"No matter how bad life is, I can always make it worse by PMOing." (from the amazing wisdom of CleanBootsBaby!)
4 days clean. It's a start. While the days before were quite easy, today I had some stronger cravings that started when I was still in bed and started to fantasize a bit. I tried some urge surfing and I tried to remind me what I'm trying to accomplish (which is complicated by the fact that I myself do not really know what I want - lol). Here's the thing about cravings: You can either act on it or you don't. The end result in both cases is that it disappears. You act on it, craving gone. You just wait, craving is gone after a while, too. Fascinating realization, I know. Other than that I made some work-related progress the last few days. It's getting colder and grayer outside and the trees are getting more yellow and orange instead of green. This summer was pretty much lost for me, since I sat inside and PMOd pretty often. I hope you all are well.
Here's that trademark Luke perspective again. You say it's simple, and it is, but sometimes it's hard to think simply. Especially when your brain is teetering on the edge of relapsing or not relapsing, and all the complicated(feeling), overwhelming thoughts that start spinning. I appreciated reading this, at least. Congrats on four days too.
Yeah I completely agree. Often times after a relapse we get clarity (post orgasm clarity). Unfortunately though, acting out can sometimes also produce more and more acting out, etc. (not to mention depression, emptiness, disappointment). We only reach that true clarity when we have fallen down deep enough ... Ideally it would be about retaining (or returning to)this clarity without acting on an urge ... It would be about remembering the ''why''. Whenever we don't see the why as clearly we become much more vulnerable to urges, fantasies, etc. If the ''why'' is crystal clear we can push away most cravings, and yes they do disappear soon enough. When the ''why'' loses it's clarity, despite part of us trying to push away the cravings, another part of us is secretly entertaining them (from experience speaking). Good rebooters manage to resist and return to they're ''why''. They somehow do this. I still haven't figured it out, that's for sure !
@100DaysMission: Thanks! You're right. Those things are simple, but it's hard to impossible to think clearly 24 hours a day. That's why it is important for me to have some structure and good habits in my day. @Thelongwayhome27: Right. If we are in a downward spiral it sometimes feels impossible to get out again and to think clearly. But I think it's important to know that even at that point you have some control left over you actions. I while ago I read a book by a psychologist named Thomas Horvath. He had a little thought experiment: Imagine you want to use your drug of choice and someone is holding a gun to your head saying "If you relapse I'll pull the trigger". Would you watch porn (or drink, use heroin, gamble etc.)? Unless you're suicidal and want to die you wouldn't do it. That's an extreme and unrealistic scenario but it shows that you always have a choice. Horvath also wrote that if you relapse I'll pull the trigger you have not found a good enough reason not to do it (what you mean by the "why"). Sometimes I find a why, sometimes I don't. It's way easier to find a why if you feel good. The why is the present moment. Why go back into hell (a little exaggerated) if you see the benefits of recovery right before your eye? It's harder to clearly see a why if you feel bad and experience a lot of emotional stress. In that case it's like "would I really feel worse than right now after a porn session?"
It's funny you mention this because just yesterday when I was showering after another PMO, I was thinking to myself that if I paid a person to literally stay with me 24/7 for one year and put a bullet in my head if I PMO'ed then I could probably get a one year streak ! Maybe that could be a new job or something for some people. Deaddictors.
I was so busy writing in other peoples journals that I forgot about my own. Not much is happening, until yesterday. Yesterday I PMOd with one of these instagram substitutes that was unblocked. On a positive note, I went on with my day as if it hadn't happened, accomplished my goals for the day, and did all my positive habits. I'm sometimes prone to the All-Or-Nothing thinking, as in "Something bad has already happened, so the day is lost anyway and I don't have to make any more effort". At least yesterday I proved to myself that it doesn't have to be this way and it's just a logical fallacy. Although I still PMO relatively regularly it feels like I make good decisions more often and I'm a bit more positive than most of this year and last. The moments were I see things clearly are more and more frequent and the moments were I feel like I'm out of control become less frequent. It's easy to fall into that same all-or-nothing mindest when it comes to recovery: Either I'm clean and I'm a success or I relapse and I'm a loser. It's important to remind yourself that progress isn't that black or white. You can improve while making wrong decisions now and then. I'm not happy with my PMO frequency but I see small improvements and that keeps me going. And I'm still (or again) confident that one day I will be 100% porn-free. It's a rocky road with a lot of obstacles, but at least it's a road and not a dead-end road.
Ugh, yeah. Very guilty of this. PMO on Friday = whole weekend wasted. I like how you were able to get out of this mindset, that's something we all can learn from. Even if I don't feel like it, I should technically be able to go back to normal right away.
The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation, which depend upon the future. We let go the present, which we have in our power, and look forward to that which depends upon chance, and so relinquish a certainty for an uncertainty. The greatest obstacle to living is expectancy, which hangs upon tomorrow and loses today. You are arranging what is in Fortune's control and abandoning what lies in yours. (Seneca)
6 days without PMO. I try to have a day-to-day approach. Do what I can today and not worrying about tomorrow (see the quote above). Easier said than done of course ('Easier said than done' might be in the top 5 most said phrases ever on YBR). For someone who procrastinated in the present and worried about the future almost his entire life, it's a habit hard to overcome. But Pavlov not only taught his dog to salivate when the bell rang, he also taught him to stop again with that behavior afterwards. I need to remind myself every day of that. One day at a time.
For good reason! Stopping procrastination is very hard. I almost postponed washing my car today, but I'm glad I didn't.
Did anyone say "procrastination", LOL? Yeah...killing the beast . @-Luke- , glad to hear you're going places, buddy!
(Had an interview today, went quite well. So, I disqualified; sorry - let's leave it for the other tomorrow, shall we?)
Every time I post something positive here I get into trouble a couple of days later. Again today. Is it progress that I don't PMO every other day anymore but every 6 or 7 days? I have difficulty using the word progress in this context. But yeah, can't change it anymore. Next round. One day at a time.
I wonder how the science works. Whether it helps or actually makes things worse. It surely has to be better than every day?
