A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks forlorn. The first impression was positive. She asked some questions about my history with porn and how it effects my life right now. We scheduled another session for next week.

    I realized I didn't share my weekly plan at the beginning of the week (because I didn't have one). I found it quite helpful so far and want to continue with this habit next week. As I didn't have a plan for the whole week here's my plan for the weekend: Tomorrow I'll drive to Berlin for my uncle's birthday. I'll see some relatives there and will have a good time. Will be home again late on Sunday. So no TV and almost no internet, just spending some time with other people and reading on the train ride.

    Yesterday and today I've made some good progress at work. This helps me in seeing the positive side of my current work situation. Even if I don't plan to stay in this job for many more years I can develop some useful skills.
     
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hello gentlemen,

    long time no see. I took a little hiatus from the forum in order to think about my life without many distractions. A month ago or so I came home after work one day and had somewhat of a mental breakdown. I broke down crying because I couldn’t believe where I’m at in my life right now. I realized that my approach (while well-intentioned) didn’t really help me. I realized I was too focused on my porn addiction and I needed a break from the forum ( I talked about it in @Thelongwayhome27's journal.

    So four or five weeks ago, when I last posted here, things have been very different. People began talking about Covid-19 but it wasn’t that much of a topic in Europe. We saw the news from China and had the first infected people, but everything seemed quite smooth. Things changed quickly, though. It’s interesting how everything changed not only day to day but also hour by hour. At first I almost lost faith in humanity: People were stealing disinfecting agents in hospitals (in the rooms of their own relatives) and fought over toilet paper in the supermarket. I mean: fucking toilet paper… Aren’t there bigger problems than how people wipe their backsides? I read that it was different from country to country. Germans stocked up on toilet paper, Americans on guns, French and Italian people on wine and the Dutch on weed. That’s probably partly stereotypical.

    And while we saw terrible pictures in some countries (and we’ll see more of that in the next weeks unfortunately), it’s also an interesting time for me. I have a lot of time to think and to write in my private journal. Many things I do in my leisure time aren’t options anymore. Football/soccer season has been suspended. And even if they start playing again in May there won’t be spectators around. There are also no basketball games. The first few days I opened my NBA app after waking up in order to look at the results, but then I realized there are no results anymore. Billiard club is closed, cinemas are closed, the public library is closed and shopping malls are closed. The city center is dead. I see that as an opportunity to see what’s important to me and what’s less important.

    At work nothing really changed until last week. The company I work in pretty outdated in a lot of ways. Home office wasn’t allowed and management blocked the idea. Then Covid-19 came and everything changed. Many colleagues are already working from home now. I receive a laptop on Thursday if everything works out. Right now there aren’t many people in the office anymore. What I find interesting is that I worry a lot less about what people might think about me and how I look like when there aren’t many people around. And these changes stay in places where nothing really changed, like in the supermarket. And now that I’m not that worried all the time how people might perceive me I have a feeling my sense of self-acceptance is way better now. So that’s a positive development. The question is whether I can continue like this when things are somewhat normal again. There shouldn’t be any reason why it should change again, but life isn’t always rational. I’ll try to improve these things even more in the next weeks.

    I also wonder if this situation right now will change anything to the better in the future and if we as a society can gain something from it. For example: People realize now that nurses for example have a very important and demanding job. But will the people – who are applauding now – remember this when everything is over? Will we remember what’s really important in life? Will we remember to be more respectful? I hope so, but I’m skeptical. What did people learn from the financial crisis in 2008? Not much if you ask me. But we’ll see.
     
  3. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey Luke I'm really glad to hear from you again ! I was starting to think you were placed on quarantine from this website. :D

    I really like the stuff you mention in your post here above and can definitely relate to a lot of it (as usual). I'm glad the corona situation is giving you time to see things in a new light and even brings about personal changes. I think this moment is an opportunity for many to reevaluate themselves. That even goes for the whole world itself. What you say about feeling more self acceptant and calm now that there are less people around at work is similar to how I felt many times. When I was in high school I remember when for some reason everything was sort of ''dead'' or ''calm'' I would start feeling very comfortable and relaxed and even confident (when others seems apathetic). On the other hand when everyone was excited and there was a lot of noise and craziness I felt pretty bad, often. I guess it's a sign of being more of an introvert. Anyways ... maybe you can find something in yourself now that may last even after things go back to normal.

    Regarding the ''hoax'' element you mention in the "PMO fight", I think I can totally get that as well. I would think for many this addiction is a symptom of underlying issues. For some more sever then others (the underlying issues). Removing the addiction is often not enough. Unless the underlying issues are not that severe and then one can fix them with the boost he gets from stopping the addiction. I think this is why I often relapse after weeks without PMO. My underlying issues bring me to the edge and I'll crack at some point.

    So I would say that even though it's great to stop the behavioral addiction that's not the only thing that is needed. If one starts seeing PMO addiction as his only problem, his "one big fight", his golden key to a happy life then he can get in trouble indeed. He will focus everything just on stopping the behavior without investigating underneath. That's why I think seeing a good therapist is important for people like us. If one gets too obsessed just with counting days he can go in a spiral where the relapses are worst and worst and his only measure of progress is how many days clean he is. It's great to be clean many days but it's much better when that comes naturally as the result of life improving for real by addressing the underlying elements. And that underlying element is often I think something related to lack of self acceptance, lack of self esteem, lack of self love. Stuff like that.
     
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  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Nice to see you back here!

    Interesting. I really feel the same, just wrote something similar.

    Sometimes I am proud to be Dutch :D
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I don’t want to hijack @Thelongwayhome27's journal all the time, so I want to clarify a bit what I meant in the discussion.

    I wrote that I feel worse today than in 2012 (before I found YBOP). That statement is true. But this doesn’t mean YBOP, this community here and my efforts regarding this addiction are the cause of my state right now. First of all, I have no idea how I would feel today if I kept watching porn all the time without any awareness. Maybe I’d feel even worse, maybe I’d feel better. It’s impossible to know because that’s a hypothetical scenario. In either case: Life is neither black nor white. I’m very happy I found YBOP and YBR back then and started a journey of self-improvement.

    It’s still my goal to be porn-free and I still think it’s an addiction and more than a bad habit. But I think I’ve gone too far in the other direction. I became obsessed with every little detail of rebooting. I tried a lot of positive habits, but in the back of my mind there was always the thought “I do this because it’ll help with the addiction”. Not because I wanted to live a good life in general, it was always about porn. At the same time I used a relapse or a binge as an excuse to delay other important things in my life. I waited for the day when I’m clean for x number of days. And that day never came. Even when I was porn-free for more than a year, I never forgot about it, I thought about it every day, I waited until things got better and beat myself up when they didn’t get better. I wallowed in self-pity from time to time because “life was so unfair”.

    A few months ago I wrote that I don’t think my porn use became obsessive and addictive in a vacuum. I had my reasons why I watched porn over and over again when I was young. Porn was an outlet and an escape, so I didn’t need to deal with the underlying issues. And that’s were my focus should be. On the things that led me to obsessive porn use. Not on the porn use itself. I did that for more than 7 years now and it didn’t help. It made some things worse.

    It’s kind of ironic that I felt more shame about my porn use and after a relapse after I found YBOP. This doesn’t make any sense in my opinion. I know about the neuroscience of addiction and I understand what happens in my brain when a relapse happens. I know I don’t watch porn because I’m a pervert or a loser or a fucking asshole, but because parts of my brain are fucked up. Shouldn’t that lead to less shame instead of more? By that I don’t mean that addicts are powerless and can’t do anything about it. But it doesn’t make any sense that people feel more shame after they understand why they use their drug.
     
  6. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Funnily, I talked about something similar with my therapist today. In the end of 2018 when I was clinically depressed, I had money problems because I had trouble with my employer and my health insurance. In consequence, there was a short period of time where I had to overcheck my bank account. This was shortly before the end of the month so I was aware that I might not be able to pay rent next month. In order to prevent this, I asked my older sister, if she could lend me a few bucks while noting, that I requested money from my savings account that I usually never touch. So, I virtually had the money, I just feared that I would not have it in time on my normal bank account. My sister declined and lectured me, I could have put things in motion way earlier. Thing is, I was barely able to function in general. Going to the grocery store or waking up before 4pm was already a big task at that time.

    Now, with the Corona crisis, my sister and my parents both offered me to help me financially if I ever was in financial need without me even asking for it. And this really baffles my mind. You see, for "normal" people, things like a financial crash, or a pandemic, or something in that regard, that is a real problem that concerns everyone and nobody is individually responsible for. A mental illness like a depression or something like an addiction, for most people, even for most of us, this is an individual problem. It gets even worse when you know the problem in and out (like you do about porn). You know what naive people are telling depressed people. "Just meditate, do some sports and take strolls in nature, it'll get better in no time and stop being sad all the time, will ya?!" are probably some of the more nicer things you'll get to hear. Sure, they will have positive benefits but it ain't that easy. I know, you know it and I do know it too. When you are stuck in the hole and are clueless how to get out of there, that is a truly horrible feeling. Being exhausted all the time. Real apathy, being robbed of most positive emotions, not having the energy to do anything of significance anymore, I'd honestly choose a broken bone over it anytime.

    But the problem is that in most cases, you are neither responsible for the broken bone or the regenaration of it, nor for your addicted brain or for your depression. OF COURSE, there are things that help and there are things that hinder you. But when you are depressed or addicted, the symptoms or the syndrome itself make you do stuff that keeps you trapped in the loop. It's so hard to break out of there. When you have a (normal) broken leg for example, all you have to do is, to take it easy for a while and everyone can see what is wrong with you. With a depression, or an addiction, they just see the normal you. Yeah, they see that something is wrong with you but for the majority it's completely different. So, because you are obviously normal, it becomes a personal and individual problem of yours that you have to solve. Yeah, I sure as hell know that not getting out of bed before 4pm is not healthy for me and I feel really bad about it and about my useless apathatic piece of shit self in consequence. But what if I don't even feel rested after 12 hours of sleep? How the hell would I be able to get up at 8am when not even the loudest terror alarm clock can wake me from my tiresome dreamless sleep?

    And porn is really not different. Of course we feel bad about relapses and target anger and shame towards ourselves because all of us know it better. No exception. But knowing something doesn't mean, we can act accordingly. It's the same when you give someone a piece of advise. Helping others, analyzing their problems and finding solutions is so much easier than looking at ourselves and put sustainable solutions in to motion. That's what's so frustrating about it. But that's why I think peer support is of utmost importance. And, to draw the arc to the broken bone, what I think is also very important is to get all the help you need. Imagine not going to a doctor if you have a broken arm, that would be madness. But how many of us after years of failing and suffering haven't gone to a doctor (not exclusively metaphorically speaking)? The ones of us who are suffering for so long, not being able to get the addiction under control and to recover properly from any potential malfunctions, we need to call in all the help we can possibly get. Because if we don't, we are not treating ourselves any better than our annoying know-it-all uncle when he jovially tells us to be happy instead of sad all the time. Thanks, Uncle, I'm cured! Moreover, from my own experience I know that depression and porn addiction are best friends. And if there is anything that depression can't stand and want to let near you, it's actually getting things to move and getting out of the comfort zone. But a helping hand, which quite literally grabs you by the hand and takes the first steps with you can work wonders especially when it comes to leaving the comfort zone.

    I'll probably annoy you all with my repetitive sermons when I state that getting the addiction under control is of paramount importance but I'm, of course, talking about a holistic approach. When we manage to get the ball rolling, it can possibly start an upward spiral and the positive habits and experience fuel and feed each other. And then, all of a sudden, being clean is a lot easier. Or being social doing things you enjoy is a lot easier with quite a few clean weeks in the bag.
     
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  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Friday and today were the first two days in home office. So far I feel really good. I worry a lot less when I don't have to go to the office. Last night I woke up at 2:30 AM and couldn't go back to sleep for a long time. Normally I'd have thoughts like "With only 3-4 hours of sleep I'll be very tired and exhausted in a few hours at work. And I'll look tired." Last night I didn't care because I knew I had to work from home. It's also good to wear some casual clothes. Every hour or so I get up and do some little exercises and stretches for 3-5 minutes. In the office that would look funny and some things wouldn't be possible with other clothes. So far it's only 2 days but I noticed I'm more productive when I work at home and I get more things done. Probably not that surprising because there's research about it and I heard other people talk about the same experience. I usually walk to work every morning (25 - 30 minutes) and I try to continue with that habit (even though I don't go to the office). This morning I took a walk for 30 minutes after getting out of bed and showering.

    I wonder if and when I'll feel the first negative consequences. I might miss some colleagues to talk to directly. There's probably an advantage for people like me, who don't have trouble being alone. I was already good at "social distancing" before Covid-19. ;) But I think there'll be a time in near future when I'll miss the direct contact. We'll see. I'd like to have a house with a garden right now. I'm a bit envious when I read Gils posts. The older I get the more I like the idea of growing some food and working in the garden. My parents have a big garden but I won't visit them for a while. My dad's almost 70 now and he had some health problems in the past. If he catches the virus it might hit him hard. I heard there'll be tests for antibodies pretty soon. Maybe I'll buy one to see if I already had the virus. I didn't feel ill the last weeks and months but who knows. Weather is really great these days, 18-23 degree Celsius, sunny all day long. I try to get outside as much as possible, while following the rules (alone, always with some distance).
     
  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I relate a lot to actually feeling much more relaxed, socially, since the ''social distancing'' has been imposed. For me, the way modern society is constructed there is a lot more social interaction needed then what I can actually handle and feel balanced. This doesn't mean I don't wanna see people at times, it's just not as intense as what the modern norm is (e.g. going to work every day and navigating the complex social dynamics and hierarchies of ''office job'').

    And it's annoying how much social extroversion (being loud, obnoxious, exaggerated) is encouraged, at least in the parts of the World I live in, as a way of ''social lubricant". In groups, often it's the idiots who set the tone and other people join in (bad jokes, forced laughs, etc.). And it's one big party of bringing our intelligence low enough so that we can mingle and socialize. I have almost never been able to do this. If I fake it for a bit, I become so damn depressed. And if I fake it and make it (convince people I'm also a retard) I feel empty and bad after as well.

    My only hope is to see this as a "jungle" in which me (an animal!) has to adapt and thrive. I must not criticize it but understand it and learn how to deal with it. So I must not complain about it, but accept it and learn to navigate it. But not easy.

    You, like me, may be a bit more of a natural introvert ?

    This whole thing creates a big interrogation for me : do I need to force myself to socialize more then what I feel like in order to become a stronger me ? Or, on the contrary, is it about understanding this part of me and accepting it and as a result, in time, grow stronger ... ?

    A book I want to read on the topic of introversion in a modern extroverted society is Quiet by Susan Cain. I am hoping it's going to help me and give me insights into how both getting out of my comfort zone - but not more then needed - and accepting myself as I am may work together !
     
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2020
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Every now and then we have to step out of our comfort zone, but only with a good reason (what do I really get out of it). It is your life. You should create the environment in which you feel good. In terms of long-term survival and fitness it makes more sense to look for the habitat in which you thrive. If that is a deciduous woodland, then I would migrate out of the jungle. I never go to work parties anymore. In the beginning I felt bad about it, but I stopped caring along the way. And actually, nobody really judges me for it.
     
  10. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    What's interesting to me (and I mentioned this in your journal last week) is that this relaxed state I'm in when I'm working from home (or working in the office when only 25% of the usual people are around like last week) transfers to other situations after I finished work, like buying groceries or just going for a walk. I'm less in my own head and think a lot less about what other people might think about me. Perhaps for more introverted people like us there's a certain amount of socializing/being around other people we can deal with and if that glass is full we start to feel the tendency to isolate. And when I speak to my colleagues only by phone and work alone there's a lot of space left in that glass when I'm done with work. No idea how I arrived at this glass analogy but that's the way I feel right now.

    I think this definitely applies to me. I was like this even when I was a kid (according to my Mom at least). I liked playing with other children but not all the time. Being alone and playing on my own wasn't a problem for me, I could play with Lego for hours while other kids got bored pretty fast when they had to be alone. When I was in my teens I liked going out with friends but if we went out on Friday for example I had the feeling I needed some time for myself on Saturday. So I never was a complete loner or stay-at-home, but too much socializing didn't fit with me as well.

    I read about that book years ago but completely forgot. Probably because I thought being an introvert was kind of abnormal and I needed to change. If you read that book, let me know if you liked it. I'm reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris right now and it has the potential to be a mindset changer. I'll write more about it when I'm done.


    Another advantage of home office: It gives me more room for exercising. Yesterday and today I exercised during my lunch break at home. I don't have to drive to a gym (gyms are closed anyhow) but I just have to get up and start. Today I got a lot done at work again. I like the combination of being more productive and feeling more relaxed at the same time.
     
  11. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I can relate a lot to what you wrote. There is another phenomenon that I've noticed: With the actual Corona crisis, my own personal problems seem to have lost a lot of weight. Of course, I have to deal with them but from a subjective point of view they affect me a lot less. It's probably because there is an existential threat all of a sudden not only for me as an individual but for the whole mankind so my own "sensitivities" stress me way less.
     
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  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    At first the whole covid-19 situation didn't really have an impact on me in terms of my porn behavior. That changed in the last ~ 10 days. I relapsed a lot to be honest. Twice on Friday after finishing work (almost the whole evening), once yesterday. A couple of times over Easter. Afterwards I feel drained, physically and emotionally. I guess while the situation with home office had benefits in some areas of my life I lost some structure I had in life before. What I need is more structure in my day even though I'm at home. I can accomplish that by going for a walk before and after work (because that's what I do normally, I walk to the office and I walk home after work), implement a few habits like meditation first thing in the morning and journaling in the evening. It's not that I didn't do any of these things in the last weeks, but I had more of an laissez faire approach. I need to find a balance between the laissez faire approach and a complete planning of my whole day (which I tried in the past and it didn't work either). Something halfway between might be to pick 2-3 habits to do every day at a scheduled time.

    Another things is, when I don't have to see anyone I rationalize to myself that some porn is ok because I don't have to deal with the shame around other people. I talked before about how I don't care that much about what other people might think of me anymore, now that I'm working from home. I worry a lot less when I have a bad night of sleep or when I feel exhausted. I worry a lot less about what other people might think about me. That's all positive developments but what's not so positive is when I use these new feelings to rationalize watching porn. I guess the current situation is a transition period that provides some opportunities but also has some risks. In general but also in terms of self improvement.

    I also think a lot about my job situation. That's something that came up more and more during the year and I talked about it in my journal. The short summary is: My job is secure(I don't have to worry about my job in the current situation. A lot of people lost their jobs and/or had major loss of income unfortunately) and it's fairly well paid. At the same time I'm not really interested in the field I work in, don't have much motivation and can't imagine doing that job till retirement (30 years plus). A thing I'm looking into is app development. My current job involves programming/coding, so I have some experience with that. Plus I have some ideas. I would like to start my own business to be independent of an employer. But I also know it will take a long time (probably many years) until I'll make enough money with this - if ever. I have some savings, so if I'd quit my current job I wouldn't have to starve with no/low income. But I doubt it's enough. The question is what can I do to have at least some income while also starting my own business. Keeping my current job wouldn't work because that doesn't give me enough time. I could probably work part-time (like 20 hours a week) for a transition period of a few years. That'd give me enough time I think. We'll see.
     
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Wow, it's really hard right now. In the last four days I PMOd three times. Staying at home has led more and more to a sloppy lifestyle. The only thing that works fine is that I exercise more than before the start of the pandemic. Other than that I move less, I eat a bit more shitty, I browse the internet more and read less books. At first I noticed many positive developments, but right now my lifestyle is really disastrous. It's time to adjust to the new situation now. My day has almost no structure not because of Covid-19, but because I choose it that way. When I was in university my lifestyle was very sloppy as well, in the beginning. That changed after a while, though. Time to go back to the roots and get that old mentality back.
     
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  14. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that. COVID hasn't effected me like that yet, but I can totally understand that it might happen to people. It is a completely different situation and that does take quite a bit of adjusting. But you can do this man! Just get back in touch with what's important to you and move back in the right direction;)
     
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  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I guess one "problem" is that I live alone and therefore I can do whatever I want and nobody will notice it.

    After I wrote the last post I wrote down a few rules/guidelines for the next weeks in order to get back in the right direction:
    • Meditation for at least 10 minutes first thing in the morning.
    • When I'm working I'll set myself a timer for 55 minutes. Than once per hour I get up for five minutes and do a few exercises (mobility/stretching, practicing handstands, moving around,...)
    • In my lunch break I'll again do some light exercises and/or practice juggling
    • After I finish work I won't use my private laptop and smartphone for at least 2 hours and I do something different like exercising, reading, going for a walk, buying groceries,...
    This week I switched from my work laptop to my private laptop almost immediately after work and that's a bad habit I want to break.
     
  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Yes, living together with my girlfriend does make a difference to me. I think the not switching to your private laptop or smartphone is a great idea. Perhaps you could also look at what you use those for and if you really need to use them like that. I'm doing something similar with my smartphone at the moment and that really works for me.
     
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  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It IS really hard and it affects everyone. I can totally understand that being alone and having a lot of time to think makes it really difficult to deal with. A friend of mine is in a similar situation and it is just know that I notice how much he is affected. It just puts so many things on hold and it is impossible to make any plans (while goal-setting is what keeps us moving). Make a lot of room for what you feel and keep sharing it with others. Call friends and family and express your feelings. Strength!!
     
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  18. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. I try to see it as an opportunity.

    Yesterday I relapsed again but overall the weekend was a lot better in terms of building some structure into my day. Saturday and Sunday I did some research for an app idea I have and some research into app development as a whole. I also planned my internet use more and reduced the time I just browsed mindlessly. Today I followed the rules I wrote down in my last post. I wasn't really productive so far, but at least it wasn't a sloppy day like almost every day last week. Last week I bought a yoghurt maker and I tried it for the first time yesterday (and over night). This morning the result was very satisfying. Those are the small things that give me some sense of achievement and I can be grateful fot that. Later I'll get some movement in, have a good dinner and (after my 2 hour internet lockdown) will watch a new episode of the new documentary about the 97/98 Bulls season.
     
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    My life is a bit better the last few weeks, but it's still a hard time for me right now. I relapsed probably 50 times in the last 60 days or so. That's like back in the old days, before I found YBOP and YBR. I've lost track of time during the last two months. Two months almost feel like two years.

    But overall the steps in the right direction are small but steady. I made some plans for the future regarding my work and I research and work on it a little bit every day (more on the weekends). From tomorrow on I'm "on vacation" for three weeks in a row. For obvious reasons I won't be travel, but I'm three weeks away from my work. But I look forward to it. A good opportunity to work on other projects. I'm going to learn more on app development and web design. And I want to read more in general (And I'll probably watch the Jordan documentary 23 times). I also think it'll be a good idea to write on YBR frequently. I don't know why I have the tendency to avoid this forum when I have a hard time, because I'm aware nobody here will judge me.

    Some positive things (stealing this from @Living right now ;)):
    • I exercised a lot more and more consistent during the last weeks/months and I'm getting in good shape again
    • From today on there'll be a weekly market every Friday where I live (three minute walk from my flat), where they sell local food, plants etc.
    • We didn't have a new positive Covid-19 test in our city for ten days now
     
  20. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Good to see you back @-Luke-

    @Doper wrote something interesting on my journal, about a week and a half ago (entry #613, page 31), about getting really good at something by working on it with consistence. A little bit every day. By picking something that most people find boring and hard, yet we work on it (even if we don't absolutely love it - but we're not bad at it) and keep working on it - we get to a point where, all of a sudden, we have more options. Or something like that. But yeah, I hope you enjoy your three weeks off and use the time well for yourself !
     
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