A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. Kuhn

    Kuhn Member

    Oh for sure, getting excited from seeing a woman in a bikini is no problem at all. They just have to be real, and standing in front of you. ;)
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Had a minor relapse yesterday, but relapse is relapse. Maybe lapse is the better term in this instance. I never really thought about the terms.

    I had downloaded a program months ago that allows you to download pictures from the Internet even if that's blocked by the browser and uninstalled it after using it once or twice back then. Yesterday I saw that despite the deinstallation, a folder was still there on the hard drive and there were downloaded images in the cache that had not been deleted. I looked through the images quite compulsively and eventually masturbated to them instead of deleting them immediately. Well, got a little smarter again.

    Since it wasn't because I found a way around my filters and it didn't take too long, I didn't feel too bad afterwards and went on with my day as if nothing had happened. Also feel pretty good by my standards today.
  3. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yeah, finding something that I thought was deleted has made me relapse a few times. Worst one was, after many clean months, finding an unknown image link in the history. Of course it was a bad one! Well, if you can move on again it won't hurt that much.
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yep, not the first time something like that happened to me. I made sure to search for things like *.jpg, *.gif and so on on my hard drive to make sure that there is not more stuff left. Pretty annoying that it doesn't just delete everything when you click uninstall, but life is annoying sometimes. Leason learned.
    Gil79 likes this.
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    It's been a long time since I logged in here. Too long.

    The last months have been some of the hardest of my life and I acted out on a regular basis. I was close to despair at times and couldn't believe myself. But I never gave up. Once you start this journey it's impossible to go back to the old "PMO is normal" mindset. And I don't want that mindset back. Although I failed on this way a thousand times, I know it's the right way.

    Being away from this forum certainly didn't help and shame is not a good companion. So here we go again.

    I hope you guys are alright.
  6. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Day 1 is always easy. I've done it a thousand times. It's actually a pretty sunny day and I spent some time outside. Otherwise I feel pretty bad. Right now is probably the lowest point since I've started this journey and it's going to be hard to get out of that state. But been there, done that. Being more active in recovery and doing positive things instead of just hoping that nothing bad will happen will help.
    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Wow Luke, wasn't sure if I'd see you back on here again !

    Sorry to hear that things have been difficult lately..

    Whether you were present on here or not I am sure you have kept fighting to improve yourself and your life. Even though it's hard.

    Best wishes in your renewed effort man !
    -Luke-, Rudolf Geyse and Gil79 like this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Happy to see you back here Luke!

    I agree. We've got a map in our pocket now which shows us the way out of this mess. We just need the courage to take it out, look at it and follow the route
    -Luke- and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Had another unexpected relapse on Friday evening. Unexpected because I thought my laptop was safe, but then I found some pictures that were still there from the last PMO session.

    Yesterday I was outside and walked around for almost eight hours (not eight straight hours of walking), just to stay away from my flat. It was a pretty depressing experience, but when I came home I was so tired that I fell asleep on the couch before shortly after 9 PM. Today I stayed away from anything dumb, too (5:25 PM now and internet access is gone from 6 PM until tomorrow morning).
    Gil79 and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sometimes it's really the good call, to just get out of the house. Nothing wrong with spending a day outside.

    One thing I have been thinking about doing recently, and which I hope I will perhaps build into a habit, is to go to the public library which is not too far from where I live and spend time there.

    Good that you bounced back on Saturday and Sunday after the Friday evening slip up!

    Stay strong!
  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Had some trouble accessing YBR. I was porn-free for five days, relapsed, was porn-free for another five days, relapsed again. To be honest, five days is not too bad right now. It's going to be a long way to were I used to be. But I can get there again.
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Five days without porn, but I MOd this morning and it involved some fantasy. Realistic (not pornstar) fantasy but I would still like to stay away from it.

    A post by @ComebackKid77 in his journal made me realize that I'm pretty much in a hamster wheel right now where there is no going forward. I lack a reason not to PMO. I lack the motivation and the vision to do anything with my life except just existing and trotting along. I think every time we face the choice whether to watch porn or not, it's the choice between porn and something better to do. When I first found this forum in 2013/14 it was fairly easy to go weeks and months without porn. It always ended in a relapse but 4,5,6 or however many weeks without porn were 4,5,6 weeks without porn. Back then I had hope for the future that I lost somewhere along the way.

    Good to see some new guys in the forum. I was afraid that we would slowly go extinct here.
  14. tig

    tig Active Member

    Well done on five days Luke!

    Do you write out your goals and hopes and dreams in a journal (could be on a paper notepad or a word doc on your computer)? I find that helps me have more motivation and vision and clarity.

    Then I get additional motivation from taking small steps towards those goals every day, improving by 0.01% every day. It might take me a while to get there, but I'll get there.
    -Luke- and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I've tried it multiple times, but I never get far with long-term goals. Don't know why to be honest. What works best for me is to make some goals for the day, concentrate on that day and work on those small goals.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  16. tig

    tig Active Member

    For sure, during the day I usually only focus on my smaller daily goals (which relate to my bigger goals). I don't want to be constantly thinking of the future, better to live in the present day. So if I have a big goal to become a black belt in martial arts, I'm just focused on showing up to the class that day.

    The first few paragraphs of this article summed it up nicely https://www.talentedladiesclub.com/articles/how-to-chunk-big-goals-down-into-achievable-steps/

  17. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Honestly, there are a lot of variables at play.

    I think once in 5 days is not bad at all.

    It's not absolute ''perfection'' but tbh it's hard to reach that for many of us. And often, seeking the absolute perfection becomes a (sometimes major) part of the problem.

    Once in 5 days is not bad at all, as I was saying. What also matters, I would think, is stuff like time doing it and also if we feel shame after (then the question here would also to investigate as honestly as possible what we are ashamed about, because that probably leads to some deeper underlying elements in the behaviour) and also if we use it to escape from other things. That's when it becomes a big problem. Like, there is a difference between once in 5 days having a 10 to 20 minutes PMO or, instead, having a 5+ hours PMO session.

    If I could choose I think I would prefer to PMO once every few days, for a short session rather then going say 25 days completely abstinent and then have a 10 hour binge. Unfortunately for me, when I try to abstain for a long streak it always ends in a binge relapse and that's what feels the worst of all. Worst then if I PMO often without trying to have a streak.
    -Luke- likes this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It is difficult to get out of that hamster wheel: without motivation or goals it is easy to turn to fantasy and porn, but by acting out (and not letting our brains recover to their normal state) enjoyment and motivation (including the motivation to set goals) will not come back.

    When I am in this state of acting out regularly, which I have been in most of my life, I feel like I am functioning normally. But during my longer streaks >3-4 weeks I always notice how much my vision has been blurred during these times. One of the things is that my motivation and enjoyment of things comes back. I can enjoy little things more, be it in the interaction with people, experiencing nature or reading something. I am way more motivated to do things that are enjoyable, but were just not enough to produce enough dopamine for my addict brain.

    Please keep this in mind and have faith in the process (also a note to self). Leave out this detrimental behaviour that blurs your vision. Reverse the process of desensitization. Reread YBOP if necessary. Give this present to yourself. You know that it is worth it and I tell you here and now that you're worth it
    -Luke- likes this.
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    In my experience, what you say is definitely true (short sessions every few days rather than hours-long binges every few weeks). Both aren't great, but if those two were the only choices, I'd stay away from the binge. It's also a matter of persepective. If you PMO every few days like I have for the last couple of months, 5 days without PMO is alright. Not my goal but nevertheless above average.

    Thank you for your kind words. It's true, if you're stuck in this binge/relapse cycle it's hard to see the forest for the trees. You have to get out to see what life is actually like. I like that you wrote "Give this present to yourself" because it's easy in times like these to forget that we have control over our lives and can take a different path instead of treading water.

    I was porn-free for seven days before the weekend but then had one of those binges. Time to get back on the horse again.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  20. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Had a reddit relapse at the end of last week and a fantasy MO yesterday morning while still lying in bed and feeling depressed. Some private problems popped up last week and made me feel overwhelmed at times. I need to remind myself that PMO is only a short-term escape and will only make things harder.

    I may start a new job in June. It would be good to have a structured daily routine and I would be out of the house. And I need the money. It would be a boring temporary job but I would be physically active instead of just staring at a screen all the time. Working from home was not really helpful as far as PMO is concerned.
    BackOnTrack and Thelongwayhome27 like this.

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