A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    @Pete McVries
    Yeah Pete, let's do this. That's a good idea.

    I was in your stadium 4 or 5 times. The match that I remember most was 2016, the second to last game of the season. It was only a 0:0 but it was an emotional rollercoaster for me because we were fighting against relegation and I thought one point wasn't enough in that situation. Fortunately we were able to beat Frankfurt in the season final one week later which was one of the greatest moments in my life as a football fan.
     
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Last night I was awake during the night for more than one hour again. But this time I didn’t mind because I was able to see how my guy Dirk Nowitzki passed Wilt in the All Time Scoring List. Being an NBA fan in Europe sucks because almost every game is in the middle of the night but on days like this I don’t care. Afterwards I could get a solid 3.5 more hours of sleep. When I woke up I felt good. Definitely more energy than the days before. So I exercised before work and had a good day so far. Nice weather too. Last days were rainy and windy but today the sun is out a lot.
     
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Third day in a row where I feel good. Not great but good. And for someone who is used to a state of low energy and low motivation good feels like fantastic. I notice how my whole attitude and my presence changes on days like this. I talk to my colleagues more, I smile more often. Most of the time, when I feel bad, I isolate myself and stay away from other people.

    But then I wonder why it is like this. Why is the way I behave around other people so dependent to the way I feel? I think it’s obvious that there’s some correlation but for me the correlation almost seems to be close to 1. Why can’t I be good around people when I feel bad? I think it’s because I totally overestimate the way others perceive me. I’m in my own head too much, wondering what other people could think. But people don’t really care about that. They may notice that I look tired and don’t have much energy but they don’t care. Because feeling bad sometimes is part of life and everyone knows it. It’s also a sign of low self-acceptance. I need to work on that.
     
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  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Fifteen minutes ago I walked back home from work. A beautiful female jogger smiled at me. Usually I would first look away and then turn around to look at her ass and start fantasizing about her. Today I smiled back, didn't turn around and was just thankful for the smile.

    A normal reaction for many people. A big improvement for me.
     
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  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That's great indeed; I still inspect the ground or the horizon whenever I pass someone. There's something that blocks me from looking straight ahead.

    Yeah, I don't think most people focus on that; I got acne which at times gets horrible, and it makes me want to escape. But never have I heard anyone say anything, even on the worst days. It's probably human nature to worry about oneself, but when it stops us from functioning normally, it's gone too far. I remember growing less concerned about myself during the first reboot, so the addiction is definitely a culprit.
     
  6. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    Well done! This would be huge for me as well. I am extremely prone to doing the "look back" move. This was pretty inspiring for me to read.
     
  7. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Just from my own experience, I can say that you will feel better eventually in a very noticable way. For the first 26 days of my current reboot, I was very depressed but somehow I managed to pull through and stay clean. Then, on the night of the 26 day, I had a wet dream which catapulted me out of the flatline and since then I feel super happy, my emotions are back, I feel comfortable in my own skin, I've become a lot more sociable, I sleep like a baby and only need up to 5-6 hours to feel well rested, there are so many benefits, it's crazy. So yeah, keep racking up these clean days and good things will happen!
     
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  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    For the first time since my last relapse porn cravings are stronger again. I remind myself on what I want in my life and that porn is incompatible with my goals. Best solution when I have cravings is to leave the house. I was out for light run and agreed to go to the cinema with my father in one hour. A film about german goalkeeper Bert Trautmann who played in England after second world war and became a hero after being a prisoner of war a few year earlier. Spening time with my father is mostly a little bit weird because we have different interests and don't talk much.
     
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Absolutely. I had some wild urges just recently, so I might head out for a walk. It's stormy outside but it's gonna get my mind off things. And yeah, if we just take 10 seconds and think about what this means to us, it's much easier to change course.
     
  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    In November of last year I installed a habit tracker app on my phone and I check 9 positive habits every day. Last week I had the first "perfect week" and I had a good start to this week. Focussing on positive activities in your life is crucial I think. For a long time I focussed on avoiding things that aren't good for me (mainly porn). But focussing on things that you actually do and that are good for you helps with this, too.
     
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  11. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I cannot agree with this enough. Since I have been focusing on improving instead of jailing myself I have felt much better.
     
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  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    That's one of the most important things I've learned since I'm trying to stop. At first I just tried to stop PMO and I waited. And waited. And waited... And nothing happened.

    That's why I have the quote "The secret of change is to focus all your energy not fighting the old, but on building the new" in my signature. I know it's not originally from The Underdog. But I read it from him first.
     
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  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    To me this is the essence of dealing with my problems and the only sane way to go.
     
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  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I've been there... Simply quitting is not going to fix much. It may help in the beginning but eventually the only way out is forward.
     
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  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    The last few weeks I had no real problems with porn fantasies and cravings. But today I had porn flashbacks almost the entire morning and noon. That came out of nowhere and I had trouble concentrating on my work. Maybe it’s because I had a porn dream last night that almost ended wet. Fortunately I have some distraction today. After work I’ll go to dinner with some colleagues and a former colleague who is in town this evening. Will be home late and there won’t be much opportunity to give in to the thoughts.
     
    Merton likes this.
  16. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Yeah the flashbacks are annoying, but sounds good that you have some distractions planned! Have fun man.
     
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  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Fortunately it was just the one day. Today I don't have any problems with fantasies and flashbacks. Also have a good amount of energy today and a really positive attitude.

    Tomorrow I'll watch football and will be out of house the whole day (from 7:30 AM until close to midnight). Weather will be nice, too. I look forward to it.

    I hope you will have a good weekend, gentlemen!
     
  18. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Another important win for my club yesterday. It was a nice day overall. Saw a few friends and had some fun. But I really struggled with fantasies yesterday. Weather was nice and warm and women didn't have as much clothes on. So I looked longer than I maybe should have and I started to fantasize a bit now and then. I don't think I should blow that out of proportion but I should be aware that something like this sometimes lead me to a cycle that ended in a relapse in the past.

    After getting home late and the switch to summer time in europe I got only 4 hours of sleep last night. So I was tired most of the day so far but not extremely tired and I enjoyed the good weather until noon.
     
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  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Congrats to your club and also to your 40 days :) Much respect !
     
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  20. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    Congrats on 40 days clean, Luke. That's a huge milestone. Keep doing your thing, it seems to be working ;)
     
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