A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Today was quite good and I managed to do some stuff I wanted to do... until about an hour ago. Then I PMOd. At least I kept it relatively short.

    Had some flashbacks and urges while I was sitting at my laptop researching something on the internet. I was able to ignore the urges for a while, but then it got too strong. And I am still too weak in the current situation. I know that it gets easier after a while, but I am not there yet. In retrospect I should have just gone outside, the weather was actually quite good.

    But I keep my resolution to write here every day until the end of the year. It takes some effort effort for me to come here after a relapse. But that is why I do it.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  2. birdsky

    birdsky New Member

    Hey Luke,

    you cannot believe how sad am I to read about your relapse. Especially because you say that today was rather a good and productive day. How many days were you in?

    I haven't read all your posts except the first one yet, however, I know exactly how you feel. I'm dealing with social anxiety either, with the only difference that mine is probably severe. Nonetheless, I am convinced that this is the issue. Intimacy is a social thing. What we do when PMO is not social at all. We just unlearned how to deal with sexual pressure. I remember when I was young and sexually aroused I would talk to friends or just go chill or do some sports with them. I would be still aroused, however directing it into another direction. It's about to connect to people, doesn't need to be female. At least I have tremendous issues with that and trusting people. Is it the same for you?
    -Luke- likes this.
  3. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Active Member

    Definitely an excellent series. I really liked Fargo and True Detective as well, I strongly recommend these two.
    Pete McVries, NewStart19 and -Luke- like this.
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    @birdsky: Thanks for your post! My "streak" was only 48 hours, so don't feel too bad for me. Most of the time when I PMO it's not even sexual pressure or sexual energy, it's just the search for novelty. But yes, I also have problems connecting with people and trusting people.

    @Bilbo Baggins: I haven't watched Fargo yet, but it's on my list. As for True Detective I watched the first season and it was great. Did you watch all three seasons so far?

    Today I didn't feel too bad. Slept pretty well. During the day I got upset about something, but I dealt with it in a good way. Since today was Monday, I put my plan into action to dress again in the morning as if I was going to the office. It is only a psychological thing, but I have already noticed a difference. A small step for me, a giant leap for mank... well, not really.
    Bilbo Baggins and NewStart19 like this.
  5. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @Bilbo Baggins

    I've seen both of those shows up to their most recent seasons. I'd put True Detective in my Top 5 as well. Fargo I liked overall, but personally wasn't Top 5 level, but--as with anything--subjectivity has a significant role to play here.


    Good luck with consistently implementing your new lifestyle change. Take care
    -Luke- and Bilbo Baggins like this.
  6. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Active Member

    Yes I did. The first one is the best, but the second and the third are pretty good too.
    -Luke- likes this.
  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Had another slip today. First I had some urges and then I got upset about something at work. Instead of dealing with that in a healthy way I looked up some pictures. Could even take something positive from it, because made my phone safer afterwards. I wrote a few weeks ago that I rooted my phone and deinstalled the browser and app store. But I could still download browsers for Android on my laptop and install it on my phone. I have closed that gap now. I know that I cannot rely on blockers etc. in the medium or long term and I need to find other ways to stay clean. But in the current situation, I need every tool I can get to get the ball rolling.

    At the moment, the first day after a relapse is not difficult, but the second one is.
  8. birdsky

    birdsky New Member

    Have you tried to just avoid your computer / smartphone overall? I can see the difference for myself. Leaving it off is calming my mind. Often I used to watch stuff, when I was idle on the computer, so usually I don't do anything productive anyway, so just turning the pc off or putting the phone aside wouldn't hurt. Since when we would use these technologies for useful stuff, we wouldn't even be thinking about going to disgusting sites, right? We wouldn't have time to think about that stuff.

    Keep going men. Try to change your daily "routines" for the next couple of days to get into the streak again. Like not turning on the pc/ using the smartphone and instead relax. Let your mind on idle without thinking about too much stuff. Maybe go and take a bath, read something, drink tea...

    You can do it!
  9. peacefulandfree

    peacefulandfree New Member

    It sounds like you turned a negative situation into a positive one!

    I don't think it matters if we fall, as long as we learn from our mistakes.

    As far as filters are concerned, I feel you. It is helpful for me to remember that this is a physiological addiction. It induces changes in the brain. These will eventually die away, and a time will come when we don't need filters. But until then, we need every advantage we can get!

    You can do this!

    Rooting for you!!
  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your thoughts, guys! Much appreciated.

    @birdsky: The phone isn't really a problem anymore. It used to be my biggest problem, but I basically made a dumb phone (with benefits) out of my smartphone again. I can use WhattsApp and a Habit Tracker App, but otherwise it's basically an oldschool phone again. Since I got rid of the App Store and closed the other gap yesterday, I can't install new apps. I cannot avoid my computer, though. I need it for work. My private laptop is pretty safe but the company laptop is only to a certain degree. I could do that on the weekends, though.

    @peacefulandfree: Thanks for dropping by! After we PMOd the damage is already done. So we might as well learn something from it.
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I wrote about the pattern, that the first day after a relapse isn't particularly difficult for me. And that has proven to be true today. No urges except for a short moment in the afternoon. If I can stay clean today, I can stay clean tomorrow. Bosses leave my alone most of the time at work. They aren't really interested anymore since I quit my job. I use the time to work on some private stuff. Since this is an anonymous forum, I can write it openly.

    Another hour and a half until the Wi-Fi goes off. Until then I will take a walk. I hope everyone is well.
  12. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    It's strange isn't it. You work at a place for a while, but once it's known that you aren't working there anymore, people's attitudes towards you noticeably change. As if to show that your individual presence isn't of note, just your task-completing function as an employee. That's a bit of an exaggeration perhaps, but my experience so far corroborates this. If you work a job where you regularly interact with clients however, I've noticed that some are genuinely perturbed that you the individual--not the employee--will be leaving. But again, this is my experience. There are so many people (and jobs) on this planet that the overall trend could be quite different.

    I too often experience that the first day or two after a relapse aren't too bad, that is assuming I didn't have some type of streak going, otherwise they're particularly tough.

    How's the situation with COVID-19 out in Germany? Are the social distancing measures strict? I ask because I was wondering if you have the option of using IADs outside (Wi-Fi at a cafe etc.) when you are worried about using them alone at home.
    In my state in the U.S., things are loosening up, but I still feel a little guilty about spending prolonged periods of time outside.
    -Luke- and Pete McVries like this.
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Working from outside the house isn't an option. In a cafe it's too noisy for me to work. Would also be kind of weird to sit there for 8 hours +. The public library also isn't an option because the visiting time is currently limited to 3 hours. Plus, I use a laptop but I work on my PC in the office over remote desktop. So I can use the internet there. I can't watch hardcore porn there of course (there are some filters), but I don't really need that. All I need is Google image search, instagram, reddit,...
  14. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    Is that how the social norms are out where you live? I have only lived in two countries, so my breadth of experience is somewhat limited, but in general I don't think spending extended periods of time at a cafe was frowned upon in either. There were some cafes that were located downtown--they were busy and it was often hard to get a seat--that did ask customers to limit their time inside, but otherwise it was ok. And, as a customer, if you felt some sort of guilt for just getting a cup of coffee and using their facility for hours and hours, you could always just buy another item every 1, 2, or 3 hours. But I totally respect if that's how things are out where you live.

    As for the library, isn't three hours a reasonable amount of time to get work done/get out of the house/protect yourself when you're vulnerable to urges? But maybe the library is far away and you don't have a car?

    Lastly, any community centers you can take advantage of? That's the only other thing that pops into mind aside from cafes and libraries. Maybe some universities, but I am sure they are more restrictive with the pandemic.

    Sorry if I am coming across as a bit pushy. That's not my intent. I just thought maybe further reflecting on this could potentially unlock another resource you could use to make life easier, increase well-being or--in a more myopic sense--help deal with this addiction.

    Take care, and if you are willing, let me know what your avatar is from. I bothered a few other members with the same question, but it's something I like to ask from time to time.
    -Luke- likes this.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    They probably wouldn't throw me out, but I don't know how the rules are right now. Back in university I tried studying in a cafe a few times, but I can't concentrate there. It was too noisy and I was checking out girls all the time ;). Plus the Wi-Fi in public places is often very slow and without any filter.

    Yes, I don't have a car and it takes me 30 minutes to get there. I live on the outskirts of the city, the district is more like a small village. The internet filter in the library is also way less safe than my own.

    Not that I know of. I wouldn't get into the university anyway. They don't even really let their own students in at the moment. The whole semester is practically done online (shitty time to study...).

    Not at all. I'm always thankful about any helpful comments!

    This is the main character from a comic called "Lucky Luke". I loved it as a child and it fits my username.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  16. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @-Luke- sorry to hear about your relapse.
    I know how it feels.
    I know how overwhelming the urge can be and how it can affect your work.
    Have you considered working outside like in a Cafe or something?
    This way you can finish your work and still avoid urges.
    Good luck

    P. S. I loved the Lucky Luke comic as a child too.
  17. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    Thanks for the thorough response. It seems like you thought everything through. Wouldn't expect anything else from Lucky Luke ; )

    Take care
  18. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    4 days clean and had a good weekend. But today I gave in again. I don't know why really, the day was good so far and there weren't any emotional triggers. Wasn't stressed or anything like that. Just didn't have the strength when the thought hit me. I watch almost no "real" porn anymore, everytime it's reddit or instagram or some shit like that. Is that better? I don't think so. The motivation behind it is the same: novelty, escape from reality,...

    Hope everybody else is doing fine!
    NewStart19 likes this.
  19. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Do you need Youtube/Insta/Reddit for your work or your private well-being? If not, is there a way to block it in a fail-proof way? If so, the next time you seach for PMO material, you will be granted a chance to think because your usual sources of this are not available (yet) and you can act in a non-habitual way. When I started quitting PMO for good and being 20-something days clean, I found out by accident that reddit has porn subs. Blocking reddit as a whole after peeking p-subs for two consecutive days was one of the final steps I did that paved the way to continuing abstinence.

    Might be worth a shot that helps you snap out of the autopilot-cockpit of your addiction a bit easier.
    Living and -Luke- like this.
  20. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @-Luke- that's normal in the first few days after relapse. It happens a few times before you're back on track. You'll reset once or twice then you'll start counting the days.

    And I agree with @Pete McVries
    -Luke- likes this.

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