A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I do, too. I feel ashamed and that I've let everyone down. I want to show that I can do this on my own, but that's obviously not worked for me. I need to come here at least until I'm ready to take the support wheels off. So I hope you do too, if you think that it will help.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 and @Eternity: Thanks for dropping by guys. I know what you mean @Eternity. When I have a hard time and stay away from the forum there's this false belief that I need some away from porn to come back with a positive message. Doesn't work. Never did.

    Today was good so far. I read a lot and didn't use the internet much. Researched some things. Yesterday evening I structured the day in a few chunks and I stuck with it. I did the same thing years earlier at university, where I had much more control of my own time. It doesn't feel like stress when I work on things I like. I hate it when I'm at work and there's something different to do all the time and I cannot stick to what I planned to do. So I don't plan anything in the first place and browse the internet when I'm bored or frustrated. That's why I'd like to work on my own and leave my corporate job. Realistically I might do that at the end of 2021 at the earliest, but it's something I work towards.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    The last three days I only worked on some private stuff and structured my days and it didn't felt like stress at all. I hope I can keep this up for the next three weeks. Now I feel very satisfied and happy with myself. Will spend the evening with exercising, getting a bit of evening sun and watching the last two episodes of the Jordan doc.

    Right now I haven't looked at porn for almost 72 hours. That doesn't sound like much, but I had that probably only twice in the last two months. Some urges come up now and then, but I take it day by day, urge by urge.
     
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's still 3 whole days without, which may not be much, but when you do many of these it adds up. I really wonder how periodic relapses have affected me - have I truly gone back to nothing?
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  5. Relapses don’t get you back to zero, in a way they’re part of the proces. You’re still moving forward. However when you keep relapsing, you won’t reach your goal either.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I would not think either. I think it's more like stagnation. And that can be hard to dig out of. However, past efforts are always there, in the bank, and when one is ready to bounce out of stagnation they are there to help him.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I very well know the feeling of seeming stuck in slip after slip. You lose confidence and start to believe you can't do it. On these days a streak of 72 hours matter so much more than 72 hours in a 100 day streak. Be proud of that.

    Oh, and since you are a Jordan fan, my all time favorite inspirational quote:
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  8. Shady

    Shady Member

    Don't undermine your achievements. Every second you manage to stay away is considered success IMO.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    If this is happening again: it never worked;) If there is a better reason why you haven't posted in a couple of days, you can ofcourse ignore this post.
     
  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yes, it did happen again and at the same time: No, it didn’t happen again. After my last post I had two more relapses (the first one only a few hours after I wrote that post). And the relapses were the cause for this last abstinence from the forum. But it wasn’t because of shame. I relapsed over and over again and just couldn’t find a place to start, it seemed almost hopeless. So I thought to myself: „How can I think about the next steps if I cannot even come out of the starting block?“ I just needed a little head start. So since nothing worked in the last few weeks and months I promised myself that I wouldn’t use the internet for a week (and since YBR is on the internet it had to be included). The one exception I made was if I needed to research something.

    The good news is: I am now porn-free for 7 days (Well, Iam in two hours). This is the first time since… forever. In the last four or five days I also made my comeback in the real world. For weeks (I completely lost awareness of time) I was stuck in my flat and left it only to go to the grocery store. I worked from home and spent my leisure time at home. The pandemic was a good excuse but it wasn’t the reason. The reason was shame. It was time to get some life going again. So the last days I was outside a lot more, taking a few walks in the morning and the evening, going to a different grocery store and not only the one that’s closest to my flat. It’s funny how fast life changes in the spring when you’re stuck inside. Everything has more color now, the trees, the flowers, the sky.

    Now I feel a little more in control. But I will continue my internet restriction for another week. But I will allow myself 20-30 minutes of YBR a day.

    I hope everyone is doing fine!
     
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Going to visit my parents tonight and I'll probably stay for a few days. Haven't seen them in a while but tomorrow is my mother's birthday. Visiting my parents has always been tricky with regard to PMO. I'm going to take two books and my running shoes with me and I'm going to spend a lot of time in the garden instead of my old room. I'll also check in here daily in order to hold myself accountable.

    Edit:
    I also just got an E-Mail that the pool billiard club will open up again later this week. I think I'll play a bit next week. Good to have more things to do again.
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2020 at 3:09 AM
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  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    How come, if I may ask?
     
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    A combination of unfiltered internet, no structure in the days and Pavlov's dog conditioning I think. This is were my porn career began.
     
    Shady likes this.
  14. Shady

    Shady Member

    Here are some suggestions:
    1- Try telling your parents.
    2- Ask them for support and ask for their help.
    3- Add filters to the internet at your parents' house.
    4- Reorder everything in your old room so as not to be sucked back to that same state of mind you were in when you started this when you were young.

    Good Luck!
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks Shady! I often thought about suggestion 1 and 2 but I never did it and I doubt I'll ever do it. The problem with filters is, they make it a bit harder to act out and they remind you of your real goal. But I tried countless filters and software over the years and I always got around it. I almost made a game out of it. And a few weeks ago I found a way to access porn on my phone regardless of any filters. It's pretty easy to do but I won't go into detail because I don't want to give other guys ideas. So there are two options for me: 1) Quit watching porn without relying on filters or 2) Ditch all my devices (phone and laptop). And 2) is certainly not impossible but it's close.

    Here's what I do today/tomorrow and from now on:
    1) When the weather is good I'll spend as much time outside as possible (my parents have a fairly big garden)
    2) I give my day some structure and set some goals regarding some personal projects
    3) When I use my laptop in my old room I'll leave the door open (Doing that right now)
    4) My parents computer is taboo
    5) Checking in here daily (or more than once daily if necessary)
     
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  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    My problem with filters has always been that the need to 'properly' deal with your issues seems gone. I know that for some of us on here filters are pretty much a necessity, but I still think that learning to deal with porn (if possible) should be the main goal. Particularly because I see a lot of guys on here that have started finding bypasses to filters as a game:) So I'm definitly in favour of 1). I think 2) is a really good thing too. As you might know I have lately tried to built a healthier relationship with my phone and I'm really happy with the results. Perhaps you don't need to completely ditch your devices, but you could find a different way of (ab)using them. For example: when I'm at home working, I never have my phone on my desk, but always on a book shelve in the living room where I can still hear it when it rings, but where it's not in my 'activity zone'. Or at night you could leave your phone in the hallway. I mean: what important things are going to happen at night for which your phone is that essential? If you are worried your house will burn down and the firemen need to be able to call you: leave it on a cupboard in your old bedroom, but not next to your bed.

    I think your own plans are pretty good. For example the 'leaving the door open' thing can make a big difference. Especially if your old room works as a cue for you I would alter a couple of things that break the cue. Or as @Shady put it: start reordening. I don't know if its an option, but perhaps you could work in a different room altogether. Unless it would mean too much disturbance the kitchen table should do:)
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  17. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Just my opinion, but honestly I would not rush to confess everything to parents. I would really think about doing something like that ! There are many cases of addiction when one confesses but still relapses. It doesn't always help. Families are not always equipped to deal with addiction. Let alone something personal like compulsive behaviors based on sexuality. I once confessed to my dad in a moment where I was super low. I still feel weird about it now, a few years later. Confession, in my opinion, should be done when one is stable and calm minded. Then he'll know how much to say to whom.

    Anyways, you got this man, I'm sure you can stay clean at your parent's ! Those rules you wrote should definitely help out.
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2020 at 10:26 AM
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  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Makes sense. To me it's the opposite, although that's where it began, my parents' house is a haven. I've watched the house a few times when they've been away and it makes me feel very safe and comfortable.

    Me too. I'd even say that it made "the hunt" more exciting. Truly deciding that what I want is to quit is the way for me.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  19. Shady

    Shady Member

    @-Luke-
    Here's another thought :
    Always use your devices outside your room. Never use them when you're alone. Just keep them outside. And if they ask, just say you miss them or you want to spend time with them.

    And yeah we're all here if you need to talk.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Maybe a little health monitoring would be useful. Just speaking for myself here, but family visits always affect me a lot emotionally and have been the cause of so many FPMO sessions. Being around my family (I know now) makes me feel small, powerless, frustrated and angry. These are the typical feelings that make me act out and I really need(ed) to learn to protect my boundaries here. Just awareness of your emotional state can really take away the need to act out.
     

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