A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Ok guys, just a quick post because I have to go to eat some lunch. I have to admit a relapse. Shit happens. But I saw it coming. The last weeks I had no discipline at all, I procrastinated on my life so to speak. And then shit like this happens.

    I should see that as a warning and as a starting point. It's not the end of something but it's the start. It's time to regain focus now. Focus on all the things that are good for me and that I didn't do the last 3-4 weeks. That's the only thing I can do to get something positive out of it. I don't start tomorrow or next week, I start right now. Life doesn't wait just because I am not motivated.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It happens. If you can move on, it won't really have mattered. It's like getting a wet foot while walking; you'll keep on walking and eventually it will be dry again.
     
    -Luke- and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Props on you for coming here and posting this. Slips are tricky but as they say (cliché), it's not about counting the days but making the days count. Keep on building the new as your signature rightly says. A slip is always an occasion to readjust and correct certain elements, learn certain things. Good luck !
     
    Merton likes this.
  4. occams_razor

    occams_razor Active Member

    Do you think the dating sites were a factor in the relapse?
     
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey guys, thanks for the encouragement. I don't feel bad today. It seems to help that I don't have a counter anymore. I didn't have to reset the counter and feel the shame. Today isn't day 0 or day 1. Today is just another day. Was awake early today and watched the last few minutes of the NBA conference finals. If the Raptors can make the finals for the first time in franchise history, all of us can make something good out of our lives too.

    @occams_razor
    No, that wasn't a factor, I'm pretty sure about that. On the dating website I use you cannot see pictures from other people (you can see them after a while, if you make contact and they allow you to see the pictures). So it's not that I'm clicking from profile to profile while fantasizing about these women (like I did on facebook or instagram in the past). And I don't spend too much time on the site. But I know what you mean. Things like this could be potentially triggering, just like social media.
     
  6. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Felt a little down today, I little drained of energy. Hadn't a good day at work. Later I felt better and today was the first day of the rowing course (every monday and friday evening for the next 5 weeks). We didn't do much, had an introduction and practiced the technique on the rowing machine. Next time we'll practice on the water. It's only 5 people, two other men (way older than me) and two women (younger than me). One of the girls is very sweet but very young. Rowing seems like fun. I'm looking forward to the next session.
     
    Merton likes this.
  7. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Hi there Luke!

    Slightly surprised to see you active again on here! I remember the monthly contests we used to host in 2014, complete with banners for the lucky victors who made it to the end. Those were the times, haha.
    We sure were highly motivated back then, to kick this addiction in the proverbial butt. Maybe a bit naive, but there was no lack of motivation.

    Oh yeah, my username was 'Joo' I back then I believe, in case you remember.

    I read you managed to go about 400 days without pmo from your opening post. Quite impressive. If you had to pinpoint that success to one factor, what would it be, if I may ask.

    Myself, I've been slowly gaining more distance from the old lifestyle. The artificial reality of porn no longer has the same attraction on me it had before, more than that, I've come to realize the true underlying issue of all this is lust. We're talking about a human condition here, a state of the heart, which porn feeds into. It's this realization which led me back to my belief in Christ who came in the flesh to be victorious over all sin and to set free whoever believes in Him. From there on I've been experiencing an ongoing progression towards more freedom from unrighteous, destructive desire. Fragments of this journey can be read in my journal at the Reboot Nation Forums.

    Wishing you the wisdom of God that's above the wisdom of men.

    Joost
     
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey @Joost ,

    thanks for your comment. Yeah, I remember the old days. A lot of activity in the forum back then and a lot of great guys (Underdog, Apeman, fugu, Gameover,...). I hope these guys are all right today. I remembered your name and looked in my old journal from 2014. You posted there, too. I stopped posting in 2014 because I just felt to depressed but I came back at the beginning of this year.

    Regarding the 400 days: I don't know if I can name one factor that helped me. It wasn't that I changed much then and I wasn't living life like superman. I remember one evening, must have been late summer / autumn 2016 (I was 50 or 60 days clean at the time). I sat on the couch browsing the web and stumbled over a huge trigger (ironic enough while I was on reddit/nofap). A trigger that would've lead to acting out every time before that moment. But this time I didn't relapse. My heart was racing and I could feel the dopamine rush but I closed the laptop lid. Maybe that was a moment that changed a lot. After a while it got easier. I still had cravings and porn flashbacks but I was able to deal with them. I relapsed after around 400 days because I couldn't sleep longer than 2 or 3 hours a night for a week and I just couldn't deal with it anymore. After that the addiction sucked me back in.

    By the way: Is Joost your real name? Sounds dutch. Are you from there?
     
  9. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Yeah, I briefly saw you mentioning sleeping issues in one of your posts. Goes to show this is a true demon. Just 2 or 3 hours a night, that's devastating. I relate in the way that I had to deal with a severe sleep disorder myself for the last three years. It's more a sleep paralysis thing, were I wake up exhausted despite plenty hours of sleep. I have various explanations for it. Surely porn plays its role, but the way I see it, we're in a spiritual battle against wickedness. My dreams often had a wicked theme to it, in which I would be either witnessing or doing evil acts and wake up paralyzed, filled with fright and spiritually depleted. Well, we can't expect to take part in evil deeds and not have it affect us.

    Yeah, it's my real name. I'm from there.
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2019
  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Nice. Ik spreek ook een beetje nederlands. Ik ben nog aan het leren. In het volgende weekend ben ik in Maastricht met mijn familie.
     
  11. Joost

    Joost New Member

    Cool, deutsch ist schwierigere Sprache :p

    That's not far from where I live.

    Het had niet veel gescheeld dan had ik in Maastricht gestudeerd, nu.
     
  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Had some cravings today for about 1-2 hours but didn't do something stupid. That's some kind of development. I relapsed three times this year but never binged. I'll spend some time with my family at the weekend. It's my mothers birthday I'll go on a small trip with my parents and my sister over the weekend. For the weekends after that I need make some plans. Football season is over so I have a lot of time on saturdays that I shouldn't waste by browsing the web all day. Fortunately it's getting warm now, so I'll be outside a lot.
     
  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I think that's a great sign of progress right there.

    Enjoy your coming plans, they seem pretty cool !
     
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Outdoors seems like a good place to start. Time to take out the bike again, maybe?
     
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Back from Maastricht. Nice and cool City, nice weather, and I was able to practice my dutch a bit. No internet use almost the whole weekend. Now I'll enjoy the weather and the rest of the weekend outside. By the way: I woke up with strong morning woods the last few days.

    @Eternity
    Yes, the bike gathered enough dust now. Time to use it again.
     
  16. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Good day and good energy levels throughout the day. I exercised before work and had the rowing course afterwards. First time actually on the water. It's way more complicated than it looks but it's really cool. Morning wood again this morning after waking up.
     
    Pete McVries and Gil79 like this.
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    After a few weeks of laziness (and one relapse more than two weeks ago) I think I’m back on track now. Used the time at the weekend quite good (it was a longer weekend, because yesterday was a national holiday). Was outside quite a lot and had some socializing. Today I had a good day at work and started with some stuff I procrastinated on for a long time. I’m behind on a few things but it’s manageable. Didn’t use the internet once today until now. I don’t know why I have periods like this where I do almost nothing meaningful for weeks and have to drag myself back when I feel some pressure.

    One of my favorite stories is a short story called “Hearts in Atlantis” by Stephen King. There’s also a movie with the same name but it’s a different story from the same book (I don’t know why they gave the movie the name of another story. The name of the story the film is based on is "Low Men in Yellow Coats"). It’s not a horror story like you would expect from King. It’s about some college students in the 60s who start to play the card game Hearts in their dormitory and get addicted to it pretty fast. After a while most of them don’t attend classes anymore and their grades go down rapidly. The main character (Pete) and his best friend (Skip) try to abstain from the game to stay in college. In the end they get away from it but almost all of their peers drop out of college after the first year. The story is also about the Vietnam war, about love, about friendship, about rebellion and authority and about growing up. I have read it four or five times now in my life. The reason this book is one of my favorites is that I can totally relate to the main character and his friends. And I don’t necessarily mean because of addiction (their card game addiction and my porn addiction. By the way: King as a former alcoholic and drug addict writes very beautifully about this topic. You can feel that he knows what he’s talking about.) although that certainly plays a role. But their struggle reminds me of my own struggle. I sometimes have periods where I procrastinate on almost everything and start to do my stuff again when pressure arises. In the 60s it was a card game nowadays it’s the internet, smartphones, TV etc.
     
  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Welcome back man. I was wondering where you had been. Thanks for sticking with us.

    PC
     
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Welcome back.

    That Stephen King short story sounds really interesting.
     
  20. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks. Little motivation for some time, even for YBR. But it’s ok now. I’m back on track. Had another good day at work and was able to find a solution for some problems that appeared yesterday.

    Yesterday evening my landlord called. He basically wants me out of the flat in the next months because he needs it for his “daughter”. I write “daughter” in quotation marks because I know for sure he doesn’t have one. I guess he just wants to make some money with someone new, because rents are rising fast in cities in the last few years (even a small city like the one I live in). At first I wanted to tell him that he can go fuck himself. But later I thought about it in a different way. I planned to look for something new anyways for some time. My current flat is next to a street with a lot of traffic so it can be pretty noisy. Besides that my landlord is jerk. I had some problems with him almost from the beginning. So instead of seeing the situation in a negative way it’s rather positive the way I see it. I can look for something new without a hurry.

    @Thelongwayhome27
    It is. I'm not the biggest fan of his horror stuff. Read some of it when I was younger. But he can write beautifully about friendship and youth.
     
    Pete McVries likes this.

Share This Page