Thanks Gil. It's pretty stressful right now. But not an excuse to act out. Last night I had one of the worst relapses ever. Need to get back on track. Me looking at my life right now:
Hey TrueSelf, thank you for asking. I'm doing pretty bad. A never-ending downward spiral (or treading water spiral, but definitely not upward). It feels like I'm slowly dying and I don't have the motivation to rise from the ashes again. Like I said in my last post, I had to move back in with my parents and it doesn't seem as if this state of affairs will change soon. A lot of emotional stress. Pretty much the lowest point in my life right now. Work-related, I'm taking a few steps in the right direction, but it's going very slowly. Sleep is pretty bad and stress at a high level. For what it's worth, I haven't PMOd in two days. And as bad as that sounds, that's above average for me for the last half year or so. Yesterday I meditated for the first time in months and this afternoon I did some Yoga and stretching for stress relief. So for the first time in weeks I at least made a step to rise from the ashes again. But it will be a long road.
I am sorry you’re in a low patch Luke. Glad you are still fighting. You can’t control many variables at home. But try to control the small ones you can. I think you’re a good man and here’s to you coming back from this.
Keep at it buddy. I know it's rough now but you can make it. Just build more everyday and eventually it will get there
Heyo Luke, that sounds like a real rough spot. Not bein able to live on ones own, aua. I mean, depends on how you and your fam get along, but I had a moving back in situation in 20ies, and it did drive me up the walls. I felt like that in spring and summer. Needed a whole paradigm shift on how I treat life, honestly. These deep crisis are tough, but sometimes you find gold in the lowest of places. Keep your eyes open. Watch everything, see what can be moved. We must be brave explorers with brains like ours. Good luck, und halt die Ohren steif!
@mailboxsam, @Crichton and @dark red drifter vessel: Thank you for your kind words guys. It's good to come to a place where people understand what you're going through. Another PMO-free 24 hours (or so) since my last post. So there's that. Meditated early this morning and got some work done. Small steps in the right direction, but when I continue, a thousand very small steps are multiple big steps, too. @dark red drifter vessel: My relationship to my parents isn't necessarily bad, but it's best when we see each other every few weeks and not every day. During the week I leave the house early on most days, drive to the city where I used to live and go to a public library to work. I'm out of the house from 7 AM until 8 PM on many days and walk about 10-12 km every day. That makes it endurable and somewhat independent although those are long days. But it would drive me crazy if I had to be at home in my old room the entire day. Weekends are the toughest time.
Worked from home today and PMOd. I think I have to leave the house for work every single day on weekdays. Just isn't worth it.
I was addicted to P while living with my parents and was homeless. It was pretty bad. I eventually recovered, though I had a looot of emotional issues to work through first. Are you feeling anger or frustration? Maybe you can turn those to good things, and work on quitting P after that. I think you'll know when it's ready to work on P when you want to put filtering (blocking) on all your devices. I remember you posting to my journal and supporting me, and I hope you do well, too. I know most of us around here probably don't like the "God stuff" but I do recommend prayer. God wants us looking at porn even less than we do. I'll say 1-2 prayers for you.
Thank you for your support, nuclpow. Yes, I do feel a lot of anger and frustration. More than at any other point before in my life. I've read from others that they were able to turn the negative emotions into positive energy and work on their lives instead. But I haven't found a way to do that yet. I have filters on all my devices (which is only one laptop, I don't have a smartphone anymore). But now that I have to live with my parents again there are unfiltered devices that I have no control over. But that isn't even the main problem. The main problem is that I don't watch "porn" anyway. I don't know when was the last time I watched hardcore porn. Instagram or Reddit have always been enough for me. So what other people on this forum call "p subs" is my porn. So filtering porn websites doesn't work for me anyway. Today I wanted to work outside the house again, but since I live in a third world country and are dependent on an extremely reliable company called Deutsche Bahn, I had to go back home and have to work from home again (same thing happened on monday). Speaking of anger and frustration. But at least my sister and my little niece will come for a visit around lunchtime so I'm not feeling the desire to do something stupid. Thanks for including me in your prayers. I'm not really religious but I would call myself a Christian anyway. I think the church is pretty garbage these days at least where I live, but Christianity has some very good moral values that one can use as a guideline in life. I don't pray, but I do believe in the positive effects of prayer or meditation (according to one's belief). So thank you for including me in yours.
I had a time in my life where I was constantly living with friends. On couches, in guest rooms, sometimes sleeping in the same bed as the friends. I experienced a very weird, but profound shift: The time I felt privacy was the time I was out in town, as being at the temporary home would always entail navigating a social situation. I had my me-moments on park benches and walking about town. It sure might feel weird, but with brains like ours, we must make the weird our home turf. Maybe try being okay with being that kind of nomad. It can be an interesting task, and a subtle yet profound in change of perspective. And if you feel out of it, never forget: Others have walked these paths before and lived, you are not out of life, this is life, not what you expected, but still. Yer a person, nothing can take that away, save the last breath we take. LOL. Ich fühle den Schmerz.
I don't remember being tempted too much by Instagram, but Reddit P was addictive for me. I installed the Nofap emergency button add-on for Firefox, which blocks NSFW content on Reddit. It's easy to disable, but for some reason I usually didn't. I would recover my senses a bit before disabling the blocking. And you're welcome for my support and prayer, I hope it helps. I think I recovered from some anger by forcing myself to sit down and be calm and try to find some thing I could work on and improve, however small. I had to admit I was wrong a lot in life, not sure if that'll help you.
