A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. runningforfreedom

    runningforfreedom New Member

    Work devices can be tricky, my private devices are secure but my work device remains insecure. And in fact, for my personal situation, it is impossible for me to secure my work device without.

    Keep fighting the good fight! I am rooting for you.
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    @Apeman: That's a good business idea. The smartphone for the internet addict. Maybe I should look into it. ;)

    @runningforfreedom: Thanks man! Yes, work devices are tricky. I'd like to install a filter but I can't install anything on my work laptop. And I can bypass the private Wi-Fi because I can use my SIM card on that laptop. Well, sooner or later I have to return that stupid thing. That's gonna be a good day. I root for you, too!

    I decided to use a counter in my signature again. Haven't done that in a while. But in the past it helped in difficult times, when I felt almost hopeless. Maybe because of peer pressure? Not necessarily a good thing, but whatever helps.
  3. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    It helps. The counter stacks up faster than you expect, and when times get tough, the thought of resetting that number will give you pause.
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    True that!

    But at the same time I don't want to focus too much on abstinence. I want to focus more on self-improvement again. I feel like my journal entries in the last months were too limited to "Work is shit, oh, and by the way... I PMOd again". So until the end of the year I have set myself a few goals that I would like to post here, in order to hold myself accountable:
    • Publish my first android app in the google play store
    • Hold a free handstand for at least 15 seconds
    • One Muscle Up on Rings
    • Learn juggling with 5 balls (I can do it with 4, but 5 is a huge step)
    • Meditate every day for at least 15 minutes
  5. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Those are fairly ambitious goals, @-Luke- ! What's the plan to approach them? A wise man once said that a goal without a plan is just a wish.
    Living, runningforfreedom and -Luke- like this.
  6. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Good point.
    • The app: I've been working on that for a few weeks now and I just have to keep doing what I'm already doing. Since I am on a good track here, this goal should not be that difficult to achieve (even though there might still be problems that I am not aware of yet). I set that deadline so that I don't let up and procrastinate on it.
    • Handstand: I work on it for 5 minutes every day. But after some progress I have reached a plateau since a few weeks. I should increase the time I spend every day on it and work more on my posture (straight line). But I think the key here is consistency. I have set myself this goal many times in the past, but always stopped at some point.
    • Muscle Ups: I do Pullups and Dips with additional weight and I already made some progress in the last few weeks. But the strength isn't really the problem. The problem is the transition phase between Pullup and Dip. I will incorporate negative repetitions into my training from now on and continue with the weighted exercises.
    • Juggling: This is the most ambitious goal I think. When I learned it with three balls I made progress really fast. The transition to 4 balls was much more difficult. Now I started a few exercises to work towards 5 balls. But I have already noticed that the step is quite big. I don't doubt I can learn it, the question is how long it will take. I'll work on it for 15-20 minutes every day.
    • Meditation: Similar to the app development. I'm already doing it for weeks now every morning and all I need is consistency and endurance.
    Probably the most important point is to incorporate the mindset that difficulties and self-doubt are part of the process and I should see them as an opportunity to improve.
    Living and Pete McVries like this.
  7. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Solid plans, mans! It seems that most of them can be boiled down to a daily practice, "X minutes every day". Maybe you could have a visible checklist so you could physically cross each practice off your list every day. I fucking love checklists. But that's just me.

    Good luck, my dude.
    -Luke- likes this.
  8. runningforfreedom

    runningforfreedom New Member


    Those are some pretty ambitious goals! I think it is far healthier to focus on them, than on not PMO'ing. I am trying something similar myself by refocusing on my career, reading, and meditation.

    Keep us posted on your goals!
    -Luke- likes this.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    My last post was about five goals I set myself for the rest of the year. Since then I have not written anything more in this diary here. This does not mean that I have not worked on these goals, because I have done so every day. As far as the app is concerned, I have made some progress and am on a good way. I have meditated twice every day, once in the morning after getting up, once in the evening. I also made some progress with the other goals, even though I reached a plateau in handstands.

    As for PMO, well, just look at my counter. The approach of focusing on the rest of my life and not thinking about it did not really work. I think I need to focus more on active recovery again and work on staying clean. It doesn't go away by itself, just because I don't think about it.

    What I feel a little more is some anxiety about the future. It is now three months until I give up my secure job and start a new (insecure) phase of my life. I think some anxiety is normal here as long as it does not prevent me from moving forward. Bill Russell, one of the best basketball players of all time, was so nervous and scared before important games that he always threw up in the locker room before the game. Even after he had already won ten titles. But this fear did not paralyze him. He accepted it and gave his best. I will try to be a little more like Bill Russell.
    Shady, Pete McVries and TrueSelf like this.
  10. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    If money should become an issue, you could always earn a bit on the side as a freelancer on platforms like upwork. In any case, I think this decision of yours was a good one. You will definitely get some answers and will become a little wiser in the process. Moreover, I get the impression that this was a decision made by your heart and courage even though your brain made you aware of all the consequences and possible "dangers". I'm rooting for you and I am sure you will succeed in some way. Even if the app shouldn't bring in a lot of money, you will gain a lot of experience and tools for future endeavours!
    -Luke- likes this.
  11. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    What kind of app are you developing, if I may know?

    Your goals all seem to speak for you, but i'm going to play a little bit of a devils advocate here, starting out with saying: the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Meaning; what's the point of being able to do a handstand or juggle with 5 balls? No offence, I wish I could do a handstand or juggle with 3 balls. I'm just saying, you're doing this to replace your disability. Are you going to be the 50 year old guy who can juggle God knows how many balls but feels shit inside? Again, I barely know you, so no offence. From what I pick up you are very sporty and able physically, but none of that will bring you eternal life.
    I'm in the psychiatry since a couple of weeks, but i'm happier each day. Not from medication, neither from being physical ly fit, but from knowing God and his peace. I have no thoughts about porn, nor any desires to check out girls. There are some here, who deal with body issues and its sad to hear these young girls batter about what food to eat and what not. They're good girls, but society gives them a fucked idea of what is healthy.
    Anyhow, I hope you find God, Luke. All that self-improvement gets a man nowhere good.
  12. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Keep it up.

    An app? That's cool.

    It's smart focusing on things other than PMO. From experience I can say it really helps.

    I like meditation too. Always gives me a push forward.

    Insecure phase? I call it a leap of faith. That's so brave.
  13. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I just noticed there is a quote from The Wire in your signature. That’s great, I really love this series. And as porn addict, you chose a good character for your quote. I think about this guy every once in a while, too. And at some point, I can relate to Bubbles as well. It’s pretty hard to learn to accept and let go. That’s what he goes through in the final season.

    I hope you are well, Luke, take care.
    -Luke- likes this.
  14. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your responses, guys!

    @Pete McVries
    Thanks for the tip! I did not know this page yet. The money shouldn't be a problem too fast, because I saved a bit. I think I could do without income at leat half a year.

    @Joost: Fair points. But I'm not really doing these things to replace something. I used to, but it didn't help. But here's the thing: If I become a 50 year old man who feels like shit and can juggle well, what would I be without the juggling? A 50 year old man who feels like shit. Period. I'm glad you're feeling good lately.

    @Shady: Thanks. That's a good way to put it.

    @Bilbo Baggins: I am watching the series for the second time. Started yesterday with season 4 (my favorite season). Bubbles is for me one of the most inspiring characters in the show.
    Pete McVries and Deleted User like this.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    The last week was quite depressing overall. I wrote last week that I want to focus more on recovery again, but I basically did the exact opposite. Every time things go badly, I avoid the forum. I want to post something here every day for the rest of the year, even if nothing happens and I don't really have anything good to contribute. This helped in the past at least.
  16. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    You're doing it all wrong.
    You should come here when things go badly.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yesterday evening and today (until now) were pretty smooth. Had minor urges twice. Nothing I couldn't deal with.

    I have decided to change something from Monday on. I still work from home full-time, now for more than half a year. I can't really understand this, as my company has had a very long time to come up with some kind of a plan, but anyway, I can't complain about it. After all, starting next year I will only work from home. But since I've been in the home office, my lifestyle has also become pretty sloppy. I wear sweatpants most of the day. At first I only did this so that I could get up every now and then and do some stretching exercises, for example. But such things have also had other (bad) effects on my life. Starting Monday I will dress in the morning as I would do when I had to go to the office. Fortunately I never had to wear a suit (I hate suits). But I will at least wear a pair of jeans and a sweater or normal T-Shirt.

    Today I worked on an app for more than three hours and watched some NBA Finals. Now I'm going to buy some groceries and spend some time outside. At this point I feel like it's safer when I spend some time outside in the evening. I have set my router to turn off the Wi-Fi at 8 pm. Before that I have to be careful
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I suggest a tuxedo and a cane for the full effects you are looking for ! :)
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I also thought about a bow-tie and a monocle.
  20. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Today was quite good and I managed to do some stuff I wanted to do... until about an hour ago. Then I PMOd. At least I kept it relatively short.

    Had some flashbacks and urges while I was sitting at my laptop researching something on the internet. I was able to ignore the urges for a while, but then it got too strong. And I am still too weak in the current situation. I know that it gets easier after a while, but I am not there yet. In retrospect I should have just gone outside, the weather was actually quite good.

    But I keep my resolution to write here every day until the end of the year. It takes some effort effort for me to come here after a relapse. But that is why I do it.
    Pete McVries likes this.

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