Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.
This morning I changed a few filter settings on my router. I have the password written on a piece of paper in the office. Since I'm still working from home I called a colleague who's working from the office and asked her to look for that piece of paper and tell me the password. I changed some things because I had problems with the work laptop and my smartphone (both should be safe now). My brain told me the old lie of "One last time" of course and I listened to my brain. I didn't MO to it and it was short, but at this point I would lie to myself if I wouldn't call that a relapse. So I just call it that and move on.
I logged out and didn't write the password down, so I can't change the settings again. But I know myself enough to know that the filter is just a tool and won't stop me next time I want to watch porn really bad. So I continue with the RN workshop and work on other techniques to deal with the urges.
Yesterday after work I bought some groceries and on the way to the supermarket a couple of teenagers (maybe 14 years old) asked me if they could borrow my ID card or driver's license so they could buy cigarettes. I don't really know why, but I gave them my ID card. Afterwards I felt bad about it, because it is not really in line with my values to help minors buy cigarettes and I thought all evening about why it is so hard for me to say no and why I want to please other people. Then I got upset because I kept thinking about it and couldn't let it go. My tendency to dwell on things I can't change anymore is definitely a source of stress in my life.
On a more positive note: My posture did improve over the last weeks and my neck problems are gone. The handstand practice is also going well and the periods were I am able to hold a free handstand for a couple of seconds are coming more frequent. My body also feels a lot better during exercise when I work on mobility/prehab stuff daily. A little slip like yesterday can't take those improvements away from me.
Don't think a lot about it. This is a recipe for disaster... And relapse.
Good job on the posture fix.
At first this shows that you have a good heart and that you're empathic. But yeah, it also shiws that you have to learn to set boundaries. For a long time I have been thinking (yeah, should turn thoughts into action more ) that an assertiveness training would be good for me. I also find this difficult, although I have beem getting better at it after I joined a course where assertiveness was a small part of the program. What helped me a lot was a row of phrases: 'Just like anyone else, I have the right to say no, even without any explanation', Just like anyone else, I have the right to be heard', etc. etc. It also helps me accept that others can say no to me and have every right to do so. It is really interesting, maybe worth for you to have a look into. What I also found interesting to learn is that people are often either passive or agressive, whereby a passive attitude often triggers and agressive attitude in others. Being assertive is the best way to deal with passiveness or agression of others.
About the not being able to let go, I am reading a nice short book right now by Pema Chodron. I can really recommend it. It is called: 'taking the leap: freeing ourselves from old habits and fears'
This youtube video also covers that topic:
Since I changed my router setup on Monday I notice my mind is playing some tricks on me. Trick 1: I have some cravings to "test" the new settings in order to find out how bulletproof it is. Trick 2: When I have sexual fantasies my mind is trying to tell me this is ok, since it won't escalate into porn. Both tricks can be dangerous and I don't want to go into the old mindset of "I can let my guard down now since a filter is going to do the job for me". I'm also procrastinating on the RN-Workshop. The last few days I was very lazy and didn't feel good (tired, brain fog,...).
@Gil79: Thank for the recommendations! I'll definitely look into it.
Great job on recognizing the tricks and not acting out!
It's been quite a while since I last wrote something in my journal. I don't want to talk about porn much, but if you want the brief summary: things could be better. In the last few days/weeks I have decided that I will quit my job on December 31st. I already talked about how I want to start my own business and I'm more advanced with this than I would have thought two months ago. I lost the motivation for my current job almost completely, but it served as a security blanket. But I can't go on like that anymore.
In my private life things are going quite well (apart from porn). Saw my two best friends last week (after a long time), I'm practicing juggling and handstands every day and I meditate twice a day, once immediately after getting out of bed and a second time in the afternoon/evening.
Seems like a lot of guys are taking a break at the moment. Based on what he wrote last, it might not be a break for @Living but a complete farewell. I understand this and I wish him the best. He seemed to be on a very good way and really happy with his life. I hope to hear from some of the other guys, but if they've moved on, that's fine.
Welcome back and sorry about the job, but only you know what's best for you, so good luck.
It's nice that you're spending time with your friends and doing fun activities.
Again, Good Luck!
Good luck with starting your own business. I commend your courage! You gotta play to win, right? What could really go wrong? In case of no success, you still got your degree, you still have all those years of work experience, you got a family who has your back and friends as well. Seems like a rich man to me .
@Shady: No reason to be sorry. I look forward to it. Good luck to you, too!
@Pete McVries: Thanks man! I'm not particularly concerned about it right now, for the very reasons you mentioned. If it doesn't work out, I think I'll find a new job pretty quickly and nobody will be able to take the experience away from me again. The only thing that worries me a little is the lack of contact with colleagues. So I have to think about how I can get more in contact with other people in general.
Last weekend I threw away my smartphone and bought a "new" one with an old Android version. With newer Android versions it's pretty easy to bypass filters and this way I have often relapsed in the last months. Don't want to go into detail because I don't want to give people stupid ideas. The new phone is still a smartphone, but an old and slow one. I use 3-4 apps and that's it. Feels almost like in the old dumbphone times (Maybe I should download snake...)
Really awesome to hear that you finally made this decision. I respect your courage and look forward to hear about the great things that will come from this, both on your personal as well on your professional account.
Also nice to hear how you have been investing in yourself despite not scoring straight A's on the PMO front.
@dark red drifter vessel: Those were the days. Playing Snake for two hours a day and still only charging the phone once a week.
@Gil79: Thanks! My motivation for my current work is pretty much below zero now. That was one of the reasons why I want to start something new in the first place. Just today a problem came up and I reacted to it with a mixture of feeling overwhelmed and indifference. I can hardly wait to get out of here. On the other hand, self-doubt and difficulties are a normal part of life and I have to work on my attitude on how to approach these feelings.
Today I told my boss that I will quit my job at the end of the year. She wasn't happy about it, but it would have been a bad sign if she had been happy. It is a liberating feeling for me. In the last few days it has become clear to me what is actually the main reason for me quitting my job: It forces me to leave my comfort zone and change my life (at least in this part). In the past years it has always been the case that it did not matter what and how I worked. At the end of the month the salary was on my bank account one way or another. In the future I will really have to work to earn money.
I had hardly ever studied for anything at school, but I always got through. During my studies it was a bit better, but I never really had to worry about it. Now at work I always get through, even if I do almost nothing. That's the story of my life: I always got through without having to make a big effort. In the future I will have to leave my comfort zone. Maybe this will help me to do this in other areas as well.
That's a big and admirable step! I know I'm sometimes a bit sceptic about this forum, but if there is one thing that I got from here it is the value of looking at where my life is now and where I want it to go. Perhaps it's the realization that a lot of guys are stuck in similar situations and seeing you can easily get lost in a system. Getting out of that rut takes determination and courage and I think you have totally shown that yesterday. That's really big! What will happen next will be exciting, but taking your life into your own hands like you did is something one can only admire.
I feel you, man. Quite burnt out on my current lqa gig, will cancel all my friends and spare time in favor of looking for something new.
Maybe it sounds a bit counterintuitive/negative, but while I appreciate and (morally XD) support you trying to go new ways, there is also solace to be found in the fact that being mediocre and drifting by is also something that works for you. It's not flashy, it's not exiting, but should you fail in your endeavours you can most likely gi back to a similar job. And that'd be okay, too. Deviles underpaid advocate today, sorry. XD
Allet jute, mein Herr!
Your confidence is admirable. I wish you luck in whatever comes next!
@dark red drifter vessel: I know what you mean. I can live with being mediocre. In fact, aren't we all mediocre (at best) in most of the things we do in life. What I can't live with is going to the office for another 30+ years and having a job I'm not interested in.
@Apeman: "Your confidence is admirable". You are probably the first person who ever said that to me, lol. Thank you! But yeah, I guess it takes some courage to leave the safe and comfortable harbor and sail out into unknown and unsafe seas.
But I have also bad news. A few minutes ago I PMOd for the third time this week. The thing with my work laptop is out of control. If this happens one more time, I ask if I can return the laptop and go back to the office full time. At some point in the next few months I will have to return it anyway. My private devices are safe now. In fact I rooted my phone and uninstalled all browser and the app store, so I can only use WhattsApp, a habit tracker app, the alarm and a blue-light-blocking app now. That's it.
That sounds... so much better than a standard phone. I wish my phone only did 4 things.
Luke, is your business going to be selling modified, non-dangerous phones?
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