Last few days have been good. Nice weather, so I was outside a lot and didn't use the internet much. Yesterday I booked a vacation in Slovenia for April. Wasn't there before but it's a beautiful country from what I heard from other people. So that should be a great time. The no arousal method works good so far. As I said the weather was good the last few days and I was outside a lot. Many attractive women were walking around too. I managed to look them in the eyes (if at all) and not below the neck. This was hard sometimes but I had control over it.
Hi Luke, thx 4dropping by my journal w/welcome+encouragement....your story has some similarities to mine ,but double up the years I've wasted away on pa...hope we're both able to kick this habit once and for all...regards
Had a wet dream last night which is unusual less than a week after the last orgasm. Really slow start to the day after that. A colleague and I agreed to join a pool billard club (don't know if thats that correct english name. I think you just call it pool) in our city soon. That should be fun and a good way to get out and to get in contact with other people.
It happens. I average 1 per month but sometimes it's happened after a week or less. And that seems nice, I think one should have fun when meeting people.
I've gotten ill last night and hadn't much sleep. This weekend I'm visiting my parents. This combination is danger zone for me. I have access to their computer (without any filters like on my laptop) and will be quite inactive because of the illness. I often relapsed in a situation like that before. I just wanted to write that down here to remind myself of being careful the coming two days. I'm aware of the danger now, so that should be helpful.
No relapse or something like that. The reminder yesterday definitely helped to be more mindful with internet use over the last 24 hours. Today I did a lot of thinking and I realized that I'm still constantly dwelling on the past. I just can't stop doing that. Like today I stumbled upon some pictures of my old university and I got really depressed by that. I have two lines of thought when I think about this time between 2008 and 2014 and this is kind of self-contradictory. On one side I'm feeling positive about that, because I really liked it there. I really had times then where I felt actually happy. I had some good friends that I was seeing almost every day, I moved out from my parents house and lived on my own for the first time, I had a lot of time to do the stuff I wanted to do. I just felt free. And this makes me depressed because that's just different from what I feel at the moment. The second line of thought is that even though I felt better back then I always think that I didn't make nearly enough out of that time. All the stupid porn use, all the weekends alone at home with my dick in my hand. And I constantly wonder how life would have been if I had lived life differently. I'm constantly wishing to myself that I could turn back time ten years and live my 20s again. I even fantasize about that a lot when I feel bad what is some kind of escape mechanism and makes me feel even worse. This is stupid and doesn't make sense at all. I cannot change my past and I cannot travel back in time. I don't have power over that and I have total power over what I'll do in the present and future. From a rational standpoint I am well aware of all of that. But I still can't stop dwelling on the past. It seems that I just can't forgive myself. I have an easy time to forgive other people if they've done bad things, but I can't forgive myself. And I'm sure that this kind of forgiveness is a critical step in beating this addiction (perhaps the most critical). I actually feel more positive now after writing that down. Writing down your own thoughts really helps to clarify some stuff.
I too have wondered how my life would be if I had chosen another path. I wasted my 20s on PMO and 24/7 MMO gaming, losing the few friends I had. Many times I've wished that I chose differently. I didn't go to my old class reunion because I was ashamed of what I had become... or rather not become. But yeah, there is no time machine or reset button available, so I will have to make the best of the time I got left. Easier said than done, though.
That feeling of waste is a strong part of my thoughts too. I wish I knew an easy answer. Forgiving yourself is not a switch that can just be on/off. In one sense, you are who you are today because of your past, so there is something positive from the past. Yet, life is not all rainbows. Looking at the less-than-positive components of your past can now become your greatest teachers. It is like the scars that show how many battles you have survived.
I can veeeeery much relate to this. I'm 31 years old now, and I can't even recall what I was doing in my 23-28s because I did nothing really of significance in my mind. I mean, I know I was studying at a university but that's pretty much it. There are no real memories made. It's a pretty sad realization. Kopf hoch, Brudi, wird schon werden!
Thanks for all your replies guys. Really appreciate it. Like I wrote yesterday, posting this made me feel better and I'm more positive today. You just feel so alone in this. Then you write something in your journal and everybody can relate to it. This really helps to be around people that are non-judgemental and understanding, even if it's just a forum on the internet. @Pete McVries: Danke dir! By the way: Did you choose your username because of the character in Stephen Kings novel "The Long Walk"?
Yes, that's exactly why I chose the username. I haven't ready many novel's of Stephen King but my little brother highly recommended it to me, so it was King's first book that I've read. It's funny, I think many people think of King's books as some sort of a ghost train because the recipient gets confronted with so many unspeakable horrors. But to me, I always got the message that friendship is a major factor and something very very important that needs to be cherished in many of his books (for example Stand By Me, It). So, in conclusion, after finishing the book, I thought to myself that I want to be a bit like Pete McVries and that I really need a friend like Pete McVries in my life. And here comes the funny part: I have a friend like that in my life and his name is... Luke All the best!
I really liked that book, too and I was fascinated by that character. Most people think of King in terms of horror but he is extremely good in writing about friendship. I choose my name because some people use that as a nickname for me (My real name is Lukas).
One thought I had today about my post yesterday: I am always feeling that I didn't use my twenties nearly enough because of porn addiction, low energy, low motivation etc. Well, all of this is true. But then I thought about how my two grandfathers (who both died some years ago) lived their twenties: They were fighting in a dumb war for a cruel and facist regime. When I look at how I lived my life in contrast I should be more grateful for what I have and what I experienced in the past.
I just had a really long talk with my best friend Luke who was addicted to P as well but he never developed any problems like PIED. And we talk a lot of porn and all the problems it causes these days. It's really a blessing for be because I can be so open and vulnerable, in other words authentic. Man, it feels great. And he said something that rung home with me a lot. Funny thing is, I actually told Luke about you and your post you made. So he said, man, Pete, you received a wonderful gift. You haven't had sex in a long time and have always struggled with your erections but you will recover and you are going to have the chance to make it right and to experience sex like a teenager who makes his first sexual steps. Which, in my opinion, is a beautiful thing. No worries, there are plenty of attractive 30something year old single ladies out there who will be extremely glad to spend the night with us. It's all good, it really is. Good things are bound to happen, if we manage to go down the road successfully. It's inevitable, I promise you that!
Thanks man, that's a good perspective. I am still ill. Was at home today. Couldn't exercise the last few days and meditation is hard with a stuffy nose and headaches. Lots of lying around on the couch. This sucks, but it was (is) an opportunity to read a lot and use the time in a positive way.
Still ill. This sucks, but it's called life. No Arousal Method works so far. I feel the urge to look after an attractive woman every time I walk by one, but I am mindful about it and can stop myself from doing it. Almost as a direct result I don't have trouble with porn fantasies right now. If something comes up I immediately think about something else. I don't push the fantasies away and I don't fight them. I just think of something else. Seems like the meditation in the last months had a positive influence here because I am definitely more mindful about those things.
Thanks for reminding me about that. I read about it in your journal Felt better today and exercised a little bit after work. Getting up with the alarm in the morning was a struggle but I won. Since the last relapse two weeks ago there is no life below the belt. Typical flatline.
Slept really bad last night and couldn't go back to sleep after 4 AM. Struggled a little bit with sexual fantasies while lying in bed but could control it during the day. I'm most likely to give in to fantasies while I'm still in bed in the morning. I guess it would be a good idea to just get up and start my day. But at the same time I hope that I can get one or two more hours of sleep and this is why I'm staying in bed. Despite the bad sleep I felt better today. The cold is almost gone and I have a little bit more energy.
