A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hey Luke,

    you cannot believe how sad am I to read about your relapse. Especially because you say that today was rather a good and productive day. How many days were you in?

    I haven't read all your posts except the first one yet, however, I know exactly how you feel. I'm dealing with social anxiety either, with the only difference that mine is probably severe. Nonetheless, I am convinced that this is the issue. Intimacy is a social thing. What we do when PMO is not social at all. We just unlearned how to deal with sexual pressure. I remember when I was young and sexually aroused I would talk to friends or just go chill or do some sports with them. I would be still aroused, however directing it into another direction. It's about to connect to people, doesn't need to be female. At least I have tremendous issues with that and trusting people. Is it the same for you?
    -Luke- likes this.
  2. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Definitely an excellent series. I really liked Fargo and True Detective as well, I strongly recommend these two.
    Pete McVries, NewStart19 and -Luke- like this.
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    @birdsky: Thanks for your post! My "streak" was only 48 hours, so don't feel too bad for me. Most of the time when I PMO it's not even sexual pressure or sexual energy, it's just the search for novelty. But yes, I also have problems connecting with people and trusting people.

    @Bilbo Baggins: I haven't watched Fargo yet, but it's on my list. As for True Detective I watched the first season and it was great. Did you watch all three seasons so far?

    Today I didn't feel too bad. Slept pretty well. During the day I got upset about something, but I dealt with it in a good way. Since today was Monday, I put my plan into action to dress again in the morning as if I was going to the office. It is only a psychological thing, but I have already noticed a difference. A small step for me, a giant leap for mank... well, not really.
    Deleted User and NewStart19 like this.
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Yes I did. The first one is the best, but the second and the third are pretty good too.
    -Luke- likes this.
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Had another slip today. First I had some urges and then I got upset about something at work. Instead of dealing with that in a healthy way I looked up some pictures. Could even take something positive from it, because made my phone safer afterwards. I wrote a few weeks ago that I rooted my phone and deinstalled the browser and app store. But I could still download browsers for Android on my laptop and install it on my phone. I have closed that gap now. I know that I cannot rely on blockers etc. in the medium or long term and I need to find other ways to stay clean. But in the current situation, I need every tool I can get to get the ball rolling.

    At the moment, the first day after a relapse is not difficult, but the second one is.
  6. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Have you tried to just avoid your computer / smartphone overall? I can see the difference for myself. Leaving it off is calming my mind. Often I used to watch stuff, when I was idle on the computer, so usually I don't do anything productive anyway, so just turning the pc off or putting the phone aside wouldn't hurt. Since when we would use these technologies for useful stuff, we wouldn't even be thinking about going to disgusting sites, right? We wouldn't have time to think about that stuff.

    Keep going men. Try to change your daily "routines" for the next couple of days to get into the streak again. Like not turning on the pc/ using the smartphone and instead relax. Let your mind on idle without thinking about too much stuff. Maybe go and take a bath, read something, drink tea...

    You can do it!
  7. peacefulandfree

    peacefulandfree New Member

    It sounds like you turned a negative situation into a positive one!

    I don't think it matters if we fall, as long as we learn from our mistakes.

    As far as filters are concerned, I feel you. It is helpful for me to remember that this is a physiological addiction. It induces changes in the brain. These will eventually die away, and a time will come when we don't need filters. But until then, we need every advantage we can get!

    You can do this!

    Rooting for you!!
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your thoughts, guys! Much appreciated.

    @birdsky: The phone isn't really a problem anymore. It used to be my biggest problem, but I basically made a dumb phone (with benefits) out of my smartphone again. I can use WhattsApp and a Habit Tracker App, but otherwise it's basically an oldschool phone again. Since I got rid of the App Store and closed the other gap yesterday, I can't install new apps. I cannot avoid my computer, though. I need it for work. My private laptop is pretty safe but the company laptop is only to a certain degree. I could do that on the weekends, though.

    @peacefulandfree: Thanks for dropping by! After we PMOd the damage is already done. So we might as well learn something from it.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I wrote about the pattern, that the first day after a relapse isn't particularly difficult for me. And that has proven to be true today. No urges except for a short moment in the afternoon. If I can stay clean today, I can stay clean tomorrow. Bosses leave my alone most of the time at work. They aren't really interested anymore since I quit my job. I use the time to work on some private stuff. Since this is an anonymous forum, I can write it openly.

    Another hour and a half until the Wi-Fi goes off. Until then I will take a walk. I hope everyone is well.
  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Working from outside the house isn't an option. In a cafe it's too noisy for me to work. Would also be kind of weird to sit there for 8 hours +. The public library also isn't an option because the visiting time is currently limited to 3 hours. Plus, I use a laptop but I work on my PC in the office over remote desktop. So I can use the internet there. I can't watch hardcore porn there of course (there are some filters), but I don't really need that. All I need is Google image search, instagram, reddit,...
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    They probably wouldn't throw me out, but I don't know how the rules are right now. Back in university I tried studying in a cafe a few times, but I can't concentrate there. It was too noisy and I was checking out girls all the time ;). Plus the Wi-Fi in public places is often very slow and without any filter.

    Yes, I don't have a car and it takes me 30 minutes to get there. I live on the outskirts of the city, the district is more like a small village. The internet filter in the library is also way less safe than my own.

    Not that I know of. I wouldn't get into the university anyway. They don't even really let their own students in at the moment. The whole semester is practically done online (shitty time to study...).

    Not at all. I'm always thankful about any helpful comments!

    This is the main character from a comic called "Lucky Luke". I loved it as a child and it fits my username.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  12. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @-Luke- sorry to hear about your relapse.
    I know how it feels.
    I know how overwhelming the urge can be and how it can affect your work.
    Have you considered working outside like in a Cafe or something?
    This way you can finish your work and still avoid urges.
    Good luck

    P. S. I loved the Lucky Luke comic as a child too.
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    4 days clean and had a good weekend. But today I gave in again. I don't know why really, the day was good so far and there weren't any emotional triggers. Wasn't stressed or anything like that. Just didn't have the strength when the thought hit me. I watch almost no "real" porn anymore, everytime it's reddit or instagram or some shit like that. Is that better? I don't think so. The motivation behind it is the same: novelty, escape from reality,...

    Hope everybody else is doing fine!
    NewStart19 likes this.
  14. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Do you need Youtube/Insta/Reddit for your work or your private well-being? If not, is there a way to block it in a fail-proof way? If so, the next time you seach for PMO material, you will be granted a chance to think because your usual sources of this are not available (yet) and you can act in a non-habitual way. When I started quitting PMO for good and being 20-something days clean, I found out by accident that reddit has porn subs. Blocking reddit as a whole after peeking p-subs for two consecutive days was one of the final steps I did that paved the way to continuing abstinence.

    Might be worth a shot that helps you snap out of the autopilot-cockpit of your addiction a bit easier.
    Living and -Luke- like this.
  15. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @-Luke- that's normal in the first few days after relapse. It happens a few times before you're back on track. You'll reset once or twice then you'll start counting the days.

    And I agree with @Pete McVries
    -Luke- likes this.
  16. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I don't need that shit at all and all social media is blocked on my private devices. But I can't block anything on my work device. Well, it will be over by December 30th anyway, as this is my last day at work. Until then I have to find other solutions.

    I applaud everyone who gave up this stuff years ago. I remember the early days of reddit or twitter, when everything was still quite innocent. Nowadays these two sites are more or less porn sites.
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    It's probably not as bad as twitter, but I've seen hardcore stuff there. Years ago there were two or three subreddits related to my fetish, now it's more like 20-30. From what I've read, you can find basically everything on reddit. I don't know if they have any guidelines at all.

    Of course it also depends on how you define porn. I realized years ago that I only lie to myself when I distinguish between hardcore porn, softcore porn and just arousing pictures. I have only justified my behavior with it. I have never necessarily needed porn, pictures of women in bikinis have always been enough, but it was not just a few pictures, but thousands of pictures in the course of 3-4 hours. When I search the Internet for pictures, videos, etc. in order to arouse myself, that's porn, whether people are having sex on the screen or not.
    Pete McVries, axebattler and Living like this.
  18. axebattler

    axebattler Member Staff Member

    You could add Instagram to that list as well. I tried joining it once but deleted my account after about an hour.

    -Luke- likes this.
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Today had the potential to replace stress and negative emotions with PMO. But I didn't do it. When I looked at my phone for the first time in the morning, I had a message that the father of a good friend had died. He was only a few months older than my own father. That made me quite sad. He and his wife were always very kind to me, I had spent a lot of time there when we were younger.

    At work, a colleague of mine noticed that he and I made a pretty serious mistake at the beginning of the year. A careless mistake, but quite unpleasant (costs a few thousand euros, which are no more than peanuts for the company, but still). Well, I guess it's part of life and we reacted correctly to it. To block this out for a while before dealing with it I briefly had the idea to surf on Instagram or reddit again, but unlike yesterday I didn't do it.

    Stay strong everybody and thanks for all your good thoughts yesterday and today!
  20. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I wonder where you've gone, Luke. Just know that you won't be judged, if you decide to return. We've all been to more or less dark places, no need to be ashamed in front of the bunch.

    I hope, you are doing fine, brother.

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