Glad to hear that you're feeling better. There's nothing worse than not being able to do anything... I'd say it's worth a try. It's nice to get up early and get all those things done while it's still morning.
Today I failed with that. Woke up at 2:30 AM and read for 40 minutes. Was asleep again at around 3:30 and woke up at 5:30, but was lying in bed until almost 7:30. I like to do some private stuff before I go to work but on a day like today I have to rush. Glad it's weekend now. Tomorrow I plan on playing some billard with a friend and watch my local basketball team in the evening. Also have some exercise to do because I only managed to exercise once this week so far (partly because of illness). The last few days I used the internet too much at work. I was very strict with it this year so far but let it slip this week.
Had another of my "regretting my past choices" moments today. I started learning some french today. Quite a positive thing and no reason to feel bad about. I remembered how I started to learn french in 2012 or 2013 but didn't continue after a few weeks. That made me thinking that I could be a fluent speaker now if I just would've kept going. Instead I'm on the starting line again. That's a familiar thought pattern for me. I find a book in my book shelf that I bought 5 years ago and still haven't read. That makes me realize how much time I wasted in the past. I see a beautiful young woman somewhere and I think about the missed opportunities I had when I was that age. I work on an athletic skill (certain advanced bodyweight strength skills) and that makes me feel sad because I worked on that skill years ago, didn't continue and am at the same level now then I was a few years ago. Fortunately I could use some of that thinking as motivation lately. "Don't waste another five years" I say to myself. "Start working on that now. Read that book now. If you don't do it you will be regretting it again five years from now". And that keeps me going. So I guess I've made some progress there - using my past as motivation to do better. And maybe I should keep doing this. But thinking to much about the past is still a thing I don't want to do and I need to work on.
For me it hits the hardest when I see a young person who's already done so much more than I have. It's not jealousy, but rather my inner demon pointing a laughing finger at me saying "you failure." In saying that, I realize that I not everything I've done is worthless. It's just that with all the time wasted, it's hard to look at it from the positive point of view.
Last night I was looking for some sexy pictures on Instagram and had some tabs open. When I started to look at the pictures I realized what I was doing and closed the browser. Then I woke up. It was a just dream. Funny how even in a dream you are aware of what you want (and do not want) in real life. Didn’t sleep more than 4 hours the whole night but was in a good mood after waking up. Today I got some things done I procrastinated on at work. That was a good start for getting back on track. The last few days I was very lazy, not only with work but also with my other goals in life. Was using the internet too much and skipped meditation twice. I should see this as an early warning.
That's a good point. When healthy routines decline, they give way for less healthy. A dream such as that would likely have ended wet for me. Nice to see that you're able to resist even in sleep.
I totally agree. This was often the case for me in the past but I realized it not until after a relapse. If I notice it before that I can take some corrective measures. Usually it ends wet for me too. And this was the first time where my dream self resisted porn. I'm usually aware that I don't want this even in a dream but I do it anyways.
Stumbled upon a quote from my favorite tv series of all time - The Wire - today and wanted to share it here: Walon: Look, forgiveness from other folks is good, but ain't nothin' but words comin' at you from outside. You want to kick this shit, you got to forgive your own self. Love yourself some, brother. And then drag your sorry ass to some meetings. Bubbles: Meetings? Walon: What the f*** do you wanna hear? That you're strong enough to do this by yourself? Gettin' clean's the easy part. And then comes life. I really love it because it describes me so well. "You want to kick this shit, you got to forgive your own self. Love yourself some, brother." I think this is one of the keys for me to beat this addiction. Self acceptance and forgiveness. I've always struggled with this and have to put a lot of work here. This journal, this forum, the journals of others is the meeting.
I like it. What I've learned in my current reboot is that I really don't have to fear anything. My main goal is to be authentic and upright. Integer (Deutsch). If you are able to be authentic, upright and vulnerable, nothing really can do you any harm because you are in peace with yourself. I'm in the process of achieving that by confiding my best friends (4 guys) and my whole family (parents & siblings). For the longest time, I was so fearful that anybody might find out what was wrong with me but now, I'm going to reveal the secret and it will feel great because deep down I know that neither my family nor my friends will expel me. I've already told my two best friends and they reacted really well. They even told me about their own history with porn, so we had a really great talk at eye level. I've also already told my younger brother about my history with porn and its harmful effects because I feared that he might have PIED himself which, luckily, wasn't the case. So yeah, you can't erase your history and problems with porn. Why hide it? It's just an extreme burden on your shoulders. Of course, I'm not advising you to tell EVERYONE, but if you have best friends for years and trust your parents and your siblings (if you have any), then I don't see why you wouldn't want to tell them. After all, they would most likely want to help you and support you as much as they can. It also creates another level of accountability. Take care!
Thank for your input Pete. Really appreciate it. I often thought about the topic you brought up here. Opening up to others and sharing your story in real life. I'm convinced this would help big time but I didn't manage to tell anybody yet. With my family it's complicated. I'm kind of the "black sheep" in my family. By that I don't mean I have a bad relationship to my parents or my sister. I'm just very different. My parents and my sister are similar to each other in points of general world view, hobbies, things that are important for them. I am just different and it's difficult to have trustful relationship because of that. I never shared really private things with my parents or my sister. We weren't raised to talk much about our feelings. When I talk to my father we mostly talk about football. We don't really share common interests besides that. Our relationship is ok but it's not close either. With my mother I can talk about more privat things and our relationship is good. But I'm afraid she wouldn't understand. We know two alcoholics really close. An uncle of mine (brother of my father) who is sober for more than ten years now and a friend of my mother who is struggling with the addiction. From conversations about this topic I know that my parents don't understand addiction at all. I don't blame them. I didn't understand it myself before I found out about my own addiction. I don't have many friends. Thats's ok. I would rather have a few close friends than thousands of people with whom I have a shallow relationship (Facebook-Friends). There are three friends I could talk to about that. One of them lives abroad and we only see each other once or twice a year these days. Another one would maybe be the obvious choice because we discovered porn together when we were young (his older brother had some magazines and VHS). The third one I see almost every day because we work at the same place. And we talked about really personal and intimate stuff before. I applaud you for being so open about it. I wish I could be like that too. Maybe I should just do it because we have the same goals. You wrote "My main goal is to be authentic and upright". This is exactly how I feel and in many areas of my life I've made good progress with that.
I feel very similarly to what you describe here. I do not agree with almost any member of my family on politics, religion, etc. etc. I think it makes me feel like I do not have many people I can relate to. Due to growing up like this, I think I often feel isolated.
I know what you're saying. I'm rather introverted. I was like that even as a child so I don't blame porn or my upbringing or whatever. Other people often have a hard time connecting with me. A female colleague told me a few weeks ago at work "I don't know anything about you". I'm just not a person who shares much about himself. I can't understand people who share everything they do on facebook or twitter, even if it's totally meaningless. I'm ok with who I am. But at the same time I sometimes envy people who are more "mainstream". And I don't necessarily mean "mainstream" in a negative way. People who can just do this and do that without thinking about it. People who are more open about things and not always in their own head.
That's exactly the way you should feel. Our society is very much norm based and creates a false sense of being normal. Everyday we are bombarded with information on all levels on how we should shave, how we should look, how we should diet, which products will benefit us, whom we should date, what it means to be a man/woman, all men NEED to be ALPHA or else they are doomed and so on and so forth. Just take a look at people with ADHD. They have a horrible time in school (which is nothing more but an institution to make you 'normal'). Just think back a few hundred years. People with ADHD must have been the most gifted hunters and scouts and were extremely valuable to their tribe. Nowadays, they are losers who need to take that good kiddy-coke, yeah feed these kids some amphetamine, hmmm, yummy! You could work on being a little more open but don't put on an act just so other people feel more comfortable around you. That's not your loss!
Same, I was very shy and liked my own company best even at a very young age. I'm pretty much a locked chest to which the key is lost. You have to force me open to get any information. While I do have FB, I never post anything on my own page. I tried to for a while, but it didn't feel worth it. I think I read that Greg LeMond (famous pro cyclist) suffered from it, and his way of dealing with it was to ride his bike. Since he became world champion, you're absolutely right about that. It's really sad that we're all supposed to fit in the same norm.
Had a really good weekend. On Saturday I was playing billiards in the new club for almost 3 hours and in the evening I visited a former colleague who lives nearby. Yesterday I was watching football live at the stadium and my team had a big and unexpected win. I saw some people there that I see at most 3 or 4 times a year. Not much time for the internet and a lot of time spend socializing. Last night I slept like shit and I feel very tired today but made the best out of it at work and made some progress with a problem I’m trying to solve. Not much energy today so I will spend the evening reading on the couch.
I always imagined you could be a Breisgau Brasilianer but now I'm confused solving the puzzle which team you are rooting for. Maybe 2. Liga Arminia Bielefeld but you don't strike me as an Ostwestfale. What book are you are reading at the moment? I started reading "Vom Himmel auf Erden" a very recent book about human sexuality written by a sex therapist. It's only 10€ and it has great user reviews as well as great reviews from the specialist press. I think it will help me a lot in developing a healthy mindset regarding my own sexuality. Take care! Edit: I think, I solved the riddle. Puppenkiste?
Werder Bremen it is. But I'm not from Bremen and not from the north. I was born in Hessen and live in Koblenz now. But I support Werder since I am 6 years old. I'm mostly reading two books at a time, one fiction and one non-fiction. At the moment I am reading "Morenga" by german author Uwe Timm (I got that for christmas) and "The Book of Basketball" by Bill Simmons. Your books sounds interesting. I'm going to look into it.
When I think of Werder, I always remember Micoud and Diego, man, what a sick team they had during that time. Oh, not to forget about kleines, dickes Ailton My club sucks. There is huge potential and always has been. The club is an integral component of the city and everyone in the region I live in is at least a sympathizer for the club even though there is a financially extremely more potent club next to us. But we despise these "Pillen" and everything they stand for. We have a lot of original treasury of songs and we don't take ourselves to serious. Being self-deprecating is part of our coping mechanism because in our mind, we are not only the best team of Germany but the best of the world. We, the fans, think we are the best fans in the world and to be honest, that might be close to the truth because even in the second division our stadium is almost always sold out. And remember when we conquered London not too long ago and showed these english 'fans' what real support looked like... Our stadium announcer welcomes guest fans with the words: "Welcome to the most beautiful city of Germany!" even though we KNOW that our city is not the most beautiful city of Germany. But high-handedness is part of our identity. Selbstbesoffenheit. The biggest problem is that our management ALWAYS sucks and everyone suspects there is a lot of backroom businesses going on. There is even a word for it, "Klüngel". To this day, we still don't know where the "Hässler-Millionen" went to... But we, the people, are part of the problem because instead of installing healthy structures in the club, we are always calling for the next saviour like Christoph Daum, Wolfgang Overath and so on and so forth. And, lastly, we're longing for the day when our prince will be returning home which will probably never ever happen again because your Namensvetter is getting old, but damn, that left foot of his... I think, you know which city/team I'm talking about I went to the Stadium in Koblenz once and I found it just plain beautiful. An oldschool 2. Liga stadium with the cliffs in the background, it was sort of majestic. Morenga sounds like a book my father would love. His birthday is coming up, so thanks for the recommendation
Mer stonn zo dir FC Kölle. Nice. Not far from me. I hope we can welcome you again next season and I'm sure you'll make it. Looks good. Make sure you'll stay in front of the HSV. And your club doesn't suck. I would prefer it a hundred times over Leverkusen (I'm glad I don't have to live there). I guess the other guys here are wondering now what the fuck we are talking about.
About Leprakusen, a friend of mine once lived there and he hated it. Did you know that there is an autobahn which directly goes through the city center? Have you been to the Müngersdorfer Stadion? I love the stadium, it's a real temple for football. Maybe we could watch FC - Werder next season together. You don't have to decide now, I'll just put the idea out there You know, this is a place for PMO addiction and how to battle it but, in my mind, it is healthly not to focus on it all the time and just talk about the things we enjoy and love once in a while. Also, this is your journal after all so anything goes as long as you allow or welcome it.
