A New Beginning

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by -Luke-, Jan 17, 2019.

  1. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Damn, that's hard core. You're a brave man. Well done focussing on the good things. I'm sure this will do you good.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys. I hope this will help me to deal with the past in a more positive way. I'm almost sure it will. I often started thinking about this in the last few years but I always distracted myself from uneasy thoughts. Distraction is very easy nowadays. That's why I started writing with pen and paper instead of the computer. I'm still not sure where this will lead me but it feels good.
     
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yeah, well, it's been a while since I had to do this (around 75 days) but I have a relapse to report. Had to buy a new phone because the old one wasn't really working anymore (had this for around five years). On my old phone I blocked all browsers and couldn't access websites at all. With the new one I thought I could try a safe browser and I started "testing" it. Wasn't my brightest idea because I found access to some dangerous sites. The relapse was pretty bad. PMOd twice in the course of a few hours. I'm don't even remember the last time I PMOd twice in a day. Must have been years. I'm a little worried now about the next few days. But I can't change it now, so it's best to just go on.

    Good news is: I now have the same restrictions again as I had on my old phone. No access to any browsers and websites at all. Just a few basic apps. At home I'm still safe (using a whitelist on my router, threw away the password and can't reboot it). So the only places to watch porn are at work (highly unlikely and highly dangerous. I could lose my job), the library (highly unlikely, a lot of people here) and when I'm at my parents home (risky). That means there won't be an opportunity to fall into the binge/relapse cycle.

    Tonight I'm gonna do some more writing and I will take the next days however they'll come.

    Edit: I also got rid of that dating app I used. Didn't do anything for me except wasting a lot of time.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2019
  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    As expected today was tough, but I made the best out of it. Did some more writing, meditated and took up the dutch learning again, after 2-3 months of laziness. Had no urges today. Maybe because I know that I can't access porn right now. I also got rid of the sudoku app on my phone. If I want to play it, I'l do it with pen and paper. The less screen time the better for me.
     
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey Luke, sorry to hear about the lil slip up. I wouldn't worry much about the 75 days. Actually I would be proud of it, that's an achievement ! Put that medal in your backpack and go get some more :)

    Despite the fact that what matters is to keep going and the current day, not the streak number, I think you are wise to anticipate that in the next days you may be face with some negative emotions (or maybe not who knows). You seem to know what you are doing though, as you are focusing on the positive aspects of the healthy life you are building.

    I know you like The Underdog's long post and so do I so I will paste you this passage which I think is amazing. Not only because it's constructive and positive, but because I also think it's 100% true !
    Anyhow you know this too so it was just a reminder. Keep it up man ! And also well done on reporting the slip on here. Guess that shows the direction you wanna keep going in.

    Also, I really like what you mentioned, a few entries ago, about writing your life story as honestly as possible for yourself. Sounds like a great healing thing to do. I should try to find some time to do that at some point as well.
    Finally, regarding the slip, it seems this was a key moment. When you decided to test this safe browser. At that moment you more or less consciously brought yourself in a "dangerous" place (well in any case, dangerous for someone who wants to stay off P ;)).
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2019
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  6. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your reply Longwayhome. It's very helpful. I wasn't worried about the amount of time, I just wanted to mention it here. The Underdogs post is extremely helpful now. Thanks for bringing it up again. Especially the "not in terms of "I have to get busy and fill my life with activities so that I don't watch porn". This is something you're doing for yourself" part.

    Regarding the "testing" of the browser. I would like to tell myself that I just wanted to test whether it's safe. But the truth is: I think I wanted to find some porn. My addicted brain anticipated the opportunity and when I downloaded the browser the damage was already done. I wanted to find something. And over the years I became very "advanced" at finding stuff that's not safe for me, even when porn sites are blocked. That's why I need to be very strict (= no browser at all at my phone and whitelist on my router).

    From today on I start a little challenge. I downloaded every episode of Porn Free Radio (yes, 210 so far) and I plan on listening to one episode every day, starting with episode 1.
     
  7. Phoenix121

    Phoenix121 New Member

    Nice! This reminds me of Jordan peterson's self authoring. Check out his youtube videos on this when you get a chance, it's interesting.
     
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I will do that the next time I'm in the library. Youtube is blocked on every private device, it's a too dangerous place for me. There's some really good stuff (documentaries etc.) on Youtube and other video platforms, but I have to accept it's not safe for me at this stage of my life.

    Yesterday evening I finished my writing process. It was quite liberating. Like I said before, it's like being my own therapist. Now the question remains: where to go from here? That's something I want to figure out in the course of the next days.

    Some stuff that has been obvious when I wrote and thought about my past.:
    1. I always had good times when I was part of some kind of team. Some group that worked towards something. In my teens and early twenties I played table tennis in a club and the time with my teammates was always great. We had good times in the gym, had some success and I like to look back on it. Now I'm at the rowing club and I like it, but it's more of a solitary hobby. And I don't do it competitively, I just started too late. But it doesn't necessarily have to be sport, I always was good when I was part of some group.
    2. I was at my worst every time I tried to isolate myself. When I had my first girlfriend in my late teens I just wanted to hang out with her. I neglected my friends and stopped going to soccer games (in the 2004/2005 season - when I was really fanatic - I watched 30 of 34 of my club's games live. Next season: zero. In hindsight that was extremely dumb, ruined our reationship in the end (too much time with each other, few time with other people). But even in the last few years I neglected contact to the few good friends I have. That needs to change again if I want to be happy.
    3. I need to be very strict with internet use (not only porn). I need to be honest with myself here: I have no control over it. I tried it a thousand times and failed a thousand times. The internet and other technologies have helped me tremendously in the past and I will always be thankful for it and happy to use it. But in order to use it I have to set serious boundaries for myself. If that means I'll never be able to use the internet without some kind of filter and time restrictions again, fine. At least I'll be happy. Spending some time outside makes me a hundred times more happy than spending an hour on youtube or facebook, even if my brain tries to tell me otherwise.
    4. I need to stop thinking about what other people could think about me and I need to stop being hyper-aware of my own behavior and my appearance. I was fixated on my appearance from a young age because I had acne for more than 15 years and experienced some rejection and even bullying because of it when I was young. It's time to let go of it now.
    And there's more stuff in the pages I've written. I will dig a little deeper in the next few days.
     
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I think I recovered quite good from that binge relapse last week. The first few days were tough but I feel back to normal (whatever normal is to me) now. Today I felt really positive and confident. I also think less about the past and didn't feel regret about my past since I've written everything down. I hope that's not a temporary change. It's on me now to build a better future.
     
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  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hey man, interesting to hear about your excavations of days past. Sounds like some hard-earned, yet valuable information. Kind of feeling the better as part of a team and at worst when isolated things.

    regarding the internt: my stepdad used to have a note on his computer saying: computers solve problems you wouldn't have had without them in the first place. More than 25 years ago, still kind of true.
     
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  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Nice.

    I bought a new phone last week and when I turn it on it says on the display: "Warning. Smartphones can be timekillers. There is no greater gift today, than the next 24 hours. Use them wisely. People are more important than machines."

    I really like that.
     
  12. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

     
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Had some mood swings during the last few days. Yesterday morning I felt a bit depressed and lonely. That lasted for a few hours. In the afternoon my mood changed completely and I was really positive and almost euphoric all of a sudden for the rest of the day. Today was similar, but I felt more lonely. It was a warm and sunny day (maybe the last day of summer for this year) and I was outside a lot. In some way I'm glad that summer is over soon, attractive women with a lack of clothes and an abundance of naked skin were killing me today. Very triggering.
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  14. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Seems that feeling lonely is in fashion, heh. Good to see that the feeling went away after a while. Keep up the good work!
     
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I always wanted to be one of the hip kids. :cool:
     
    Bezoechow likes this.

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