Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.
Hey man. Back on the horse!
Getting back on the horse wasn't so easy. Once you open that door it's hard to close it again. But I'm back on the horse (in my case, Jolly Jumper of course) now.
Hahaha, humor is always a good sign! Welcome back, I guess, then . Wholeheartedly agree with your observations...
Nip, nip, nip, nip it in the bud...
Pretty strong cravings today. Had some emotional stress and felt some loneliness the last few days. The first instinct, of course, is to do what I've always done in the last 20 years in situations like that. But it's a vicious cycle. I need to find better ways to deal with emotional stress.
One of my new "projects" is to use the internet again more like in the old days and less like I use it as a porn user. That means I try to have only one tab open at any time, if possible (sometimes I need an additional tab for a dictionary or something like that). I try to visit only one site at once. That's waaaaaay harder than I thought. The habit of always having multiple tabs open and multitasking is deeply ingrained for me. It's funny how that goes. When I started using the internet (before wifi) you sometimes just had to wait for a website to load. And you waited. What else was there to do. Nowadays I have 10 tabs open because I can't wait for one nanosecond. That behavior is too closely related with watching porn. I am curious if I notice anything through it.
Well done for coming here with those cravings, it's one of the best places for them.
I really admire the sound of your new project too, you have an impressive level of self-awareness and perspective, and wisdom.
It seems like writing brings those things right to the front of your mind too (for me as well).
Keep doing your best Luke, I'm hoping the loneliness and emotional intensity passes soon.
Thanks for the encouragement @100DaysMission. I wish I could use that self-awareness more. It feels like I get that self-awareness only when the damage is already done. And then I forget about it and do the same stuff again. Well, it's a journey that doesn't really end I guess. All I can do is keep trying, trying to deal better with my emotions and feelings, trying to accept myself more and let go of past regrets more. But I will never be perfect.
Today I didn't do a good job of managing my emotions better. Woke up last night at around 3 AM and felt pretty stressed, couldn't go back to sleep, got up and ate a little snack, read for 30 minutes or so and was able to get another 2,5 hours of sleep. But I still felt pretty stressed and tried to find some arousing stuff on the internet. Couldn't find anything (thanks to blockers) but MOd later while I was in the shower. I'm pretty agnostic about MO and don't think it's bad (but also not good) for me if done in moderation. But the combination of trying to find something online while fantasizing a bit about what I could potentially find and than MOing later is definitely nothing to be proud of. But I'm thankful that porn blockers are way better today than they were years ago.
I also started to work on a bigger project for the future but nothing I want to talk about right now. It would be a little embarrassing if I wrote about it and then didn't follow through (and not following through with something is the story of my life).
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