A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Thank you, @Thelongwayhome27 and @Pete McVries!

    Not much to report for yesterday and today. At the moment the good days are more frequent than the bad days. When I have a bad night of sleep I don't feel to bad as I used to. I think I have a little bit more energy because of the longer period of abstinence and I can cope better with negative things in my life lately. It helps that I focus on my positive habits every day. Even if I have no motivation to meditate, to get up at 6 AM in the morning or to do some exercise I just do it. I don't want to talk about it too much at the moment, because I only had this mindset for the last 15 days or so. And I don't know if I'll be consistent with this. At the moment I act according to the old Nike motto "Just do it".
     
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Well, the energy wasted on PMO must end up somewhere. Great job on 40 days!
     
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  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    The ''more good days then the bad'' seems to be a good sign of progress and as such a good motivator to keep pushing forward on this path. On the other hand we may also need to be ready and anticipate periods when there could be, for a while, more bad days then good ones.

    I've also been feeling way more energetic lately. I was quite hypomanic on my first week. Now it's settled a bit and I feel, usually, more determined, assertive and energetic. I still have downs and moments of melancholia though which I think is also part of the process.
     
  4. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I 'struggle' with that too, but then again when the weather is nice I feel a lot better myself. I'm not sure if I have a winter depression or anything, but I do feel a lot better after winter. So, in my case at least, I do fantasize more when I see all these women with less clothes on (in fact I think most straight men do), but on the other hand I have less difficulty to deal with it because I feel better in general myself. I guess what I mean to say is that the effect fantasizing has on a person might differ depending on how he feels and therefore the sole fact that we fantasize doesn't have to be a red light. Sure, it's good to be cautious, but like you said: no need to blow things out of proportions.
     
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    @Thelongwayhome27:
    Yeah, I agree with this. I had some bigger streaks in the past and I know that recovery is not a linear process. There will be weeks when I'll feel bad for a longer time. But that's not a sign that the reboot isn't working and we shouldn't get discouraged by that. Actually I guess we should be more thankful for bad days. Not that I like them or anything like that. But they are an opportunity to grow as a person and to prove to myself, that I can deal with problems in my life without a quick fix (porn). In the past when I had heavy withdrawals even after a longer abstinence I hated it. I hated every second of it. But when those periods passed I felt way more grateful for normal things and better about myself.

    @Living
    Definitely. I find it hard to find a balance here. On the one side I shouldn't think that I failed if I check out a woman. Men are doing it even if they are not addicted to porn. But at the same time I know that in the past fantasies - even about woman in real life - lead to relapses. I guess it's best to just accept that I want to check out women on the streets. Accepting is not equal to acting on it.

    I try to always look in the womans face if one walks by me. But it's hard at moments.


    Last night I had an annoying porn dream again. Same experience as Thelongwayhome27 one day earlier. I couldn't get back to sleep afterwards (it was around 4 AM) and I was tired today. But I stayed away from the internet and will close my laptop lid after reading some other journals.
     
  6. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Good work staying clean after dreams! Porn dreams are definitely annoying. Usually I am relapsing in the dream. They can take some time to get out of.
     
  7. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Holy crap! you guys have the relapsing dream too? They scare the crap out of me. Most of the time I couldn't even remember what I was relapsing to (which is probably a good thing). I just remember the overwhelming feeling of sadness and regret. Only to wake up and be so relieved that it wasn't true.

    It's good to know I am not alone it this. But I hope it's something all of us can stop experiencing asap.
     
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Yes, those dreams are not rare for me. In the dreams I'm well aware that I want to stop porn and I feel the regret as well. But it's a good feeling if I wake up and realize that nothing has changed.

    I guess (and I hope) they become less frequent the longer we stay away from porn. But the old pathways are still very active and we need some patience.

    Edit:
    Good to see that many people here have some good streaks going at the moment. Stay strong, brothers.

    [​IMG]
     
  9. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Well put!
     
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    My experience is that the dream rate has actually increased lately, but that they are more "tame" than in the beginning. Perhaps this is a middle phase after which they'll become very rare.
     
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Today I had some strong cravings and porn flashbacks. It was difficult to concentrate at work. In a few minutes I'll go buy some groceries and I think I'll take the long way home (which takes almost an hour) to calm down a little bit. Won't use my computer again this evening except for downloading a podcast or something like that.

    Tomorrow I won't be at home much. Will play billiard for two or three hours, go to the city to buy some things I need and will then watch my local basketball team in the evening.
     
  12. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Look at my counter :cool:. And guess who kissed a woman yesterday. Et hätt noch immer jot jejange...
     
  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    This is good stuff. It makes me think I should start planning my free days better ahead. Especially when I'm in a phase when the cravings are high.

    Problem is if I plan social stuff it can be a source of stress as well and make the urges even worst. Maybe the solution is to plan some stuff on my own but have a game plan indeed and get out of the house more.
     
  14. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    @Pete McVries
    Well done man! I'm happy for you. I hope I can make some progress with my shyness around women soon. Et kütt wie et kütt.

    @Thelongwayhome27
    It shouldn't be stressful. I only plan social stuff if I like it. If I just do it to be around people without really enjoying it it won't help. I'm not a big party guy either and I don't drink alcohol anymore. Fortunately I have some things in my life that I like and that involves other people. Watching live football or basketball, playing billiards, maybe rowing (I'll start a beginners course in may), sometimes cinema. It helps. I still have some social anxiety around other people but it's not as strong as a few years ago.

    Sometimes I just go outside and wander around for an hour or two when the urges hit me. Or I'll take a book and go to the library or a bench at the river when it's warm outside. It doesn't have to involve other people. I've made progress with socializing lately but I like being alone, too.
     
  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks. This is good advice and applicable to my situation. Don't mean to hijack your own thread just thought it was worth a thank you.
     
  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Bonjour Lucky Luke. Reading through your journal reminds me why it was a good idea to come back. I can identify with a lot of what you have written here. For me the issue isn’t Instagram it’s Pinterest. It tends to lead to a similar slippery slope. I really like the idea of a habit tracker, the idea of having times of day that you just stay offline sounds like a great idea. Reconnecting with hobbies and old habits is so important. Good luck with moving forward and good on you for meditating daily. It makes a huge difference.
     
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  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    @Thelongwayhome27
    "Hijack" is much as you want. I really like the interaction in the journal section. This isn't a monologue. We can all benefit if we post on each others journals.

    @Professor Chaos
    Thanks for dropping by. I came back to this forum at the beginning of the year after almost 5 years. So I know what you're saying. Good luck to you too.


    Today I got up early and went for a walk in the morning. I like to go out of the house early on the weekends. There aren't many cars around in the morning and it's quiet. I listen to the birds singing their songs, the ducks in the river are quacking, the water is calm and peaceful. Not many people around. Some early joggers, some people with their dogs. When I come back home after the walk I feel good and calm. Was outside in the afternoon again. Great weather and many people are walking around, just like me. I saw many couples and that made me feel sad and a little lonely. I shouldn't be affected by that and I got over it pretty fast.
     
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  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I know the feeling. I used to get extremely affected, to the point of depressed. That was long ago, though.

    I also used to get out early. I was fortunate enough to live near the woods in the city, so in ten minutes I'd be away from everything. I still live a bit like that, despite not really having to anymore. That said, the nicest time for a stroll is usually in the morning or evening.
     
    -Luke- and Living like this.
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Yesterday and today I didn't have much energy and felt a little bit fatigued. I also had the tendency to isolate myself from others. Normal Ups and Downs I guess. A reboot is not a linear process.

    Yesterday evening I looked in the mirror and thought that from a body composition standpoint I'm at the peak of my life so far. More muscular than ever before in my life. Don't want to sound too superficial but it's nice to see that training is paying off if you do it regularly (something I struggled with in the past). That should be a motivation for other areas of my life.
     
  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hah, lucky luke is such a cigarette slim kinda dude that it kinda confused me when you said you were at your peak now.
     

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