be done? Why? Do I feel used by outside circumstances or people and that creates some sort of feelings, helplessness? feeling weak? Why? What lays beneath all that? What makes me want to escape instead of doing the tasks needed even that my logical part of the mind knows, that the longer I avoid them, the harder life gets because they pile up and cause immense stress on myself. And so on. Of course we don´t have the time to do this each time the urges are there, but doing this sit downs in silence with oneself from time to time can help.
@Libertad yes exactly. I use the Metascript method which covers most of those bases. https://universalman.com/free-guides/metascript-method/ But still having some trouble, so it is worthwhile to continue going thru the "deep dive" questions you pose above and which this method also gets into. Most of the literature talks about how helpful the mind shift is: for example when trying to exercise, it's better to think "I am a runner, that's what I do, how do I then behave right now" rather than just "Oh man, I really should run today, but I don't feel like it (I'm being a lazy person... I'm lazy)." I can agree with this. So for my situation it's to come around to thinking "I am a good worker, this is what I want to be doing, this is my calling for this season, there is definitely a way I can process this" rather than the more despairing line of thinking I've gotten stuck in, "This is too hard, I can't cope." I also want to start tracking these "slump days". They roll around frequently, but I'd say 70% of the time + I don't battle to work. I think it's about once every 2 weeks I get stuck, but it might be more. Maybe if I embrace these slump days I'll do better. Maybe it's my system telling me I need a break and if so, I can plan my tasks around those days when I'm battling to work. Just thinking out loud here.
Relapse. 3 compulsive MO's yesterday with various P subs. So awful to report this here! Analysed it and here's what I have come up with: - Not operating from a place of secure identity. - Stress -> avoidance... exactly what Libertad was driving at above. - Not implementing the game plan. I actually have a process which I enjoy, for the first time in years, I'm looking forward to getting to work in the morning because of the system I've ironed out over the last two years... but... that doesn't help if I don't stick to it. - As unattractive as this sounds, I think I'm going to have to commit to a daily checkin with: reminding myself of the identity stuff, an honest look at how I'm doing with urges today, and a stern, honest look at the trigger moment. From the moment of that first stray thought I need to respond better. Happy to start out clean again today.
It really helps to see a f...up as an opportunity to learn, like you do, instead of beating yourself up for something that happened in the past. Well done for coming here and analysing what was going on. Have a great day.
Hey man are things going better? Sometimes it is difficult for me to get going in the right direction again after a reset.
Thanks @Libertad and @TrueSelf . Not doing too badly all things considered. I lost a client which isn't great, but I'm actually also relieved - they were my most difficult client and let's face it, I'm too busy at the moment. I'm not going to rush to get another contract with someone else, I think I need the time more right now, so I'm going to see if I can make my budget work without taking someone else on. Still feeling a bit stuck in PMO and anti-productive. There was obviously some emotional toll what with losing that client, and on top of that, the blocker I was trying out was making my phone unusable, so I took it off - I regrettably took the opportunity to go on and look at some stuff I shouldn't have last night. Classic lying-to-myself bull$#!+. Today I will load another blocker or two, and I'll press through with my system to help me grapple with the root causes of these issues and how I will adjust accordingly. This usually always helps me to do better immediately, but I'm hoping it will also get me to a cleaner lifestyle in the long run as well - if I can keep it up consistently. Let's go.
This is a great idea. Climbing out of the rut can mean changes to our work lives. A difficult person has exited your life and that is reason to rejoice.
Rudolph, I agree with Saville. When I stopped doing side jobs, I had so much more time for the GF, and my sense of overwhelm subsided. It didn't disappear, and I think you know you'll still have plenty to do without this difficult client. But they can be soul-crushing. Take the extra time and be good to yourself. You know what you need to do.
Thanks @Saville and @Mozenjo . I finished the first season of Barry last night on Prime. I think a show is good if it teaches me about life and about myself. Barry is a hitman played by Bill Hader who wants to leave "the life" behind and take up acting. All along you think he's a decent guy. Until by the season finale [SPOILERS] he has killed 2 innocent people to cover up his tracks. The show closes with him getting back to bed after dealing with hiding the latest body and repeating to himself for at least the third time in the season: "Starting... now!" This hit me like a ton of bricks. Aren't we all like this guy? Well, let me rather just speak for myself... I've behaved just like Barry: "I really am a person who wants to leave PMO behind, starting now! Oops. Starting now! Or... now! Maybe now?" I can say to myself I'm trying to quit, or that I'm trying to be a person who does the right thing, but if I continue in a pattern of choosing unhelpful, destructive, hurtful behaviour, who am I really? Am I kidding myself? I think we can all agree that to be the men we want to be will take more commitment than that... drawing a line in the sand and saying, "even if it hurts me I will not go there anymore." (I know we make mistakes. I'm saying there ought to be a change in our modus operandi, a change in our thoughts and identity, which leads to a pattern of resisting PMO - if the pattern is going the other way, deeper into PMO, we have not sufficiently made a change in our thinking and our identity. Is it a "mistake" or a lifestyle? Is it a "slip" or a slide? Is it an event or a pattern? We are who our patterns show us to be.) Anyway what do I know - it worked for me last night to help me to avoid the wrong decision so I think it's a good line of thinking. I'll tell you what I believe though - the Biblical Christian worldview is so helpful with dealing with issues of guilt, identity, and helpful patterns, I'd be lost without Christ. (No-one can claim like Barry tries to, "I'm really a good person", because, like Barry, we're all too quick to give ourselves to what's NOT good. But Jesus puts His goodness on us and empowers us to walk it out.)
