A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Had a hard day yesterday. Second night in a row with little sleep. Was tired and exhausted all day but made the most out of it. Porn cravings weren't really a problem.

    Last night I slept better and had a good day today. I basically did all the things I wanted to do (Meditation, Exercicing, Reading, good day at work, a little bit of house cleaning) and will end the day with a little more reading and listening to a podcast. Internet use was little today. I think I am not only addicted to porn but at the same time a bit to the internet in general. It's another level, but still.


    Ok, I hope you all are allright. Heard it is unbelievably cold in some parts of the United States.
     
    Merton and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Looks like you have plenty of reboot experience to build on. But even then it's not easy to get back, so good work doing so.

    Would you apply the bad sleeping to the reboot? At least for me it can heavily affect energy levels. And I think most of us struggle with procrastination... Sometimes I have moments when I actually get stuff done, but for the most of the time I don't until I really, really have to.
     
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    I never was the best sleeper, but before I found YBOP I never really had massive problems. I had a bad night of sleep now and then, but nothing really disturbing. Real sleep problems began to kick in in 2013 or 2014. And it's not that I sleep bad every night since then. I have periods were I sleep quite good for weeks or even months and periods were I sleep really bad for a couple of weeks.

    I'm sure that is in part a withdrawal symptom. I had two periods in 2017 and one at the end of last year, where I couldn't sleep more than 3 or 4 hours a night for 1-2 weeks. In that time I changed absolutely nothing that could lead to bad sleep. I don't use my computer or TV at night (and when I do I use a blue light blocker). I try to go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time every day. I tried some supplements (glycine, magnesium, melatonin, some herbs,...). I had some things checked: My melatonin is normal, my cortisol is normal thoughout the day. And in those periods nothing works. And I'm sure that most of the time it is not stress related. Most of the time I feel quite relaxed but I just cannot sleep.

    This sucks when it happens but I can live with it. Other people have far worse sleep problems.
     
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    The last few days I just can't get out of bed in the morning. This morning the alarm was ringing at 6 am and I was lying in bed until 7:30. Many people get up and go to work almost immediately but I like to do some stuff in the morning before work (which is hard while I'm just lying in bed...)

    But overall I had a good day today. The motivation comes during the day, but the mornings are hard.
     
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Tough day. Couldn’t get out of bed again and had headaches and low energy the whole day until now. I also struggle a lot with fantasies and porn flashbacks today. On a day like this I always tend to isolate myself and that’s what I did today. Wasn’t going to lunch with my colleagues and went alone to the supermarket to buy something to eat.

    The best thing I can do on a day like this is to keep on with my positive everyday habits. And that’s what I did so far. Wasn’t browsing the internet until now, did meditate for 15 minutes, did some handstand practice. Had a good day at work despite the low energy state I’m in.

    A few minutes ago I signed up for a beginners rowing course that starts in May. I live directly at a river and the rowing club is only two minutes from my workplace. I guess that’s a good idea not only for exercise purposes but also for getting in contact with other people. I really like to exercise but I always do it on my own. In my childhood and youth I played football and table tennis but didn’t do any sport in a club for the last five years. So that’s hopefully an opportunity and I look forward to it.
     
  6. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    I know what you mean about the porn flashbacks. I have a very hard time if I try to get them out of my head. I am more successful if, when they enter my head, I do not banish them but instead counter with a thought like “that is not real. That woman is only doing that because she is being paid.”
     
    Caoimhín likes this.
  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Last night I dreamed of watching porn which ended in a wet dream. Couldn’t get much sleep after that but nonetheless felt better today than the last few days. Every time I dream of relapsing (this is not seldom when I didn’t watch porn in real life for some weeks) I am conscious in that dream that I shouldn’t do it. And every time I wake up I’m relieved that it was only a dream.

    Other than that nothing special to report. My favorite club won a big game yesterday evening and I am very happy today because of that. I don’t have much energy after the wet dream, but I feel relaxed at the same time.
     
  8. Antonius

    Antonius Member

    Good to hear you were able to keep things together even after the low energy days and series of dreams, Luke. The dreams always seem to be what get me. When I wake up from them I feel like I’m in a completely altered state for hours and hours after. Sexual dreams or romantic dreams have always worked that way since I was young. Do you experience anything similar to that?
     
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  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    When I wake up after a porn dream I am usually just glad that it only had been a dream. But sometimes I feel some negative symptoms the day after, especially when it's a wet dream (low energy, brain fog). It then feels a little bit like a relapse, but only for the day after. But I definitely feel more urges after a sexual dream.

    Today wasn't a good day. I still have low energy and today I was browsing the internet way to much. Mostly just NBA sites (because of the trade deadline) but still. Too much internet isn't good for me.

    I also didn't exercise the last three days. Tomorrow morning I just have to get out of bed when the alarm rings and I need to get on with my life.
     
  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That sound like fun. I'm in the same boat (pun semi-intended), where I've always been alone in my exercising. I'm considering joining a cycling club now, though.

    Wet dreams are one of my greatest threats. I hate when they happen but I also know that the day after will be difficult due to potential hunger for more. The only good thing is like you say, that it's only a dream and that we can't blame ourselves for it.
     
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Hey @Eternity ,
    thanks for your reply. I would just try it with the cycling club. It's an opportunity and sounds like fun.

    Yesterday and today I did exercise after three days off. Didn't feel good yesterday and thought I would get ill, but I felt a lot better today (after the first good night of sleep for more than a week).

    I think I'll do a "media fast" next week, starting tomorrow or monday. I did that twice last year and it was really good for me. One week without internet, TV and minimal smartphone use, just doing "real life things". I hope and I guess that I'll feel better after this. So if there are no updates on my journal within the next week, it'll be just for a short period.

    I wish all of you a good time.
     
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  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    I'm back after my little hiatus. I was reading a lot over the last week and was outside more often. Especially the last three days the weather was really nice. Still cold but sunny.

    It's an interesting experience if internet and TV are not an option. Normally if I'm bored I just grab my phone or laptop. Had to find something different now.

    My energy level is still quite low. Couldn't get out of bed in the mornings again for the whole week. But I exercised pretty good and meditated every day (twice yesterday). Porn fantasies were hard to overcome, especially while I was still lying in bed in the morning. I MOd on tuesday but didn't watch porn and didn't use any fanatsies.

    Maybe I'll write some more tomorrow. A lot of thoughts are going through your head if you are not constantly distracting yourself. But now I'm gonna catch up on what you guys did over the last week a little bit.
     
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Last night I had a nasty porn dream which almost ended in a wet dream. Woke up then and wasn’t able to fall back asleep afterwards (around 4 AM). Even though I couldn’t sleep anymore I was lying in bed until 7:15 AM. Just no motivation at all in the mornings. The motivation to do something comes gradually during the day. At work I had a good day and was able to accomplish some things.

    After reading his journal yesterday evening @Merton reminded me of the no arousal method and I read that thread again. I think this is the way to go for me now. I have a lot of trouble with fantasies at the moment and I almost always fantasize if I see an attractive woman on the street. If an attractive woman walks by I always look around and look at her ass, which then leads to fantasies. The thing is I can almost feel a relapse coming right now because of that. So I need to act now and change some stuff.
     
    Merton likes this.
  14. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    This is a great idea. I cannot understand why I thought it would be helpful (or at least not harmful) to ogle women whenever I see them. Great work coming on here and posting when you feel vulnerable. I only wish I did this last night ...
     
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Yesterday I was very close to relapse after coming home. I stumbled upon a big trigger on the internet. I could feel the dopamine rushing into my brain. I then looked up some non-nude images on Instagram for about ten minutes. After ten minutes I was able to stop myself from escalating to the next level. I closed my laptop lid and did something else. But it was really hard to stay away from my computer after that. I could feel the urge the whole evening. I reminded myself of my goals and my vision and went to bed early.

    This morning I got up with the alarm clock at 6 AM for the first time in more than two weeks. I meditated right afterwards for 20 minutes and exercised after that. Feels good the get something done before work. Today I didn’t have strong urges and I stopped myself from staring at and fantasizing about every women I walked by.
     
  16. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    I can't believe it. Only a few hours after my last post (where I talked about avoiding a relapse yesterday) I relapsed now. Everytime I starting to feel better I relapse. Why am I not able to go past the 30-40 days range?

    But whatever. Can't change it now. Time to get on with my life.
     
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Do you think the MO could be a reason?
     
  18. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    I don’t think so. I’ve experimented a little bit with this and didn’t find that MO without porn and without fantasies increases the likelihood to watch porn for me. The problem was the day before, when I opened the door for porn by looking for some stuff on Instagram. The next evening I was kind of on autopilot because of that. I thought a lot about this in the last few years and I think it’s a problem if I distinguish between watching porn and “peeking”.

    But today I had some success with another streak I didn’t break. When I meditated this morning and tracked this in a Habit-Tracker-App on my phone I found that today was the 50th day in a row where I meditated for at least 15 minutes. I don’t think I had a streak like this ever before. I’ll go for 100 now.

    Nothing special to report apart from that. After the relapse I lived my life as if nothing had happened (although I had some brain fog) and exercised the last two days.
     
  19. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I see, for me it's definitely not possible to MO (it could be that the MO is my real problem.) But yeah, peeking out of curiosity has never done me any good either. It's always been something I have to finish if I initiate it. That's why it gets difficult when stuff appears where I don't expect it to. I think the no arousal method is a good way indeed.
     
  20. sveltest

    sveltest Member

    Smh...

    Hands off dick.

    Computer offline.

    Its not that hard boys.

    Dont jerk off.

    Just dont.

    Stop.
     

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