A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Back home. From tomorrow on I still have a full week off work. Have some things planned so I won't sit on the couch all day browsing the internet. Yesterday I made an account for a dating website. First time I am on a site like this. Don't know what to expect but why not try it.
  2. LetsReclaimLife

    LetsReclaimLife New Member

    Success for real action ...
  3. theparanoid

    theparanoid New Member

    All the best, brother, you're not alone.
  4. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Which dating platform are you using? I've never used one but I have a friend who is on many dating websites and he told me that okcupid is supposed to be good if you are not only looking for a quick fling. But then again, I know two friends who found their partner on tinder, so what do I know?
  5. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Get in there man! I personally found online dating to be a total bust, personally. Depends a bit on your personality, but places i’ve found to met quality women:
    Dance classes (salsa, swing)
    Speed dating
    Improv/ Acting classes
    And life drawing (where I first met my wife, and no, neither of us was modeling :) )

    I feel like there is a danger in scrolling through photos and getting your hopes up. But I haven’t done it for a long time so maybe it’s got better. I always feel the best way to recover and reconnect is away from the screen.

    Good luck and keep us posted.
  6. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey guys, thanks for your replies.

    Regarding the dating website: I just made an account because I was interested. I don't know if I'll ever be very active on there. It's not that I think "I need a girlfriend right now". I was just interested how this works.

    @Pete McVries
    I made an account on parship. The thing is, I always hated parship because of the ads. You probably know the ads, they are everywhere in bigger cities and in train stations. The reason I hate them is because there are noting but supermodels on there. People who could have ten partners on every finger. It's hard to relate to that. But since you can make a free account, I just wanted to try it.

    @Professor Chaos
    On the website I use you can't see pictures. Well, you can see something but its pixelated so you don't see much. If you get in contact with someone they can give you access to the pictures if they like and vice versa. That's very important for me I think because I know I would check out hundreds of pictures and fantasize about these women. And that's definitely danger zone for me.

    But like I said, I don't know if I'll use it. I was just curious. I agree that it's optimal to meet women in real life but maybe for a shy and introverted guy like me online dating would be worth a try.
  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Good luck Mr Luke.

    I have no doubt you will make the right woman very lucky. They do like shy guys. If you need to run anything past us, please feel free.

  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey friends,

    sorry for the non-existent activity in the last 1-2 weeks. After the holiday was over it was kind of hard to get a rhythm again, to get a structure in my life again. It's not that my days have no structure at all when I'm on holiday but I always have a hard time after that. Didn't get much done at work in the last week. I just didn't have much motivation. I also skipped mediation a few times and had trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Exercising is really good though. I'm making constant progress in that area. For next week I need to get back to my old positive habits again. And that includes writing on YBR regularly.

    As you may have noticed I don't have a counter in my signature anymore. I felt a little bit pressured by the counter, hard to explain why. Everyday I looked at the counter and thought something like "More than 50 days for the first time in years. Can't relapse now" or "Only a few more days/weeks until I reach triple digits". But what happens if I reach triple digits? My goal is to be free of porn completely. Not for a certain period of time. If I don't want it in my life what's the difference between day 10, day 100 and day 1.000? I understand a counter can be very motivating and it motivated me at certain times in the past but I have a feeling that it's not good for me right now. So no counter at the moment.

    Regarding the dating website I didn't expect such a response. 6 or 7 women have written to me over the last days. One of them lives only 5 km from me and seems very nice. We are in contact now for almost two weeks and I feel that it's time to make the next step, to meet in real life. And here comes the shy Luke again. Same old, same old. I'm just a little bit worried when I think about a date in real life and my anxiety comes up again. But I don't know what's holding me back. What happens if we don't like each other or we realize that we don't have much in common? Then we don't see each other again. No big deal. That's life. I guess I should just ask her.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    A counter can be motivating, but I also found it to add a lot of pressure. Especially after a relapse where I thought I had to wait X days before I could exit the cave. So for me it isn't any good either.

    Anxiety works in strange ways. What I think we should consider is that the other part is most likely going to be as nervous, unless they have nerves of steel. So, just go for it. There's nothing to lose. In fact, the experience you gain regardless of the outcome should prove valuable.
  10. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I can relate with that mindset. I think a good bit of an initial motivator is a good thing, but that initial buzz from clocking up the days wears off and that’s when the real work starts. I think most peeps eventfully realise counters can be counterproductive (haha).

    I found the Brainbuddy app really helpful because even when you reset to 0, it still keeps track of your accumulating pmo free days, and that helps keep me from feeling back in the dark at day 1 like I haven’t got anywhere. It’s what we do with those pmo free days that counts.
    -Luke- likes this.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I was also becoming quite self conscious with my counter the last time. I felt like it was adding some undue pressure. I admire your courage to try the online dating thing. Personally I think it's a great idea and even if it's uncomfortable at first, the more one does this the more it becomes comfortable (to try connecting to girls, date or not). It's important not to get too disappointed if the first try isn't ideal and give it a few more shots before drawing conclusions.
    -Luke- and Pete McVries like this.
  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies, guys!

    Yes, the Waiting is also a thing for me when I use a counter. I always think that I have to wait until day 50, 100 or whatever to be the person I want to be. I guess that's a common line of thought here, not just for me. "I'll talk to this girl when I'm 100% sure that my PIED is gone", "I'm going on this vacation if I have more energy", "I'll spend more time with my friends if I don't feel so much shame anymore". And that's holding me/us back. My approach at the moment is basically that I'm trying to forget on which day I am.

    And yes, you are right. I wouldn't be the only nervous person.

    I haven't heard of this app. Sounds interesting. The "I already fucked up. It doesn't matter if I binge or not" mindset is the biggest downside of counters I guess. Even though that wasn't my biggest problem.

    Right now I'm really encouraged to continue with the online dating. At first I just wanted to see how that works but it's going nice.
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Didn't sleep good the last two nights but at the same time I'm not feeling bad. Energy levels are normal and I have no problems talking to colleagues. But I was very lazy at work the last few days. Too much internet browsing and not very motivated. I need to learn to act even though I don't have much motivation. I just cannot rely on that all the time.

    Nothing to report regarding the dating website. Although there are some drama queens around. You don't reply for a while (because you have something called a life) and they block you ("You don't seem to be interested"). I laugh about that. :D Women are funny sometimes.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I would venture to say those kind of women are doing you a favor by blocking you helping you dodge them :D
    Pete McVries likes this.
  15. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Yeah, you probably wouldn't want to deal with those drama queens in the first place :rolleyes:
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Same here. I haven't done more than what's required. Today I started to do some extra stuff, though. It is after all a job and I feel bad when I slack off, because it seems unfair to others who work hard.

    And yeah, you're better off without those women.
  17. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Tell you what, women are funny sometimes, but so are men. They're stupid both in a rather equally distributed manner. Not much variation in the bullshit to be found there, to be honest. People are weird. Be grateful for those idiots who are upfront about it. Their idiocy is kindness in disguise, it saves you both time and heartbreak.

    Motivations a fickle beast. Sometimes you can ride it like its a stallion, sometimes its like a donkey, unwilling to move, shitting all over the place. It's best to not pay too much attention to it when it's doing the donkey part. You're a person. Motivation is just a subsystem. Sometimes it is going to fuck up. Refer to that part of the brain that is content to just eat popcorn and watch, when the world burns. It'll pass. Everything always passes. It's like a thing.

    Pete McVries likes this.
  18. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    It's really weird right now. I'm feeling quite good the last few days (even though my sleep haven't been good) and I'm doing some good things after work and at the weekends. Playing billiard today und tuesday, was watching a movie with two friends on monday, watching football last weekend. So I'm quite social and I don't feel my social anxiety much at the moment. But at the same time I'm not getting things done. At work I'm lazy as fuck. Most of the time I'm browsing the web or I'm playing sudoku on my phone, I talk to colleagues or I am doing some pseudo work that doesn't help much. I just have no motivation at all. I also have no motivation to read books, to practice handstands, to write in my YBR journal (sorry about that) or to get out of bed in the mornings. Am I still in holiday mode? Every evening I promise to myself that I'll do some serious work the next day and nothing happens.

    Next monday the beginners rowing course I signed up for starts. I look forward to that.
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Ok guys, just a quick post because I have to go to eat some lunch. I have to admit a relapse. Shit happens. But I saw it coming. The last weeks I had no discipline at all, I procrastinated on my life so to speak. And then shit like this happens.

    I should see that as a warning and as a starting point. It's not the end of something but it's the start. It's time to regain focus now. Focus on all the things that are good for me and that I didn't do the last 3-4 weeks. That's the only thing I can do to get something positive out of it. I don't start tomorrow or next week, I start right now. Life doesn't wait just because I am not motivated.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It happens. If you can move on, it won't really have mattered. It's like getting a wet foot while walking; you'll keep on walking and eventually it will be dry again.
    -Luke- and Thelongwayhome27 like this.

Share This Page