A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    If money should become an issue, you could always earn a bit on the side as a freelancer on platforms like upwork. In any case, I think this decision of yours was a good one. You will definitely get some answers and will become a little wiser in the process. Moreover, I get the impression that this was a decision made by your heart and courage even though your brain made you aware of all the consequences and possible "dangers". I'm rooting for you and I am sure you will succeed in some way. Even if the app shouldn't bring in a lot of money, you will gain a lot of experience and tools for future endeavours!
    -Luke- likes this.
  2. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    What kind of app are you developing, if I may know?

    Your goals all seem to speak for you, but i'm going to play a little bit of a devils advocate here, starting out with saying: the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Meaning; what's the point of being able to do a handstand or juggle with 5 balls? No offence, I wish I could do a handstand or juggle with 3 balls. I'm just saying, you're doing this to replace your disability. Are you going to be the 50 year old guy who can juggle God knows how many balls but feels shit inside? Again, I barely know you, so no offence. From what I pick up you are very sporty and able physically, but none of that will bring you eternal life.
    I'm in the psychiatry since a couple of weeks, but i'm happier each day. Not from medication, neither from being physical ly fit, but from knowing God and his peace. I have no thoughts about porn, nor any desires to check out girls. There are some here, who deal with body issues and its sad to hear these young girls batter about what food to eat and what not. They're good girls, but society gives them a fucked idea of what is healthy.
    Anyhow, I hope you find God, Luke. All that self-improvement gets a man nowhere good.
  3. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Keep it up.

    An app? That's cool.

    It's smart focusing on things other than PMO. From experience I can say it really helps.

    I like meditation too. Always gives me a push forward.

    Insecure phase? I call it a leap of faith. That's so brave.
  4. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    I just noticed there is a quote from The Wire in your signature. That’s great, I really love this series. And as porn addict, you chose a good character for your quote. I think about this guy every once in a while, too. And at some point, I can relate to Bubbles as well. It’s pretty hard to learn to accept and let go. That’s what he goes through in the final season.

    I hope you are well, Luke, take care.
    -Luke- likes this.
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your responses, guys!

    @Pete McVries
    Thanks for the tip! I did not know this page yet. The money shouldn't be a problem too fast, because I saved a bit. I think I could do without income at leat half a year.

    @Joost: Fair points. But I'm not really doing these things to replace something. I used to, but it didn't help. But here's the thing: If I become a 50 year old man who feels like shit and can juggle well, what would I be without the juggling? A 50 year old man who feels like shit. Period. I'm glad you're feeling good lately.

    @Shady: Thanks. That's a good way to put it.

    @Bilbo Baggins: I am watching the series for the second time. Started yesterday with season 4 (my favorite season). Bubbles is for me one of the most inspiring characters in the show.
    Pete McVries and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  6. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    The last week was quite depressing overall. I wrote last week that I want to focus more on recovery again, but I basically did the exact opposite. Every time things go badly, I avoid the forum. I want to post something here every day for the rest of the year, even if nothing happens and I don't really have anything good to contribute. This helped in the past at least.
  7. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    You're doing it all wrong.
    You should come here when things go badly.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yesterday evening and today (until now) were pretty smooth. Had minor urges twice. Nothing I couldn't deal with.

    I have decided to change something from Monday on. I still work from home full-time, now for more than half a year. I can't really understand this, as my company has had a very long time to come up with some kind of a plan, but anyway, I can't complain about it. After all, starting next year I will only work from home. But since I've been in the home office, my lifestyle has also become pretty sloppy. I wear sweatpants most of the day. At first I only did this so that I could get up every now and then and do some stretching exercises, for example. But such things have also had other (bad) effects on my life. Starting Monday I will dress in the morning as I would do when I had to go to the office. Fortunately I never had to wear a suit (I hate suits). But I will at least wear a pair of jeans and a sweater or normal T-Shirt.

    Today I worked on an app for more than three hours and watched some NBA Finals. Now I'm going to buy some groceries and spend some time outside. At this point I feel like it's safer when I spend some time outside in the evening. I have set my router to turn off the Wi-Fi at 8 pm. Before that I have to be careful
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I suggest a tuxedo and a cane for the full effects you are looking for ! :)
  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I also thought about a bow-tie and a monocle.
  11. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member


    I hope you do continue to post more regularly. I think both yourself and other members would benefit from having a veteran like you as a presence on the forum.

    Wishing you all the best with your entrepreneurial efforts. For what it's worth, I noticed that keeping a "regular" lifestyle even when I was unemployed or had more time to spend at home helped boost my overall well-being (and the opposite; not doing these things made me consistently feel worse). Things like waking up and going to bed at relatively fixed times, shaving regularly, showering regularly, getting dressed, washing my bedding, etc.

    P.S. It's been years since I've watched it, but I too thoroughly enjoyed The Wire. I'd probably put it in my top five favorite shows.

    Take care
    Bilbo Swaggins and -Luke- like this.
  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Today was quite good and I managed to do some stuff I wanted to do... until about an hour ago. Then I PMOd. At least I kept it relatively short.

    Had some flashbacks and urges while I was sitting at my laptop researching something on the internet. I was able to ignore the urges for a while, but then it got too strong. And I am still too weak in the current situation. I know that it gets easier after a while, but I am not there yet. In retrospect I should have just gone outside, the weather was actually quite good.

    But I keep my resolution to write here every day until the end of the year. It takes some effort effort for me to come here after a relapse. But that is why I do it.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  13. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Hey Luke,

    you cannot believe how sad am I to read about your relapse. Especially because you say that today was rather a good and productive day. How many days were you in?

    I haven't read all your posts except the first one yet, however, I know exactly how you feel. I'm dealing with social anxiety either, with the only difference that mine is probably severe. Nonetheless, I am convinced that this is the issue. Intimacy is a social thing. What we do when PMO is not social at all. We just unlearned how to deal with sexual pressure. I remember when I was young and sexually aroused I would talk to friends or just go chill or do some sports with them. I would be still aroused, however directing it into another direction. It's about to connect to people, doesn't need to be female. At least I have tremendous issues with that and trusting people. Is it the same for you?
    -Luke- likes this.
  14. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Definitely an excellent series. I really liked Fargo and True Detective as well, I strongly recommend these two.
    Pete McVries, NewStart19 and -Luke- like this.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    @birdsky: Thanks for your post! My "streak" was only 48 hours, so don't feel too bad for me. Most of the time when I PMO it's not even sexual pressure or sexual energy, it's just the search for novelty. But yes, I also have problems connecting with people and trusting people.

    @Bilbo Baggins: I haven't watched Fargo yet, but it's on my list. As for True Detective I watched the first season and it was great. Did you watch all three seasons so far?

    Today I didn't feel too bad. Slept pretty well. During the day I got upset about something, but I dealt with it in a good way. Since today was Monday, I put my plan into action to dress again in the morning as if I was going to the office. It is only a psychological thing, but I have already noticed a difference. A small step for me, a giant leap for mank... well, not really.
    Bilbo Swaggins and NewStart19 like this.
  16. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Well-Known Member

    @Bilbo Baggins

    I've seen both of those shows up to their most recent seasons. I'd put True Detective in my Top 5 as well. Fargo I liked overall, but personally wasn't Top 5 level, but--as with anything--subjectivity has a significant role to play here.


    Good luck with consistently implementing your new lifestyle change. Take care
    -Luke- and Bilbo Swaggins like this.
  17. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Yes I did. The first one is the best, but the second and the third are pretty good too.
    -Luke- likes this.
  18. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Had another slip today. First I had some urges and then I got upset about something at work. Instead of dealing with that in a healthy way I looked up some pictures. Could even take something positive from it, because made my phone safer afterwards. I wrote a few weeks ago that I rooted my phone and deinstalled the browser and app store. But I could still download browsers for Android on my laptop and install it on my phone. I have closed that gap now. I know that I cannot rely on blockers etc. in the medium or long term and I need to find other ways to stay clean. But in the current situation, I need every tool I can get to get the ball rolling.

    At the moment, the first day after a relapse is not difficult, but the second one is.
  19. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Have you tried to just avoid your computer / smartphone overall? I can see the difference for myself. Leaving it off is calming my mind. Often I used to watch stuff, when I was idle on the computer, so usually I don't do anything productive anyway, so just turning the pc off or putting the phone aside wouldn't hurt. Since when we would use these technologies for useful stuff, we wouldn't even be thinking about going to disgusting sites, right? We wouldn't have time to think about that stuff.

    Keep going men. Try to change your daily "routines" for the next couple of days to get into the streak again. Like not turning on the pc/ using the smartphone and instead relax. Let your mind on idle without thinking about too much stuff. Maybe go and take a bath, read something, drink tea...

    You can do it!
  20. peacefulandfree

    peacefulandfree New Member

    It sounds like you turned a negative situation into a positive one!

    I don't think it matters if we fall, as long as we learn from our mistakes.

    As far as filters are concerned, I feel you. It is helpful for me to remember that this is a physiological addiction. It induces changes in the brain. These will eventually die away, and a time will come when we don't need filters. But until then, we need every advantage we can get!

    You can do this!

    Rooting for you!!

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