A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    This was a well-written post. And yeah, it does seem that isolation is a large part of why your self-control is low. Do you have social anxiety? It does sound like you could use getting out more, and meeting friends and family outside of the house.
    -Luke- likes this.
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thank nuclpow. Yes, I have some social anxiety. It is quite fluctuating. I don't have much of a problem when I'm around people I know and like (fascinating observation, I know...) Now that I work from home (and due to the general situation) I have even less contact with other people than before. And that's not good for me. That's why I keep having the thought of moving back to where I know a lot of people. Where I felt most at home.
  3. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    Sorry to hear about the hopelessness. I hope 2021 proves to be different in a significant way for you.

    Is there anything making you feel the opposite about moving back? If so, is there a way to reconcile this/these concern(s) with the desire to move back to your hometown? Who knows, maybe moving back is that significant change for you? We can always struggle in the valley of indecision, or we can make change (slow or fast, I work better with the former) to move toward one of the nearby peaks.

    Take care
    -Luke- likes this.
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    It's great to hear from you man !

    Moderating porn does not seem to work for me either.

    Moving back to a smaller town could be an interesting move. Maybe you can keep thinking about it as a plan, while not necessarily rushing a decision.

    See you around !
    -Luke- likes this.
  5. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    That is such a great and empowering description. Thanks a lot for sharing it!
    -Luke- likes this.
  6. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    @NewStart19 and @Thelongwayhome27
    Whenever I am convinced that it would be the right step, counter-arguments come to mind again. I think I'll keep that in mind. I'm seeing my parents this weekend, so maybe I'll talk to them about it then.

    But I can't make the mistake of thinking that moving alone will solve any problems. I made that mistake when I moved here and hoped that it would be a new beginning and everything would change. But a change of location doesn't change anything as long as nothing changes inside.

    @Pete McVries
    I also thought that was an eye-opening example, especially the one with the gun.

    Right now I'm a bit too lazy and procrastinate on some important stuff. I read a lot, but sometimes I use that as procrastination, too. It's easy to think that reading a nice book is something reasonable and therefore it can't be procratination. The nerve entrapment has improved over the last days. I do some trigger point therapy and sometimes it feels like it's almost gone. I also noticed that I don't have any problems when I exercise with straight arms (handstands, some stuff with rings, KB Swings, everything with legs).
  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    How are you Luke ?
    -Luke- and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey @Thelongwayhome27, thanks for asking. I didn't realize that so much time has passed again since I last wrote anything. In my last post I wrote that I was procrastinating too much and since then I worked a lot and had a lot to do.

    I also found it easier to stay away from porn when I have something to work on that's important to me. That has not completely prevented me from using porn, but it's easier. I had a tough evening last Friday and PMOd. But since then it didn't even come to mind very often. It helps me to remember that an urge is always temporary and it cannot harm me in any way.

    I will be back here more often from now on. I hope everything is okay with you guys!
  9. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Eyooooo, Luke, long time no read! Have a nice day, dude!
    -Luke- likes this.
  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Things are still quite busy. I'm trying to bring some structure to my day and have a morning routine. And most of the time it goes pretty well. But it's hard to get out of bed in the morning. Now it's getting warmer and sunnier outside and I like that. The cold and dark period hit me pretty hard this year. I have one of these daylight lamps and also a red light device at home, but it's not really a good subsitute for some natural sunlight.

    Yesterday in the evening I PMOd. It was one of those situations where I was aware of what I was doing the whole time and that I could still turn around, but I just didn't do it. Don't know why. I didn't remember that mindset I talked about in my last post, that every urge is hust temporary and it cannot harm me in any way. Today I feel bad. I have some structure throughout the day but in the evening it's tough. Maybe I should just go for a walk for an hour every evening, but at the same time I also want to get some reading in.

    Well, this weekend I'm visiting my parents and that's always quite a challenge because there's infiltered internet. Don't know when was the last time I stayed clean while I was there. But it's also a chance to prove to myself that I can do it. I will come here every day to hold myself accountable.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah I always feel pretty crap the day after a PMO. I think also the longer I binged the more I may feel depressed the next day. I guess that could be chemical/neurological. But usually I start feeling better after 2 or 3 days (as long as I don't PMO more ...).

    Evening walks are definitely a good way to add some structure to my evenings, sometimes day walks as well. There's a clear correlation between me being sober and me taking a lot of walks lol ... And taking a walk and then doing some reading when you get back sounds like a great evening routine. Maybe you can find a way to squeeze them both in (walks and reading).

    Good thing winter is slowly coming to an end and good luck with the P control while staying at your parents man !
  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    @Thelongwayhome27: Thanks for your reply! You're absolutely right about the evening routine. I always seem to fluctuate between the two states. When I don't have much structure in my day I feel like I need to plan everything. And when I have a lot of structure it feels like I'm too strict. It's difficult for me to find a balance.

    Yesterday in the evening there was a tough moment. My dad bought a new printer and asked me to set it up. And while I was sitting on their laptop my parents both left the house. I felt a big urge to go to a porn site immediately. That's some deep pavlov's dog conditioning right there. When I was young and we had only one computer in the house, every time the moment I was alone at home I ran to the computer to watch porn. That was 20 years ago. And to this day, when I visit my parents, every time someone rings the bell (i.e. leaves the house) I start salivating (get the urge to PMO immediately). This time I remembered my last post and said to myself, that this is only temporary and that I have a choice. That was enough to stay away from acting out.

    The rest of the evening I didn't have more urges and stayed busy. Watched an episode of Sopranos (started to rewatch the series last week) and stretched a bit and read a bit before going to bed.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    This is so familiar to me. I have this when my wife leaves the house and this is also ingrained since my teens. It is difficult to break that pattern, but you show that it is possible. Staying aware, recognition and anticipation really help to deal with this. Well, you know that already, but anyway . . . ;)
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Great job resisting that urge ! Clearly some associations can grow to become very hard to break and sometimes the fear itself (of knowing that in such a situation we are likely to act out again) can compound the problem actually even making it more tempting to indulge sometimes. It becomes a kind of mental complex that is hard to break.

    I think every time you go to your parent's and you manage to resist watching P is a great win that needs to be acknowledged and slowly you can recondition yourself, show your mind it's possible to do so.

    For me it's often the afternoons when I'm at my own place, that's one pattern I seem to have enforced over the last years. The afternoons when I should be doing things but I'm not really able to get myself going, that's when I sometimes can get some intense mental urges to go for a ''crazy binge'', to escape to my "happy place" (to quote Living).
    -Luke- likes this.

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